Day 3: Tenebre

I decided to add a giallo to the line up since I haven't seen one before. I got the idea from Cinema Diabolica, which is an awesome podcast and you should give it a listen sometime. I kinda just picked this one randomly, not knowing anything about it before hand.

Story starts with writer Peter Neal in New York on his way to Rome to promote his latest mystery novel "Tenebre". While in the airport, he gets a call on the phone and he rather stupidly leaves his carry on bag alone on the floor while he gets the call. So this is probably the reason why you get asked if the bag was in your possession the entire time anytime you fly anywhere. Thanks "Tenebre"!

Anyway, in Rome some girl is shoplifting a copy of Tenebre and is caught by the middle aged security guard. Shoplifter offers Security Guard sex in exchange to let her go and being a middle aged security guard he takes her up on the offer and lets her go. She gets a ride on a motorcycle (kinda unsafely, she had both of her legs on one side, but what do I know about motorcycles in Rome?) and arrives home. There, she's accosted by some crazy hobo who wants to rape her. She manages to run away in time to the non-safety of her house cause she gets her throat slit and her mouth stuffed with pages of Peter's book.

Peter arrives and meets with his agent John Saxon. Yes, THAT John Saxon. I'm gonna just tell you now that this movie really really slows down at parts, mainly the parts with John Saxon, oddly enough. Since Saxon is just an agent, all he and Peter talk about is business and books and stuff.

The Captain of the Rome Police meets with Peter and tells him about Shoplifter and that he got a threatening letter. So Peter is the key to the whole thing since the murder resembled a murder in his book.

After some meeting with a womens lib reporter and a weirdo TV talk show host, we get to more killings, this time a lesbian couple. One girl in the couple feels like dick tonight and picks up some random dude in a bar/arcade. I guess they have those in Rome? I should ask my Dad, he went to Rome.

Anyway, the other girl in the lesbian couple is pissed and when she gets home she finds that the dude boned her girlfriend already. More pissed off, she has a drink while the maybe Bi-Sexual Girl puts on an album.

I forgot to mention the music. This is a late 70's/early 80's film so the entire soundtrack is generic disco music. The song being played here by Bi-Sexual Girl is the same song as the opening credits, so I guess anytime we hear this song, it means she's playing this album. Of course the killer is here and kills Bi-Girl. Pissed Off Girl finds Bi-Girl and gets killed herself.

Then it slows down again as we're introduced to some characters like Marie, the 17-year-old daughter of the Hotel Manager that runs the hotel Peter is in. There's also Peter's ex-girlfriend and/or wife Jill. Then there's Ann, Peter's assistant, and Johnny, John Saxon's assistant. See, all these characters are here to make us go "Hmm...which one is the killer?" since all the females in this movie make a point to throw in "or her" when asked "So the killer went in and he-". Cause it'd be sexist to think only men kill or something.

Johnny takes Marie out on a date but I guess things don't go so good cause he drops her off in the middle of nowhere. She's pissed off and starts walking when suddenly an angry german shepherd appears.

The dog chases Marie and attacks her. She fights the dog off and appears at a house...a house we seen the killer leave a few minutes ago! GASP! She runs inside the house and finds pictures of dead chicks and cut up letters to use as ransom notes and some kind of schedule, which I guess maps out who he's gonna kill when. And a file we seen the killer use, pulling out a file on Prostitutes, under P. I guess you can call this "organized crime"! *rimshot*

Anyway, Marie tries to take this stuff as proof she's in the killer's house but instead of instantly leaving (yeah there's a dog outside but she could find something quickly to beat the dog off her or something) she lingers around until the killer shows up and, well, kills her.

So now Peter starts his own investigation and remembers how creepy the TV host guy sounded and something he said sounded similar to a note Peter got from the killer, so he and Johnny decide to check it out. Johnny goes in to take a closer look and he finds TV Host (by the way the TV host totally lives in the house Marie was in) reading stuff then suddenly he gets killed himself!

Johnny runs away and finds Peter knocked out by a rock. Johnny didn't get a look at the killer but the entire thing is haunting him. The next day, Peter meets with Saxon and says he's gonna leave Rome cause his life is in danger. Saxon is like "Uh, ok. By the way I'm totally banging Jill, your ex" but Peter was long gone by the time Saxon said this.

So Peter goes to leave Rome. Johnny goes back to TV Host's house and realizes that TV Host was the killer but then someone killed him! GASP! So Johnny goes to tell the police this but he gets strangled. Saxon is out in the street just watching people fight and argue when he gets stabbed. Jill feels nervous and paranoid and calls Ann to come over to discuss things when the killer bursts in and chops off Jill's arm, in the gorest scene I've seen in a long time.

A girl shows up and the killer kills her when it's revealed that the killer is...


Spoiler....

....


Peter! WHA??? I know, it don't make a whole lotta sense, but he killed TV Host guy, who was the original killer and now he's...killing other people randomly. Well, he probably killed Johnny so he don't remember seeing Peter kill TV Host. And he probably killed Jill for humping Saxon. And he killed Saxon for humping Jill. Ok, so it somewhat makes sense.

But the girl Peter killed wasn't Ann like he thought but the female cop working with Police Captain, who both come in and find Peter. Peter slits his own throat, but when Captain and Ann are out in the car and Captain comes back in, he finds Peter's body gone and that Peter used a fake knife with fake blood inside it.

Of course Peter is right behind Captain and he kills him. Ann hears a comotion and goes to investigate. This is kinda hard to describe. There's this tall spikey thing that fell over and when Ann pushed open the door the spikey thing fell the other way, hitting Peter in the stomach, killing him once and for all.

There was stuff in between that I didn't mention, like all the weird dreams/memories the killer is having throughout the movie and how much nudity there was, but all that stuff you kinda have to see for yourself. Yeah I spoiled it but now you can just watch for the scenery of the whole thing.

This was directed by Dario Argento, who kinda reminds me of an Italian Hitchcock, the way he pans around things and has stuff happening far away from where the camera is and stuff. This is just my opinion, so don't leave a comment saying "YOU SUCK! ARGENTO IS NO HITCHCOCK! YOU A COCK!"

Overall, this movie is pretty interesting to watch. I tried not to get too bored during the slow parts, cause in a way it works here in this movie. The pacing is ok, unlike modern day horror films where killings happen one after an other for 50 minutes straight. Nothing wrong with that, per se, but a little pacing and set up and mood doesn't hurt either.

-Jason

The Fight For #1: Week 14

I'm posting this early cause of 30 Days of Horror and I probably won't have time tomorrow.

Coming out this week:
Adventureland & Fast and Furious. I'm gonna hope that maybe not a lot of kids saw Monsters vs Aliens and it enjoys another week in the top spot cause I really really hope America isn't stupid enough to go see FF. At least make Adventureland number two.

As I stated, new month, we all start at zero so it's anybody's game as long as you participate.

Here's a reminder on last weeks top ten:


Good luck!
-Jason

Day 2: Basket Case 2

You all know how much I loved "Basket Case" so much, that I gave it the first ever 5 star review? Well, I just HAD to check out the sequel. And I knew going in it was gonna be a weird movie but boy was I unprepared for HOW weird.

It picks up right at the end of "Basket Case" with Duane and his brother Basket Bro (Belial) falling from the hotel in New York City. Instead of dying, they're both just "badly hurt" while the media has a feeding frenzy. Watching this on the news is Granny Ruth and her granddaughter Susan. They feel sympathetic and want to help out the Weirdo Twins.

Duane and Belail are checked into a hospital when Duane wakes up and starts to bust out with his brother. Duane puts Belail in a garbage can, which considering how he was tossed out in the first film would make him nervous but whatever, and they manage to hobble out without anyone thinking twice. Granny and Susan show up in a pedo-van and take them to Mutant Academy!

Well ok, it's actually a sactuary for other "freaks" like Belail and boy are there ever interesting looking freaks in this place. There's a dude with 90 foot teeth, some dude made up entirely of noses, a lady with a long ass neck, a frog dude, and a living gargoyle. There's more but I don't remember them all. Among this group though is some mysterious looking woman they call Edith, whom Belail immedately falls for.

And Duane starts falling for Susan, since she's the only normal looking person under the age of 80. Soon enough, a sleazy tabloid journalist comes snooping around, wanting a scoop on the twins. Marcie (the journalist) calls up this old guy in this movie's first laughable moment.

