5 More Days Until 30 Days!

Hi gang! I had a busy weekend, which I'm gonna write about in my personal LiveJournal, but I wanted to write in here first about the upcoming event that I've dubbed "30 Days of Horror"!

In case you're not in the know, I mentioned last blog entry that I was gonna devote the entire month of April to only horror movies. Since then I've had people ask me "Well...don't you already do horror movies on your site?" And, well, yeah, that's true. 90% of the movies I review on the site are, oddly enough, horror movies, with the other 5% being sci-fi and boring ass dramas. I plan on putting more genres in the mix later this year but I wanna clear up what I mean by "30 Days of Horror".

I mean every day in the month of April, I'm gonna watch at LEAST one horror movie.

With that said, here's some of things you'll be seeing in April:
1. Some updated reviews. As I mention, I seem to do a lot of shitty horror movies, many of them in the first year or so of running the site. Which means there aren't any images or the review itself just sucks. So I plan on updating a few here or there. I'm gonna start with April Fool's Day on...go on. Guess which day. (nudge nudge)

2. I'm not gonna set any rules or regulations for this. Like, I'm not ONLY gonna watch ones I haven't seen before or ONLY update reviews. I'm gonna mix it up. And I'm not only gonna watch new or old movies, or only just ones on DVD. I'm gonna do the whole shebang. DVD, VHS, laserdisc (My friend Bill has a laserdisc player and has The Exorist on Laserdisc. Maybe I can ask nicely...) and yes in theaters. I'm not seeing a whole bunch of non-horror movies coming out to theaters in April so it should be all good.

3. I'm gonna write either a short article here on the blog, a Probe or a full review on the site. Probably mostly be here on the blog. I only got a few Probes planned, and the normal 3 or 4 full reviews on Sundays (if possible).

4. You might've noticed I didn't add the "movies" to "30 Days of Horror". That's because I'm also gonna venture off into the realm of television. I'm probably gonna stray away from The Twilight Zone and Tales from The Crypt. If I find any Tales from the Darkside though, I'm all over it like a virgin on his prom date.

5. This might be a little iffy, and not sure how to go about doing this, but a select few posts might contain some video of me doing or saying something. That's only if I feel up to it though, so don't give your hopes up.

6. And finally for the legality. Life is unpredictable and you or I never know what's gonna come up so if anything life altering happens in the Month of April and I'm not able to fulfill my duties of posting SOMETHING once a day, don't get all mad at me and be like "What a gyp! Screw you, Soto!" I don't know what will come up but something might, so I'm saying this just in case. If anyone out there wants to be a backup writer of sorts, or hell even WANTS to contribute in some way, shape, or form, please, feel free. I welcome it.

Thats it. I got a bunch planned and some surprises that I won't reveal or ruin here just yet, cause if I do, I'm sure "somebody" will talk me out of it. (nudge nudge again).
-Jason

What's New & Coming Up

Hey guys!! I felt like writing SOMETHING here today but I wasn't sure what, so I thought I'd post some past, present, and future things. Make sense? No? Yeah I can see that.

Anyway, let's get this over with.


1. As I stated, the Battlefield Earth Mass Invasion is finally posted! Most of what I said about all the troubles we all went through is true. I honestly haven't heard from Rachael since she sent me that email, and I haven't heard from Maria so I'm assuming she's locked away in a hospital. I hope they get better. As for me, my stomach as finally died down. But here's a funny story. I got the movie from Netflix and after assigning the chapters, I sent it to Felicia so she could watch it. Since she took some time with it, and I still needed to get the images I had to go to the video store to rent it. So on Saturday the 15th I went and looked around and...didn't see it. I was like "awww FUCK!!" which got me some weird looks from the people that work there. Then on a weird whim I decided to check out their used movies of sale section. Sure enough, behind Big Fat Liar was Battlefield Earth. And I swear to god they were selling it for 2 dollars, which is easily the cheapest movie I have ever seen at that video store. So to make a long story short, I had to buy the freakin' movie in order to get the review done. The question remains: Should I hold on to it, should I sell it, or should I burn it and video tape me burning it? Maybe I'll make it a poll... Well enough of that.


2. It's St. Patrick's Day! And because of B.E I didn't get around to updating all my reviews of the Leprechaun series like I intended to. So it'll just have to wait another year, or maybe I'll just do it for no reason later this year. Who knows. Anyway, here be the links:
Leprechaun
Leprechaun 2
Leprechaun 3
Leprechaun 4: In Space
Leprechaun In The Hood

Yeah the page format is probably crappy and there's no images. I'm gettin' to it.

3. Easter is Sunday and every since I started my site back in 2005, I been trying to get "Night of the Lepus" in, on, or around Easter. Yet again, with B.E I wasn't able to. I might try to do it this week but that's not a guarentee. Maybe I'll make it a late Easter review.

4. At the LAMB, Nick from Random Ramblings of a Demented Doorknob came up with this cool thing. Each one of us came up with a kickass female character and we had to write an article about the character kicking another character's ass. Then people can go and vote for which article was more convincing and whoever's character wins advances to the next round and it keeps going until there's one winner. That's the best I could explain it. A better explaination can be found here.
My article hasn't been published yet cause whoever I'm fighting against hasn't put their story in. I suspect it's because they know MY character kicks the most ass and they're like "OHHH NO! I can't win against (Jason's character I'm keeping it a surprise until it's finally posted)! I'm just not gonna do it!!" and then by default my character wins. That's how I see it ending anyway.

5. I got a bunch of neat blog topics to post about, I just haven't really been too organized to sit down to write them. I swear I'll get to one this week, plus another Trailer Thursday will be posted.

6. Wanna see some neat videos I did?
Me Playing Guitar Hero
Super Funny Wacky Time - A parody of random and weird shows that don't really follow any kind of substance or plot. My main inspiration was a Youtube series called "Roller Chester". Do a search and you'll see what I mean.
Super Funny Wacky Time 2 -This video FUCKIN' blew up, yo!!! Within 24 hours of it being posted it got like 2000 views! No exaggeration!! Then I found out why! Someone at Wonder Showzen put it on THEIR website/blog thingy!! WHOA!!
I plan on making some mini-movies and cool music videos that I thought of sometime in the future. Those entail going outside, so I'm waiting for the weather to get a bit nicer.

7. And finally (Thanks if you read this far, I know I gave you a shitload of links and words to read), I'm proud to announce that I'm declaring April "HORROR MOVIE MONTH" on the blog and the site. This means that all I'm gonna be watching are horror movies. Good, bad and everything in between. I'm not necessarialy gonna be reviewing EVERY movie I watch, but I'll give some mention on the blog, or do a Probe about it. If you have any suggestions on what you think I should check out, leave me a comment! Or if you don't wanna sign up to blogger to do that, leave me an email at: invasionofthebmovies at gmail dot com. I also plan on updating some horror movies I've already reviewed on my site starting with, naturally, April Fools Day on the 1st. I got loads planned, so please stay tuned here to catch all the updates!

Hmm, April Fool's Day is coming up. I better start plannin'.
-Jason

PS: I know usually October is the month most people do horror movies. But I like to be different. I like to think outside the box. And most of all, I hate being cliche. So maybe in October I'll do like comedies or war movies or something. That'll be fun!

