(By Maria)
Norway, Nazis, zombies.
These are things that don’t normally go well together. That’s what we have in "Dead Snow", a skiing vacation gone horribly wrong. And a lesson, if your vacation seems a little too much like the beginning of a horror movie it’s probably a good time to check into a nice hotel instead.
A group of Norwegian college students are spending their break up at one of their friend’s cabins in the mountains. It’s a little out of the way and there’s no cell phone signal and I’m pretty sure that no one knows there up there. One of them even remarks how this is just like the beginning of Evil Dead. He’s the movie nerd whose name is probably the Norwegian version of Jason.
Joining Jason of Norway we have the handsome hero type male, Vegard, the smarter male with glasses, Martin, the tough chick with dreadlocks, Hanna, the smart female and the nervous ditzy woman who doesn’t know everyone so well and the weasely guy.
The trouble begins when a crazy mountain man visit the cabin looking for coffee. He sits alone on one couch while they sit on the other together. He tells them the story of how the townspeople nearby got so sick of the Nazis coming to their town and rampaging and pillaging that they ganged up on them and killed them horribly. Then they threw the Nazis’ bodies out onto the fjord. Oh and you should probably start worrying about that one friend of yours that hasn’t shown up yet.
In the morning Vegard goes out in the snowmobile to find Sara, his girlfriend, who decided to ski to the cabin and hasn’t shown up yet. We all know she’s dead because we saw her get killed at the very beginning of the movie. But this way the other friends don’t have a snowmobile to escape! Vegard happens upon the creepy guy from last night. He’s dead, frozen and he’s intestines are no longer in his body.
Meanwhile at the cabin Norway Jason finds a box filled with jewelry, coins and medals with swastikas on them. They immediately start thinking they’ve found a treasure and start playing dress up. Jason has to go and right after he’s done going number two the ditzy girl goes in the outhouse and starts boinking him! How romantic! Little do they know that outside there’s a point of view monster. Ditzy girl is left alone in the outhouse and she, of course, is the first victim of Nazi zombie wrath! Everyone else is left in the cabin barricading the doors with furniture and screaming and crying. Norway Jason stands a little too close to an open window and his death is particularly gruesome.
The next morning it’s decided that the men will distract the zombies while the women run down the mountain to get the car. Vegard has fallen into a hole where he finds a collection of heads. One of them happens to be Sara’s! Vegard manages to fight off one zombie just as another one pops out of the snow. He is not having a good day.
The zombies start picking of our heroes one by one. The pretty blond woman manages to blow a couple up with a grenade while the dreadlocked woman hides in a tree. A stupid bird gives her away and the zombies get her too. Meanwhile the men are back in the cabin. They are trying to fight the zombies off with Molotov cocktails and of course manage to set the cabin on fire. They find the tool shed and they’re saved!
They’ve got big knives and a sledgehammer and a chainsaw! They’ll be fine. The zombies keep coming and they slice through them with the chainsaw like butter. It looks like they just might make it! But there’s a whole battalion of Nazi zombies coming over the mountain. Meanwhile Vegard has been busy! He’s been sewing his neck back together with fishing line and killing zombies with his snowmobile. Eventually there are just too many zombies for him to handle and they get the best of him too.
It looks like the Nazi zombie commander is getting pretty sick of the shenanigans and starts taking matters into his own hands. Hey maybe if you kill the head Nazi zombie the rest will go back to sleep! Or does that only work with vampires? One of the men has been bitten so he saw off his own arm with a chainsaw! He takes one swipe to get through a whole zombie but 30 seconds to get through an arm. Just as he’s done the deed a zombie pops out of the snow and bites him on the wiener! Yes, really. He considers using the chainsaw on that but decides against it.
Aw, crap. Ten thousand more zombies pop out of the snow and the men decide it’s time to start running away. And we’re down to one last guy, the smart one with glasses. He’s got one arm and a bit off wiener and he’s covered with blood, but he just might make it.
Nope, fooled you. Cue Norwegian death metal.
It’s your pretty typical zombie movie. And I think it’s meant to be. Well made though and nice and gory. It did have a couple things taken straight out of "Shaun of the Dead". I did like how there were really only three colors in the movie, red, white and black. All the red blood looked great against the white snow. Maybe I’m just artsy fartsy like that.
If YOU want to see your name in lights, then buy some lights. If you want to see something you wrote on this blog, however, you can watch a zombie movie, then write up a little something-something and send it to me at invasionofthebmovies at gmail dot com and I'll post it! Don't be scared! It's fun! WEEEE!!
-Jason
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