This old guy, Barker has a sideshow freak exhibit and he claims to have the dead body of Belail. (They stuck with the names that resemble what the characters do, cause he's like a carnival "barker", ya see.) Marcie gives him a call and promises him 100 smackers (his words) to visit the body of Belail. He gets overly excited at the prospect of a 100 smackeroonies (also his words) that he gets things up and running. Granny pays him a visit and thinks the entire thing is wrong and horrible and to show her dislike, she sics the REAL Belail on Barker, killing him, leaving Marcie to find the body.

Duane desperately wants to leave and go be normal and wants to take Susan with him, but her place is there with Granny and the other "non-normals". Then Marcie shows up and spots Duane, which threatens the others in the house right to live a normal life. Since it's Duane's fault Marcie knows about the place, he promises to stick around and help fight against Marcie and other nosy people. Granny dresses up in a priests robe, for some reason, and gives a General Patton-esque speech before setting their plan in motion.

First Marcie and this photographer guy Arty come by at night in hopes to get pictures of Duane and Belail. He ends up with more than he bargined for when the entire household attacks him. One of them takes his camera and plays with the flash, so the entire killing scene has a strobe effect the entire time.

Marcie freaks out and calls her friend Phil, a private detective for help. He calls Duane and asks to meet him someplace. They go to a bar and Duane is there, but Duane is pissed that Phil is sticking his nose in his business and that he keeps saying things like deformed freaks.

Duane then stands up and asks the bar if maybe he and Phil are the freaks and in another laughable scene, it's revealed that all the bar patrons are the house residents in "disguses". I put that in quotes cause they all wore the same sized masks but some of these guys' faces are too large for the mask so it's like why bother? But I know it was done on purpose so well done movie, well done.

Phil then meets with Belail and he takes his sweet time killing him. Finally, the only person left is Marcie and they meet her at her apartment. They all somehow quietly snuck in and start teasing and attacking her and don't ask me how but they managed to twist her face skin so much she looks like a unicorn.

Now THAT's A Knife!

With everyone out of the way, the house celebrates by eating burgers and corn on the cob. Susan checks in on Duane and he wants to get it on with her. But she reveals she has a secret. Apparently she got it on with one of the Aliens from "Alien" and now has a six-year-old Alien fetus living in her stomach. This freaks Duane out so much that he lightly pushes her, she goes flying half way across the room and flies out of the window, killing her.

Granny tells the "gang" to find Duane, who is freaking out. Meanwhile, Belail and Edith are fucking and you haven't lived until you see two blobbly things fucking.



So Duane goes full on crazy and decides maybe he is a freak and it's time he reconnects with his brother, so to speak. He hits Belail over the head with a bat, grabs him, then with a large ass sewing needle, connects him back to his side. And this is how Granny and the Gang find them when the movie ends.

Yep, that's the end. There's a third one, called The Progeny which I guess means Belail has a kid as a result of the above sex scene? Yes, I shall check that out soon.

So this one doesn't compare to the greatness of the first film, but it's still pretty damn good. Everything about it is so laughable that you can't help have a good time watching it. And the budget was probably a bit more, since Belail got to move around this time without the help of clay animation. This is totally one of those get some friends with some beers and pizza movies. And even though we're clearly watching this cause we seen the first film, they keep showing us footage that explains Belail and Duane. So you can kinda go in blindly and still enjoy it.

-Jason

Day 1: Saw V

And so we begin with the V installment of the Saw series. It's called V cause it feels like the 22nd film on this never-ending franchise. I've taken on Part IV last year, and this film....doesn't pick up where that left off. Well, kinda.

The thing about the Saw films is every film travels around in time. Sometimes we're in present, sometimes we're in the past, hell sometimes we're in the future. You just never know. And every movie focuses on a different person that we never met as they unravel the secret to Jigsaw.

I'm gonna split this in three: the scenes with the "new" victims, the thrilling drama over the identity of Jigsaw, and the ending. And yes, there will be spoilers.

First the victims. First we meet Seth, some asshole guy who killed a chick. Who the chick is is explained later, but for now he's strapped to a table while a blade hangs over him. The jigsaw tape explains how to get out of it but when Seth does it, he still gets chopped in half.

Next we meet five people. The last time this series had a group of people trapped together it was ultra annoying. This time, it's slightly less annoying where only one guy is an asshole. And that asshole is none other than the dude who plays Morris from "24"! Wow, being a 24 fan pays off sometimes.

Anyway, the first trap is our five people (Morris, The Junkie, Hot Bitchy Black Chick, Chick With Big Boobs, and Fire Fighter Chick) strapped by a neck collar to some wire. They have to work together to grab a key that's in front of them. They think they all need individual keys so they all take turns going. But Fire Fighter Chick didn't do it in time and she got decapitated.

They proceed to the next room, where they have to shatter jars to find three keys. Morris acts like a big asshole beating up on all the chicks and shattering the jars. Black Chick one-up's Morris and manages to save her ass, along with Big Boobed Chick and Junkie. Morris doesn't make it when a Nail Bomb goes off.

In the next room, they have to charge up the electric door to get them open, which involves them getting in a bathtub full of water. Big Boobed Chick stabs Black Chick and throws her in the tub while she and Junkie put the electric charges on her body, opening the door.

In the last room, they find a box with saws spinning and they have to cut open their hands to have blood fill up a vial which will release the door. Junkie doesn't make it but Big Boobed Chick....does I think?

So a word on the traps. They seem...I dunno a bit over the top. It's like Jigsaw is some electrial genius or something to have everything open at the right time and the timers start right when the video tapes says "You have 3 minutes". I mean if I did that, the timer would probably start too early or the vial would only need one little drop of blood to open up the door.

In other words, I'd make a terrible Jigsaw.

So onto the drama/thriller part. We focus on two cops, Hoffman and Peter, who look identical. I kept wondering if that was gonna play out somehow. We find Peter finding dead Jigsaw from Part III and he goes off into a room. There, someone knocks him out and put his head in a glass box that slowly fills with water. He manages to pull out a pen and give himself a Trach job so he don't drown.

Next we see Hoffman coming out with a little girl. This was probably all referenced in Part IV but I'll be damned if I remember. Anyway, Peter is still alive and he somehow knows Hoffman is the new Jigsaw! So Peter spends the entire movie going to all the different rooms we seen throughout the series and somehow psychically knowing how it all played out.

Turns out the thing with Seth happened a long ass time ago and it was Hoffman's doing. Jigsaw was slightly pissed at Hoffman for copycating his game so he tells Hoffman "Help me out or I'll blackmail yo ass" so Hoffman becomes the male Amanda, helping out Jigsaw. Jeez, I didnt think it would be that easy for Jigsaw to recuit people. I guess setting up an office in a strip mall that reads "JIGSAW RECUIT! SIGN UP TO PASSIVE AGGRESSIVLY KILL PEOPLE TODAY!" didn't work out so well. The jigsaw puppet looking like Uncle Sam and pointing at you and stuff...

Anyway.

So because the hard core "Saw" fans needed something to salivate over, we see Jigsaw setting up the traps in Part 2 and 3. They don't really add anything to the story, they just wanna mindfuck us to death.

Hoffman is aware that Peter knows who he is so he tries to set him up by stealing his cell phone from evidence that got there somehow and is still active somehow and calling the head of the FBI Bluetooth Douche. Bluetooth Douche, because of this and tracking Peter's phone to New Jigsaw's headquarters, thinks Peter is now Jigsaw and puts out an ABP on him.

So now the ending. Peter follows Hoffman to some place and finds a trap waiting for him. There's a glass box with broken glass inside it but he don't get inside. When Hoffman checks on him, Peter throws him in the box going "NYAH NYAH NYAH!!" until the walls start closing in and Hoffman is now in the only safe spot in the room. Slowly the glass box goes into the ground and Peter gets squished and...the end.

Yeah, these Saw movies are known to end suddenly.

So almost every shot of this movie took place in some abandoned building. Where the hell do these movies take place where there's so many abandoned buildings? Is Jigsaw the Poor Man's (literally) Donald Trump or something?

And I don't care what the Sawfanatics say, there's no way all this was planned from the first movie. Go back and watch that one and see how different it is from the other movies. And if it was planned from the getgo, how come the dudes that made the first one aren't involved with any of the sequels?

Yeah, thought so.

Anyway, I gotta be honest, I didn't think this movie was THAT bad. It's definately better than Parts 2, 3, and 4 combined, which is saying a lot. Of course there's gonna be a part VI coming this Halloween and it's suppose to be the last that ties up any plot holes, which considering, is a lot.