New Mass Invasion: Battlefield Earth

This was a tough one for me and the Mass Invaders. People went crazy. People got sick. It's wasn't fun. But now it's over with. So please, please, PLEASE, do enjoy:


Battlefield Earth

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go collapse over there.
-Jason

New Review: Monster (2008)

Hey guys,
You know that movie "Cloverfield" that was out a month or so ago? Well, heres it's bastard brother:
Monster (2008)

Thanks!
-Jason

SNL Sketchs That Could Be Turned Into Movies

It's been awhile since there was a movie based on a SNL character/sketch. If I recall correctly, "The Ladies Man" with Tim Meadowes was the last one and that was back in 2001. Now, the reason why we probably haven't seen any new ones recently is because the general movie-going audience seemed to have spoken and said "ENOUGH!" so Lorne Michaels said "Eh, screw it. I make more money on the show anyway". Now if only the movie-going audience can do the same thing for movies like "Epic Movie" or "Meet The Spartans" or any given modern dance movie.

But if there were to be a new SNL movie based on a character(s) or sketch, which ones would it be? Well here are my picks, along with what the movie would be about if it got made. I would include a video but since NBC decide to be all Nazi-ish with their video clips and had them banned. So instead, I'll just link to a transcript of the sketch in questions (when available). Maybe some of these might not sound like good ideas, or even original at all. But if they can make a full feature length movie about two guys bobbing their heads to a Haddaway song, I think anything is possible.

These are in no particular order:

1. My Aunt Linda
The SNL Sketch: Usually shown during "Weekend Update", Amy Poheler brings out her aunt Linda (Kristen Wiig) to review movies currently in theaters. Aunt Linda don't seem to have good tastes when she complains about good Oscar-worthy movies like "The Queen"

The Transcript: http://snltranscripts.jt.org/06/06nupdate.phtml

The Movie Plot: Amy Poheler plays a movie critic for a newspaper and is well respected with her opinions, even though some may disagree (a female Roger Ebert if you will). One day Poheler's character gets sick or called away and she isn't able to do the movie reviews anymore. And her rival who wants her job is just itching to take over, so she has no choice but to ask her Aunt Linda, who has an extensive VHS, Beta, even Laserdisc, collection to take over and write reviews in her absense. She becomes an overnight sensation and she ends up being another rival.

I'm sure many people would point out that just cause a newspaper reporter, even a movie critic, can't write their article for awhile, they're not going to ask just anybody to fill in for them. When Roger Ebert was in the hospital all those months getting treatment, he didn't ask his Aunt to take over. But still, this is from the same group of people who made a movie about two public access hosts getting their show on network TV.


2. The Two A-Holes
The SNL Sketch: The situations often differ each sketch. Two "A-Holes" (Jason Sudeikis & Kristen Wiig) want to do various things but make it very frustrating for the person they're talking to.

The Transcript: http://snltranscripts.jt.org/05/05naholes.phtml

The Movie Plot: The Two A-Holes realize they're not married, so they decide to go to Vegas. They bring along their best man and maid of honor (maybe one another SNL member and the other just a celebrity like Alec Baldwin or Anne Hathaway) and along the way everyone gets frustrated with each other while planning the wedding.

Usually the road trip idea is pretty much "jump the shark: the movie version", but when it comes to these two, there really isn't anything else except have them in different cities, annoying folks along the way. I can forsee them parody a scene from the remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, talking to a Texan cop who doesn't even bother murdering them. Oh, and there might be some issue with the title. So they might have to go the route they went with "Night At The Roxbury" and give it a title that doesn't nessessarily reflect the characters. Maybe like "Aggrivating Road Trip" or "'Till Death, Babe".

3. Deep House Dish
The SNL Sketch: As seen on MTV4, a show about techo club music hosted by DJ Dynasty Handbag (Keenan Thompson) and his not-so-brigh sidekick T'Shane (Andy Samburg). The entire sketch comprises of different musical acts that pokes fun at techo club music, which is mainly just a word or phrase being repeated over and over again. Every time T'Shane makes some lame joke and DJ Dynasty Handbag insults him.

The Transcript: This is from when Rachael Dratch was on the show. She played DJ's sidekick. This was the only transcript of this sketch I could find. http://snltranscripts.jt.org/05/05jdeep.phtml

The Movie Plot: This could go a few ways honestly. It could be like an updated version of "Wayne's World", where the show goes on, then we see what the two hosts are up to the other days of the week when the show isn't on. Maybe to bring in a villain angle, have some anti-techo guy buy the station and threaten to shut down the show, or bring in two other techno music geeks who want to replace them. It could even go with DJ Dynasty Handbag sick of the music featured on the show so he decides to make his own album.

If it goes the updated "Wayne's World" route, people probably wouldn't take too kindly to that. And I dunno if a movie revolving around techno music, even fake goofy songs, would be a good idea. But the interaction between DJ and T'Shane are pretty hilarious if you ask me, so it should work into a movie.


4. The Terget Lady
The SNL Sketch: Yet again, Kristen Wiig plays the character, of a lady who works at Target, but pronounces it "Terget" and loves to interact with every customer she comes in contact with. Downside is, she runs off in the middle of the transaction to buy an item she sees.

The Transcript: http://snltranscripts.jt.org/05/05gtarget.phtml

The Movie Plot: If Target has a problem with the movie using their store and store name, just make it about the lady who works in a made up store and have it be a story about trying to gain acceptance at work and we see her life outside of work. Or maybe the entire movie is about the store being robbed, kinda like a comedic version of "Dog Day Afternoon" or "Inside Man".

Honestly, out of all of these so far, this one seems more probable. It's not like SNL movies were always THAT original.

5. Nuni
The SNL Sketch: A family of weird foreigners who have a style all of their own. They often invite regular people to their place and are instantly uncomfortable. Then confusion is had when both Fred Armisen & Mya Rudolph's characters have the same name, although they claim each name is pronounced differently.

The Transcript: http://snltranscripts.jt.org/04/04iartsy.phtml

The Movie Plot: The Nuni's move into a new apartment building and run into all sorts of problems with the neighbors, who instantly don't like them. Maybe eventually it'll turn out the neighbors aren't that normal themselves and it'll be ironic. Like one could be some dude who pretends to be a woman in an internet sex chat room or something, and he's making a big deal about some foreigners that like to sit on hair.

6. Weekend Update
Ok, bear with me on this one and hear me out.
The Movie Plot: Weekend Update is a little low-to-no budget "news" show that aired Sunday night/morning at like 2 AM. They only report on weird occurances in the news. Think "News of the Weird" if they had a TV show. Due to ratings slipping, they need to do something different and report on ACTUAL news. So they set up to cover a Presidental election that's coming up. But of course no one takes them seriously, so they have to fight for recognition and respect.

If people think of this has a combination of "Anchorman" and "UHF", it just might work. And it depends on who they get to be the news anchors. They could go with Amy Poheler and Seth Meyers, and make it a point to say the show has been on for "years" with different anchors.

I'm sure there are more reoccuring sketches/characters that I'm forgetting that could be turned into a movie. If you think of anything, feel free to leave a comment. For a list of everything that spun off from SNL, check it out here.
-Jason

Razzie Weekend Review #2: Norbit

You guys must hate me. Ok no. You wanted to throw me a challenge and a challenge you gave me.

Norbit

If you did the LAMB Oscar Poll/Pool Thingy and forgot what you picked, or wanna see what other people picked, Fletch from Blog Cabins & Headmaster of the LAMB posted a link to everyone's picks. The Oscar's start in 55 minutes (as of this email writing) so good luck to everyone in the pool:
Oscar Pool Picks

Enjoy!
-Jason

Razzie Weekend Review #1: I Know Who Killed Me

Part 1 of 2 of my Razzie Weekend Review. I hope you like the colors blue and red cause you're gonna get a lot of both from this movie:
I Know Who Killed Me

Enjoy!
-Jason

The Razzie Winners!

