Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Blaxploitation History Month: Black Belt Jones

Hoo boy. I don't even know, man. How the hell am I gonna write about this one? This isn't something I can easily convey in written form. You just need to see this movie. I'll try my best though.

The start of the movie has our hero actually named Black Belt Jones in a parking lot fighting some random Asian dude's. I think it's implied that he's protecting some other dude who did a TV interview but it's never really said. While that's happening, some guy is walking into a winery with a Mike Brady clone and what you'd picture a stereotypical Italian mob guy would look like. Brady Clone and Walking Stereotype kills the dude after showing him a picture of something and some money.

Brady Clone and Stereotype work for The Don and The Don is involved in a project to build some buildings in an area. The area he's focusing on is a building that houses a karate school owned by Papa Bird, played by Scatman Crothers, marking his second apperance. Is he in EVERY movie or something? Man.

Brady Clone and Stereotype decide to hire Pinky, a black gangster type, to shake down Papa and get the building. Pinky and his men go to do so and get their ass handed to them by the karate students. You're probably wondering how Black Belt Jones fits into this. Obviously he...knows them. Maybe even went to school there and learned all his moves. I guess.

Black Belt Jones and the second in command of the school is pissed at Papa for having ties to the mob and instead of talking to them about it, Papa sneaks out and plays blackjack. Pinky and his men find where Papa snuck off to and I swear they talk to Marla Gibbs in a uncredited role.

Pinky finds Papa and just by simply picking him up, he kills Papa, but not before Papa reveals he left someone named Sydney in charge of the building. So now Pinky has to find this Sydney dude.

Turns out it's not a dude, it's Papa's daughter. She comes into town for the funeral and on the way to her hotel, she asks her ride Quincy, who is a student at the school, to stop at Pinky's. Since she's a woman and women get men into trouble all the time, Quincy does what he's told.

Syndey shows up looking for Pinky and his goons try to lay the smackdown but she ain't havin' none of that! She lays the smackdown on them! Awww yeah!!! Pinky returns to find his goons all beaten up and decides it's tie to lay the gauntlet by kidnapping Quincy.

The movie goes into "I dont' believe this" territory when Black Belt is entertaining Syndey and he gets a phone call about Quincy. As Black Belt is getting ready, Syndey wants to come along, but Black Belt says "No you stay here. DO THE DISHES!" Syndey's response is a calm one oddly enough. She just shoots the dishes and tags along anyway.

Pinky wants $250,000 in exchange for Quincy, or the building. Through some vague guys that might be the cops or F.B.I, they find out that Pinky is working for The Don and only wants the building to tear it down. Black Belt is like "Fuck that" and devices the craziest scheme to get Quincy back.

This involves a random group of women Black Belt keeps employed. All they seem to do is jump on trampolines but apparently they also know how to fight. And one of them is named Pickles. Seriously. So there's a weird montage of Black Belt having the girls do things like jump while using a Polaroid, spray whipped cream into an alarm, and how to use a grappling hook.

So the plan is to break into The Don's winery to get the money. They're gonna take a picture of the winery and put the picture in front of a security camera and even though she took the picture while jumping, it came out perfect. They sneak into the winery, fight off some random goons, and get the pictures and the money. I still have no idea what these pictures are of, it's never said. But the plan works until it gets windy and the picture by the camera blows off. The Don, reminding us he's Italian, goes "Mama Mia!" Hey, we didn't ask you what your favorite ABBA song was, ok?

Another step in the plan was to give Pinky the money he stole from The Don to get Quincy back, then Pinky would give the money back to the Don and the Don would see that it's his money his money he's giving back. Unfortuately, Black Belt underestimates the fact that Pinky doesn't look like he can jump from a bar stool, let alone in the air. They all figure out it was Black Belt that stole the money.

Then we get to the filler of the movie. We spend ten minutes watching Black Belt trying to fuck Sydney and their idea of foreplay is to run around a PUBLIC beach and ruin everyone's day by smashing guitars, popping ballons, and destroying tents. They finally fuck, but dammit, there's no nudity. Argh n stuff.

Finally, The Don's gang shows up at Black Belt's house and Black Belt and a half naked Sydney flee. During the car chase, Black Belt throws Sydney's panties out the window, which hits Pinky's car. Pinky gives this wonderful line: "Did he just throw his panties in my face?!" Classic.

The chase ends at some dump truck car wash and Black Belt breaks the bubbles button so now the entire place fills up with bubbles as the final climatic fight ensues. After fighting each guy, Sydney (Who's only wearing a dress shirt sans panties, that must've gotten cold fast) throws each guy into a dump truck and pressing the compact button, obviously squishing them to death. She does to all the goons, including Brady Clone and Walking Stereotype. They finally throw Pinky in there and now they're all dead...

...or not. I guess when you push a button on the dump truck it doesn't squish them. It just puts them in limbo cause you hear Pinky shouting for his lawywer as the dump truck full of what's suppose to be squished bad guys drives off into the sunset.

Hot damn, this is a great movie. This review was the best way to put it. You just need to see it, that's all there is to it. Oh and if the Outside the Cinema guys are somehow reading this, I now know where you get your intro music from.


1 comment:

Nolahn said...

Awesome sauce, indeed! I'm glad you weren't disappointed.