-Jason

New Review: They Saved Hitler's Brain

I finally took it on and...I'm a bit dissapointed.

They Saved Hitler's Brain

Now if they make a sequel and/or remake...I'm there, dude!
-Jason

The Fight For #1: Week 13 Results

Gosh, who could've seen THAT coming, huh?

This week's scores:
Me, Fletch, Maria, Bobbie: 10

For some reason, there was a drop in participation this week. I guess everyone got a case of spring fever or something.

Total Scores For The Month:
Fletch: 39
Me Bobbie: 38
Maria: 37
April, Highway: 29
Rachael M. 28

And this is the last weekend in March, which means Fletch is our winner this month! Congrats Fletch! You win 1 free internet! Use it wisely.

Next week we got Adventureland and Fast & Furious. I want one to win but I know the other probably will. Or maybe Monsters vs Aliens will take it again. Let's hope so.
-Jason

The Fight for #1: Week 13

Unlucky thirteen. Let's see what gets top prize this week.

Will it be:
12 Rounds, starring Wrestler John Cena as Bruce Willis from "Die Hard With A Vengence"?
A Haunting in Connecticut, a PG-13 "horror" movie that's probably so watered down you'll be pissing it for weeks to come?
Or the giant 3-D animation film from Dreamworks Monsters vs Aliens?

Personally, I'm gonna have to go with Monsters vs Aliens, even though when Aliens battled Predator both times, it didn't go over so well. So maybe Frankenstein and Wolf Man and maybe Creature from Black Lagoon will have better luck.

In other news, I can't believe how quickly Watchmen is being forgotten. I haven't seen any ads for it since it opened and it's sliding down the list. Come on Fan Boy's! You saw Dark Knight 18 times, why not this?

Here's last week's top ten:


Good luck!
-Jason

6 Random Things: Movie Edition

The Rules
1) Link to the person who tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Write six random things about yourself.
4) Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5) Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
6) Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

I'm gonna make this about 6 movie related things. Here we go.

1. The first bad movie I watched in my life was a 1930's film called "White Zombie" with Bela Lugosi. I don't really remember the story too much but god was it boring.

2. I am the master champion at "Scene It".

3. I honestly didn't think the first two Star Wars prequels were that bad. But then the third one hit and I wanted to gouge my eyes out with broken glass.

4. More than half of my DVD collection are obscure b/bad movies.

5. If I had to make a top ten list of favorite scenes in movies (which isn't a bad idea for a post), I'd probably put the famous "headless guy giving head" scene from "Re-Animator" at #1.

6. Even though I'm a guy, I don't really get into old fashion kung fu films.

Now I'm suppose to tag people. What the hell lets see who bites and who doesn't?

1. Fletch at Blog Cabins
2. Caitlin at 1416 and Counting
3. Reel Whore at...Reel Whore
4. Dude from He Shot Cyrus
5. Rachel at Rachel's Reel Reviews
6. Stacie at Final Girl

-Jason

New Date My Mom Episode Reviewed

It's been awhile! I had to do another one!

Date My Mom: Episode 4

I gotta get some new episodes on DVD, I'm running low on the one I got.

Enjoy!
-Jason

30 Days of Horror 2: The Unneeded Sequel

Ok guys and gals, the line up is offically announced over on the site. Check it out!

http://www.invasionofthebmovies.com/30dayshorror2.html

And so far only one person said they'd contribute something in the month of April. Don't let it be May 1st and you're standing there like "Aw I should've watched and then wrote a cool funny piece for Jason during 30 Days 2. The only thing left to do is walk around sad for another year."

Don't let this happen to you. Feel free to write about ANY horror movie, even if it's one I plan on doing. Just email me saying "I'll do it!" and we'll hash out the details.
Thanks and it should be another fun filled month.
-Jason

A-WHA??

"See, dude, I told you, this Jason guy it's a total douche! He made this post last night about how no one ever tags him for these meme things that are slowly destroying the internet! I would've showed you earlier but I had other engagements."
"Like what, shaving your balls?"
"Dammit! Anyway...here it is."
"...I dont see anything."
"What the? Where the? How the? NOOO!!!"
"Jeez, you really hate this Jason guy, that you gotta make stuff up? He's a nice sweet guy who'd never write a douchy post ever in his life. You suck! Go away!"
"NOO! DAMN YOU JASON!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!"

That conversaion is what my mortal enemy (whoever he may be) and some guy he knows are probably having right now. Last night I was in a weird mood and I saw some other Meme thing on a movie blog I read a lot and I thought fa-sho read mine a lot but they didn't tag me and I realize I hardly ever get tagged in these things. I wanted to write a humorous article about this but after I hit post and fell asleep, then waking up and re-reading it, I realized it sounded whiny and probably kinda asshole-ish, so I deleted it before anyone read it. If by some chance you did read it, that's what happened.

So with that out of the way, let's talk about grocery stores.
"AH! Not only is he NOT writing about bad movie, he's not even writing about movies! I gotta call my friend!"

Today was my weekly trip to the grocery store and while I was walking around I noticed this giant bin in the middle of an isle full of clear plastic cases. Inside the cases were "previously viewed" DVD's of different movies, ranging from "Jarhead" to "Escape to Alcatraz" to "Win A Date with Tad Hamilton". I was scouring through them when I noticed:


Well, the DVD anyway. There's no offical case for it, so I had no information about who's in it, what it's about, or anything. But just going by the title alone, I knew one thing. It must be mine. Oh yes, it must be mine. And it was only $4.99. Suh-weet!

So I get home with my purchases (yeah yeah food whatever) and I get on imdb and find out it's directed by Mothafucking John Saxon! Hells yes! I didn't look to closely at the plot, I wanna go in kinda blind. But when I do get to watching it (which is gonna be soon, my friends. Soon) I will report on what I find out.

In the meantime, here's a puzzler: how does a grocery store get "previously viewed DVD's?"

"See?? He's talking about grocer-DAMMIT!"
"Jeez, you got a hard-on for this guy. Just give it up."
"YOU WILL GO DOWN JASON SOTO MARK MY WORDS!!"
"How you plan on doing that?"
"By somehow stopping people from leaving comments!"
"How do you do that?"
"However I normally do it."

My enemy

-Jason

The Fight for #1: Week 12 Results

Told ya I really didn't know which would be number one. I guess this nation has a fever. And the only prescription is more Cage.

This Week's Totals:
April: 10
Me, Fletch, Highway, Bobbie, Rachael M., : 9
Maria: 8

This Month's Totals:
April, Fletch, Highway: 29
Me, Bobbie, Rachael M.-28
Maria: 27

Next week we get "A Haunting in Connecticut" and "Monsters & Aliens". Gee, which shall be number one? Hmm..
-Jason

The Fight For #1: Week 12

Hello and welcome to Week 12. You are now clean and sober...no wait you probably aren't.

Anyway.

This week we got Duplicity, I Love You, Man, and Kn0w1n5 opening up this weekend. So it's the battle of the Julia Roberts clevage, Paul Rudd, and Nicolas Cage vs The Rock getting to a mountain and some depressed dark superheroes. What's gonna win, what's gonna win?

I honestly don't know. I'll tell you know my pick is gonna be purely a random guess, cause normally I can feel these things out but with three "popular" movies opening, plus two that opened already, it's hard to say. I'm gonna go ahead and eliminate Watchmen cause everyone seen it and only the hardcore nerd boys will keep seeing it in theaters. I've heard a lot of talk about Nic Cage vs Math but normally Paul Rudd comedies do good.

Yep, my guess is gonna be I Love You, Man. What's yours?

Here's last week's top ten:


Good luck!
-Jason

Updates, Upcoming Crap, Theories, and Other Things

I got a bunch of things I wanna post about but instead of making several posts, I'll just contain them onto one. That way, instead of everyone not reading a bunch of posts, everyone can not read one post! Aren't I clever?

(Kidding 'bout that not reading thing by the way. I have to keep myself humble or else I'll get too much of an inflated ego and I'll be an even worse prick.)

Anyway.

First things first. If you've been following me for a while, quit it. I hate being stalked. Seriously, you probably remember last year I did a thing called "30 Days of Horror" where every day in the month of April I watched a horror film. Because of family stuff, I didn't get to all that I wanted to get to. So hopefully this year will go without a hitch cause I'm totally doing it again. Hopefully, if things go according to plan (Spoiler: probably won't), I'll have some help and include other people writing about horror films, good and/or bad. If YOU wanna join in, email and/or comment and we'll work something out. This all starts, natually, April 1st.