Today is indeed a magical day for bad cinema everywhere. The Razzies "winners" have been announced. Honestly, I'm a bit dissapointed. The Razzies this year kinda sucked only cause they seemed to pick on the same two movies and that's honestly not a lot of fun. Give us some varity, Razzies!!

Below are the winners, and my picks if they differ.

WORST PICTURE
Winner: I Know Who Killed Me
My Pick: Norbit
I thought FOR SURE Norbit was gonna go with the top prize.

WORST ACTOR
My Pick & Winner: Eddie Murphy (as Norbit)

WORST ACTRESS
Winner ("tie"): Lindsay Lohan (as Aubrey) and Lindsay Lohan (as Dakota)(I Know Who Killed Me)
My Pick: Logan Browning, Janel Parrish, Nathalia Ramos & Skyler Shaye
(A Four-for-One Deal!) BRATZ
I haven't watched I Know Who Killed Me yet, but is she really THAT bad? I mean I've seen Bratz already and there's no way in hell Lindsay is MORE annoying then them four.

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
My Pick: Carmen Electra (EPIC MOVIE)
Winner: Eddie Murphy (as Rasputia) (NORBIT)
This is really just stupid. Underneath the woman outfit is a guy, so giving a guy WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS is really just a waste if you ask me. As for my pick, I just picked her, and that movie, by default.

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR
My pick & Winner: Eddie Murphy (as Mr. Wong) (NORBIT)
This must be some new record for having the same person win both worst supporting actor AND actress. I think the dudes at The Razzies were trying to shake things up a bit.

WORST SCREEN COUPLE
My Pick: Jessica Alba & Ioan Gruffudd (FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER)
Winner: Lindsay Lohan & Lindsay Lohan (as The Yang to Her Own Yin) (I KNOW WHO KILLED ME)
I can't say much about this until I see "IKWKM" (Like the lingo?)

WORST REMAKE OR RIP-OFF
My Pick: Who's Your Caddy (Rip-Off of Caddy Shack)
Winner: I Know Who Killed Me (Rip-Off of HOSTEL, SAW and THE PATTY DUKE SHOW)
Now I really can't wait to see this Goddamn movie.

WORST PREQUEL OR SEQUEL
My Pick & Winner: Daddy Day Camp
Whatta ya know? Now if there's ever a sequel to either Norbit (God forbid) or IKWKM, then rest assured that it's gonna win next year.

WORST DIRECTOR
My Pick: Brian Robbins (NORBIT)
Winner: Chris Siverston (I KNOW WHO KILLED ME)

WORST SCREENPLAY
My Pick: Norbit Screenplay by Eddie Murphy & Charles Murphy and Jay Sherick & David Ronn
Winner: I Know Who Killed Me Written by Jeffrey Hammond
I rather that a large group of people "win" this award then just one guy cause it just tells me that no matter how many people you get to work on a script, it's still gonna be awful. Whereas one dude is still just one dude. I imagine if some sweaty coked-up Hollywood producer came up to me and was like "write some drama/thriller shit that can star Lindsey Lohan, and find a reason to have her abused and then later strip (or so I'm told happens in the movie) and have it for my by next week!" I wouldn't write a masterpiece either on my own.

WORST EXCUSE FOR A HORROR MOVIE
My Pick & Winner: I Know Who Killed Me

So there you have it. It appears my friend Adam was right, The Razzies like to pick on one or two movies and just have them win every damn thing it's nominated for. And it's funny that the two big "winners" are the two that "won" my poll. It's like, you guys actually know something that I don't. And to think that people say my fan's aren't smar...um...nothing!

Anyway!! Stay tuned today and tomorrow for reviews of "IKWKM" and "Norbit". Should be exciting. For you anyway.
-Jason

The Offical Razzie Announcement
My Predictions
I got 3 out of 11 right. I suck.

Trailer Thursday! (Times 2!)

So the Razzie poll is now offically over with. And the winner(s) (or in this case the loser(s)) are:
I Know Who Killed Me & Norbit!

Here's how the votes went down:
Worst Horror Movie
Aliens vs Predator: Requiem-3
Captivity-1
Hannibal Rising-1
Hostel Part 2-0
I Know Who Killed Me-10


Worst Picture
Daddy Day Care-4
Norbit-5
Delta Farce-1
Epic Movie-1
Code Name: The Cleaner-1

So for this Trailer Thursday (Times 2) here are the trailers for
I Know Who Killed Me:


And Norbit:


I'm in for a LOOOOONG! weekend.
-Jason

Daniel-Day Lewis: Not Lactose Intolerant

It's been bought to my attention that there's a rather different scene in the movie "There Will Be Blood". From what I THOUGHT the movie was about, this scene really, really stands out:



Oddly enough, this phrase has caught on. So much so that Brandon Hardesty, the guy on Youtube that does movie reinactments, went on Jimmy Kimmel Live! and did his own reinactment of that scene above. I think he did a great job:



One final thing. I wasn't going to see the movie cause it doesn't look like something I'd enjoy, but that scene has me thinking twice. However, I did notice that the video I posted above said "Spoiler Warning" and I tried to show it to a friend, who didn't wanna see the video cause she said she's gonna see the movie this weekend and didn't want nothing spoiled. But for the life of me I can't see anything in that video that would spoil the entire movie. Maybe I'm missing something? If you've seen the movie and wanna shed some light on this for me, drop me a line.
-Jason

New Probe: Step Up

I re-imaged the entire Probes page, and I'm slowly updating the probes. Check that out:
New Probes Page

And there's a new probe, where I check out this Step Up movie:
Step Up

Enjoy!
-Jason

Trailer Thursdays!

Speaking of "Waiting..."



Enjoy!
-Jason

Movies I Like #1: Waiting

I spend a fair amount of time bashing and complaining about bad movies and/or movies that I hate. It's funny and people like it, haha. But for every movie that I hate or think is bad, there is one that I love and think is good. I figured, at least once in awhile, I'll spotlight a movie that I think is good and that I love.

My first pick:


Waiting...(Yes there's elicpses after the title. I'm not sure why.)

This movie is pretty near and dear to my heart because it shows what it's like to work in the food industry and what waiters and waitresses put up with when people go into restaurants and start treating the waitstaff like shit. Granted, I work in a fast food restaurant, but Clerks 2 was two years away, so this had to fill the void.

Waiting...shows us the day in the life of the waitstaff at a restaurant called Shenanaginz!, which is pretty much just a fictionalized Bennigins, with a little T.G.I Friday mixed in. We focus on Dean, played by Justin Long, as he tries to cope with growing up and finding out his best friend from high school just got his Masters degree and got a high paying job, while he's stuck being a waiter.

There's also Monty, played by Ryan Reynolds, who is the pervy smart ass of the bunch and wants nothing more then to stick it to the barely legal hostess Natashia. David Koechner plays Daniel, the manager who lets the power go to his head and is more or less an asshole. And Anna Faris (from the Scary Movie series) plays a waitress that likes to show off her tits to get a tip and has a history with Monty, which is one of the highlights of this movie as seen here:


There are ten thousand other stories in the movie, like the guy who can't pee in public bathrooms and the one waitress that's been working WAAAAY too long. But I would be admiss if I didn't mention "The Game".

