I was gonna review one final Blaxploitation film on the last day of February, but other things popped up and I didn't get the time to. Then I listened to "Outside the Cinema Live" and ended up winning a movie, so that was awesome. Anyway, February is just about over so it's time to move on.
I don't have anything really super special happening in March. I just announced a Mass Invasion (title yet to be announced) last week and got some peeps working that, but that won't happen until the end of the March/Early April. I'm also aware that St. Patrick's Day happens and my Leprechaun reviews need to be updated but...eh.
We do have something neat planned for March's episode of "The Lair" so stay tuned for that.
Other than that, it'll just be business as usual around here. Reviewing stuff for the site. Some stuff for The Blog. Trying to keep The Cage Match alive even though hardly anyone wants to participate. But I got something good for tomorrow so it should be fine.
The Razzie's thing ends on Saturday and I'll have that up during the weekend (hopefully). Then there's the Oscars but we don't pay too much attention to those around here.
That's it. Yay spring!
-Jason
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #12 Results
Wow, was it close. I dunno who voted at the last minute, but it was tied for a couple of days there. Anyway. Travis is the winner! Hoo-ray!!
I'm guessing at this point only a handful of people are interested in this cage match thing (Fletch, Rachael, Wings, Nolahn, Bill, and of course Travis) so I'll probaby institute some sort of Players thing where you guys take turns going against each other. Kinda like how the WWE only have like 10 wrestlers who fight each other or something. Anyway, Fletch, Rachael, Wings, Nolahn, or Bill, if you wanna go on Monday, let me know. First come first serve. You guys will have to pick different movies, though. So yeah.
Thanks!
-Jason
Thursday, February 25, 2010
More Like Drag Me...To...Hell...Nevermind
I just finished watching Sam Raimi's return to horror that is called "Drag Me To Hell" and I have a lot of feeling about it that need to be let out. After much consideration, I looked up and realized I operate a movie blog. Albeit, a BAD movie blog, but a movie blog nonetheless.
So what am I saying, is "Drag Me to Hell" a bad movie? No. Do I think it's good? No.
That's what I'm conflicted about. Arrgh!
The first hour of the movie I was in love with. It was awesome. It was scary. It had me on the edge of my seat. My jaw dropped a few times. I was fucking impressed. I mean this is the first horror movie in like a billion years where the following DIDN'T happen:
(Some noise is heard. Main chick looks. A cat jumps out. Chick laughs.)
20 minutes of boring talk
(more noise is heard. Main chick looks again, this time with dude who doesn't believe her, it's a cute bunny in the garbage can. AWW!)
30 minutes of boring talk
(Everyone thinks girl is nuts and is either sent to a doctor, psychatrist, or a insane asylum. Whatever is stalking girl finally shows up but they think it's the girl, put her on meds.)
80 minutes of boring talk
(Finally, a 2 minute rapid edit showdown. Roll credits. Cue Cobra Starship)
This movie didn't do any of that shit. A fucking demon is chasing the chick around and by golly, a fucking demon shows up and does shit. Fuck yeah!
THEN! Came the "twist" ending. That I saw coming. At least 20 minutes before the movie ended. I was praying I was wrong. But no. I wasn't wrong. I was right. About everything. Just to get it off my chest I will reveal the twist ending so...
SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER!!!
About 20 minutes in when chick gave Mac Guy that coin and put it in the envelope, I kept waiting to see how it'd fit into the story. After the great seance scene, the Indian dude (despite speaking Spanish) put the cursed button IN AN ENVELOPE. I said "Aw, she's gonna get the envelope mixed up with Mac Guy's envelope cause he's a dumbass who wouldn't take the coin out of his car and put it in with his precious collection. So in a way what happens next is his dumbass fault."
Sure enough, she THINKS she has the right envelope and DOESN'T OPEN the damn thing to check to make sure, another great scene in the cementary, and the movie gives us the trick ending. Of course, Mac Guy has the button and Chick is dragged to hell. End.
END SPOILER END SPOILER END SPOILER END SPOILER
I want to love this fucking movie but I can't let that glaring flaw in writing go. Sam, dude, I know you fucked up "Spider-Man 3" badly. I mean BAAAAADLY but I'm willing to forgive you. But now this. This is your second strike. Don't let "Evil Dead 4" suck. Or else you're out.
-Jason
So what am I saying, is "Drag Me to Hell" a bad movie? No. Do I think it's good? No.
That's what I'm conflicted about. Arrgh!
The first hour of the movie I was in love with. It was awesome. It was scary. It had me on the edge of my seat. My jaw dropped a few times. I was fucking impressed. I mean this is the first horror movie in like a billion years where the following DIDN'T happen:
(Some noise is heard. Main chick looks. A cat jumps out. Chick laughs.)
20 minutes of boring talk
(more noise is heard. Main chick looks again, this time with dude who doesn't believe her, it's a cute bunny in the garbage can. AWW!)
30 minutes of boring talk
(Everyone thinks girl is nuts and is either sent to a doctor, psychatrist, or a insane asylum. Whatever is stalking girl finally shows up but they think it's the girl, put her on meds.)
80 minutes of boring talk
(Finally, a 2 minute rapid edit showdown. Roll credits. Cue Cobra Starship)
This movie didn't do any of that shit. A fucking demon is chasing the chick around and by golly, a fucking demon shows up and does shit. Fuck yeah!
THEN! Came the "twist" ending. That I saw coming. At least 20 minutes before the movie ended. I was praying I was wrong. But no. I wasn't wrong. I was right. About everything. Just to get it off my chest I will reveal the twist ending so...
SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER!!!
About 20 minutes in when chick gave Mac Guy that coin and put it in the envelope, I kept waiting to see how it'd fit into the story. After the great seance scene, the Indian dude (despite speaking Spanish) put the cursed button IN AN ENVELOPE. I said "Aw, she's gonna get the envelope mixed up with Mac Guy's envelope cause he's a dumbass who wouldn't take the coin out of his car and put it in with his precious collection. So in a way what happens next is his dumbass fault."
Sure enough, she THINKS she has the right envelope and DOESN'T OPEN the damn thing to check to make sure, another great scene in the cementary, and the movie gives us the trick ending. Of course, Mac Guy has the button and Chick is dragged to hell. End.
END SPOILER END SPOILER END SPOILER END SPOILER
I want to love this fucking movie but I can't let that glaring flaw in writing go. Sam, dude, I know you fucked up "Spider-Man 3" badly. I mean BAAAAADLY but I'm willing to forgive you. But now this. This is your second strike. Don't let "Evil Dead 4" suck. Or else you're out.
-Jason
Monday, February 22, 2010
The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #12
Time to dip into the imdb well again! Fun! (Not really)
IN THIS CORNER! Imdb user Tyler G and his write up for the Razzie nominated "G.I Joe: The Rise of Cobra:
Oh my god.
First of all, and most importantly, I have nothing against a FUN, entertaining movie. But the only entertainment in the movie was how painful it was at times.
Acting: 2/10 Terrible. A fellow moviegoer commented that "You know it was a failure when one of the Wayans brothers was the best piece of acting" It was bad. Dennis Quaid was plain boring. He looked like he was having no fun.
Screenplay 1/10 HOW IN HOLY HELL DID THEY GET THIS APPROVED?!! All the memorable lines were the most terrible ones that everyone in the theater laughed at. It felt like a really bad TV show. The end of the movie was WAY more epic than it was supposed to be for a summer action blockbuster. Not intelligent, not funny, and not cohesive whatsoever. The setting changed about every 15 minutes, going all over the world. And brace yourself stereotypical, cheesy, predictable romance too.