Secondly, I recently came up with a movie wathing theory, called "The 100:1 Asshole Ratio". How it works is, for every 100 people that loves a big blockbuster movie that's really, really good, there's gonna be one asshole who's gonna hate on it just to hate on it. And they don't come up with any good reasons for hating it, they just wanna hate on it.

I came up with this after scanning comments on Cracked.com about "The Dark Knight" and how there seems to be a bunch of people that claim it's a bad movie. Of course, they don't ever back up their claim, but just say things like "Dark Knight iz teh gayz balls!! ROFL!!"

I would include people who have blogs but I ran across one guy (I won't say his name or his blog, but don't worry I know he don't read my blog so if you're reading this, it's not you) who pays however much money to see a big movie in theater (Like Dark Knight again, for example) and give it such a low rating. And all he does is say "It sucks! Big waste of time! ZERO STARS!" and then probably proceeds to jerk off to his own mirror image or something. So yeah, I dunno what's up with these people. And it's not just "The Dark Knight", it's any movie that anyone was waiting forever for. This includes "Watchmen", "Indiana Jones 4" (Yeah yeah I'm in the minority for liking it but people don't even say why they hate it, at least the people I've seen say they hated it gave reasons so they slide from this example), and I wanna include "Transformers" but I hate that movie, but I have my reasons. Well, reasons besides Michael Bay is the devil.

So there's that. I'm not sure what next big movie everyone is salivating over, but rest assured, there's gonna be one asshole who's gonna make a post somewhere saying "It sucks" and never ever explain themselves. A to the RGH!

And finally, I've been reading about Liam Neeson's wife dying and I gotta say something honestly. I never heard of her. I looked up her resume on imdb and I only heard of maybe two or three films she was in, all of which I never seen (and probably won't). When it was announced that Natasha Richardson got in a ski accident I went "That sucks. Who?" I don't wanna sound like an asshole. It sucks she died and I wish Liam and his family all the best and they have my sympathy, but I was just confused on who she was, that's all. Does this make me sound like a bad person? I don't mean to, I just didn't know how to react, tis all. When Heath Ledger died I was like "Dang, he's not gonna get the satisfaction of seeing people react to his portrayal of The Joker" and after seeing the movie I thought "Dang, this Joker isn't gonna be in any other Batman movie cause how can you top THAT?"

I better stop before people de-friend me. I'm already struggling for readers as it is.
-Jason

The Fight For #1: Week 11 Results AND New Mass Invasion: Killer Klowns From Outer Space

A Two-Fer-One!

First off, holy crap. Really? Race to Witch Mountain? Really?


This Week's Scores:
Fletch, Highway -10
Maria, Me, Rachael M., Bobbie, April -9

Month's Total:
Fletch, Highway-20
Maria, Me, Rachael M. Bobbie, April-19

Next week, Mr. Fletch's fav Nic Cage has a movie coming out. Joy of joys. Until then, good luck!

And now:

New Mass Invasion!

Killer Klowns From Outer Space

Enjoy!
-Jason

Jason on Jason: Friday the 13th Part 2

Last month, Miss Stacie over at La Chica Final had her readers review the UNCUT version of "Friday the 13th", the original. Which I did. Now, on my own, I decided to go ahead and tackle the rest of the series, but not all in one day. I don't have the time for that anymore (sadly enough) or probably the will power. So consider this a new feature on the blog, at least until we get to the end (the remake, which I saw in theaters already? Who knows.)

Anyway. Part 2 starts off with the survivor of the last film Alice wearing a horrible green jumpsuit/overall thing in bed. She's dreaming of the last 10 minutes of the previous film as we get a reminder on what happened. It made me think of "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2", which must mean there's some rule where a sequel to a slasher flick has to spend time explaining what happened in the previous film.

Alice eventually wakes up and takes a shower. After an annoying phone call from Mom and a cat literally jumps through the window (I WILL HAZ CHEEZEBURGER, DAMMIT), Jason appears and kills Alice.

I never got that. He left the woods, somehow tracked her down, quietly snuck into her apartment, and killed a chick he didn't get to kill...five years ago? And after five years, Alice isn't over it? I mean, yeah it was a horrifying experience but I'd think after three, she'd be like "OK, I'm over it, let's go mountain climbing!"

Anyway.

So now we got a new group of victims and there's a whole mess of them. They have names like Jeff and Ginny and Paul and Mark and whatnot. I couldn't really keep track who was who, until it got down to Ginny and Paul, since they both said each other's names repeatedly.

So Paul is the new leader of a new camp JUST OFF of Camp Crystal Lake and, of course, he wants to get things ready. I don't get why this particular area is always targeted for a camp. Does this area have the best trees? Not as much mosquitoes? What? I do know, thanks to Paul, there are bears. Oh and a psychopathic killer named Jason!

The first night, Paul does the scary campfire thing and tells the story of Jason. I like to watch this footage and pretend he's talking about me.



That's right, I'm a demented creature. Remember that.

Anyway, the first victim (after Alice I mean) is Crazy Ralph, the guy that warned everyone to stay away. He was watching someone make out when Jason choked him.

Then there's the hippy (I guess?) couple, with the huge pickup truck. I forget the chick's name but she had some big tits, and I was dying to see them, but alas the only boobage we get is from the uptight chick sportin' in A's. The hippies sneak into Camp Crystal Lake but are caught by a cop. A bad cop at that. He spots a guy (Jason) running through the woods so the cop decides to follow him and follow him he does, for ten minutes, until coming upon Jason's Love Shack, but replace Love with Death. Or Murder.

As punishment for wandering around, the hippies have to stay at the camp and have sex while the rest of the characters that we'll never see again go to town to drink in a crowded smokey bar. I probably don't have to tell you the ones that stayed behind all get killed by Jason.

The only death worth noting is Mark the dude in the wheelchair. He's all in a wheelchair, getting hit on by a chick who got killed off camera (along with uptight boobage chick), thinking he's about to get laid by said chick (who took her sweet ass time doing everything), when here comes Jason with a machete to the face. And on top of that, the motion of said machete to the face causes Mark to go backwards and I guess this particular spot he was at was 500 feet up from ground level cause he goes rolling down the longest set of stairs I've ever seen. Poor Mark.

So hippies die, Mark dies, chicks die, this preppy pervert dies, time for Ginny and Paul to come back. They find blood but no bodies. They, for some reason, think Mark is upstairs when it's obvious this place really isn't handicap accessable (Why is he there anyway?) but instead they find Jason, who has a sack over his head, cause he don't get the hockey mask till the 3rd film (Trivia for you folks).

Jason and Paul fight, Jason wins, and he chases Ginny all over camp. There's a scene where Ginny is hiding underneath something and she sees a rat, so she pisses herself, which we see happening. Or I'm assuming it was piss we saw.

Anyway, Ginny escapes and she too finds Jason's Death Shack and the decomposing head of Jason's Mom and for some reason her sweater. Ginny gets the great idea to put the sweater on and pretend to be his Mom, which actually works, until he spots the decompsing head. But Paul bursts into the room, demanding a rematch, which distracts Jason long enough to get a machete in the shoulder.

Instead of getting the fuck outta there, they go back to a room in their camp and hear a noise. After five minutes of set up, it's revealed to be Muffin, a dog that belongs to uptight boobage chick. But sure enough, Jason comes flying in through the window, attacking Ginny, and giving us a good look at his disformed face.

Well...Ginny is ok. The next day, she's being put into an ambulance, asking where's Paul? This is never answered. What did happen to Paul? Did he tell Jason his life in exchange for hers or something? Oh well.

This movie, in my opinion, is better than the first one. Director Steve Miner does a good job with the camera work. It makes me think he wanted this one to be in 3-D but it wasn't for some reason. Or maybe this film inspired the 3-D of the third film, which if all goes according to plan, I should be watching next weekend. I'll let you know.

-Jason

The Fight For #1: Week 11

So this is gonna be tricky. Three "major" releases (instead of limited) are out this week: Race to Witch Mountain, Last House on the Left, and Miss March. Let's break down, shall we?

Race to Witch Mountain-A Live Action Disney film starring The Wrestler Formerly Known As The Rock about alien kids and stuff. I have my doubts.

Last House on the Left-I do want to see this, cause it can't be any worse than the original. And R-Rated horror movies are finally starting to see the top spot (as proved by Friday the 13th.) So this is iffy.