The Game is played by all the guys in the restaurant and they find clever and odd ways to show each other their "junk" and if they catch someone by surprise, they get to kick them in the ass while calling them "fag". Yeah, it's stupid and don't make sense but that's the point.

My favorite bit though, is when the bitchiest customer in the world walks in and just almost immedately starts belitting everyone that comes to her table. Then she rattles off a list of demands and finds every little thing wrong with her meal. The entire waitstaff has had enough of her, so they decide to do something special to her food, as show here:


As its stated in the movie: Never FUCK with the people that handle your food. As a fast food worker, I couldn't agree more. Not that I've ever done anything to someone's food...that I'm willing to admit.

ANYWAY! If you haven't seen "Waiting..." yet, you totally should. And when you do, watch the entire ending credits, cause the movie more or less keeps on going till the very very end, which includes this:


-Jason

The LAMB Oscar Poll

Fletch at Blog Cabins and the head honcho over at the LAMB is running an Oscar Pool/Poll type thingy and he's opened it up for anyone, even non-LAMB's! So if you wanna check it out go here:
http://www.misterpoll.com/polls/324566
The winner gets a DVD of their choice from Amazon (no more then 19.99 not including shipping), so get on wit yo bad self!

In other news, there won't be a review today cause I'm going with my friend Bill to see RAMBO!

That was easily the most macho thing I ever said. I'm going to see a guy movie with a guy. And afterwards I'm gonna lift weights and shoot a gun in the air while yelling "AAAAAHHHHH!!!!"

And a reminder, you have until THURSDAY to throw in your bid to participate in the next Mass Invasion, Battlefield Earth. This is kind of a long movie so the more people the better. Offically I have:
Me (NAAAW? REALLY???)
Adam
Rachael
April
Maria
Felicia.

If your name is not on that list, send me an email (js at invasionofthebmovies dot com) and join in on the fun! It's Battlefield Earth, what's the worst that could happen?
-Jason

AND The Next Mass Invasion Is...

So a few people were interested. Let's see how long that interests holds.

The next Mass Invasion is...

BATTLEFIELD EARTH!!

Yes, THAT Battlefield Earth. The John Travolta movie about scientology or something...yeah.

Ok, now for realz, who in? Send me your emails by next Thursday to OFFICALLY declare yourself in.

Thanks!
-Jason

Too Soon?

Hey all,

So I was sitting here minding my own business when I was brutally attacked by an idea. I was like "NO!!AHH POLICE!!!" but the idea just had it's way with me.

Long story short...the idea was to do another Mass Invasion. I know we just had one in December, but I think the movie the idea brutalized me with is pretty good and kinda topical considering some current events going on (at least on the intarwebz). I'm a little hesitant to even say which movie it is cause it'll probably scare everyone off, so let's take it one step at a time.

Would you all be up for another Mass Invasion?

Movie to be announced when I get enough answers.
Thanks.
-Jason

To Giants Fans

You're welcome.

See, I'm NEVER right about anything. Ever. So if I say something is a for sure thing, it's never gonna happen. So me saying that New England was gonna win means they won't.

Anyway, congratulations New York.
-Jason

New Review: Killers From Space

When you get done watching the super bowl, check out my review of "Killers From Space":

Killers From Space

Speaking of, I don't follow football at all and I know squat about either team, but even I can see that the Patroits are gonna win. Just sayin'.
-Jason

Trailer Thursday!

Since we're on the subject of Michael Bay, here is the trailer for "Armageddon", which features many of the things I talked about: stupid humor, explosions for no reason (really a space shuttle IN SPACE explodes), and overblown drama.



Enjoy!
-Jason

Why Michael Bay Is The Anti-Christ

If there's ever one question I get asked all time, it's "Why don't you like Michael Bay and/or his movies?" Frankly, I figured his movies speak for themselves but I guess there are actual fans of his movies (which is cool if you are) and they want an actual answer.

So I'll attempt to give you some answers.

First, his directing skills is kinda lacking. 90% of scenes in his movie involves a camera jiggling around so damn fast it looks like he hired a monkey high on cocaine and pixie sticks to film these scenes. Honestly, it gives me a headache.

Then there's the fact that, according to Bay, EVERYTHING explodes. No matter what it is, it will erupt in a big fiery flame that can be seen in space. You could stub your toe and suddenly your house will explode, along with your car, block, and even city. I get that he makes "action" films and there's suppose to be explosions, but other action films can make it look not so silly. Like in "Die Hard" Bruce Willis throws a bunch of C-4 and a computer down an elevator shaft and it explodes. If Michael Bay directed Die Hard, all of L.A would've blown up after that scene.


And when there aren't scenes of blowing shit up, there are the parts where people talk and interact with each other. I suspect Michael hates these kinds of scenes, which is why they always suck. He just wanna get to the 'splosions. As a result, we get weird dialouge and exchanges. But then again, he doesn't write the movies, just films the stuff, so I can't put the blame on him for this. The best example I can think of is the stupid awful scene in Armageddon (or as we say "which one? HA!") where Ben Affleck has some animal crackers on Liv Tyler's tummy. Haven't seen it? Well aren't you in luck?



I probably could just stop there, but that'd be too easy.

Another strike against Bay is he for some strange reason, despite being an "action" director, he's AGAINST VIOLENCE in movies. You're probably thinking "Wait, people died in a bunch of his movies" and you're right. But did you SEE them die (we're not including the fireball scenes cause it's only common sense)? What I'm talking about is showing a guy get stabbed or shot or just crushed to death. A good example here is the stupid pointless remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Granted, the original didn't show anyone getting chopped into bits with a chainsaw, but we did see a lot of other violent stuff. In the remake? Nothing. Happens off-camera or it's too damn dark to see anything. Plus the majority of the scenes were just Jessica Biel running around hiding from Leatherface. I would provide an example but the only videos on Youtube are "fan made" videos with annoying music played over them. Just take my word for it.

And then there's his "sense of humor". I'm gonna go more into detail about this in my "Transformers" Probe, but I swear to God he had the Transformers doing some sort of slapstick in a long drawn out scene. I'm not a Transformers fan as I mentioned before, but if I was and I saw Optimus Prime act like Moe from "The Three Stooges", I would probably kill myself. (NOTE TO TRANSFORMERS FANS READING THIS: Don't kill yourself.) Another example is the scene in Armageddon where Bruce Willis is chasing Ben Affleck all over a ship cause Ben was sleeping with Liv Tyler. Hi-larious.

And I saved this for last cause I don't want feminist start sending hate mail about how this is my MAIN reason for not liking Bay. No, this is just one of the many reasons. But it is a big chunk of my reasons, so here we go.

You may remember a movie called "The Island", which is another story unto itself. Short version: the writers ripped it off from a 1970's movie called Parts: The Clonus Horror which is about a clone finding out he's a clone and there's a non-clone version of himself out there. This isn't a remake or a retelling cause no-one involved in "The Island" contacted the people from "Parts" and told them/got permission/bought rights, etc. The "Parts" people sued and the whole issue was resolved out of court. I didn't wanna come out and say Bay's a thief cause I'm sure that really isn't the case. But trying to rip people off is pretty horrible.

Anyway, you know that Scarlett Johannson co-starred in "The Island" with Ewan MacGregor. There's a scene in the movie where Scarlett's character and Ewan's character have sex, which was filmed so artsy, with the camera passing by weird crystal things and whatnot, I thought I accidently put in a David Lynch movie. Except Lynch shows sex and nudity. Bay?