Special Effects/Editing 3/10 Some of the obvious fully computer rendered scenes looked worse than the old star wars flicks. (The polar bear moment and the planes flying over the pyramids made many laugh) Other scenes, such as the Paris action looked good. Way too many explosions, even more than Michael Bay would want. The editing cut to different shots faster than any action movie I've ever seen. There were plenty of "What the hell just happened?" moments.
Its a big G.I BLOW Unfortunately.
And our CURRENT CHAMPION! Travis with:
Nudist Colony of the Dead!
Yes that's right everybody I am back with another horrible movie. Apparently everyone (at least for five weeks) thought that Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever was the worst. While I still don't believe that B:EvS is a good movie by any means, it is Citizen Kane compared to my next movie: Nudist Colony of the Dead.
If you could get past the title alone then power to ya. Just writing that title sends chills down my spine. Nudist Colony of the Dead is another one of those "of the dead" or "of the living dead" B movie films that nobody should ever have to sit through. Flight of the Dead, Day of the Dead (remake), and even Day of the Dead 2, the sequel-prequel to the Day of the Dead remake is better than this film. Oh and for all the guys out there, just because its called Nudist Colony of the Dead doesn't mean that there is any nudity at all. In fact there is one nude scene and that involves showing a 95 year old woman's breast. After that when they become zombies there are strategically placed leaves over the private parts. Oh and I forgot to mention one other thing about the movie...it's a musical...with rapping zombies...
If you are still for some reason reading this than here is the plot. Sunny Buttocks Nudist Camp is shut down by a group of radical Christians and before they are kicked out, the Nudist's commit a ritualistic suicide that puts a curse on the camp. The curse is that if any Christian returns to the camp that the dead will rise again. Well whaddya know a group of Christian kids goes to the camp but not before a six minute musical number about Jesus and zombies and love. Led by Billy McRighteous, the group spend their time getting high and drinking and fornicating. Then the zombies come. Oh and there is no gore because people don't actually die. One character is a disembodied head for a while and one guy's legs run one direction while his top goes another. And just to let ya'll know the killing doesn't happen until a good portion into the movie and not before a lot of needless musical numbers and characters so annoying you want to punch them. And the annoying one's last the longest in the movie.
Overall it's a shitstorm of a bad movie. There is no reason to watch it and it is literally painful to sit through. Please bury this film in a ditch.
Vote. Please send in a review for next week, blah blah blah.
-Jason
IN THIS CORNER! Imdb user Tyler G and his write up for the Razzie nominated "G.I Joe: The Rise of Cobra:
Oh my god.
First of all, and most importantly, I have nothing against a FUN, entertaining movie. But the only entertainment in the movie was how painful it was at times.
Acting: 2/10 Terrible. A fellow moviegoer commented that "You know it was a failure when one of the Wayans brothers was the best piece of acting" It was bad. Dennis Quaid was plain boring. He looked like he was having no fun.
Screenplay 1/10 HOW IN HOLY HELL DID THEY GET THIS APPROVED?!! All the memorable lines were the most terrible ones that everyone in the theater laughed at. It felt like a really bad TV show. The end of the movie was WAY more epic than it was supposed to be for a summer action blockbuster. Not intelligent, not funny, and not cohesive whatsoever. The setting changed about every 15 minutes, going all over the world. And brace yourself stereotypical, cheesy, predictable romance too.
Special Effects/Editing 3/10 Some of the obvious fully computer rendered scenes looked worse than the old star wars flicks. (The polar bear moment and the planes flying over the pyramids made many laugh) Other scenes, such as the Paris action looked good. Way too many explosions, even more than Michael Bay would want. The editing cut to different shots faster than any action movie I've ever seen. There were plenty of "What the hell just happened?" moments.
Its a big G.I BLOW Unfortunately.
And our CURRENT CHAMPION! Travis with:
Nudist Colony of the Dead!
Yes that's right everybody I am back with another horrible movie. Apparently everyone (at least for five weeks) thought that Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever was the worst. While I still don't believe that B:EvS is a good movie by any means, it is Citizen Kane compared to my next movie: Nudist Colony of the Dead.
If you could get past the title alone then power to ya. Just writing that title sends chills down my spine. Nudist Colony of the Dead is another one of those "of the dead" or "of the living dead" B movie films that nobody should ever have to sit through. Flight of the Dead, Day of the Dead (remake), and even Day of the Dead 2, the sequel-prequel to the Day of the Dead remake is better than this film. Oh and for all the guys out there, just because its called Nudist Colony of the Dead doesn't mean that there is any nudity at all. In fact there is one nude scene and that involves showing a 95 year old woman's breast. After that when they become zombies there are strategically placed leaves over the private parts. Oh and I forgot to mention one other thing about the movie...it's a musical...with rapping zombies...
If you are still for some reason reading this than here is the plot. Sunny Buttocks Nudist Camp is shut down by a group of radical Christians and before they are kicked out, the Nudist's commit a ritualistic suicide that puts a curse on the camp. The curse is that if any Christian returns to the camp that the dead will rise again. Well whaddya know a group of Christian kids goes to the camp but not before a six minute musical number about Jesus and zombies and love. Led by Billy McRighteous, the group spend their time getting high and drinking and fornicating. Then the zombies come. Oh and there is no gore because people don't actually die. One character is a disembodied head for a while and one guy's legs run one direction while his top goes another. And just to let ya'll know the killing doesn't happen until a good portion into the movie and not before a lot of needless musical numbers and characters so annoying you want to punch them. And the annoying one's last the longest in the movie.
Overall it's a shitstorm of a bad movie. There is no reason to watch it and it is literally painful to sit through. Please bury this film in a ditch.
Vote. Please send in a review for next week, blah blah blah.
-Jason
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Archive'd like a Mothafucka!
If you notice on the top of this here page you'll see the words "List of Reviews on The Blog". If you click on that, you'll see EVERY movie I reviewed on this here blog. It was a labor of love so I hope you utilize it!
Enjoy!
-Jason
Enjoy!
-Jason
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Guess The B-Movie #3
For whatever reason, only one person responded to this one. I figured this was an easy one.
The answer is "The Star Wars Holiday Special". Anyway, reader Iasa Duffy guessed it correctly! WTG!
Ok so you want simple, eh? Here ya go:
And for the hell of it, I'll leave comments enabled.
-Jason
The answer is "The Star Wars Holiday Special". Anyway, reader Iasa Duffy guessed it correctly! WTG!
Ok so you want simple, eh? Here ya go:
And for the hell of it, I'll leave comments enabled.
-Jason
Blaxploitation History Month: Black Samson
Just one of many blaxploitation films that felt the need to add the word "black" to it's title. The only difference is this movie isn't a "black" version of anything. At least from what I can tell. I originally saw this movie back at B-Fest 2008 and this is one super crazy movie. Well, parts of it is crazy.
The plot is your standard blaxploitation faire. There's a strong black dude who runs a neighborhood who wants it to be drug free. Some white mobsters want to take over the neighborhood and push their drugs on the residents. White mobsters threaten black dude the entire movie until black dude kicks some major white mobster ass. Show some titties, maybe some fucking, and you got yourself a movie.
But what makes this movie different is the following, which I'll present in my now Award Winning style, Dash Format! (TM)
-The character of Samson. He walk around wearing an African shirt, carring a huge staff (NOT the one in his pants), and for a pet he has a motherfucking lion named Voodoo.
-Not only does Samson own a neighborhood, he owns a bar with topless dancing. The lion chills in this bar.
-The white mobster guy, Johnny Nappa, is such a stereotype of white mob guys in blaxploitation films, I thought I was watching a spoof movie.
-To show how evil Johnny is, he has his girlfriend Tina go undercover in Samson's club as a topless dancer. When Tina realizes Samson isn't so bad, Johnny beats her.
-Whenever random mob guys come after Samson, he kicks their ass using his big giant wooden staff.