Miss March-A crude looking comedy about a dude in a coma trying to lose his virginity to a Playboy bunny. Comedies that don't feature the following words: Judd Apatow, Seth Rogan, Will Ferrell, Steve Corell, and/or John C. Reilly don't do very well. Especailly since the two main guys are funny looking. This will crack the top five but not be number 1.

So my guess is that Watchmen will take it for another week. This is probably bold on my part cause people seem mixed by it so maybe anyone who wanted to "wait till the hype died down" might be like "Eh fuck it" and go watch a nerdy virgin fuck a Playboy bunny.

Here's last weeks top ten:


Good luck!
-Jason

Movies I Like #5: Hot Rod

Last week while I was making dinner, I needed something to watch while my dinner was cooking. Looking through the cable channels I noticed that "Hot Rod" was starting up. Realizing I never seen this before, I decided to give it a shot and boy am I glad I did.

In case you don't know, "Hot Rod" stars SNL cast member Andy Samburg and features his friends, who all make up "The Lonely Island". They often do those cool songs featured on SNL, like "Dick in a Box" or "I'm On A Boat" (my personal favorite.) The credits say it was written by Pam Brady, the one female writer from "South Park" but I suspect Andy and his friends had a hand in writing as well cause the humor is the same as the "SNL Digital Shorts".

But the plot I believe Pam Brady came up with. She's the same person that wrote "Hamlet 2", another movie with a crazy ass plot. The plot of "Hot Rod" is like this:

Andy is Rod, a local stuntman who wants to earn the respect of his stepfather Frank (Played by Ian McShane, the dude from "Deadwood") and the only way to do that: kick Frank's ass. Rod isn't able to do so, so Frank treats Rod...well not so well. Rod then finds out, after a stunt at a pool didn't go so good, that Frank suddenly has an issue with his heart and they'll need $50,000 for a new one, money they don't have. Realizing that he can't kick the ass of a sick guy, Rod decides to raise the money himself to get Frank a new heart...so he can kick his ass.

From that point on, the movie is just set on Random, with Rod and his friends (Bill Hader, the ammunitions expert guy from "Tropic Thunder", the skinny dude from "The Lonely Island", and the hot chick from "Wedding Crashers". Yeah, I don't know their real names, so sue me.) just going around doing stunts and raising money.

The interesting thing is the entire movie feels like it's a parody of something but I don't know what it would be. There's the "Footloose" inspired fight dancing scene and the part towards the end where hot chick from "Wedding Crashers" breaks up with her jerk of a boyfriend, played by Will Arnett, and all Will does is stand by his car, shouting "BABE! BAAAABEE!! AW BABE!! BABE!!!! BABE!!" for almost five minutes straight.

Looking on Youtube, I found another video compilation of some of the best stuff from the movie. The last bit is literally the ending of the movie so there are spoilers, if you care about that kind of thing.



But the entire movie, in my opinion, is funny and is definately worth checking out.

Cool beans!
-Jason

The Fight for #1: Week 10 Results

Congratulations to everyone who commented and/or sent in emails. You get an automatic ten points. And those people are:
Me
Felicia
Fletch
Bobbie
Maria
Highway
April
Rachael

Next week, the game returns to normal. But will Watchmen dominate again? We'll have to see.

And a quick word on Watchmen.

*gets on soapbox*

I'm tired of reading reviews and reports from uber-Watchmen Graphic Novel nerds who say "The movie sucks cause they left this out, or they change that. Blah blah blah I'm a nerd." Listen Pancho, tell me the last movie you recall where the film was 100% faithful to the book/comic? And please take your time to think about that. You had to have known a good chunk of stuff was gonna be taken out. If they kept everything in, the damn movie would be at least 5 hours long. And probably visually confusing as fuck.

I believe the movie was great. And the comic was great. Zach Snyder did the best he could translating it to film. And considering this movie was in the making for almost 20 years, you should be lucky there's even a film adaptation.

What I wanna hear from are the people who seen the movie but didn't read the book. What did you think? Did anything confuse you? Cause there was the classic trick of mentioning stuff in the film that was totally explained in the book. So I can try to help you out since I read the book a few weeks before the movie came out.

Anyway, that's all.

*Gets down from soap box. Wonders what a soap box is exactly.*
-Jason

The Fight For #1: Week 10

So. Watchmen opens up this weekend. There's no doubt it's gonna be the number one movie. It should be everyone's pick. So here's what I'm gonna do. If you email me and/or comment to this post by Sunday morning, you get an automatic 10 points. That's it. Even if you say "Watchmen sucks! Jonas Brothers all the way!!" you're getting ten points. I'm making this an easy week. Probably won't do this too often, especially during the blockbuster summer months. I'm only doing this now cause this is the only mega-blockbuster opening up this weekend.

But what if I'm wrong? Then I must suffer the consenquences. If I'm wrong and Watchmen is say, number 2 or number 10, then you guys get TWENTY points and I'll give myself zero. Again, you have to send in a response of some sort by Sunday morning.

Ok? Ok.

*Off to see Watchmen*
-Jason

DVD's That I Watched: October 2008-February 2009

Click the tag to see the previous DVD's I've watched.

* Repo! The Genetic Opera
* The Hottie and the Nottie
* Tin Man: Part 3
* Friday the 13th: Uncut
* Freeway
* Tin Man: Part 2
* Groundhog Day
* Tin Man: Part 1
* The Re-Animator
* The Room
* The Stuff
* Oversexed Rugsuckers From Mars
* Gummo
* The Dark Knight
* Baby Mama
* Teeth
* Tropic Thunder
* Casino Royale (1967)
* Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny
* Casino Royale (2006)
* Dolemite
* Basket Case
* Hell on Wheels
* C.H.U.D
* Vanishing Point
* Halloween: Resurrection
* The Road Warrior
* Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Meyers
* Revolver
* Halloween 3
* Oldboy

Razzie Post #3: The Love Guru

And with this review, I am done with the Razzies for another year. "The Love Guru" came in the mail today and my lovely fiancee Felicia said "Oh I've always wanted to see that." There hardly comes a time when we get to watch a bad movie together so I jumped at this opportunity and we watched it together.

"Love Guru" not only stars Mike Meyers, as Guru Pitka, but he also co-wrote and produced as well. A lot of the jokes in the movie you've seen in other Mike Meyer's films.

The basic plot is a hockey player, named Roanoke (played by the black dude from "The 40-Year-Old-Virgin") is having a rough time cause he broke up with his girlfriend Prudence. She's now banging Justin Timberlake, who's playing a French Canadian with a large dick. Honestly, he's got a large dick. Anytime they show him, they make a reference to his large dick.

So Jessica Alba, the owner of the team, and the tiny Coach Vern Troyer, hire Pitka to fix Roanoke's love life. From this point, there's a lot of words that stand for something (kinda like what Gary Busey does) and a lot of crude jokes about dicks, farting, pooping, spiting, and just fucking in general.

And of course Pitka falls for Alba, but he can't do anything about it cause of his chastity belt. Basically what it comes down to is Roanoke needs to get back with his girl AND stand up to his mom, played by the aunt from "Family Matters". And just when he gets the girl AND stands up to his mom, here come French J.T to make things worse by referencing his huge dong, which ruins Roanoke's last shot. Pitka realizes the only thing to save the game is...have two elephants fuck right on the ice.

I...wish I never typed that sentence in.

Anyway, this movie really isn't that bad. It's just kinda dumb and it's full of jokes you've seen before. And there are celebrities galore in this movie. There's:
Jessica Simpson
Val Kilmer
Oprah
Mariska Hargitay (which is a running joke throughout the movie cause instead of saying hello or good bye, Pitka says Mariska Hargitay over and over again)
Kayne West
and finally Mike Meyers.

Yes, he cameos in his own movie. I'm serious.

The funniest part was probably the announcers played by Stephen Colbert and Jim Gaffigan. But that's probably cause they're funny on their own. As I said, this movie really isn't bad. I've seen worse (Norbit for example) but I could probably go the rest of my life without seeing this again.

I did leave out the singing. A lot of popular songs are turn "indian" style for some reason. Like "9 to 5", "More Than Words", and at the end of the movie "The Joker" by Steve Miller Band. I guess this is why the soundtrack needed it's own Myspace page.

-Jason

The Fight For #1: Week 9 Results

I'm trying to carefully word this so people don't get the wrong idea about me. But seeing as how we got a black president, and a movie aimed for black people is out at the same time a movie aimed for young white people, the movie aimed for black people still comes out on top? Do you think The Jonas Brothers are crying little Jonas tears over this?