Well, during the scene Scarlet totally AGREED to be 100% topless during the scene, meaning we'd get to see some boobies in an otherwise mediocre movie. Michael Bay said no.

Again. THIS GUY:


Told THIS GIRL:



She CANNOT get topless. And as a result, THIS was the big "sex scene" with Scarlett Johansson:


As you can see, she's wearing a bra the entire time. So what the fuck is Bay's problem? Not only is he against violence, he's against nudity. But this is because he wanted his movie to be rated PG-13 so teenagers will come to see his movies. Cause you know, teenagers are totally into movies about cloning and the moral dilemmas it raises. That's all they talk about. Personally, I find it insulting that Bay is pandering to people. I believe if you're a film maker, you should be able to make whatever you want and stick by it. Maybe Bay, at first, told Scarlett "FUCK YEAH! Take that top off!" but then someone reminded him that PG-13=$$$ and he said "maybe later in my trailer", in which case I hope Scarlett stomped on his nads.

So that about sums it up for me. Pretty much his movies are medicore "action" films where potato chip bags explode for no reason, with no violence that don't involve explosions, have crappy humor, and don't feature nudity, at least female nudity.

Even his movie titles explode for no reason.

Finally, I did wanna mention something shocking that I found out. Not only did he prior to making movies he directed some very well known music videos, including "I Touch Myself" by The Divinyls. How ironic, you say? Well, your Irony-meter is gonna explode in a minute.

Among his credits is a little something called "Playboy Video Centerfold: Kerri Kendall". So he directed porn. Ok, ok. I guess a Playboy video isn't really porn. But still pretty shocking none-the-less. Although, I have to wonder if maybe this isn't a joke of some kind. The only place I see his name listed as a director to this is on IMDB and they're not always right when it comes to information. Pretty helpful, but not always right. So come to your own conclusions about that.

That's it, those are my reasons for not liking any of his movies. If you just happen to like Bay and his movies, please don't be offended or think I was slamming you in anyway. I'm merely just stating my opinion, which I am not alone on. In any event, thanks for reading and-OW! I hit my hand on my keyboar-

-Jason

My Oscar Write Up Thingy

Hey guys,

Check out the little Oscar write up thingy (My name for it) over at the LAMB. Here's the direct link to my article:

Be sure to leave a comment, saying it's the best post ever! There seems to be some doubt among some people, so set them straight!

Special thanks to Fletch of Blog Cabins and the fearless leader of the LAMB for coming up with this idea and posting my thing. Be sure to check out the rest in the upcoming week or so.

And a Transformers Probe will be on the way.
-Jason

No Review Today

Hey folks,
There won't be a review today. I been sick with a cold all weekend and I'm too medicated to be funny and watch a bad movie. I did wanna alert you to a few things though.

Since I'm part of this elite group called "The LAMB's", the leader has asked us to write a thing for the upcoming Oscar's ceremony. He assigned us different categories and we have to write about them. I was given "Best Visual Effects". So I wrote up my thing and sent it to him. I fear it's not that good, cause I didn't know what to write and I wrote it right after watching one of the nominee's "Transformers", which pretty much sucked my brain out and crapped all over it. Any event, I'll let you know when it's posted and look out for a Transformers Probe soon.

And my Razzie poll is still up so if you haven't voted, you still have a chance. You can read about the nominees here:
Or to just see the poll themselves, I posted them on the front page of the site

Thanks for reading!
-Jason

Trailer Thursdays!

You ever see a trailer for a movie and you have to wonder if maybe the entire thing is a joke? Like maybe it's not really a movie, just some SNL or MAD TV sketch that got loose? Or it was just a prank some film students did on their free time? I kinda feel that way about this movie, that's seriously called:

"The Hottie & The Nottie".

That is possibly the stupidest thing I ever seen. For something even more stupider...est, here's the trailer:



I wonder if by the end the "nottie" turns into a hottie? And why Paris Hilton? Was Jessica Alba busy? Or Scarlett Johannson?
-Jason

Step Up 2 The Streets Video Follow-Up

For those of you new to my blog, sometime in August, I stumbled upon a Myspace profile for the movie "Step Up 2 The Streets". I remember when Step Up 1 was in theaters. In case you're not familiar, it's the one movie with the dude who does community service by being a janitor for a dance school and he teams up with a hot chick in the school to do a dance thing and there's drama and stupid humor and whatnot. If you're still confused here's the trailer.

So as you can see, we desperately needed a sequel. I mean, the world was just begging for one.

Anyway, since I'm naturally drawn to stupid movies for some reason, I checked out this profile. And without getting into the whole thing again, I wrote a thing about stupid movies having Myspace Profiles before. So again I wanted to do the same thing. I friended the community and was about to leave a bad comment when I noticed that Myspace and the movie producers was holding a contest. A DANCE CONTEST!

A bell went off in my head. I should have that checked.

I read the rules and they were simple. Just make a video of yourself dancing to this song that they provide and upload it to Myspace. I just couldn't resist. Here is the video I made (I apologize for what you're about to see):



After making it, I submitted it, the contest came and went and surprise surprise I wasn't anywhere near the top ten. Oh well.

But then a bunch of interesting stuff happened. First, I recieved an email from some chick at Disney. She asked for the original video file of my dance video. I said why not and sent it to her. So some part of me is wondering if maybe my video is gonna make it into the movie still, cause the ending credits of the first movie (Oh yes I watched it) featured rejected videos of people. I'm still unsure cause I haven't heard anything since I sent it.

Then I uploaded the video onto Youtube just so I can show people the funny dance video I made. My friends thought it was funny and it was something they'd expect out of me.

But then a scary thing happened. People took me SERIOUSLY! Watch that video again. People took THAT seriously!! As of today's date, that video has gotten 11,385 views, a rating of 3 stars from 20 people, it's been favorited 10 times, and I have 29 comments, which I'm about to share some.

Here are the comments that took me seriously. The spelling errors are theirs:

"I see that you work hard on your dance moves.That's good 4 u.:)"
"omg, you're amazing!! i hope you win :]"
"I think you're gonna win"
"omg! u go jason!"
"big guy dancin to cassie...good 4 u!!"
"woooooo!!!"
"Gj with the entry Jason, as u gotta respect everyones style."

Then there are people who did get the joke:
"i am a dancer to guys but this shit is funny"
"dang..this is funiii....i need to give sum lessons lol"
"hahahahahahaahaaaahahahahaha great!! u are so funny i hope u get chousen :P lol"
"Sometimes I start to have faith in humanity, but then I read comments for videos like these where people actually think this guy is serious."

And then there are the assholes who just act like assholes for the sake of being an asshole. I won't repost those.

I have no reason reason to make this post, I just wanted to share. I'm gonna be doing a Probe of Step Up (Egads I gotta watch that AGAIN?) in time for Step Up 2: Electric Boogaloo, which is coming out on February 14th which is...a Thursday? Wow. This movie is so GOD DAMN unique that it doesn't follow traditions! Sorry, my fiancee, no valentines for you. I'm gonna be camped out!
-Jason

Mr. Heath Ledger

So I come home today and I'm just randomly looking at my friends list on Livejournal when I saw that MST3K: The Movie is finally getting a real DVD release. I'm like "yay!" and I read some comments about this. One person then said "I'm happy about this, but I'm still shocked to hear about Heath Ledger's death."

