[NOTE: Something truly terrible awful happened to Jason while writing this review. After scanning his hard drive, this review was found waiting in the draft section, which we are presenting to you now, unedited. Thanks! -MGMT]
(Ok, sign into Blogger...oh hey Final Girl did a new post...nah I'll read it after I do this review. Ahem.)
Hey, this is Jason Soto from Invasion of the-
(Why am I doing that? Everybody knows it's me. And the name of this site. Eh, whatever. Keep going.)
Hey, what's up? This is Jason Soto from Invasion of the B Movies! This is the last week in October so I better get through some zombie movies quickly! Today I'm gonna take a look at a movie that I bought on a whim some months ago cause I heard a lot of good things about it! It's called...
(Holder for the poster)
I popped the movie in, only knowing a few things about it before hand. I also knew there's an American remake called "Quarentine", which kind of makes sense. I mean when you look at this title, you wanna say "Rec" but you also kinda wanna say "Record" cause really, that's what "Rec" stands for. Whatever.
(Eh, that part seems rambly. I don't think anyone really cares. I'll edit that later.)
The movie begins with a chick named Angela hosting a TV show called "While You're Asleep/While You're Sleeping". See, I watched the movie with the English dubbing but left the subtitles on for a minute. It was distracting cause the voice said one thing while the subtitles said another. I guess you could say it's like the difference between "Rec" and "Record".
(Ok, NOW I have to that first paragraph in. Ugh.)
Anyway, Angela and her cameraman Pablo are at a fire station, filming their TV show. They're just kinda chillin out, maxin, relaxing all cool and all shooting some b-ball inside the fire station. When a couple of people who didn't feel no good started making trouble in an apartment. One cop got a little bitten and people got cared and said "You're gonna be quarantined for a long ass time in Barcelona!"
(NICE JOB on fitting the first 20 minutes into the lyrics of "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air"! I deserve another LAMMY for that shit!)
So yeah, the fire people get a call, they go into an apartment to answer the call of some crazy lady going nuts. She bites a cop, but they can't leave the building! Soon, the lady bites another fireman and soon people in the building are freaking out.
(Ok, I need to list the characters in a clever way. Just to note who they are there was that foppish guy who I think was gay, the bitchy mother and her daughter, the Chinese family, the two old people, and the head of the building or whatever that's called...look that up on Google later, who's also a doctor.)
Things kinda slow down but we a lot of story thrown our way. We find out the bitchy mom's dog got sick and was sent to the vet. Her daughter doesn't feel good. Some weird guy lives in the attic/penthouse (again, depends on how you watch this movie) but he hasn't been around for months.
The army (I guess it's army?) shows up to trap everyone in the building. Dead people, like the crazy lady, comes back to life and attacks people. There's a lot of scenes are just like:
AHHHHHH zzzzzz ooohhhhhh zzzzz whooooaaaaaa fuuuuuuummmmmmmmhhhhhhh!!
I hope you got the text equivilent(Spell check later) of a camera moving around.
One part, Angela annoyed the fuck out of me. The army/whoever sent in a health official to check out the situation (beat that beat! beat that beat!...Jersey Shore joke too lame? Look into that.) and they took the bitten cop and fireman into a room. Pablo finds an open window into the room and records everything. This entire time, Angela is like "Pablo! What's going on? PABLO! TELL ME! PAAAABLO!!! UH!!!" I was like "Shut the fuck up so we can hear what's going on!"
In the room, the cop comes back to life and bites the doctor. The Health guy is a pussy and he runs away like a girl. Then we find out the truth: the dog that belonged to bitchy lady...was a zombie dog!! AWW! I love zombie dogs! They should've shown that! So it's natural to assume bitchy lady and her sick kid are next.
Sure enough, the kid is now a zombie and starts to bite people. She bites another cop and soon, Health guy turns into a zombie. Bitchy woman, who was handcuffed for being a bitch (citation needed), is bitten. In the end, everyone but one fireman, Angela, and Pablo are bitten.
Actually, we don't see the old people get bitten. I guess we just assume they did. Whatever, old zombies aren't as interesting.
Eventually, the last fireman is bitten and turned. Angela goes to the doctors/head of the building apartment to find some keys that'll open a secret passage way when they have to go up to the attic cause all the floors now have zombies.
In the attic we find out some more shit. The dude that lived there worked for the Vatican and...
Ok, this shit always cracks me up. Don't you just love in movies when people who do things save EVERY news article about them or the person involving them and then TAPES THEM TO THEIR WALLS! Every fucking movie does this and it's hilarious! Like anybody would do that in real life.
[NOTE FROM MGMT: Next to Jason's computer was a newspaper clipping that read "Local B-Movie Reviewer Last Seen Leaving Contaiminated Video Store" with a big picture of him. We don't know if this means anything.]
So anyway, we learn through these newspaper clippings that the dude was working on this special case about a "possessed girl". He was trying to cure her. She vanished and not a lot has been seenzz-
(Ugh, I sneezed. I'll fix that later. Need to get this review done. I don't feel so good...)
She vanished and now she might be the cause of all this. Pablo sticks his camera into this crawl space and-
HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT FUCKING THING FUCK ME FUCK ME FUK ME FUCK-
(Put 4 stars here after review is written.)