Reasons Not To Have Kids #14: Woodchipper Massacre

Oh Netflix. I blame you for making me watch this.

See, I was putting together what movies I was gonna watch for RN2HK Month and while searching "horror" I found a movie titled "Woodchipper Massacre". I checked the plot and it said this, word for word:

"Three suburban youngsters are stuck at home in the care of their horrid imperious Aunt Tess while their father is out of town on business. Next thing you know, the youngest boy unintentionally kills Tess with a huge knife, and the siblings must find a way to dispose of her corpse. But before the trio can finish the job, their unhinged fugitive cousin shows up and puts a crimp in their plans in this 1988 cult classic"

Perfect, I said outloud to nobody. Three youngsters. One of them, the youngest kills an adult. The other two work together to hide the body. It's called MASSACRE, which means there's probably more Netflix isn't telling me. They probably accidently drink Aunt Tess's blood and go on a murderous rampage. This should be SWEEEEEET!!

Turns out Netflix fucking reviewed the movie for me already cause THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS MOVIE!!! This movie is exactly one hour and 20 minutes and that's all that happens. And just so you know what I'm working with, here are what the kids look like:




This is what the Aunt looks like:


And these are what the opening credits look like:



HEY! HEY!!! Where you goin'? Naw, we're gonna work through this TOGETHER! Sit back down. Here, have a beer. It'll help.

Before what I like to call the "public access" font opening credits, we get the "Star Wars" opening crawl that talks about how 1 in 10 households deal with woodchipper fatalities and it could happen to anyone. It could, in fact, happen to you!!! Mu-hahahaha!!!!

The movie proper starts and we see the oldest Jon working with the titular woodchipper. Dad sneaks up and Jon immedately throws him in the woodchipper. Ok, not really. Dad tells us everything we need to know: he's going away on a business trip for the weekend and Aunt Tess is coming over to watch the kids. I never got a feel for how old Jon was suppose to be. Dad don't trust him alone with the kids, but he mentions college, but again he looks like he's 30. Maybe he just develops slow.

And also as it turns out Jon is our writer/director/producer. Man, what is it with guys who write/produce/direct their own stuff that turns it into crap? Oh, hi Woodchipper. Anyway, while Tom and Denise is walking home from school they lay on the backstory and exposition pretty thick by saying the following things:
1. Their Aunt Tess is a bitch.
2. Nobody likes her.
3. She has a crazy ex-con son.
4. Tom ordered a big ass Rambo knife.

Dad picks up Tess and she starts going on about how skinny the kids are and kids dont' eat nowaways. I'm gonna tell you right now you will at first cheer the character of Aunt Tess but eventually she gets annoying. You think she'll get killed right away but they drag it out for so fucking long. Dad leaves and Aunt Tess makes some kind of omlet lasagna with bacon or something. Then Jon wants to go out and fuck some girl but Aunt Tess would rather he fuck her. Ok, not really. And I just grossed myself out. You finish writing the review on your own.


Oh ok fine. At least let me keep a bucket nearby.

Tess bitches and bitches and bitches and bitches and bitches about everything from kids not respecting old people to the types of movies out nowadays to loud rock and the roll music and food and taking guts out of chickens and argh die already.

Thankfully, at the 30 minute mark, Tom's Rambo knife comes in and instead of hiding it (apparently Tom has the memory of a goldfish) he waves it in front of Aunt Tess, singing West Side Story. Once you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way!!!! Aunt Tess think knives are the devil and fights with Tom to get it back.

Guess what happens. Yup.

So Tess is dead and suddenly it's a murderous version of "Don't Tell Mom, The Babysitter's Dead". That was pretty much the same thing in that movie, right? Annoying old lady. Died suddenly. Christina Applegate acts with her face.





So these fucktards spend 10 minutes figuring out what to do. Yes, they discuss calling the police but they don't want to cause (these are seriously the reasons they give): they don't want to spend the rest of their lives in jail, they don't wanna get kicked out of the Girl Scouts, no boys will talk to Denise if she's got a brother that's a murderer, and Jon don't wanna ruin his perty hair.

Not knowing what else to do, they travel about 8 years into the future and see a movie called "Fargo" and get an idea. After coming back to 1988, they start chopping up Aunt Tess. See, it's funny cause just earlier, Denise was going "ew gross" to chicken guts and now here she is cutting up her aunt. Jon worries the flesh is gonna get jammed in the woodchipper so Tom comes up with the idea to stick the chopped up parts in the freezer. While they do this, they talk like the fucking Brady Bunch. Cause it's funny.



They take the frozen bits of Aunt Tess and throw her in the chipper and wow, there's no bloody mess everywhere. Imagine that. They finish and go on with their day. Now it's Sunday and our second plot point is on it's way to the house. See, plots don't happen in this movie, they get delievered. You know that crazy ex-con son Tess had? Well, his name is Kim and he's driving around. This happens for 20 minutes.

Meantime Dad calls (twice) and the kids lie about the whereabouts of Aunt Tess. They finally settle on the story of her leaving early and not knowing why. Yeah, sure. Why not. Also Jon has to get the yard cleaned up. Uh-oh! I hope nothing wacky happens.

That's another thing. There's way too much set up in this movie. Every other line of dialouge is "What else could go wrong?" or "What could happen?" or "I hope nothing else goes wrong!" This happens during the entire movie. I want to slap Jon really hard.

Ok so Jon leaves and Kim arrives looking for Tess. The kids try the leaving story on him and sure enough it works. But Kim won't leave until he gets some money cause he owes somebody some money for something that we should never know about. I'm gonna say he bought too much illegal porn and now owes somebody. Why not? It fits, cause he tried to grab Denise's tit. Oh and Kim looks like this:


Hey! Don't make me strap you in! We're almost done. Here, have another beer.

Kim finds Tess's ring, which was the focus of a way too long shot. I'm surprised this movie didn't turn all "Student Bodies" on us and start flashing PLOT POINT!!!



Kim decides to sell the ring but wants the kids to cough up more money. Realizing there's only one way out of this, and they're in a movie called "Woodchipper MASSACRE" (You can't consider one killing a massacre) they lure Kim outside and more or less shove him into the woodchipper. This time there's a mess. Why this time I don't know but whatever.

The kids get all "Dexter" on us and start cleaning up the mess, and the yard, before Dad gets home. Not to ruin the ending but they do. The end.

Before I wrap this up, I had to share this. I found this image in the background. I have no idea why the fuck it was there.



I guess there's a picture of Dad groping Mom's tits and he hung it right out in the open for the kids to see. No wonder they turned into woodchipper murderers.

Despite every single thing wrong with this movie, from the acting to the "acting" to Denise's inclination to SHOUT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF HER FUCKING LINES LIKE THIS YEAH JUST LIKE THIS!!!!!!!, to the public access feel, to the fact it's NOT a horror movie but more like a black comedy, I kinda sorta in a strange way like it? I would only watch this again to show friends. Cause I must spread the horror. Speaking of, you are now free to go. Don't tell anyone I tortured you like this, ok?

-Jason