Sunday, April 05, 2009

Day 5: Jeepers Creepers 2

This movie is fucking retarded.

I saw the first film back in 2001 when it was first released on VHS (Ah, those were the days). I quite enjoyed it. It had the right kind of creepiness, the right kind of mystery, the right kind of suspense. The title was kinda stupid but I dealt with it. But imagine my surprise when I heard there was a sequel cause I don't remember the first doing that great. Granted, now a days horror movies don't need to do "good" just "kinda ok" in order to get a sequel.

But I refuse to call this a sequel cause nothing in this film resembles, or even mentions, except for maybe two things, the first film. And the two things are this:

1. Every 23 years "It" comes out and feeds for 23 days.
2. Some dude who may or may not be the dude from the first film is missing his eyes.

That's it. I hate this movie.

So we start off with a farm family as Little Kid is putting up scarecrows. He notices one of them moves and when he investigates, finds it's quite alive and is taken away. Dad (played by Laura Palmers dad...seriously!) and Dad Jr watch as Little Kid flies away forever.

Now we're following the exploits of Douchebag High and their football team The Douches! All the guys sing this annoying fight song, all the girls are like "Whatever!" and all the geeks are "Why are we here?". Apparently Douchebag High won their big game or something but Scotty, the mildly racist asshole, is pissed cause "he didn't get to play".

Soon, the bus' tire blows out and the bus driver finds some ninja throwing star made out of skin and bone in the tire. This gives us the chance to watch THE GAYEST FOOTBALL TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD to interact with each other.

They sunbath on the roof of the bus shirtless. And, seriously, they all piss together. Come on guys, you know comedians talk about this all the time. "Why is it that women have to go to the bathroom together in a pack? You never see men doing this?" And yes, they're all open with their dicks out, practically shoving them into each other's hands and stuff. I knew there was something to all that butt patting going on.

Then they have the gall to pick on this guy Izzy, who may or may not be gay. Dudes, you're showing each other your dicks, I don't think you have the right to call anyone gay.

After some "Dawson/90210/One Tree Hill" crap with Scotty and Izzy and the black dudes, the bus driver decides to drive anyway. Then suddenly it turns to "Final Destination" when one chick gets psychic visions of "It" attacking the school bus. And Justin Long. She sees Justin Long as well. And sure enough, here it comes, blowing out the other tire.

Soon, it eats both coaches and the bus driver, leaving these asshole and/or retarded football players, the cheerleaders, and whoever the geeks are suppose to be alone. It's safe to say the remainder of the film takes place on this damn bus.

Well, we do get some scenes of Farmer Palmer building something but we don't quite see what.

Back at the bus, some minor WB crap happens when "It" appears, and I swear this was borderline parody cause "It" was winking all stupid, smiling all weird, and practically making an ass out of itself. According to Suddenly Psychic "It's" picking out who to eat.

"It" manages to rip a hole in the roof and grab one student, but someone finds a long pointy stick and stabs it in the heart, letting the student go. It passes out while flying, landing on the bus, shattering all the windows. The Douche Students try to leave but they're so retarded they don't know that all buses have EMERGENCY WINDOWS when the doors won't open.

Soon, "It" wakes up, grabs some guys head (in the movies only cool scene) and digests it. Now it has energy (and a new head) to fight these retards. Scotty is like "fuck this, I'm racist eat the black people" and leaves, but "It" comes flying around and the students just run out into the open field.

One of the nerdy kids got ahold of Farmer Palmer, who is on the hunt for "It", on a CB radio on the bus. Farmer Palmer is coming to the rescue! But first, "It" throws a knife into Scotty's arm, pinning it to a tree. Since everyone's retarded, they can't simply pull the knife out without it taking 20 minutes. When they finally do, "It" snatches Scotty up, to cry out in douchebag pain.

Finally, here comes Farmer Palmer and the thing he was working on was some large ass harpoon gun that he uses to shoot at "It". I shouldn't have to tell you this doesn't work. all. "It" drags the truck down the road, even flipping it over, totally totalling it. (I mention this for a reason.)

Izzy, a black dude, and some chick (like the other characters have names, pfft) find a truck and try to outrun "It", who's gunnin' after them. Izzy pulls the whole "I'm gonna suddenly stop and hope it keeps flying forward, then it realizes we've stopped, gets distracted and, I dunno, just die from stupidity or something" trick. Well, only one part worked: the suddenly stopping part. Everything else...not so much.

The truck completely flips around, so much that it decides to explode, killing Izzy and I guess the chick. Black dude is alive but his leg is broken. "It" lost it's wing and a leg (also important to remember). It manages to pounce on black dude and is about to eat him when...

Farmer Palmer and his truck comes along and shoots "It". WHAT?? The truck was fucking totalled! There's no way the truck was driveable AND the harpoon still worked. Fuck you movie. Fuck. You.

So Farmer Palmer has a show down with "It" continually stabbing it but that don't work. "It" goes "Fuck this" and cocoons itself. Farmer Palmer starts celebrating but Suddenly Psychic says "Uh, it's not dead. The 23 days are up." Farmer Palmer reminds her he killed his own daughter so shut the fuck up and let him celebrate.

So now we see some old truck driving up to a farm and three teenagers (the two dudes are shirtless, I swear the film makers were gay, not that it's a bad thing but why all the shirtlessness?) come out. On the farm it says "BAT OUT OF HELL TO SEE $5". And some old dude is like "Yep. Five bucks. My daddy killed it."

To spell it out, this guy is Farmer Palmer, Jr and it's now "23 years later". "It's" hanging in the farm, full skeleton (including the leg which wasn't there when it died but whatever) and here comes Old Man Farmer Palmer to say yup he killed it. And now he's waiting for it to come back alive to kill it again. And thankfully that's it.

Fuck I hate this movie. I hated every character. Everything they did was stupid. And I kept calling it "It" cause this isn't the Creeper from the first film. Sorry it isn't. They pulled a Troll 2 on us here or something. And you wanna know the fucked up part? This was produced by FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA! Yes THAT Francis Ford Coppola! How do you go from "The Godfather" to this? WHY??

That's it, I'm done. Screw this movie.


1 comment:

Wings said...

Yeah, not a fan of this movie either, and I AM a fan of the first one. It is a great little horror flick, with a couple of great scenes.

And I hear they are making a part 3. Well, I guess we can always hope for the best, right?