-Samson's girlfriend has the biggest Afro I've ever seen. Again, so big it almost feels like it's a spoof movie.
-The final 20 minutes of the movie is easily the craziest fucking thing I've seen in a movie. I'll go back to paragraph form to describe this ending.
Johnny, realizing the only way to make Samson give up the neighborhood is to hurt his bar and his woman, manages to do both in one night. Samson's woman, Leslie, goes to meet with Arthur, a coked up funeral director. Johnny's men sneaks into Arthur's funeral home and takes Leslie.
When Johnny beats Tina up some more, putting her in the hospital, Samson comes for a visit and Tina tells Samson where Leslie is. Samson springs his plan into action. He goes to this warehouse that Johnny is keeping Leslie and more or less acts like a one man wrecking crew, knocking walls down with his car and his fists! He finds Leslie and manages to escape. But Johnny and his crew are hot on his tail!
Samson drives through L.A (I been to L.A and sorta recognized some streets, like Venice Blvd...aww I wanna go back now.) until he gets to his neighborhood. When Johnny and his gang drive into the neighborhood, the residents block both exits, trapping the mobsters.
I should mention the "neighborhood" is really just one city block. So closing off this block doesn't seem to impressive. But what happens next is fucking insane. All the residents show up on the roofs of the buildings on this block...AND START THROWING FUCKING SHIT DOWN ON THE MOBSTERS!!
This goes on for at least five minutes, and when I say throwing fucking shit, I mean any random thing you can think of: mattress, fridges, air conditoners, papers, boards, fucking THEMSELVES! It's a MADHOUSE!! A MADHOUSE!!!!
After taking care of the unimportant people in Johnny's gang, Samson appears and now it's on. If I was Samson I'd sic the lion on him but that'd be the "pussy" way out. HA!! GET IT?? PUSSY? Lion? Get...nevermind.
So it's an epic fight between Samson and Johnny and at point Samson, this big black 7 foot dude starts WHIPPING Johnny WITH A CHAIN! THERE'S your reparations! Finally, Samson just stabs Johnny with the big wooden staff (again, not the one in his pants) and that's the end of that.
Holy shit, this movie is cliche as hell but makes up for it in it's awesomeness! If you wanted to start watching Blaxploitation movies, I'd recommend going with this one first. It pretty much sums up the genre. And it's probably worth it just for this shot alone:
-Jason
The plot is your standard blaxploitation faire. There's a strong black dude who runs a neighborhood who wants it to be drug free. Some white mobsters want to take over the neighborhood and push their drugs on the residents. White mobsters threaten black dude the entire movie until black dude kicks some major white mobster ass. Show some titties, maybe some fucking, and you got yourself a movie.
But what makes this movie different is the following, which I'll present in my now Award Winning style, Dash Format! (TM)
-The character of Samson. He walk around wearing an African shirt, carring a huge staff (NOT the one in his pants), and for a pet he has a motherfucking lion named Voodoo.
-Not only does Samson own a neighborhood, he owns a bar with topless dancing. The lion chills in this bar.
-The white mobster guy, Johnny Nappa, is such a stereotype of white mob guys in blaxploitation films, I thought I was watching a spoof movie.
-To show how evil Johnny is, he has his girlfriend Tina go undercover in Samson's club as a topless dancer. When Tina realizes Samson isn't so bad, Johnny beats her.
-Whenever random mob guys come after Samson, he kicks their ass using his big giant wooden staff.
-Samson's girlfriend has the biggest Afro I've ever seen. Again, so big it almost feels like it's a spoof movie.
-The final 20 minutes of the movie is easily the craziest fucking thing I've seen in a movie. I'll go back to paragraph form to describe this ending.
Johnny, realizing the only way to make Samson give up the neighborhood is to hurt his bar and his woman, manages to do both in one night. Samson's woman, Leslie, goes to meet with Arthur, a coked up funeral director. Johnny's men sneaks into Arthur's funeral home and takes Leslie.
When Johnny beats Tina up some more, putting her in the hospital, Samson comes for a visit and Tina tells Samson where Leslie is. Samson springs his plan into action. He goes to this warehouse that Johnny is keeping Leslie and more or less acts like a one man wrecking crew, knocking walls down with his car and his fists! He finds Leslie and manages to escape. But Johnny and his crew are hot on his tail!
Samson drives through L.A (I been to L.A and sorta recognized some streets, like Venice Blvd...aww I wanna go back now.) until he gets to his neighborhood. When Johnny and his gang drive into the neighborhood, the residents block both exits, trapping the mobsters.
I should mention the "neighborhood" is really just one city block. So closing off this block doesn't seem to impressive. But what happens next is fucking insane. All the residents show up on the roofs of the buildings on this block...AND START THROWING FUCKING SHIT DOWN ON THE MOBSTERS!!
This goes on for at least five minutes, and when I say throwing fucking shit, I mean any random thing you can think of: mattress, fridges, air conditoners, papers, boards, fucking THEMSELVES! It's a MADHOUSE!! A MADHOUSE!!!!
After taking care of the unimportant people in Johnny's gang, Samson appears and now it's on. If I was Samson I'd sic the lion on him but that'd be the "pussy" way out. HA!! GET IT?? PUSSY? Lion? Get...nevermind.
So it's an epic fight between Samson and Johnny and at point Samson, this big black 7 foot dude starts WHIPPING Johnny WITH A CHAIN! THERE'S your reparations! Finally, Samson just stabs Johnny with the big wooden staff (again, not the one in his pants) and that's the end of that.
Holy shit, this movie is cliche as hell but makes up for it in it's awesomeness! If you wanted to start watching Blaxploitation movies, I'd recommend going with this one first. It pretty much sums up the genre. And it's probably worth it just for this shot alone:
-Jason
Friday, February 19, 2010
The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #11 Winner
Sorry Wings, I should've known better than to pit you against Travis. He somehow knows how to pick 'em.
WE HAVE A NEW WINNER!! Travis and "Nudist Colony of the Dead". Frankly, I can see how that would win, what with that title and how bad it truely sounds. But both Travis and Wings put up a good fight.
So now. I need someone to go against Travis on Monday. Please? Someone? If not, I'll have to dig into the imdb well again. So what'll be?
-Jason
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Blaxploitation History Month: Black Belt Jones
Hoo boy. I don't even know, man. How the hell am I gonna write about this one? This isn't something I can easily convey in written form. You just need to see this movie. I'll try my best though.
The start of the movie has our hero actually named Black Belt Jones in a parking lot fighting some random Asian dude's. I think it's implied that he's protecting some other dude who did a TV interview but it's never really said. While that's happening, some guy is walking into a winery with a Mike Brady clone and what you'd picture a stereotypical Italian mob guy would look like. Brady Clone and Walking Stereotype kills the dude after showing him a picture of something and some money.
Brady Clone and Stereotype work for The Don and The Don is involved in a project to build some buildings in an area. The area he's focusing on is a building that houses a karate school owned by Papa Bird, played by Scatman Crothers, marking his second apperance. Is he in EVERY movie or something? Man.
Brady Clone and Stereotype decide to hire Pinky, a black gangster type, to shake down Papa and get the building. Pinky and his men go to do so and get their ass handed to them by the karate students. You're probably wondering how Black Belt Jones fits into this. Obviously he...knows them. Maybe even went to school there and learned all his moves. I guess.
Black Belt Jones and the second in command of the school is pissed at Papa for having ties to the mob and instead of talking to them about it, Papa sneaks out and plays blackjack. Pinky and his men find where Papa snuck off to and I swear they talk to Marla Gibbs in a uncredited role.
Pinky finds Papa and just by simply picking him up, he kills Papa, but not before Papa reveals he left someone named Sydney in charge of the building. So now Pinky has to find this Sydney dude.
