Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Day 8: Poltergeist 2/Poltergeist 3

I swear Mormons made "Poltergeist 2". Not only does the main "villian" dress like a Mormon priest, but the ending was filled with so much sugary family love I almost puked up the cavity I got as a result.

The first sign that this movie was gonna go badly was none of the original writers, directors, and even some of the cast returned. And Tobe Hooper and Steven Speilburg's name was left off during the opening credits. And the main fault this movie has is going in depth in explaining the crap that went on in the first.

We start with Taylor, our Indian hero fellow, arriving at the site of the old Freeling house, which as you remember imploded upon itself. Digging inside a hole is Little Zelda Rubinstein, who called Taylor over to check this shit out. They find a cave underground filled with bodies. These bodies were the ones that were "poltergeisting" in the previous film. See, I liked it better when I thought it was just random ghosts fucking shit up. Now they explained who, exactly, the ghosts was.

And the family is now living with Grandma, who's a bit on the weird side. It's revealed later on that she's a quarter psychic (on the mothers side) and now thinks both Carol Ann (Still Heather O'Rourke) and Mom (Still Jobeth Williams) are psychic too. Craig T. Nelson is back, no surprised, but I am that Jobeth Williams is, considering the shit that went down during the filming of the first film.

Who is missing is the teenage daughter. They never explain what happened to her. So they did a "Family Matters", where a character mysteriously vanishes and no one talks about her ever again...

Soon, Grandma dies and communicates to Carol Ann via a toy phone. While shopping at a mall, the creepy ass Reverend Kane appears and sings his creepy ass song. Soon, Kane is stalking Carol Ann (Where's Chris Hanson when you need him?) and it's revealed that he's the leader of the Poltergeists.

Taylor arrives at the Freelings after one night when shit starts happening again and things are flying and lights are appearing and stuff. Taylor is there to protect Carol Ann and help Craig T. Nelson become a "warrior".

But he mainly just sits on his ass while Kane shows up at the door, hypnotizing Craig T. Nelson, then later when Robbie's braces get a life of their own and try to electrocute the family. Taylor says only mystical mumbo jumbo will save their asses, so he blows smoke in Craig T. Nelson's face and says "There, now go fight evil."

But Craig T. Nelson can't handle this crap and decides to drink instead. He drinks tequila, which as you know has a worm inside it. He accidently drinks the worm, which ends up getting possessed and therefore possesses Craig T. Nelson.

This is where the film stops being somewhat OK and moves to "UGH" territory. Craig T. Nelson nearly raps Jobeth Williams, then he vomits up the giant worm, which goes throughout the house, trying to kidnap Carol Ann. They all get in the car, and heeding the advice of Taylor, goes back to the site of their old house and stop this shit once and for all.

So who's this Reverend Kane and these ghosts exactly? Well, back in the 1800's he was some religious nut who thought the world was gonna end tomorrow so he got some followers, buried themselves in an underground cave and, well, died. But Kane thinks he's still alive and wants Carol Ann cause he's a creepy fuck.

The family get into the cave where Carol Ann and Mom suddenly vanish and just like that they're floating around on a green screen. Craig T. Nelson and Son jump in the fire (cue the Metallica song!) and soon the entire family is floating on a green screen. It reminded me of "Neverending Story" for some reason. And yes, the power of love is keeping them safe.

Well not for long.

Carol Ann is kidnapped by a weird monster version of Kane and all hope seems to be lost. But soon, here comes Dead Grandma, floating by holding Carol Ann. Kane returns and you think "Oh yes epic show down! Blow on him, Craig T. Nelson! USE SUPERBREATH!" but no. Taylor throws a spear to Craig T. Nelson, Craig T. Nelson goes "ugh" and stabs Kane, who simply blows up. The family appears back in the cave, all happy and in love and crap. Due to a running joke too lame to mention here, Taylor steals their car, stranding them with the dead bodies and taa-daa it's over.

Onto "Poltergeist 3". The only remaining character and actor from the previous two is Carol Ann, still played by Heather O'Rourke. Here, she's been shipped off to Chicago to live with her ridiculously rich Aunt and Uncle, played by Nancy Allen and Tom Skeritt. They have their own daughter, Donna, played by Lara Flynn Boyle, who much love roles where she plays a Donna.

Anyway, Uncle Tom (umm...sorry) owns some huge giant skyscraper and turned it into a mall, apartments, and art gallery. 95% of the movie takes place in this movie, kinda like in "Gremlins 2". In fact I wouldn't doubt it if Gremlins 2 was parodying this movie.

Carol Ann is going to some school for gifted kids but the head shrink, who's name I swear is Dr. Satan, thinks Carol Ann is full of shit and never went through any ghost related things. In fact, everyone teases her about it, even Dr. Satan.

Aunt Nancy is having some art gallery opening that he's dragging Tom to, so Donna has to stay behind to baby sit Carol Ann. But there's a party going on that a cute boy is having. Carol Ann tells Donna to go and that she and Laura Palmer will be fine.

But of course they're not fine. I won't get into Laura Palmer but Carol Ann is now being stalked by the good ol' Reverend Kane. And oh boy are there a shitload of mirrors in this movies. Carol Ann's room is lined with mirrors. There's mirror all over the skyscraper. There's even freakin mirrors in Carol Ann's class. They should've subtitled this movie "Mirrors".

Anyway, the "poltergeists" in this movie are everybodies evil mirror image. Carol Ann's grabs her, but Carol Ann manages to get away. Zelda Rubinstein (oh yeah, she's in this too, so that makes two from the past two films) hears Carol Ann's "shining" and is on her way to help.

Donna, meanwhile, is running loose in the building with her boyfriend and friends. When they break into the security room, they find Carol Ann running around. They find her, but soon are dragged into hell through a puddle. When Dr. Satan gets a call from Zelda, he thinks it's Carol Ann playing a trick. See, Dr. Satan is an asshole and thinks Carol Ann is making all this up for attention I guess. Soon he finds himself deep into it when the evil mirror images of Donna and her boyfriend kill him.

So now Aunt Nancy and Mr. Tom are to the rescue! But Aunt Nancy decided to be an evil bitch suddenly and wants to get rid of Carol Ann. Tom shows some sympathy and wants to help. Then they go on a crazy supernatual adventure involving freezers, ice, cars, and yes more mirrors.

Eventually, it's up to Aunt Nancy to "break on through to the other side" and...not do anything. Instead Zelda sacrifices herself and offers to show Kane how to get to the light, which is what he wanted in the past 3 films! When this is done, the regular versions of everyone comes back and they all lived happily ever after. AWWW!

This didn't need to be made. If Tobe Hooper and/or Steven Speilberg didn't want anything to do with this movie, then it should've just stayed to the one film. Did we really need an explaination? Just let them be angry ghosts attacking the family. And why all the love crap? Telling ya. Mormons.

I thought it was just ok. It was more like "how much weird and surreal shit can we have happen" then anything like the original Poltergeist. And the sudden change in Nancy Allen's character is a bit jarring. One minute she loves Carol Ann, the next she wants to drown her. Jeez, lady, you were partners with Robocop for cryin' out loud. Have some compassion.

Anyway, screw these sequels and stick to the first.

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