I was like "Huh?"

So I check my number one source of all actors/actresses/entertainers deaths: Yahoo News. And sure enough, there it was.

This bummed me out. Only cause he was so, so young. And, much like everyone in the universe, I was looking forward to this role as The Joker in "The Dark Knight". Watching the trailer just made me ten thousand times more excited about this movie.

But that was about it. I wasn't like a hardcore fan. I knew who he was and looking at his credits on imdb I knew a lot of his movies. And I knew that he was the guy from the old Fox show "Roar". That's how geeky I am, yo.

I feel kinda bad about this cause the only movie I did see that he was in was "Monster's Ball". That's right, I never saw "Brokeback Mountain", or "Knight's Tale", or "Ten Things I Hate About You". Not even "Cassanova", "Brother's Grimm", or "Lords of Dogtown". Just "Monster's Ball".

But he was very popular and I haven't heard anyone say a bad thing about him, so I'm going to assume that he was a good actor. He did have great success and I am very sorry to see him go at such a young age. I'm hoping the death was accidental and not suicidal. That would just suck.

So not knowing how else to end this little entry, here is the review I did of "Monster's Ball" all the way back in November 2003. I apologize for the writing style, I was still learning how to write reviews.

My Monster's Ball Review
-Jason

The Razzies Are Here!

Ladies and Gentlemen. It is that time. We honor the worst that Hollywood has offered in 2007. Everybody in the bad movie world was buzzing about what SHOULD be nominated. Some say Epic Movie should win Worst Picture. And some say it's Joel Schumacher time to win Worst Director. Sadly, none of these will happen.

I was going to stay up last night to see them freshly announced but since B-Fest kicked my ass this weekend I said "screw it". As usual, I will put my predictions in Italics and give a brief (HA! Like I do anything "brief") reason as to why or my thoughts about the matter. So without further ado, The Nominees Are!

WORST ACTOR
Nicolas Cage
GHOST RIDER, NATIONAL TREASURE: BOOK OF SECRETS and NEXT

Jim Carrey
THE NUMBER 23

Cuba Gooding, Jr.
DADDY DAY CAMP and NORBIT

Eddie Murphy (as Norbit)
Norbit

Adam Sandler
I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK & LARRY
This is probably a given. There has never been a movie that I personally found offensive then Norbit, and I'm far from being easily offended. And plus the fact that this came out around the same time as Dreamgirls, where Eddie was given an Oscar nod should secure his chances of winning this.

WORST ACTRESS
Jessica Alba
AWAKE, FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER and GOOD LUCK CHUCK

Logan Browning, Janel Parrish, Nathalia Ramos & Skyler Shaye
(A Four-for-One Deal!)
BRATZ

Elisha Cuthbert
CAPTIVITY

Diane Keaton
BECAUSE I SAID SO

Lindsay Lohan (as Aubrey)
I KNOW WHO KILLED ME

Lindsay Lohan (as Dakota)
I KNOW WHO KILLED ME
Man, Jessica Alba is getting slammed. And not in a good way. By me. (Hi Felicia!) Anyway, I have to give it up to the Bratz girls cause...well. Eh, I won't ruin it yet.

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Orlando Bloom
PIRATES OF THE CAROB-BEAN: AT WIT'S END

Kevin James
I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK & LARRY

Eddie Murphy (as Mr. Wong)
NORBIT

Rob Schneider
I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK & LARRY

Jon Voight
BRATZ, NATIONAL TREASURE 2, SEPTEMBER DAWN and TRANSFORMERS
Man, Jon Voight is getting slammed. And not in a good way. By me? (Ew. Hi again Felicia.) Anyway, as awful as Jon Voight was in Bratz, I still have to stick with what I said earlier and say it's Eddie's year. Hopefully this will teach him a lesson and he'll either stick to drama's or at least GOOD comedy. Beverly Hills Cop? 48 Hours? Come on, Eddie!

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Jessica Biel
I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK & LARRY and NEXT

Carmen Electra
EPIC MOVIE

Eddie Murphy (as Rasputia)
NORBIT

Julia Ormond
I KNOW WHO KILLED ME

Nicolette Sheridan
CODE NAME: THE CLEANER
But again, putting Eddie Murphy in a category for actresses is a bit unfair. Sure he was playing a woman but he's still a MALE playing a female. It really don't make sense. So I'm just gonna go with Carmen Electra cause I'm not sure what it is exactly she does, but I know she's not an actress. And plus Epic Movie SHOULD win something.

WORST SCREEN COUPLE
Jessica Alba & EITHER Hayden Christensen
(AWAKE)
OR
Dane Cook
(GOOD LUCK CHUCK)
OR Ioan Gruffudd
(FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER)

Any Combination of Two
Totally Air-Headed Characters
BRATZ

Lindsay Lohan & Lindsay Lohan
(as The Yang to Her Own Yin)
I KNOW WHO KILLED ME

Eddie Murphy (as Norbit) & EITHER Eddie Murphy (as Mr. Wong)OR Eddie Murphy (as Rasputia)
NORBIT

Adam Sandler & EITHER Kevin James OR Jessica Biel
I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK & LARRY
This category gave me a headache. There's so much going on and so many fuckin' people being nominated at the same time. So what I THINK is going on is Jessica Alba (who is being slammed AGAIN, she must be getting sore by now) is either gonna win for teaming up with Young Anakin, Dane Cook, or That Dude With The Weird Name. So I'm gonna go with her and Weird Name Guy cause just looking at the trailers for The Fantastic Four (The original AND the sequel) makes me wanna punch something.

WORST REMAKE OR RIP-OFF
Are We Done Yet?
(Remake/Rip-Off of MR. BLANDINGS Builds his Dream House)

Bratz
(A Rip-Off If Ever There Was One!)

Epic Movie
(Rip-Off of Every Movie it Rips Off)

I Know Who Killed Me
(Rip-Off of HOSTEL, SAW and THE PATTY DUKE SHOW)

Who's Your Caddy
(Rip-Off of Caddy Shack)
I didn't know which one to pick. As awful as Epic Movie is, it is a spoof movie, so it's suppose to rip-off different movies at the same time. And I'm gonna be honest here, I dunno what Bratz is suppose to be ripping off. Unless they mean, like, seeing the movie is a rip-off cause it sucks? But that don't make sense. Maybe I just don't understand it. If someone wants to explain it to me, let me know. In the meantime, I'm sticking with Who's Your Caddy cause this was offensive to black people and I'm not even black.

WORST PREQUEL OR SEQUEL
Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem

Daddy Day Camp

Evan Almighty

Hannibal Rising

Hostel: Part II
Ok, why isn't Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer mentioned here? This whole thing is starting to sound shaky to me. And didn't AVP: Requiem JUST come out like...three weeks ago? Oh well, I'm going with the one that SHOULDN'T have even existed to begin with.

WORST DIRECTOR
Dennis Dugan
I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK & LARRY

Roland Joffe
CAPTIVITY

Brian Robbins
NORBIT

Fred Savage
DADDY DAY CAMP

Chris Siverston
I KNOW WHO KILLED ME
Ok I'm gonna mention this now. What's with all the hate for "I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry"? Are the folks at the Razzies homophobes or something? I'm telling you all this now. If next years group of nominations don't make sense, then I'm giving up on this whole thing and fuckin' doing my own. So to all of you reading this, start paying attention cause I'm gonna call on you to pick your own worst of 2008! Anyway, this is my choice just to keep picking on "Norbit".