Turns out it's not a dude, it's Papa's daughter. She comes into town for the funeral and on the way to her hotel, she asks her ride Quincy, who is a student at the school, to stop at Pinky's. Since she's a woman and women get men into trouble all the time, Quincy does what he's told.
Syndey shows up looking for Pinky and his goons try to lay the smackdown but she ain't havin' none of that! She lays the smackdown on them! Awww yeah!!! Pinky returns to find his goons all beaten up and decides it's tie to lay the gauntlet by kidnapping Quincy.
The movie goes into "I dont' believe this" territory when Black Belt is entertaining Syndey and he gets a phone call about Quincy. As Black Belt is getting ready, Syndey wants to come along, but Black Belt says "No you stay here. DO THE DISHES!" Syndey's response is a calm one oddly enough. She just shoots the dishes and tags along anyway.
Pinky wants $250,000 in exchange for Quincy, or the building. Through some vague guys that might be the cops or F.B.I, they find out that Pinky is working for The Don and only wants the building to tear it down. Black Belt is like "Fuck that" and devices the craziest scheme to get Quincy back.
This involves a random group of women Black Belt keeps employed. All they seem to do is jump on trampolines but apparently they also know how to fight. And one of them is named Pickles. Seriously. So there's a weird montage of Black Belt having the girls do things like jump while using a Polaroid, spray whipped cream into an alarm, and how to use a grappling hook.
So the plan is to break into The Don's winery to get the money. They're gonna take a picture of the winery and put the picture in front of a security camera and even though she took the picture while jumping, it came out perfect. They sneak into the winery, fight off some random goons, and get the pictures and the money. I still have no idea what these pictures are of, it's never said. But the plan works until it gets windy and the picture by the camera blows off. The Don, reminding us he's Italian, goes "Mama Mia!" Hey, we didn't ask you what your favorite ABBA song was, ok?
Another step in the plan was to give Pinky the money he stole from The Don to get Quincy back, then Pinky would give the money back to the Don and the Don would see that it's his money his money he's giving back. Unfortuately, Black Belt underestimates the fact that Pinky doesn't look like he can jump from a bar stool, let alone in the air. They all figure out it was Black Belt that stole the money.
Then we get to the filler of the movie. We spend ten minutes watching Black Belt trying to fuck Sydney and their idea of foreplay is to run around a PUBLIC beach and ruin everyone's day by smashing guitars, popping ballons, and destroying tents. They finally fuck, but dammit, there's no nudity. Argh n stuff.
Finally, The Don's gang shows up at Black Belt's house and Black Belt and a half naked Sydney flee. During the car chase, Black Belt throws Sydney's panties out the window, which hits Pinky's car. Pinky gives this wonderful line: "Did he just throw his panties in my face?!" Classic.
The chase ends at some dump truck car wash and Black Belt breaks the bubbles button so now the entire place fills up with bubbles as the final climatic fight ensues. After fighting each guy, Sydney (Who's only wearing a dress shirt sans panties, that must've gotten cold fast) throws each guy into a dump truck and pressing the compact button, obviously squishing them to death. She does to all the goons, including Brady Clone and Walking Stereotype. They finally throw Pinky in there and now they're all dead...
...or not. I guess when you push a button on the dump truck it doesn't squish them. It just puts them in limbo cause you hear Pinky shouting for his lawywer as the dump truck full of what's suppose to be squished bad guys drives off into the sunset.
Hot damn, this is a great movie. This review was the best way to put it. You just need to see it, that's all there is to it. Oh and if the Outside the Cinema guys are somehow reading this, I now know where you get your intro music from.
-Jason
The start of the movie has our hero actually named Black Belt Jones in a parking lot fighting some random Asian dude's. I think it's implied that he's protecting some other dude who did a TV interview but it's never really said. While that's happening, some guy is walking into a winery with a Mike Brady clone and what you'd picture a stereotypical Italian mob guy would look like. Brady Clone and Walking Stereotype kills the dude after showing him a picture of something and some money.
Brady Clone and Stereotype work for The Don and The Don is involved in a project to build some buildings in an area. The area he's focusing on is a building that houses a karate school owned by Papa Bird, played by Scatman Crothers, marking his second apperance. Is he in EVERY movie or something? Man.
Brady Clone and Stereotype decide to hire Pinky, a black gangster type, to shake down Papa and get the building. Pinky and his men go to do so and get their ass handed to them by the karate students. You're probably wondering how Black Belt Jones fits into this. Obviously he...knows them. Maybe even went to school there and learned all his moves. I guess.
Black Belt Jones and the second in command of the school is pissed at Papa for having ties to the mob and instead of talking to them about it, Papa sneaks out and plays blackjack. Pinky and his men find where Papa snuck off to and I swear they talk to Marla Gibbs in a uncredited role.
Pinky finds Papa and just by simply picking him up, he kills Papa, but not before Papa reveals he left someone named Sydney in charge of the building. So now Pinky has to find this Sydney dude.
Turns out it's not a dude, it's Papa's daughter. She comes into town for the funeral and on the way to her hotel, she asks her ride Quincy, who is a student at the school, to stop at Pinky's. Since she's a woman and women get men into trouble all the time, Quincy does what he's told.
Syndey shows up looking for Pinky and his goons try to lay the smackdown but she ain't havin' none of that! She lays the smackdown on them! Awww yeah!!! Pinky returns to find his goons all beaten up and decides it's tie to lay the gauntlet by kidnapping Quincy.
The movie goes into "I dont' believe this" territory when Black Belt is entertaining Syndey and he gets a phone call about Quincy. As Black Belt is getting ready, Syndey wants to come along, but Black Belt says "No you stay here. DO THE DISHES!" Syndey's response is a calm one oddly enough. She just shoots the dishes and tags along anyway.
Pinky wants $250,000 in exchange for Quincy, or the building. Through some vague guys that might be the cops or F.B.I, they find out that Pinky is working for The Don and only wants the building to tear it down. Black Belt is like "Fuck that" and devices the craziest scheme to get Quincy back.
This involves a random group of women Black Belt keeps employed. All they seem to do is jump on trampolines but apparently they also know how to fight. And one of them is named Pickles. Seriously. So there's a weird montage of Black Belt having the girls do things like jump while using a Polaroid, spray whipped cream into an alarm, and how to use a grappling hook.
So the plan is to break into The Don's winery to get the money. They're gonna take a picture of the winery and put the picture in front of a security camera and even though she took the picture while jumping, it came out perfect. They sneak into the winery, fight off some random goons, and get the pictures and the money. I still have no idea what these pictures are of, it's never said. But the plan works until it gets windy and the picture by the camera blows off. The Don, reminding us he's Italian, goes "Mama Mia!" Hey, we didn't ask you what your favorite ABBA song was, ok?
Another step in the plan was to give Pinky the money he stole from The Don to get Quincy back, then Pinky would give the money back to the Don and the Don would see that it's his money his money he's giving back. Unfortuately, Black Belt underestimates the fact that Pinky doesn't look like he can jump from a bar stool, let alone in the air. They all figure out it was Black Belt that stole the money.
Then we get to the filler of the movie. We spend ten minutes watching Black Belt trying to fuck Sydney and their idea of foreplay is to run around a PUBLIC beach and ruin everyone's day by smashing guitars, popping ballons, and destroying tents. They finally fuck, but dammit, there's no nudity. Argh n stuff.
Finally, The Don's gang shows up at Black Belt's house and Black Belt and a half naked Sydney flee. During the car chase, Black Belt throws Sydney's panties out the window, which hits Pinky's car. Pinky gives this wonderful line: "Did he just throw his panties in my face?!" Classic.