And because of this upset, the bonus points don't apply. Sorry. Blame Tyler Perry and his hold on an entire race. Anyway, 90% of the players all got the same score this week, which really makes this an upset.

This Week's Scores:
Jason, Maria, Fletch, Rachael M., April: 9
Highway: 3

Highway, you really have no idea how to play this do you? (Just kiddin with ya. Keep playing!)

And we do have a winner for February:
Jason: 29
Maria: 24
Bobbie: 18
Fletch, Rachael M., Highway: 15
Felicia, Todd: 10
Adam: 8
Sean: 7

And it's me. I would've gotten a perfect score if not for this week's upset. So anyway, next week, we all start back at zero. And since Watchmen open next week, I got something special for you guys. See ya then!
-Jason

Razzie Post #2: Repo! The Genetic Opera

Oddly enough, this movie isn't really bad at all. It's just really weird.

Apparently based on a real stage opera, "Repo!" is about a world (in the not-too distant future, Sunday A.D) where getting surgery is the chic thing to do. One company, GeneCo, gives these surgeries but there's a catch: you have to pay for it for the rest of your life. If you miss a payment, then whatever you got surgery for, whether it be a kidney, heart, or even spine, a Repo Man will come and repo your organ.

We focus on Shilo, a 17-year-old girl with a mystery illness. One night while visiting her Mom's tomb, she witnesses a Graverobber, who gets some kind of chemical from dead bodies and sell it, which is apparently addictive. Shilo is cared for by her father Nathan, a doctor. It's revealed that he's GeneCo's Repo Man and he possibly has split personalities.

We then meet the head of GeneCo, Paul Sorvino (yes he sings, a lot, in this film) and he has three kids, one of whom is Paris Hilton, who are, um, different. One son is a royal asshole, one son likes to graft on human faces over his face, and Paris is addicted to Graverobber's drug.

Paul is about to die and he doesn't want to leave the company to any of his kids, so he picks Shilo, whose Mom use to date Paul but left him for Nathan, then Nathan accidently killed Mom. Yeah, it's like a real opera!

So Shilo must decide what to do while leaving the grasp of his father and figure out how to get rid of her illness. A blind chick who got robotic eyes rips them out on stage then dies, Paul dies without leaving a heir, and after finding out her dad is the Repo Man, and he got her addicted to Graverobber's drug, he dies. Shilo leaves to do god only know what, leaving the company to the three asshole kids.

The songs aren't half bad, and the only part I could do without with Paris Hilton's singing. There is a part where one of her surgeries don't go well and her face is deformed. I took a pic of it for you guys.



"The Love Guru" will have to wait until next week, since I don't have it yet. Boy. I. Can't. Wait.

-Jason

Razzie Post #1: The Hottie and the Nottie

You picked it, you got it. Here's my gut-wrenching review of the Paris Hilton Opus, "The Hottie and the Nottie".

After watching this movie, I know now what kind of sense of humor Paris Hilton has, since she did some kind of producing gig on this, which means everything that happened in this movie went by her first and she said "yeah, whatever, just include shots of my body. That's hot."

Oddly enough, it's not AS bad as you think it is. It's not good by any means, but I was expecting Uwe Boll-level of torture.

The movie focuses around Nate, who falls in love with Cristabelle, Paris Hilton's character, immedately in the first grade. But Cristabelle has a friend named June, who is the "nottie" in this equation. They show these characters as children and the kid playing Nate was really weird looking. Like his eyes were on the side of his face or something. And they really put on the ugly makeup on Kiddie June by having her entire nose like bleeding or something. I don't get the point of that, but whatever.

Flashforward to 20 years and Nate is in Maine, for some odd reason, and is going through a breakup with his girlfriend, who grabs his guitar and smashes it over him. She leaves, taking a single dresser drawer (cause that's funny according to Paris Hilton), then not only wrote "LOSER" on his car but proceeds to run him over with her car, which looks like the kind a car a douchebag guy would drive. Instead of getting killed, he survives and realizes he needs to track down Cristabelle. This involves going to L.A, which is I guess where he's from.

So he arrives in L.A in his Loser-mobile and meets up with his old friend Arno, who still lives with his mom. Arno has been keeping a creepy database on the whereabouts of Cristabelle, knowing when she goes for her morning jog and where she eats breakfast.

Nate arrives on a part of the beach where Cristabelle runs by and he meets an albino and a dude in a wedding suit. These are Cristabelle's stalkers. When Cristabelle runs by, you can expect a slow-motion shot of her perfectness bouncing down the sidewalk. Nate runs behind her and tries to sniff her hair, but she notices this and stops and as a result they go crashing into the sand.

Nate reminds Cristabelle who he is and she's like "cool" and they go grab breakfast. Nate asks her out and she says the timing is bad cause she made a promise to herself to stop fucking random people until her roommate June can get a guy. And of course she's still ugly as all hell. And this, my friends, is the plot for the remainder of the movie: A dude wants to bone Paris Hilton but he has to find a desperate loser for June.

And they don't spare any gross routine when it comes to June. Her hair is thin and stringy, she's got moles and acne everywhere, ugly teeth, and hair everywhere. It's like someone asked Paris Hilton to describe her worst nightmare and they took it seriously.

Nate's friend Arno, who keeps calling June "the Nottie" but it sounds like "Naughty", tries to help out by offering weird pieces of advice. Nate comes up with an idea to get a guy to date June. He puts up a flyer advertising for people willing to subject themselves to medical experiments. One guy calls and Nate tells him what he has to do. Oh and he has to be called "Cole Slawson", cause of a thing that happened when Nate and Cristabelle were out on a picnic. It's not really important.

Anyway "Cole" shows up and immedately throws up in his mouth on the sight of June. Nate keeps offering money to keep Cole there, so Cole starts downing a bottle of Jack Daniels. Just as Cole gets the courage to boink June, her infected toenaile flies off her foot somehow and lands in his mouth. Cole then jumps in the ocean and swims away.

Back and Cristabelle and June's place, they all drink and talk about how ugly June is. And that's all everyone does throughout the whole movie is just talk about how ugly she is. It's like they think we don't get it or something. Dude, it's called "The Hottie and the Nottie", I think we get it.

Nate then gives June a spa makeover package deal, which costs $2000. Jeez, where is he getting all this money from? Was his parents rich or something? Anyway, they see how depressed June is getting, and Nate really wants to munch on Paris' vajayjay, so he amps it up a notch in the weirdest scene I've ever seen.

Somehow Nate found Cole and has him tied up in a chair. Nate and Arno are putting weird wires on his body, then they hold up a picture of a model, I think it was Christine Brinkley but I wasn't sure and when Cole started drooling, Nate shocked him, saying "NO!". Then he showed a picture of June all ugly-fied and gave him ice cream, to make him think good things. But this isn't working, so it's time for hypnosis.

They tell Cole under hypnosis that anytime he sees June, he thinks he sees some hot alien chick that he wants to boink. And they come up with a trigger phrase to turn this off. So let's count how many movies we've ripped off. "There's Something About Mary", "A Clockwork Orange", and now "Shallow Hal". Oh and possibly "10 Things I Hate About You". Anyway the phrase is "I love midget mimes", which isn't common enough so it should work. And if you think that, you need to see more movies.

So all four go out on a date again at some pier in L.A, and Cole can't stop drooling over Jane, calling her a hot alien chick. And wouldn't you know it, there's a midget mime. And also wouldn't you know it, a little girl says "I love midget mimes!", which turns off Cole's hypnosis and he runs away at the sight of June.

The midget mime calls June up and draws her picture, but he put her face on the body of a horse. Before Nate can do anything, a young strapping guy comes up and dwarf tosses the guy. This is Johann and he shows interest in June. And he's just the perfect guy.

He's got a nice house, he's from "Europe" (Yes just "Europe"), he went to Harvard, he's a dentist, he helps out needy children, he's a model, and he can fly planes. Nate is jealous and Arno tells him that he's just using June as a backdoor to get to Cristabelle, so Nate has to constantly one-up him, including stopping him from taking his shirt off.

So of course two different times, Johann tries to take his shirt off and Nate tackles him. And during all this, June is finally doing something about the ugly stick she got beat with. She's seeing a dermatologist to remove all the warts and acne. She saw a foot guy to get her feet checked out, and she got some laser hair removal thing. Oh and Johann offered to fixed her teeth.

GASP! WHA?? You mean the Nottie is slowly turning into...A HOTTIE??? What will this mean for Nate? Is he slowly falling for June? NO!!