WORST SCREENPLAY
Daddy Day Camp
Screenplay by Geoff Rodkey and David J. Stem & David N. Weiss

Epic Movie
Written by Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer

I Know Who Killed Me
Written by Jeffrey Hammond

I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry
Screenplay by Barry Fanaro and Alexander Payne & Jim Taylor

Norbit
Screenplay by Eddie Murphy & Charles Murphy
and
Jay Sherick & David Ronn
So...wait a minute? Eddie teamed up with his brother to write this horrible movie, but they needed help so they dragged in two other guys? Yeah...that sounds about right.

Ok now, I saved these two for last because this is where YOU, my friend the reader, come in. Every year I just announce the list of Razzies, then the winners and that's it. This time, which is why I'm even bothering with all of this to begin with, I'm gonna do something different. I'm actually gonna watch, and review, two of these movies, one from each category, and YOU!!!!!!! get to pick which ones!!

First, the nominees & my picks.


WORST PICTURE
Bratz

Daddy Day Camp

I Know Who Killed Me

I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry

Norbit

WORST EXCUSE FOR A HORROR MOVIE
Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem

Captivity

Hannibal Rising

Hostel: Part II

I Know Who Killed Me

I chose these cause horror movies is my thing (well I don't really have a "thing" but if I did, it'd be horror movies) and Worst Picture cause, well, it don't get any worst then this. At least that's what I thought before I saw the nominations.

First, I was gonna save this for a surprise for when the time came, but since it got picked for Worst Picture I'm gonna have to just announce it now. Somewhere down the line, I was gonna do a review of "Bratz" anyway. I got that movie for my 11-year-old sister for Christmas and I ended up watching it with her and Dear-FUCKING-Lord is it awful. So I'm gonna take it off the list, cause why pick a movie that I'm gonna review ANYWAY and not have a special Razzie review or whatever? So that's gone.

Also, looking at the list, I really don't agree with some of it. I mean is "Chuck & Larry" really THAT bad? Is it really WORST than Norbit? So, since I probably might end up liking it, or think it's not THAT bad, I'm gonna remove it from the poll also.

AND (I know! I know! Don't kill me!) since "I Know Who Killed Me" was nominated in both Worst Picture AND Worst Horror Movie, I'm gonna take THAT off the list and keep it in the Horror Movie category. Why should you guys pick the same movie in two categories? Get what I'm saying? I hope so, I'm still tired from B-Fest.

So that leaves only "Norbit" and "Daddy Day Camp". I know, that leaves only two. What I'm gonna do is, throw in three movies that I THINK shoulda got picked for Worst Picture, since the damn Razzie people fucked up. Those three movies are:
Delta Farce (This one somehow got away from the Razzies. I dunno how.)
Epic Movie (What am I doing to myself?)
Code Name: The Cleaner (I was kinda struggling to pick a third and I figured, what the hell?)

Oh and I probably never mentioned this but you CAN vote for the same thing as many times as you want. So if you really want me to suffer through Norbit and see that it's losing, vote for it again. I won't know, or even care. In my last poll, I saw that there were only 11 votes total. And I find that depressing. I don't wanna turn emo. I'm sure I look horrible in eyeliner. Although I already do wear a lot of black...

Anyway, time to vote! I'm gonna keep the poll on a seperate page since it looked all awkward here on Blogger. If it doesn't work or wanna work, let me know and I'll do something about it.

Worst Picture Poll

Worst Horror Movie Poll

Finally, you're probably wondering why I don't just, like, review ALL the movies. For a few reasons.
1. Albert at The Agony Booth is doing ALL the movies, and I don't wanna rip his idea off. Yeah, I'm SORT OF ripping it off, but at least I'm only doing two categories and one movie from each of those, AND making up my own nominees to boot. How's THAT for originality?
2. I really don't have that much free time, honestly. I work 5 days a week and when I get home I'm tired and believe it or not, somedays I don't feel like watching a movie. Plus I got a few other things going on at the same time, which will be revealed in the weeks to come. Yay or something.

The winners won't be announced until Saturday, February 23rd, in the morning. So I'll end my poll either that Thursday night or Friday morning. I'll announce which two won and will be spending that weekend reviewing them.

Thanks for reading ALL of this. Sorry it was so long.





(That's what she said.)
-Jason

B-Fest 08 Report

Instead of just typing it up, I decided to talk about this year's B-Fest in another episode of the Movie Show.



It's kinda long so save it for when you have a half hour to kill.

Also, tomorrow the Razzies will be announced, so look out for a post about the nominees AND a special announcement about what I'm gonna be doing for the Razzies this year tomorrow.
-Jason

Special Edition of Trailer Thursday!

Why is it special you ask?

Because tomorrow evening I will be going to...

B-Fest!!!!

WOO!!!!! In case you don't know what that is, B-Fest is an annual fest in (I think) Evanston, IL, at some college where they play nothing but B-Movies for 24 hours straight. It's a long grueling experience but it is also tons of fun. So for this Trailer Thursday I'm gonna post the trailers for the movies listed on the line up page! Just click on the word to view the trailer. Here we go:

1. Tentacles

2. Barbarella

3. Plan 9 From Outer Space

4. Black Samson

5. Zardoz

6. The Mummy's Hand

7. The Undying Monster

8. Xanadu

9. The Creature Walks Among Us

10. Empire of the Ants

11. Godzilla vs MechaGodzilla

I couldn't find trailers for "Dracula's Daughter", "The Magic Sword", and "The Blue Bird". There are also gonna be shorts but those aren't known until we get there.

So hopefully I'll see you guys Sunday, with a full report of everything! And to check out the first one I went to back in 2004 read here
-Jason

New Review: Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

You guys were right to vote for this one.

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

Enjoy!
-Jason

It's Trailer Thursday!!!!!!!!!!!

AND my 100th post on this blog! WOOT!

So, Uwe Boll.

That's all I gotta say.

Ok no. I hate his movies. I can't say I hate him cause I don't know him personally, but I can say I hate his movies cause I've suffered through two of them. (Alone in the Dark and House of the Dead). This Friday, he has another movie coming out called "In The Name of the King" and this time he's dragging a Jason S. through the mud. That Jason S. is Statham. I'm sure there are other people he's dragging through the mud but the trailers I've seen only feature Jason Statham.

But before you think I'm just gonna post a trailer to In The Name of the King, let me stop you. Because I'm not.

Instead, I'm gonna post not one, not five, but THREE! trailers for a Uwe Boll movie that I actually wanna see! I KNOW! He did the impossible, he made a movie that people might actually wanna see, including me, the biggest movie cynic (Now THAT's a great name for a site. I should go back in time and change the site to that name) that ever lived.

So here I present to you three trailers for:

POSTAL







Enjoy!
-Jason

Black vs White: Who's More Disturbing?

Since I take the bus to work every day, I have a lot of time to think of stupid crap that probably isn't important. One of those things I thought of recently was the stereotype of black people being loud and obnoxious in movie theaters.

This stereotype has been played out in some movies, like Scary Movie:


And to a lesser extent, Malibu's Most Wanted:


So this got me wondering if there was some truth to the stereotype. Because I personally have dealt with loud white people in theaters, along with loud black people in theaters.