The chase ends at some dump truck car wash and Black Belt breaks the bubbles button so now the entire place fills up with bubbles as the final climatic fight ensues. After fighting each guy, Sydney (Who's only wearing a dress shirt sans panties, that must've gotten cold fast) throws each guy into a dump truck and pressing the compact button, obviously squishing them to death. She does to all the goons, including Brady Clone and Walking Stereotype. They finally throw Pinky in there and now they're all dead...
...or not. I guess when you push a button on the dump truck it doesn't squish them. It just puts them in limbo cause you hear Pinky shouting for his lawywer as the dump truck full of what's suppose to be squished bad guys drives off into the sunset.
Hot damn, this is a great movie. This review was the best way to put it. You just need to see it, that's all there is to it. Oh and if the Outside the Cinema guys are somehow reading this, I now know where you get your intro music from.
-Jason
Monday, February 15, 2010
The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #11
Here we are, week 11 into this thang. Sorry it's so late. I wanted to get the review done first. Anyway...
IN THIS CORNER, the challenger! No stranger to the Cage Match because his first pick made him the undisputed champ for five weeks in a row. CAN he repeat business? I'm talking about Mr. Travis McCullum from The Movie Encyclopedia and his pick:
Nudist Colony of the Dead!
Yes that's right everybody I am back with another horrible movie. Apparently everyone (at least for five weeks) thought that Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever was the worst. While I still don't believe that B:EvS is a good movie by any means, it is Citizen Kane compared to my next movie: Nudist Colony of the Dead.
If you could get past the title alone then power to ya. Just writing that title sends chills down my spine. Nudist Colony of the Dead is another one of those "of the dead" or "of the living dead" B movie films that nobody should ever have to sit through. Flight of the Dead, Day of the Dead (remake), and even Day of the Dead 2, the sequel-prequel to the Day of the Dead remake is better than this film. Oh and for all the guys out there, just because its called Nudist Colony of the Dead doesn't mean that there is any nudity at all. In fact there is one nude scene and that involves showing a 95 year old woman's breast. After that when they become zombies there are strategically placed leaves over the private parts. Oh and I forgot to mention one other thing about the movie...it's a musical...with rapping zombies...
If you are still for some reason reading this than here is the plot. Sunny Buttocks Nudist Camp is shut down by a group of radical Christians and before they are kicked out, the Nudist's commit a ritualistic suicide that puts a curse on the camp. The curse is that if any Christian returns to the camp that the dead will rise again. Well whaddya know a group of Christian kids goes to the camp but not before a six minute musical number about Jesus and zombies and love. Led by Billy McRighteous, the group spend their time getting high and drinking and fornicating. Then the zombies come. Oh and there is no gore because people don't actually die. One character is a disembodied head for a while and one guy's legs run one direction while his top goes another. And just to let ya'll know the killing doesn't happen until a good portion into the movie and not before a lot of needless musical numbers and characters so annoying you want to punch them. And the annoying one's last the longest in the movie.
Overall it's a shitstorm of a bad movie. There is no reason to watch it and it is literally painful to sit through. Please bury this film in a ditch.
AND our returning champion, Wings! With:
Bloody Murder!
Trevor Moorehouse isn't screaming bloody murder -- he's committing it! A dozen counselors arrive at Camp Placid Pines and receive a warning from a wizened landscaper: There may be a crazy man in the woods. Of course, they pay no attention until they start disappearing one by one! Has the urban legend come to life to wreak havoc on their dwindling numbers?
Ugh. I think I have a winner for worst movie I have seen this year. This is CRAP! The acting is sub-par, on a level with ... Gah, I have nothing to compare it to. The kids on Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers were better.
The story is weak, a very pale take on the "killer at the lake" that doesn't even hold up. It is such a hodge-podge of stuff that the film feels like multiple people did segements and then they just put it together and hoped it would work. It doesn't.
All this could be forgiven... Well, most of it, had the movie been done in a tongue-in-cheek, "let's poke fun at Friday the 13th" style. But it is played straight. It is meant to be a serious, real slasher pic.
GAH! Just sucks. Sucks. SUCKS! Avoid, believe me. Unless you want to know what NOT to put in your horror movie, then by all means, use this as a "Do Not Do" template.
You know what to do! So do it! DO IT NOW! Do it hard!! Do it juuuuust right...wait what the hell am I talking about?
-Jason
IN THIS CORNER, the challenger! No stranger to the Cage Match because his first pick made him the undisputed champ for five weeks in a row. CAN he repeat business? I'm talking about Mr. Travis McCullum from The Movie Encyclopedia and his pick:
Nudist Colony of the Dead!
Yes that's right everybody I am back with another horrible movie. Apparently everyone (at least for five weeks) thought that Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever was the worst. While I still don't believe that B:EvS is a good movie by any means, it is Citizen Kane compared to my next movie: Nudist Colony of the Dead.
If you could get past the title alone then power to ya. Just writing that title sends chills down my spine. Nudist Colony of the Dead is another one of those "of the dead" or "of the living dead" B movie films that nobody should ever have to sit through. Flight of the Dead, Day of the Dead (remake), and even Day of the Dead 2, the sequel-prequel to the Day of the Dead remake is better than this film. Oh and for all the guys out there, just because its called Nudist Colony of the Dead doesn't mean that there is any nudity at all. In fact there is one nude scene and that involves showing a 95 year old woman's breast. After that when they become zombies there are strategically placed leaves over the private parts. Oh and I forgot to mention one other thing about the movie...it's a musical...with rapping zombies...
If you are still for some reason reading this than here is the plot. Sunny Buttocks Nudist Camp is shut down by a group of radical Christians and before they are kicked out, the Nudist's commit a ritualistic suicide that puts a curse on the camp. The curse is that if any Christian returns to the camp that the dead will rise again. Well whaddya know a group of Christian kids goes to the camp but not before a six minute musical number about Jesus and zombies and love. Led by Billy McRighteous, the group spend their time getting high and drinking and fornicating. Then the zombies come. Oh and there is no gore because people don't actually die. One character is a disembodied head for a while and one guy's legs run one direction while his top goes another. And just to let ya'll know the killing doesn't happen until a good portion into the movie and not before a lot of needless musical numbers and characters so annoying you want to punch them. And the annoying one's last the longest in the movie.
Overall it's a shitstorm of a bad movie. There is no reason to watch it and it is literally painful to sit through. Please bury this film in a ditch.
AND our returning champion, Wings! With:
Bloody Murder!
Trevor Moorehouse isn't screaming bloody murder -- he's committing it! A dozen counselors arrive at Camp Placid Pines and receive a warning from a wizened landscaper: There may be a crazy man in the woods. Of course, they pay no attention until they start disappearing one by one! Has the urban legend come to life to wreak havoc on their dwindling numbers?
Ugh. I think I have a winner for worst movie I have seen this year. This is CRAP! The acting is sub-par, on a level with ... Gah, I have nothing to compare it to. The kids on Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers were better.
The story is weak, a very pale take on the "killer at the lake" that doesn't even hold up. It is such a hodge-podge of stuff that the film feels like multiple people did segements and then they just put it together and hoped it would work. It doesn't.
All this could be forgiven... Well, most of it, had the movie been done in a tongue-in-cheek, "let's poke fun at Friday the 13th" style. But it is played straight. It is meant to be a serious, real slasher pic.
GAH! Just sucks. Sucks. SUCKS! Avoid, believe me. Unless you want to know what NOT to put in your horror movie, then by all means, use this as a "Do Not Do" template.
You know what to do! So do it! DO IT NOW! Do it hard!! Do it juuuuust right...wait what the hell am I talking about?
-Jason
Blaxploitation History Month: Slaughter's Big Rip-Off
"Slaughter's Big Rip-Off" is a sequel to a film called "Slaughter". Both star Jim Brown as the titular character. I wasn't aware of this when I put "Rip-Off" in my Netflix queue. The reason I put this movie in my queue to begin with: the main villian is played by motherfuckin' Ed McMahon!