Yeah, you see everything coming right away. And you know Johann is up to something but we don't know what. When Nate tackled Johann, Cristabelle got pissed at Nate's jealousy and told him to leave. Three weeks later, Arno set Nate up with June and yep, she's a total hottie now. She doesn't look hideous and Nate is impressed. And of course more scenes of him falling more in love with June.

June invites Nate to a costume party and he dresses up like Speed Racer while Johann dresses up like...a dentist. Ok. Johann tells Nate that tonight's the night he's gonna do June a favor and de-virginize her and that's pretty much it. Nate is apalled that anyone would just have sex with a girl and leave her, much like what he was gonna do to...Cristabelle. Hm. Way to think about that, movie.

Cristabelle comes in wearing a wedding dress, farting up a storm, and acting drunk. We find out later she was testing Nate to see if he really loved her, but considering he's punching Johann for using June, I'd think he has the hots for June instead, but I didn't produce this movie so what the fuck do I know?

Nate and Cristabelle are alone and she puts on a skimpy outfit, so skimpy the guy playing Nate is like "FUCK! Why does the script have me NOT boning the shit out of her right now???" Instead, Nate confesses his love for June, who is trying to get out of being used by Johann.

Nate runs to Johann's looking for June but she's gone. Nate goes to the pier we were at earlier and she's there. Earlier, June gave this speech about how she's not the girl guys get out of breath for, but here since Nate was running he's out of breath, which turns June on. They kiss and...that's it. End movie.

The only bad thing about this movie is how predictable it is. You know from the start Nate isn't gonna get with Paris, she's just there to look hot. And the instant they mentioned June was doing something about her looks, you knew what was coming. I mean, hell, I've seen my fair share of John Hughes movies, I just knew how this was gonna end.

But the acting was pretty bad and not just from Paris. The dude playing Nate was also the main dude from "Hatchet", which is a pretty decent movie. But here, he's just bad. I'm guessing he didn't even bother with this one. Well anyway, I got one Paris Hilton Razzie out of the way, onto the next!

-Jason

New Review: Tin Man: Part 3

I messed up. This is the final part of "Tin Man".

Tin Man: Part 3

My bad.
-Jason

The Fight for #1: Week 9

Oh lord. Guess what's opening up this week?


I really don't know how this is gonna go. Normally Tyler Perry movies, especially the Madea ones, last at least 2 or 3 weeks until something better comes along. But here we have the staying power of a crappy Disney band which has roughly 11 trillion fans, all of whom are probably cramming into theaters as we speak. This is gonna be a tough call.

But I'm am gonna go with the JoBro's cause of the stupid tweens who'll be dragging their parents to see it this weekend. I will throw in a bonus and say that Madea will be number two. So since I"m giving myself a bonus, I'll give you all a bonus. This beeing the last game of the month, I'll give everybody 5 bonus points IF MADEA BECOMES THE #2 FILM. That's it. You don't have to do anything to get the bonus points but participate. If you send me your #1 picks, and Madea is #2, you get 5 bonus points.

With that said, here's last weeks top 10.


Also opening is a new Street Fighter movie and a couple of limited releases. Yeah, good luck with that.
-Jason

More Like Old Space! HA!

Sometime back in, oh I'm gonna say 2005, my friend Bill told me one day "DUDE! There's this neat and interesting website called 'Myspace'! It's fun!" He showed it to me and how he was meeting all these people he would never meet in real life ever and how he left messages and got to put all kinds of neat things on his profile and stuff. I went "Huh." And went home. A few days later, I said what the hell and made one myself.

(At this point you're asking, yes Jason, but this is a movie blog. What does this have to do with movies? Trust me, I'll get you there.)

After I made a profile I got instantly depressed cause no one was friending me (well besides Bill) and I instantly deleted it. Then sometime later, after creating my website, I went back and noticed that there were some Myspace profiles based solely on websites, so I said what the hell I need a place to gain fans, might as well go there.

If only I knew then what I know now about the icky-ness of Myspace.

(I swear, it'll come around to movies in a minute.)

So I kept the profile and anytime I updated the site I would make an announcement on there. It was ok for awhile and I eventually got a lot of friends.

Then I noticed something. A lot of profiles on Myspace belonged to movies. And real crappy movies. Crappy movies that don't deserve a whole fucking profile about how shitty it is. It's one thing to find celebrities on there but it's another that a movie has to answer the question "In A Relationship?"

So earlier, I decided to search Myspace profiles to see what crappy movies have profiles. To start off, I know of two already.

1. Step Up/Step Up 2 The Streets
This gained some popularity around here when I famously found this profile and saw they were having a home video contest and I entered and they took my entry seriously, which scares me to this day. From what I can tell, this was created SOLELY for the purpose of running a stupid contest which I'm sure was rigged anyway. (By the way, I don't think I made it into the movie. Stupid producers of Step Up 2.)

2. Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj
I went on about this when I found it cause I couldn't believe there was gonna be a sequel to Van Wilder...that doesn't feature the character Van Wilder. Hey! Let's name a movie after a character that won't appear in the movie! While we're at it, let's call a movie "The Joker From The Dark Knight Rules" and make it about the one dude that became the victim of the pencil trick!

So now I had to do a search for every crappy movie I could think of. The results...will surprise you.

3. The Love Guru
Yes. They made a Myspace page for this movie. What's worse is there's a seperate page for THE SOUNDTRACK!! There's a video called "Mike Meyers: The Joker", but since I'm gonna be reviewing this movie later this week, I'm gonna hold off in ruining my brain with what that could possibly mean.

4. Hilariously, I looked up "The Hottie and the Nottie" and at first all I found were just video results for the trailer and some behind the scenes crap. Then on the second page of results I found this page. It's the most generic page I've ever seen (In Myspace standards anyway) And there's only 1 friend (and 10 bucks on who that 1 friend is.) This gives me some hope.

5. Even though I don't think it's THAT bad of a movie (considering) but there is a myspace page for "Postal" the latest Uwe Boll film. I need to step it up and find a truly undeserving movie with a Myspace page.

6. The Room-
Well, ok it's really the writer/director/producer/editor/cook/bodyguard/chauffer/and star of The Room Tommy Wiseau's profile, but he named it "theroommovie" so it was suppose to be a profile page for this movie. As you may or may not know, sometime last month I ordered this movie via Amazon and actually sat through the whole thing. If there ever was a movie that DIDN'T need a stupid profile on a stupid website it's this one.

On another note, when I was starting to do this, I found this: A Back to the Future video page. I LOVE Back to the Future but why does it need a video page on Myspace? I believe enough people know about this movie, and probably owns the movie so they can watch the entire thing, instead of random 2 minute clips. Yeah, Myspace is really starting to bug me.

The only good thing I got from it is I did meet some new people and did get some fans/readers through it. And I learned about a bunch of movies like "Pervert!" which I have to get to some day. I was stoked about finding a bunch of my favorite celebrities on there, but I then come to the conclusion that probably half of them just have people run/update the profile. So while it'd be fucking awesome to have Jenna Fischer (AKA Pam) from The Office send me a response saying "Hi Jason! Love the site!" I know it's never gonna happen. So I give up on Myspace. Maybe I'm getting to old for it, or I'm really an impatient motherfucker, but it took me an hour to do this post cause all the pages I linked above took about 80 minutes each to load. (I know math-wise that don't make sense but you get my point.) And I'm tired of all the stupid looking profiles with the glitter and the animated crap and the pictures and the instant starting of music, which 99% of sucks donkey ass. So next Friday, I'm gonna offically delete anything Myspace related and just stick to Facebook, which is slowly turning into Myspace anyway.

Ok, that ending paragraph was non-movie related. So I should end this on a movie related note.
SAND DIMAS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!

There.
-Jason

Friday the 13th: UNCUT BITCHES!!

Miss Stacie over at Le Final Girl gave the assignment via her Film Club for people to watch and review the newly released Friday the 13th and My Bloody Valentine UNCUT DVD's. Me being Jason, I went with Ft13.

I don't even remember the last time I saw the original Friday the 13th so going into this, I wasn't for sure what "newly restored" footage was added. If I had to guess I'd say it was the ax to the face but I could be 100% wrong about that. And I swear they added a different ending.

The ending I remember is Alice sitting on the boat, Jason comes out and grabs her, pulls her into the lake and go to black, cue end credits. But here, she wakes up in a hospital and rants about a boy in the lake and everyone looks at her as if she's got 3 heads. Then after a shot of the lake, it fades to black. If this is the original ending, then I guess I blocked that part out of my mind and thought it'd be better my way.