First off, a couple of years ago when Sin City was out, me and my fiance went to see it at a theater in Indianapolis. What she didn't tell me until later was it was in the "shady" part of town, so what happened in the theater wasn't too surprising. First off, some point during the middle of it, three black chicks walked in and seriously yelled out for some other chick's name. After everyone went "SHH" to them, one of them yelled back "Don't shh me!" Cause, you know, screaming out for someone during a movie isn't rude at all. Then later in the movie (Kinda spoilerish if you haven't seen Sin City) the part where Bruce Willis cuts off the nuts of The Yellow Bastard, literally a whole row of black people up front just stood up and shouted "HELL NAW!! HE CUT HIS NUTS OFF!!" and ran out of the theater. Later, as we were leaving the theater, I heard one of these guys on the phone talking about this experience. I found it funny.

And then recently, me and my fiance went to see No Country For Old Men and it was playing in this theater that only shows artsy movies that isn't shown in other theaters. Why they were showing this, I dunno, but whatever. And inside this theater was made up mostly of white people. The people I'm gonna be focusing on for this story is the old guy and some lady who sat behind me, and this lady who sat in front of Felicia. Oh and this MIGHT contain spoilers for No Country For Old Men, but I'll try to be careful about it.

So the main bad guy in the movie carries around this thing that's hooked up to an air compressor so it shoots out nails or something. And this guy used this a lot during the movie. So anytime he did, the lady in front of my fiance would literally jump and give a little scream. Every. Single. Time.

Then the old dude and lady behind me. I swear every 5 minutes the old dude would say quite loudly "What did he say?" "Why did he do that?" "Is that....no." And the lady, loudly, would explain or repeat stuff. Oh and at two points during the movie, someone's cell phone went off. And it was the same one. It was the same ringtone.

OH! And when we went to see Juno, there was this encounter with these annoying ass WHITE teenage girls who literally said "EW" for every damn thing that happened. Juno spit out a slurpee. "EW!" The doctor squirted some jelly on Juno's belly. "EW!" Juno gave birth. "EWWWWWW!!!" The only positive thing I can say about this is maybe this scared them from getting pregnant.

Oh and one time a while ago, some dude got arrested DURING a movie. He was white.

So if I add up my personal experiences, I think white people are more annoying and disturbing at movie theaters. I think we should just lay off this stereotype that ONLY black people cause big ruckus' at the theater. Let's just say that movie goers are divided into two groups: those of us who want to remain quiet and respectful during the movie. And loud ignorant ass people who are major assholes. Which category do YOU fall in?

Of course, there was that one time when I saw "Freddy vs Jason" and this group of black chicks screamed throughout the entire movie...oh well.
-Jason

New Review: Bloodz vs Wolvez

Ever wonder what a low budget Ghetto-set version of "Underworld" would be like?

Bloodz vs Wolvez

Arrrooo!
-Jason

Bad News Death Bed Fans...

I got this in my email today:



Meaning, Not only are they gonna wait until TOMORROW (Tuesday) to ship out Death Bed, but they're sending it from some city no where near me, so it's gonna take all week to get here.

So...now what do I do?

Well, it's gonna just have to be a surprise. Because I'm recieving Bloodz vs Wolfez tomorrow so I could do that I suppose. We'll just see. Think of it as a surprise! Yay surprises!

So this taught me a vaulable lesson. Next time I plan on doing a poll for which movies I should review first, make sure I have all movies in my possession before hand, instead of trusting Netflix to send their movies out on time. So my sincere apologizes for all you folks who voted for Death Bed. It's gonna have to wait. To make up for it, here's Patton Oswalt talking about said movie, which inspired me to want to review it:



-Jason

And The Winner Is...

With 4 votes, Death Bed is the winner! And coming in second place...is a three way tie! WOW! This was an interesting experiment, one I will be doing again sometime in the future.

But of course there is one problem. Death Bed can't be reviewed today. Netflix hasn't sent it out yet for whatever reason. I wondered what I was gonna do about this, then I settled on just doing it Tuesday, when the DVD SHOULD be arriving. So there won't be a review today. Unless I whip together a probe or something, but most likely I won't.

Plus Americian Gladiators start up tonight. So I'll be watching that.

Thanks to all 10 of you who voted!
-Jason

YOU!! Pick The Next Four Movies!

So we our offically in 2008 now. I vow to make 2008 an exciting time for the site (and this blog) with some changes and whatnot.

One of those things is what I'm doing now and that is:
YOU MAKE THE CALL!!! or so I don't get sued "You Tell Me What Movie To Watch Next!"

Here are the rules or whatever.

I'll set up another poll thingy. Between now and Saturday night at 11:59 PM and 59 seconds you can vote for which movie you want me to review next. And whichever gets the most votes is gonna be the first movie reviewed. Second place will be the second, and so on until the month is over. Sound simple enough? Good. Now, tell us who our contestants are, Johnny Olsen!

1. Killers From Space

Starring a young Peter Graves, this is about a dude who is kidnapped from aliens and no one believes him until he's kidnapped again. Features Bug-eye aliens.

2. Dumpster Baby

From the fine folks at Troma, this movie deals with the misadventures a newborn baby has when his crackhead mama tosses him in a dumpster.

3. Bloodz vs Wolvez

According to Netflix: As if ordinary gang warfare weren't enough to contend with, the cops really have their hands full when rival supernatural gangs do battle on the streets of New York City in this direct-to-video horror flick. It's the ultimate showdown as the upstart werewolves from the 'hood start a turf war against the well-fixed vampires who own downtown -- and the winners will reign for eternity. I wish I was making this up.

4. Death Bed: The Bed That Eats People

Yet again. I wish I was making this up. I heard about this gem from Patton Oswalt (No, not personally). Also according to Netflix: Death Bed: The Bed That Eats has finally been resurrected and is now available after twenty-five years of obscurity. This film tracks the macabre story of a bed in a strange, stone building near a grand estate that craves and hungers for the taste of blood and flesh from the unsuspecting traveler -- and three pretty, young girls have just come to stay the night..

EDIT:
Polling Is Now Closed

Trailer Thursdays #5

Here it is. The actual real trailer.

The Dark Knight



Fuck. Yeah.
-Jason

New Mass Invasion: Santa Claus

Merry Christmas everybody!!!

Our third Mass Invasion is up and in full effect, yo.

Santa Claus

And that's gonna do it for 2007. Have a great Christmas, and a wonderful and safe New Year! Look out for many great (or worse) things to come in '08!

And for everyone, a christmas greeting:
Christmas Greeting

Peace!
-Jason

Trailer Thursdays #4

This looks fuckin....I dunno what. Like a combination of Kill Bill and Planet Terror from "Grindhouse". But I will be looking for this and you should too. If...you're into that kind of thing.

The Machine Girl



Do all girls in Japan dress like Sailor Moon? Just wondering.
-Jason

Jason Soto Movie Show: Christmas Edition

Howdy folks! A new episode of the Movie Show is up, and this time I talk about Christmas movies.



Enjoy!
-Jason

New Date My Mom Episode Reviewed

Since it's Christmas time and I'm busy getting my shopping done, and putting together the upcoming new Mass Invasion, I decided to take it easy today and do a long overdue review of another episode of "Date My Mom"

Date My Mom Episode 3

Hope you got your shots before you read this. It's quite sleazy.
-Jason

New Review: Troll; New Calender

What it is, my peeps?

Today I finally go back and check out "Troll", to see if MAYBE there was some connection to "Troll 2".

Troll

I also added the calendar for December.

Calendar

I guess there weren't a lot of birthday's this year. Some of you must've been hatched or something.
;)

Enjoy!
-Jason