After reading what the first movie was about, there's not much that you need to know going into the sequel. Just that Slaughter was a former Green Beret who likes to fuck up some shit and he went to Mexico to kill some bad guys. This movie sort of starts off with the action right away with Slaughter and a white dude riding horses through a field during the credit sequence.
After the credits, the white dude (I swear he's Punky Brewster's dad) gives a toast to Slaughter when a plane comes out of nowhere and kills everyone but Slaughter and his girl. Slaugther vows revenge on the guy or guys that killed is friend(s)! And the rest of the movie is pretty much him looking for people.
He either owns, co-owns, or fucks the female owner of a night club and on this particular night, a pimp by the name of Joe is there with some of his ladies. He's paid 20 bucks by a guy to spend 10 minutes with a girl. When Joe spots Slaughter, he sees dollar signs.
Joe wants to help Slaughter by helping figure out who shot the people but Slaugther don't need no help, especially from a pimp. Joe shrugs his shoulders, then randomly goes to a girl in the club and says "You my ho now!"
Slaugther goes to some white girl named Norja who has a name for him. But in order to tell Slaughter the name, he has to fuck her. Awww yeah! So armed with the name (and probably a STD or two), Slaughter finds the name's place and finds the person is dead in a shower.
Meanwhile, we go on our main bad guy's house named Duncan (Ed McMahon himself) and he's a typical bad guy in this kind of movie: has a nice house with a pool, a shitload of women, and bodyguards that'll make The Pope jealous. Duncan is pissed at one guy for fucking up the Slaughter...slaughter and hired ANOTHER guy to kill THAT guy, then go after Slaughter. Phew.
Speaking of Slaughter, a cop named Reynolds finds Slaughter at the dead guy in the shower's house and bribes him to do him a favor. Reynolds wants Slaughter to team up with "Highlife" to steal a list of ever corrupt person in the city from this house. Slaughter has to ask Scatman Crothers where Highlife lives (seriously) and it turns out Highlife is actually Joe.
I guess Joe, on top of being a pimp, is a safe cracker. So now Slaughter and Joe have to break into this house. Who's house is this? Well, let's say this movie knows the meaning of the word "coincidence" because it's Duncan's house.
This is a disturbing scene because while Slaughter and Joe are breaking into the safe, Duncan and his girl are in the bedroom next door and you hear them have sex. I'll stress this: YOU HEAR ED MCMAHON MOANING IN SEX PLEASURE!! At least we don't see it.
Joe manages to break into the safe and even though they entered quietly, now they have to make all the noise in the world while exiting. They shoot a bunch of body guards and finally escape. Duncan is pissed and more or less fires everyone and hires Kirk (the dude Duncan hired to kill the dude that didn't slaughter Slaughter but slaughters Slaughter's friends) to get the list back.
Slaughter puts his girlfriend in some secure hotel with a security camera outside and he goes meets with Reynolds to give him the list. Before he can, a sniper tries to take out Reynolds, but he gets by with only a scratch. Slaughter returns to the hotel where his girlfriend is and turns out it's not so secure cause Kirk has her. Oh and also, in a prior scene, Kirk finds Joe and kicks his ass. Then he kills Joe BY MAKING HIM SWALLOW AIRPLANE GLUE!! What THE fuck?!?
Kirk takes Slaughter to where the girlfriend is and wants to exchange the list for the girl. Slaughter agrees only if the girl can drive away, which Kirk allows her to do. The next scene however, you see her get pulled over by the cops. Lady, why you still driving around in that car? The instant you were away, you should've ditched it and took a cab or walked or something. Well what happens next is your own damn fault.
Turns out the cop is working for Kirk and the cop bought the chick to some cliff, when Slaughter arrives. Kirk puts Slaughter in the car and makes them drive off the cliff into the water. Because he's the main character and his name is in the series, Slaughter survives this but the girl isn't so lucky. NOW IT'S PERSONAL!
Slaughter gets a phone call from Norja saying she needs to see him. So he shows up and well, as General Ackbar would say IT'S A TRAP! This is the goofiest scene in the whole movie. The two dudes at Norja's....are motherfuckin' Asian! And while fighting, the Asian's do the typical Ninja noises like "HIIIIIIYAAA!!!" and shit. I'm not even joking.
Slaughter takes care of them and now it's back to business. He finds out that Duncan is at some abandoned club couting some money and in a rather uninspired ending, he simply breaks in, shoots every person on sight, finds Duncan, who's just lying there, and shoots him.
There's still Kirk, who Slaughter fist fights for a minute, then he gets bored and simply shoots him too. Well, that's one way to end a movie.
Slaughter and Reynolds are now driving somewhere and Reynolds wants Slaughter to leave for awhile "so he can have a break". Where does he send him? Paris. Unfortunately, there isn't a movie called "Slaughter In Paris" where he fucks a French chick on the Effiel Tower.
This was a strange movie but not totally bad. Not sure what the title is referencing though. The stealing of the list? The fact everyone he loves died at some point? Or the fact this movie probably doesn't live up to the first. Who knows. It's a pure action flick with some WTF-ness thrown in.
-Jason
After reading what the first movie was about, there's not much that you need to know going into the sequel. Just that Slaughter was a former Green Beret who likes to fuck up some shit and he went to Mexico to kill some bad guys. This movie sort of starts off with the action right away with Slaughter and a white dude riding horses through a field during the credit sequence.
After the credits, the white dude (I swear he's Punky Brewster's dad) gives a toast to Slaughter when a plane comes out of nowhere and kills everyone but Slaughter and his girl. Slaugther vows revenge on the guy or guys that killed is friend(s)! And the rest of the movie is pretty much him looking for people.
He either owns, co-owns, or fucks the female owner of a night club and on this particular night, a pimp by the name of Joe is there with some of his ladies. He's paid 20 bucks by a guy to spend 10 minutes with a girl. When Joe spots Slaughter, he sees dollar signs.
Joe wants to help Slaughter by helping figure out who shot the people but Slaugther don't need no help, especially from a pimp. Joe shrugs his shoulders, then randomly goes to a girl in the club and says "You my ho now!"
Slaugther goes to some white girl named Norja who has a name for him. But in order to tell Slaughter the name, he has to fuck her. Awww yeah! So armed with the name (and probably a STD or two), Slaughter finds the name's place and finds the person is dead in a shower.
Meanwhile, we go on our main bad guy's house named Duncan (Ed McMahon himself) and he's a typical bad guy in this kind of movie: has a nice house with a pool, a shitload of women, and bodyguards that'll make The Pope jealous. Duncan is pissed at one guy for fucking up the Slaughter...slaughter and hired ANOTHER guy to kill THAT guy, then go after Slaughter. Phew.
Speaking of Slaughter, a cop named Reynolds finds Slaughter at the dead guy in the shower's house and bribes him to do him a favor. Reynolds wants Slaughter to team up with "Highlife" to steal a list of ever corrupt person in the city from this house. Slaughter has to ask Scatman Crothers where Highlife lives (seriously) and it turns out Highlife is actually Joe.
I guess Joe, on top of being a pimp, is a safe cracker. So now Slaughter and Joe have to break into this house. Who's house is this? Well, let's say this movie knows the meaning of the word "coincidence" because it's Duncan's house.
This is a disturbing scene because while Slaughter and Joe are breaking into the safe, Duncan and his girl are in the bedroom next door and you hear them have sex. I'll stress this: YOU HEAR ED MCMAHON MOANING IN SEX PLEASURE!! At least we don't see it.
Joe manages to break into the safe and even though they entered quietly, now they have to make all the noise in the world while exiting. They shoot a bunch of body guards and finally escape. Duncan is pissed and more or less fires everyone and hires Kirk (the dude Duncan hired to kill the dude that didn't slaughter Slaughter but slaughters Slaughter's friends) to get the list back.
