Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Zombie Month: Oasis of the Zombies

Man, I WONDERWALL why this movie even got made. You need some CHAMPAGNE SUPERNOVA to get through this movie. Oddly enough, no one in this movie will LIVE FOREVER. WHAT'S THE STORY, MORNING GLORY? on this movie, you ask? DON'T LOOK BACK IN ANGER, I'll tell you. SUPERSONIC.

The movie starts with two chicks who should be hot. Well one of them is hot the other not only is the most annoying bitch ever, but she's got a prominate mustache. Mustache Chick is being dragged around by Hotter Girl and keeps hearing shit. Hotter Girl doesn't hear anything and investigates a gun just lying there. Mustache Girl decides to go color her mustache and leaves, only to be attacked by a POV camera. Same goes for Hotter Girl.

After the credits (was directed by Jess Franco, who I heard a lot about. Hopefully, this is his least popular movie) a Burly Guy pulls up to some house somewhere in Europe and meets with some dude. The Dude use to be in the Army and knows where $6 million dollars is buried. Burly Guy, after getting the location, injects some poison into Army Dude and he dies.

Somewhere in England, Robert, the Army Dude's son, hears of his dad's death and goes to get everything sorted out. At Army Dude's house, Robert finds a journal written by Dad talking about fighting the nazi's at some desert Oasis and being the only survivor. I'm not implying Army Dad fought and killed the Nazi's by himself, but that would've been much cooler.

Army Dad is left roaming the desert until some nomads find him and put him on a camel and take him to The Shiek. The Shiek and some chick (Coming to CBS THIS Fall!) nurse Army Dad back to health. Army Dad has an obvious boner for the Chick and I'm reminded that Robert is really learning all this through his dad's journal, so he could probably stop here.

"And then Robert's Mom tore off her clothes, exposing her glistening naked body. I tore off my robe, fully erect. I slowly went up to her and penetrated her-"
"Ok, thanks Dad!"

Long story short, Robert's Dad boned the chick, got her pregnant and she died giving birth to Robert. When his dad came back for another quickie, he finds out she died and is now a father. Isn't that always the way? That's why I don't keep in touch with my ex's.

So Robert now knows there's $6 Million dollars in some Oasis and it's up to him and suddenly his friends to find it!

Burly Guy and his crew arrive there and before you think "oh snap! Burly Guy is going to fight Robert for the money but the zombies get in the way!" don't, cause it don't happen. Within an hour of Burly Guy and his crew showing up, the zombies SLOWLY (I do mean SLOOOOOOOWLY) appear and eat all the crew. They only bite Burly Guy and he somehow drives away.

Robert and his friends show up wherever this is and meet a film crew. Why they team up with the film crew is a mystery. But one of the film crew is Susan, who catches the eyes of one of Robert's friends. I'm gonna stop here to point out two things:
1. The dialouge gets passive aggressive at times. There were lines like "I was looking for you!" "Well here I am!" and "This is a very old house!" "Well enjoy it now!!" Like jeez, what's your problem?
2. One of Robert's friend is named Ackmed. I just like pointing that out.

So Robert and his friends tag along with the film crew and they end up at some place where Burly Guy showed up, screaming about walking dead, then he dies. They burn his body before he turns into a zombie. So another thing about this movie, whenever someone is bit by a zombie, they don't get turned into one. That ruins THAT fun.

Robert finds the Shiek, who's now wearing a fake mustache, and the Shiek tells him where the Oasis is. Despite not wanting ANYONE to go there. Alrighty. Well, I'm kinda glad he told them. This movie was dragging. I came for some god damn zombie action! Fuck!

Robert and his friends find the Oasis and there they find the film crew. Most of them are dead. Only Susan and her Professor (I don't know why the Professor was with the film crew either) are somewhat alive. Actually what happened was Robert's friend who wants to bone Susan finds her, looking like she's dead. They ask if she's alive and they say "I don't know!"

VERY next scene, they're all laughing and Susan is walking around saying "If you don't find your treasure by tomorrow, I'm leaving!" and laughing as well. Well, I guess she is OK. So there are scenes of Robert and his friends digging for the treasure and...where are the fucking zombies?

All the other times, whenever anyone THOUGHT about stepping foot in this oasis, the zombies appeared and munched on people. These jackasses are here for like a weekend and they don't show up? The hell? Oh and get this scene. So Robert's friend, let's call him Dave, and Susan are about to get it on in their tent. Dave AND Susan are naked and they're kissing and whatnot. Then suddenly Dave goes "I gotta go back with my friends."

WHAT?!? Dude, you are SO FUCKING STUPID! You got a NAKED CHICK in your fucking tent and you say "I gotta go back with my friends". WHAT? WHY? It's night time! Nothing is happening! Ackmed is just sitting around smoking and staring at sand, which is what we do as well for 10 fucking minutes in this movie! Fuck Susan already! Jesus!!

Eventually, the zombies appear and they attack Ackmed! NO! NOT ACKMED! He was the best character! He wore a fez! He smoked! He said the "enjoy it now!" line! He can't die!!!

Another question I have is this: The zombies, when they rise to attack, are always coming out from the ground. They've risen and attacked before so who's burying them under the sand when they're done? Are they burying each other? What about the zombie that's left? Does he just sit by a tree? I don't get it.

They didn't even try. This guy is clearly just wearing a skeleton mask.

Whatever. Let's wrap this up.

So zombies appear. But it's too fucking dark to see anything. Literally the last 10 minutes of this movie is just darkness. From the lines being shouted, I figured out that if they make a huge fire the zombies will stop attacking. While making said fire, they attacked some people. Who, exactly, I'm not sure. But the fire gets made and the zombies just stand there...until the sun comes up. Then they simply vanish. Ugh, that was anti-climatic.

Robert and his girlfriend (I'm assuming it was his girlfriend) are the only ones alive. The Shiek finds them and he shows them how to get back to civilization. And...that's it.

This movie was slow as hell. The only parts I did like was when the zombies attacked but that only happened like 3 times. Way to barely feature any zombies in your zombie movie, asshole. If you must see every zombie movie, or even Nazi zombie movie, then I'll recommend this. Otherwise you can just skip it. You're not missing much.


PS: This movie made me think of this:

Man, I made a lot of music references in this review.


ghidorah said...

Loved your review, it's hilarious!
This movie was not.

For me the best part of is when it zoom on the two chick's ass at the beginning, but to each his own...

and, BTW, I got another zombie movie review online (this time for something more mainstream: The Crazies) http://acheteretentretenirsatronconneuse.com/blog/?p=4493

Mad Men said...

Thank you for this great movie review. This is really awesome! I'm not really into zombie movies but this post makes me crave for more. So for those who haven't seen the movie yet, well it's a two thumbs up movie! Grab them at online purchase.