Based on a true story...
The Shining.
The Shining, The Shining, The Shining, The Shining.
The Shining.
The Shining was at first a novel by Stephen King, which I've read and enjoyed. Then Stanley Kubrick decided to turn it into a movie. And that movie is what I'm talking about now.
Ok, let's be honest. It's the fucking "Shining". Everybody seen the fucking "Shining". Even anti-horror people like Dylan here seen "The Shining". What could I possibly say about it? It's a classic movie with great performances.
But I was not about to flake out on this review. Dylan is counting on me, and dammit, I must get a 300 or more word article about "The Shining" to him. So while looking at the DVD and the release year (the '70's), I had an idea.
I'm about 30 years old, give or take. Of course I'm gonna love "The Shining". But what does the youth of today think? I decided to go out onto the streets and grab two random teenagers. And they are over 18. Cause anyone younger kinda freaked out when I ran up to them and said "You must come to my place so I can show you something old!" Didn't help I forgot to put a shirt on.
So I got two guys named Brent and Tyler.
Brent (Left) and Tyler (Right)
They are 18 years old. I sat them down and they watched The Shining. Afterwards I simply asked them "Tell me, in your own words, what you just saw." The following is what they said, word for word.
Brent: "So, like, this movie starts off and I thought it was like a drama or something. Cause it's about this dude-who played that dude?"
Tyler: "Jack Nichol-something."
Brent: "Oh. He's that golfer guy, right? Anyway. He was a drunk but now he's not and he gets a job to live in a hotel for a year or something."
Tyler: "Dude! Is that an actual job? Can you really just live in a empty hotel for a year?"
Brent: "I don't know but we should get that job. Just live in a hotel, party, and drink! WOO!!!"
Tyler: "Anyway, like, I guess this Jack guy is a hipster cause he had a typewriter. Why he didn't bring his computer is confusing."
Brent: "Well, duh. Computers were, like, huge back in like the 60's or whenever this movie happened! They had to leave them at home. Plus I doubt they got wifi up in the mountains."
Tyler: "'ight, 'ight. So Jack is married to this skinny chick, I think she was a model-"
Brent: "Yeah, dude, she was a judge on America's Next Top Model. Twiggy or something. Bree watches it."
Tyler: "Oh. Well, so Jack, Twiggy, and this kid named Danny all live in this hotel. And Danny he's like psychic or something cause he can read the thoughts of this old black dude."
Brent: "Yeah. And not a whole lot happens in the first hour of this movie. Just Jack writing, Twiggy being skinny, and Danny riding this weird bike thing."
Tyler: "But then, he comes across twins! And they came out of fuckin' nowhere, dude!"
Brent: "It was intense!"
Brent & Tyler (Singing): Double girls alll the way across the hall!!!!
Tyler: "They talked and it turns out...they're fucking ghosts!"
Brent: "Yeah, and this entire hotel is haunted! There's ghosts all over the place! And Jack is talking to them like they're still alive. Danny keeps seeing them. The only one who didn't was Twiggy."
Tyler: "Probably cause she was too skinny. When you're hungry, you can't see ghosts, dude."
Brent: "Tru dat, tru dat. Oh, so winter arrives and Jack is going crazy or something. He walks around. More ghosts. Twiggy is skinny. Danny talks in this demon voice. It's all kinda slow. Then, fuckin' Jack goes into this hotel room."
Tyler: "Oh dude. That scene, man. That chick was all hot at first. Then she turned into Kathy Bates! I guess this was before that one movie where she got naked in that hot tub with that guy. What was his name?"
Brent: "I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, man. Anyway, so Kathy Bates is a ghost and she's all rotting and shit and this freaked me out. Then it got boring again. I was like "Dude, why do you bore us for an hour, scare us for 5 seconds, then bore us again? The fuck kind of horror movie is this?"
Tyler: "Yeah, dude. Like where were all the scenes of cats scaring people or it only being a dream! That's a fuckin' horror movie right there!
Brent: "More stuff happened and a bunch of blood came from an elevator. Jack just loses his shit and-oh dude! The Simpson's did this movie! Remember? Homer was like out of beer and shit so he went crazy! I thought this movie seemed familar!"
Tyler: "Ohh, yeah. That episode was funny. This movie...not as much."
Brent: "There was an interesting chase scene through some bushes."
Tyler: "No, dude, you forgot something. Danny psychically calls the old black dude and the old black dude spends half the movie driving to this hotel in a blizzard and the moment he walks into the hotel, he gets fuckin' stabbed. Like mothafuckin KA-BAM! In the FUCKING CHEST! I mean, Jesus, what a fucking waste of time!"
Brent: "The ending I didn't really understand. Ok so Jack is chasing Danny around the bushes with an ax. Danny and Twiggy reunite and they kinda leave. Jack is just frozen and we get a picture of Jack back in like some olden time. Like 1980 or some shit. So...did he time travel? Is that what happened?"
Tyler: "Dude! He froze himself...backwards! That's so awesome!"
Brent: "So is this movie going to be remade? That 'Transformers' guy could remake this movie! And get Justin Bieber to play Danny!"
Tyler: "Dude, Bieber would so kill in this role!"
Brent: "Anyway, that was this boring ass movie. Where's our money?"
So I paid them in 200 Twitter Bucks (That's a real thing, right?). Goes to show you what this generation knows.
For real, "The Shining" is pretty good. Brilliantly acted and filmed. And it is creepy as hell. If you honestly haven't seen this movie, and you're over the age of 25, then do yourself a favor and watch this movie. You won't regret it.
-Jason
1 comment:
Beautiful.
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