Slaughter puts his girlfriend in some secure hotel with a security camera outside and he goes meets with Reynolds to give him the list. Before he can, a sniper tries to take out Reynolds, but he gets by with only a scratch. Slaughter returns to the hotel where his girlfriend is and turns out it's not so secure cause Kirk has her. Oh and also, in a prior scene, Kirk finds Joe and kicks his ass. Then he kills Joe BY MAKING HIM SWALLOW AIRPLANE GLUE!! What THE fuck?!?
Kirk takes Slaughter to where the girlfriend is and wants to exchange the list for the girl. Slaughter agrees only if the girl can drive away, which Kirk allows her to do. The next scene however, you see her get pulled over by the cops. Lady, why you still driving around in that car? The instant you were away, you should've ditched it and took a cab or walked or something. Well what happens next is your own damn fault.
Turns out the cop is working for Kirk and the cop bought the chick to some cliff, when Slaughter arrives. Kirk puts Slaughter in the car and makes them drive off the cliff into the water. Because he's the main character and his name is in the series, Slaughter survives this but the girl isn't so lucky. NOW IT'S PERSONAL!
Slaughter gets a phone call from Norja saying she needs to see him. So he shows up and well, as General Ackbar would say IT'S A TRAP! This is the goofiest scene in the whole movie. The two dudes at Norja's....are motherfuckin' Asian! And while fighting, the Asian's do the typical Ninja noises like "HIIIIIIYAAA!!!" and shit. I'm not even joking.
Slaughter takes care of them and now it's back to business. He finds out that Duncan is at some abandoned club couting some money and in a rather uninspired ending, he simply breaks in, shoots every person on sight, finds Duncan, who's just lying there, and shoots him.
There's still Kirk, who Slaughter fist fights for a minute, then he gets bored and simply shoots him too. Well, that's one way to end a movie.
Slaughter and Reynolds are now driving somewhere and Reynolds wants Slaughter to leave for awhile "so he can have a break". Where does he send him? Paris. Unfortunately, there isn't a movie called "Slaughter In Paris" where he fucks a French chick on the Effiel Tower.
This was a strange movie but not totally bad. Not sure what the title is referencing though. The stealing of the list? The fact everyone he loves died at some point? Or the fact this movie probably doesn't live up to the first. Who knows. It's a pure action flick with some WTF-ness thrown in.
-Jason
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Tommy Wiseau Can't Be Photographed
The story on seeing "The Room" live at Chicago's Music Box theater will be told on the next podcast, which will be recorded on Thursday (hopefully) so that'll have to wait till then. Meanwhile I can share some bad pictures. What am I talking about?
ME MEETING MOTHERFUCKING TOMMY WISEAU!! So here ya go!
When you walk in with your ticket, the employees of the theater dressed up like characters of the movie. One guy was Tommy/Johnny and he'd just say things like "Hi babe" "Oh hi!" "I AM TEARING THESE TICKETS APART, LISA!". The chick next to him was the lady from the flower shop scene and she said to me "You're my favorite customer".
This guy was the robber/drug dealer guy on the roof with Denny. He'd just say things like "Where's my money?"
This was the pic I took with my cellphone of Tommy on stage answering some questions.
This one I used my fiance's camera and for some reason it wouldn't let me take a good still pic of him. I'm really convinced he's from some other world and you can't take a good picture of him.
Speaking of NOT taking a good picture of him. My fiance had to leave the theater cause it was unbearably hot and it made her sick and I stupidly forgot to ask for her camera. So when it came time to get in line to meet Tommy, take pictures, and get an autograph, I just had my cell phone. I PROMISE THIS NEXT PICTURE IS OF ME STANDING NEXT TO TOMMY WISEAU.
It was fucking dark in that hallway. I'm pissed this pic didn't come out. This one with my friend Bill came out somewhat better.
Just barely though. I'm mad at my cellphone. Anyway. This is what Tommy wrote on my DVD:
Yes, that says "Jabe". I don't know. Anyway, these next pics Felicia took as she was leaving to get some air. So at least it proves we were there and he was there.
So that's the photographic evidence, as much as it sucks. Stay tuned for the podcast later this week to hear the full story on how fucking weird he is in person.
Bye babe.
-Jason
ME MEETING MOTHERFUCKING TOMMY WISEAU!! So here ya go!
When you walk in with your ticket, the employees of the theater dressed up like characters of the movie. One guy was Tommy/Johnny and he'd just say things like "Hi babe" "Oh hi!" "I AM TEARING THESE TICKETS APART, LISA!". The chick next to him was the lady from the flower shop scene and she said to me "You're my favorite customer".
This guy was the robber/drug dealer guy on the roof with Denny. He'd just say things like "Where's my money?"
This was the pic I took with my cellphone of Tommy on stage answering some questions.
This one I used my fiance's camera and for some reason it wouldn't let me take a good still pic of him. I'm really convinced he's from some other world and you can't take a good picture of him.
Speaking of NOT taking a good picture of him. My fiance had to leave the theater cause it was unbearably hot and it made her sick and I stupidly forgot to ask for her camera. So when it came time to get in line to meet Tommy, take pictures, and get an autograph, I just had my cell phone. I PROMISE THIS NEXT PICTURE IS OF ME STANDING NEXT TO TOMMY WISEAU.
It was fucking dark in that hallway. I'm pissed this pic didn't come out. This one with my friend Bill came out somewhat better.
Just barely though. I'm mad at my cellphone. Anyway. This is what Tommy wrote on my DVD:
Yes, that says "Jabe". I don't know. Anyway, these next pics Felicia took as she was leaving to get some air. So at least it proves we were there and he was there.
So that's the photographic evidence, as much as it sucks. Stay tuned for the podcast later this week to hear the full story on how fucking weird he is in person.
Bye babe.
-Jason
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Guess The B-Movie #2
Only two people guessed, and got correct, the first "Guess the B-Movie" game.
Both Devon and Nohlan said "Death Bed: The Bed That Eats" and got it correct! So for the second one, I'll make it an easier one.
Send in your guesses to invasionofthebmovies at gmail dot com. Answer and new image next Saturday.
-Jason
Both Devon and Nohlan said "Death Bed: The Bed That Eats" and got it correct! So for the second one, I'll make it an easier one.
Send in your guesses to invasionofthebmovies at gmail dot com. Answer and new image next Saturday.
-Jason
Friday, February 12, 2010
The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #10 Results
Ok I have to ask, who changed their votes? Cause I been watching it all week and it was tied at one point but now "All About Steve" only got one vote? I have to ask, why?
Well anyway, for a second week in a row, Wings and "Bloody Murder" is the winner! Congratulations! Thankfully, someone did step up to participate in Monday's match so I won't have to dip into the IMDB well again.
Some special news if you're not made aware. TONIGHT! I am going to Chicago to see a screening of "The Room" and hopefully HOPEFULLY meet/talk to one Mr. Tommy Wiseau. I'll let you guys know how it went down. Depending on what happens I'll either make a blog post about it or save it up for the podcast, which will be recorded next week. Any event, stay tuned!
-Jason
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
Blaxploitation History Month: Foxy Brown
As far as I can tell, Foxy Brown is just a normal chick who just happens to learn how to kick ass and fire a gun.
The movie starts off with Huggy Bear, or as he's called in the movie "Link" (I guess cause he's looking for Zelda?), walking down a street and a car is following him. Inside the car and two white mafia types. Huggy Link stops at a taco stand where some cops are, knowing the mafia guys won't cause trouble with the cops there. This gives Link time to call his sister FoxyCleopatra Brown, played by none other than Pam Grier.
