Monday, March 22, 2010

B-Movie Meatloaf: Paranormal Entity



After spending the morning boiled into controversy, I took a heavy sigh and put in "Paranormal Entity" in my DVD player.

For those of you not in the know, "Entity" was made by The Asylum, a movie company I talk about a lot. They pretty much scan all the COMING SOON TO THEATERS trailers and as quickly as possible, whip up their own versions of said movies, but with a slight twist. Then they release these movies around the same day as the original movie hits theaters, possibly hoping to confuse stupid people and old ladies.





"Oh, my grandson was talking about this Transmorphers movie and here it is. I'll buy this for him so he doesn't need to spend only God knows how much seeing it in the picture house. Here you go, Tommy!"

One of these shameful rip-off's was on "Paranormal Activity" and this is really shameful. I can see tricking people into watching movies like "Transmorphers" or "The Terminators" or even "Alien vs Hunter" but making a movie based on "found" footage? It'll make you wonder how many wanna-be film makers are out there trying to capture "real" footage of spooky stuff.

With that said, "Entity" takes the "Activity" story and spins it on it's head. We focus on Thomas and his sister Samantha and his Mom. Sam is fucking hot and I'm pretty sure Thomas wants to do her in the worse way. He spends most of the beginning filming her and her clevage.



They eventually set up the story which is Mom tried to talk to her dead husband one night and ever since, "something" has been causing chaos in the house. Thomas, despite being unemployed, manages to buy THREE high quality cameras with awesome night vison.

If you seen "Activity" then you know what the night vison footage looks like. Things start off kinda slow. A TV turns on and off on it's own. A phone rings with no one on the other end. A table moves. A cross over Sam's bed keeps falling off. And of course Thomas responds to screams with camera in hand.

Things amp up a bit when one night a loud thud and stomping is heard. All three go investigate and they find footprints on the ceiling. Maybe it's Spider Pig? The next morning Thomas finds out the footprints are covered in ash and he finds Dad's urn knocked over and footprints all around it.



I'll admit, this scene was effective.

Some more nights go by and Sam seems to be the target of these attacks. "Whatever" is in the house manages to push the camera in her bedroom (Thomas' idea, obviously) into the closet and it tries to rape her. Eventually, Thomas tells Mom and Sam to leave the house for the night so he can try to stop this thing himself. His idea? Set up "Home Alone" style traps. Well, ok, it's only a string with a bell attached. But...IT WALKED ON THE FUCKING CEILING!!! Put a bell up there.



Oddly enough, this bell trick works. I guess these demons can only walk on the ceiling so often. Thomas investigates and he's attacked by the bells. Mom calls and says Sam was attacked at the hotel so they might as well come home. During another night footage scene, Mom wakes up in a daze and writes the word MARON on a piece of paper. Of course Mom doesn't remember this. According to this site, Maron means "Sturgon". Oh of course, that solves everything. They ate a possessed fish and now it's pissed off.



While this is happening, the family is trying to call a paranormal investigator and/or exorcist but he seems to be on vacation. Vacation? They don't do anything! How do you take a vacation from talking to ghosts? Whatever.

Eventually, we see Sam in her bra and later fully topless and of course Thomas is there. One night, Mom wakes up and slits her wrists and she ends up going to the hospital. FINALLY, this exorcist shows up and pretty much says "If I didn't go away, none of this would've happened." Surprisingly, Thomas didn't punch the shit out of this guy.



To demostrate this anti-climatic ending, here's my famous Dash Style detailing exactly what happens in real time here we go.
-Exoricst walks around the house with his hands in the air (cause he's a true playa) and goes "Yes".
-Exoricst then talks to Sam and tells her what she already knows: this "thing" is after her.
-Exorcist then tells Thomas and Sam to clear their minds, cause they're gonna rid of this thing.
-Screen goes black.
-Sam is screaming. Camera turns back on. Exorcist is dead.
-Thomas grabs the camera and runs through the house and finds random things thrown all over the place, including Dad's ashes.
-Thomas runs into Sam's room and finds her naked and possibly being raped by a ghost.
-Thomas drops the camera and now this movie is ripping off "Blair Witch Project".
-Things go super quiet. Then "something" picks up the camera and films a dead naked Sam.
-Screen goes black and some title cards come up to tell us that Mom killed herself when she learned Sam and Thomas died.
-There's another title card and this one has a typo. See if you can find it:


And that's it. I hate to admit it, but this movie got to me a few times. And this is really the perfect movie for The Asylum. The budget doesn't have to exceed a thousand dollars (if that) and they just need some people who want to be actors but can't get Speilberg's attention. No special effects besides fishing line. And extras to scream and moan. So for the film itself, it's not too bad. But the original is WAAAY better. And scarier.

-Jason

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Damn dude, no nudie pics of the sister?? What the hell, bro!

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