Anyway, you all know the story. Camp Crystal Lake is being re-opened after being shut down for some years cause a boy drowned, then some councilors got killed. After the guy running the place (who spends his first 10 minutes of the movie shirtless and wearing a bandana around his neck) leaves for a bit, all the present councilors hook up, have sex, play Strip Monopoly (I gotta try that sometime), and get high. One by one, they all get killed by a roving camera man. The only person left is Alice, who meets Mrs. Voorhees, the mother of Jason, the boy that drowned. It's revealed she's cookoo for Count Chocula (That is the saying, right?) and is the one that murdered everyone so now it's a fight to the death between Alice and Ma Voorhees.

Of course this movie is way different than the sequels that follow. It's more of a tense thriller than a typical slasher flick. The victims were (somewhat) smart and were just at the wrong place at the wrong time. It's not until later that Jason kills a bunch of dumbasses/douchebags.

This is probably the third or forth time ever in my life seeing this and I went from liking it to not liking it to liking it again. I guess I go through weird phases. But I like it cause it takes it time, which makes all the killings later seem worth it. Granted, I also get a thrill when Jason shoves a machete through some dork out of nowhere, so whatever.

And I really can't say for sure what was so different about this "uncut" version (save for the ending that I don't remember happening) so it probably was nothing major. If you are a die hard Friday the 13th fan and wanna see for yourself, go ahead and pick this up. Otherwise just stick with the un-uncut version and go "woo" all night long.
-Jason

The Fight For #1: Week 8 Results

This Week's Totals:
Jason, Maria, Felicia: 10
Rachael M., Bobbie, April, Fletch :5
Highway: 2

Totals For February:
Jason: 30
Maria: 28
Felicia: 20
Bobbie: 23
April: 15
Highway: 14
Todd: 10
Adam: 8
Sean: 7
Rachael M.: 5

Man, I'm 3 for 3. Reminder: Next week is the final week for this month. Opening up next week is (checking...) ohjesushelpusall. The Jonas Brothers Concert Stupid Thingy. Just...no.

Good job to all who played.
-Jason

The Razzie "Winners"

They finally announced the "winners" of the 2008 Razzie Award. As usual, they set their sights on two or three films and just let them have it. Below are the nominees, the stuff in italics are what I picked, the stuff in bold is what won.

Worst Picture:
Disaster Movie and Meet The Spartans
The Happening
The Hottie and The Nottie
In The Name of The King:A Dungeon Siege Tale
The Love Guru
I'm cool with me not getting this one right, I had a hard time picking which movie SOUNDS worse. Of course I'm gonna know myself next week. Unless I kill myself now. Which I'm considering.

Worst Actor:
Larry the Cable Guy-WITLESS PROTECTION
Eddie Murphy-MEET DAVE
Mike Myers-THE LOVE GURU
Al Pacino-88 MINUTES and RIGHTEOUS KILL
Mark Wahlberg-THE HAPPENING and MAX PAYNE
Hey I got one! He really should branch out a bit and stop playing the same character (Someone with a weird accent that does weird things with his feet) over and over again.

Worst Actress:
Jessica Alba-THE EYE and THE LOVE GURU
The Cast of THE WOMEN
(Annette Bening, Eva Mendes, Debra Messing, Jada Pinkett-Smith and Meg Ryan)
Cameron Diaz-WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS
Paris Hilton-THE HOTTIE AND THE NOTTIE
Kate Hudson-FOOLS’ GOLD and MY BEST FRIEND’S GIRL
Hey I got two! Maybe she'll stop appearing in movies now!

Worst Supporting Actor:
Uwe Boll (as Himself)-Uwe Boll’s POSTAL
Pierce Brosnan-MAMMA MIA!
Ben Kingsley-THE LOVE GURU, WAR, INC. and THE WACKNESS
Burt Reynolds-DEAL and IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE
Verne Troyer-THE LOVE GURU and Uwe Boll’s POSTAL
Ack, three out of four so far! Could I...really be getting a handle on this finally? Maybe I should start going to Vegas and picking winners on....something.

Worst Supporting Actress:
Carmen Electra-DISASTER MOVIE and MEET THE SPARTANS
Paris Hilton REPO: THE GENETIC OPERA
Kim Kardashian-DISASTER MOVIE
Jenny McCarthy-WITLESS PROTECTION
Leelee Sobieski-88 MINUTES and IN THE NAME OF THE KING
Aw damn. Seriously, if Paris won, Kim shoulda won too, since they have SOOOO much in common. (Do I really need to list what here?)

Worst Screen Couple:
Uwe Boll & ANY Actor, Camera or Screenplay
Cameron Diaz & Ashton Kutcher-WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS
Paris Hilton and either Christine Lakin or Joel David Moore-HOTTIE & THE NOTTIE
Larry the Cable Guy & Jenny McCarthy-WITLESS PROTECTION
Eddie Murphy IN Eddie Murphy-MEET DAVE
I dunno, as much as I don't like Paris Hilton "acting" I think Larry The Cable guy should stop as well. And if the Razzie's aren't gonna tell him to stop, who or what will?

Worst Director:
Uwe Boll-1968: Tunnel Rats, In The Name Of The King and Postal
Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer-DISASTER MOVIE and MEET THE SPARTANS
Tom Putnam-THE HOTTIE AND THE NOTTIE
Marco Schnabel-THE LOVE GURU
M. Night Shyamalan-THE HAPPENING
Got another one! I knew they'd give it to Senor Boll this year. Even if they already made up a category just for him.

Worst Screenplay:
Disaster Movie and Meet The Spartans-Both Written By Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer
The Happening-Written By M. Night Shyamalan
The Hottie And The Nottie-Written By Heidi Ferrer
In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale-Screenplay By Doug Taylor
The Love Guru-Written By Mike Myers & Graham Gordy
Yet again, I'm good with either.

Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-off, or Sequel:
The Day The Earth Blowed Up Real Good (The Day The Earth Stood Still)
Disaster Movie and Meet The Spartans
Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull
Speed Racer
Star Wars: The Clone Wars
UUUUGHH!!! NO! I promised I would let the anger die I promis-WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL??? THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT!!!! IT WAS A FINE MOVIE!!! I DON'T GET WHY EVERYONE IN THE FUCKING WORLD HATES THIS MOVIE!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE???????
Ok...sorry. I stepped away from my computer, did some breathing. I'm fine. I'm fin-LEAVE INDIANA JONES ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!

Worst Carrer Achievement:
Uwe Boll (Germany’s Answer to Ed Wood)-Only nominee.
Nothing to say here.

So I got five out of nine! Hey, that's not bad! And as usual, the big "winners" just happen to be the ones you guys voted on. I saw on the Razzie site you can sign up to be a member to vote on which films should win or whatever. I'm totally thinking about it.
-Jason

PS: Sorry about the Indiana Jones rant. I honestly swear that's the last time I'm gonna mention it. Hopefully now that we got a whole new year ahead of us, we can just go our seperate ways. There ain't no good guy, there ain't no bad guy, there's just you and me and we just disagree.

Razzie Poll Is Closed

Hot damn, you guys really want me to suffer, huh?

In the "worst picture" poll, there was a tie. So looks like I'm gonna be suffering through "The Hottie and the Nottie" and "The Love Guru/Guro". I wonder if you guys really thought there was a different movie called "Love Guro" and picked it just for the hell of it.

As for the "Other" Poll, looks like "Repo: The Genetic Opera" won, and looking at the cast list, it features Paris Hilton, so I get a double dose of Paris. Thanks guys. Thanks a lot.


That's hot that's hot!

Oh and I still don't understand how one poll got more votes than the other. I mean, it should've been the same number of votes seeing how I had them both up at the same time. Did you guys not see the second poll or something? I'm really confused.

Anyway, as I stated sometime ago, I'm gonna be getting to these movies next week when I have a couple of days off to get to them. In the meantime, I'm waiting for the "winners" to be announced, which is happening later in the day instead of early in the morning for some reason. So stay tuned for that!
-Jason

The Fight for #1: Week 8

Here's last week's Top Ten in case you forgot:


Coming out this week:
Madea Goes To Jail-Bought to you by Tyler Perry
Fired Up-A Cheerleading Movie telling us it's not a cheerleading movie despite the fact there's cheerleading going ON in the movie. But whatever.

My choice goes to Madea cause it's got the success of the previous Madea movies going for it. But I've been wrong before (Looking at you, Paul Blart.)
-Jason