Foxy agrees to help Huggy Link and she shows up in the nick of time cause the cops leave and the mafia guys are about to lay the smackdown. Foxy runs over one dude and when another dude jumps on her car, she dumps his ass into the river/lake/ocean. Foxy takes Huggy Link back home with her and he tells her he owes them 20 thousand dollars for a numbers scheme.
Elsewhere in the plot, Foxy's boyfriend Dalton works for the F.B.I and ratted out a whole gang of drug dealers. So now he has to get a new face. Hey look, this movie pre-dates "Face/Off". And leave it to the F.B.I to give this black dude named Dalton a boring white name like Mike Anderson.
Dalton/Mike is released from the hospital and he and Foxy make way with the boinking pretty fast at her place. There, Link spots "Mike" and almost realizes this is Dalton. Probably cause he met him before and knows what he sounds like.
Link realizes turning in Dalton to the drug pushers, the same people that were after Link earlier, would give him a pass of the 20 thousand dollars. The drug dealer's boss is Katherine. Yes, there's a chick nemesis. Only cause the hero of the movie is a chick. And you can't have a dude fighting a chick, right? Right.
So Katherine orders a hit on Dalton and this happens right in front of Foxy, who realizes her own brother caused this. She finds him at Link's girlfriend's house and goes on the funniest rampage I've seen in awhile. Knowing full well this isn't his place, Foxy still goes around and tears up the apartment. When Link gives Foxy Katherine's name and racket (she also runs a prostitution ring, busy gal), Foxy goes into action.
Disguising herself as Misty Cotton, she pretends to be a "model" who wants to do some paid boinking. Katherine accepts the offer and sends her out to "bribe" a judge, so the judge can let go two of Katherine's drug dealers. Foxy is teamed up with Claudia, a chick who doesn't believe in bras.
There's a quick scene that's suppose to tug at the heart strings with Claudia's husband and son (named Jason) show up and beg her to quit Katherine's ho-ring and go to Seattle with them. Katherine's thugs rough them up (Well more her husband than the kid. The mafia isn't THAT evil) and send them packing. This gives Foxy another reason to put a stop to Katherine.
So Claudia and Foxy go to the hotel the judge is at and offer him a three-some. They take his clothes off and pull his underwear off and make fun of his "size" and more or less laugh at him. And there are so many court room puns during this scene, it'll make your head spin.
Eventually, Foxy pushes the judge out in the hotel hallway minus underwear and he runs into an unsuspecting girl. When it looks like the judge is attacking her, an army of librarians comes in and hit him with umbrellas. I'm not making that up.
Foxy agrees to help Claudia by hiding her at Foxy's. But Claudia was getting cabin fever and she finds the closest bar which turns out to be a lesbian bar. The lesbian bartender calls Katherine and reports that Claudia is there and soon her goons are sent to pick her up.
Foxy somehow knew Claudia was there and goes in to get her and I'm not shitting you when I tell you this: FOXY FIGHTS A BAR FULL OF LESBIANS! This movie suddenly became great.
Claudia manages to escape from the goons and I guess make it to the airport to meet her husband and kid cause she's never seen or mentioned again. But the goons manage to capture Foxy. They give her some heroin and send her to "the ranch" which is really a shack where two hillbillies live.
She wakes up in Hooterville and one hillbilly ties her to the bed while the other one rapes her. Yeah, the movie about an overpowering black woman features a scene where she's drugged and raped. Thanks, 1970's! Later, she manages to escape by clawing one dude's eye out with some coat hangers and she burns the other guy.
Katherine hears about this and takes action by sending her goons to kill Huggy Link and his girlfriend. Foxy hears about this and teams up with a street justice gang to fight back. Might be the L.A chapter of the same gang that helped "Shaft".
So now the final fight is about to happen. And guess what? Sid Haig is in this movie. Fuck yeah I love Sid Haig. He plays a hairy airplane pilot who's flying a new shipment of drugs into the country. Foxy flirts with Sid and manages to get on the plane.
Sid flies the plane to the drop off place and while Sid is collecting his money, Foxy, who somehow knows how to operate a plane, manages to drive the plane into some mob guys, shredding them like cheddar. The street gang show up and grab the dude Katherine was boinking and Foxy cuts off his dick and balls.
That night, Foxy shows up at Katherines and gives her the jar full of dick and balls. Then Foxy kills the remaining goons and points the gun at Katherine. She begs to be killed but Foxy says "Uh no, I want you to suffer" and walks out of her house.
AAAANNND END MOVIE!
That is probably the lamest ending ever. Yeah, a dude gets his balls chopped off but Katherine was the head villain here, she should've had something of hers chopped off. Instead she lets her live only to suffer. What's to stop Katherine from forming another mob to go after Foxy. I'm guessing there's a sequel out there.
Despite the ending, this was a pretty damn good movie. Pam Grier is super hot and she shows off the goods a few times. You know that always earns extra points with me. And hey, this movie earns more bonus points from me for having Foxy Brown fight a bar full of lesbians. To quote Huggy Link "She's a whole lotta woman!"
-Jason
The movie starts off with Huggy Bear, or as he's called in the movie "Link" (I guess cause he's looking for Zelda?), walking down a street and a car is following him. Inside the car and two white mafia types. Huggy Link stops at a taco stand where some cops are, knowing the mafia guys won't cause trouble with the cops there. This gives Link time to call his sister Foxy
Foxy agrees to help Huggy Link and she shows up in the nick of time cause the cops leave and the mafia guys are about to lay the smackdown. Foxy runs over one dude and when another dude jumps on her car, she dumps his ass into the river/lake/ocean. Foxy takes Huggy Link back home with her and he tells her he owes them 20 thousand dollars for a numbers scheme.
Elsewhere in the plot, Foxy's boyfriend Dalton works for the F.B.I and ratted out a whole gang of drug dealers. So now he has to get a new face. Hey look, this movie pre-dates "Face/Off". And leave it to the F.B.I to give this black dude named Dalton a boring white name like Mike Anderson.
Dalton/Mike is released from the hospital and he and Foxy make way with the boinking pretty fast at her place. There, Link spots "Mike" and almost realizes this is Dalton. Probably cause he met him before and knows what he sounds like.
Link realizes turning in Dalton to the drug pushers, the same people that were after Link earlier, would give him a pass of the 20 thousand dollars. The drug dealer's boss is Katherine. Yes, there's a chick nemesis. Only cause the hero of the movie is a chick. And you can't have a dude fighting a chick, right? Right.
So Katherine orders a hit on Dalton and this happens right in front of Foxy, who realizes her own brother caused this. She finds him at Link's girlfriend's house and goes on the funniest rampage I've seen in awhile. Knowing full well this isn't his place, Foxy still goes around and tears up the apartment. When Link gives Foxy Katherine's name and racket (she also runs a prostitution ring, busy gal), Foxy goes into action.
Disguising herself as Misty Cotton, she pretends to be a "model" who wants to do some paid boinking. Katherine accepts the offer and sends her out to "bribe" a judge, so the judge can let go two of Katherine's drug dealers. Foxy is teamed up with Claudia, a chick who doesn't believe in bras.
There's a quick scene that's suppose to tug at the heart strings with Claudia's husband and son (named Jason) show up and beg her to quit Katherine's ho-ring and go to Seattle with them. Katherine's thugs rough them up (Well more her husband than the kid. The mafia isn't THAT evil) and send them packing. This gives Foxy another reason to put a stop to Katherine.
So Claudia and Foxy go to the hotel the judge is at and offer him a three-some. They take his clothes off and pull his underwear off and make fun of his "size" and more or less laugh at him. And there are so many court room puns during this scene, it'll make your head spin.
Eventually, Foxy pushes the judge out in the hotel hallway minus underwear and he runs into an unsuspecting girl. When it looks like the judge is attacking her, an army of librarians comes in and hit him with umbrellas. I'm not making that up.
Foxy agrees to help Claudia by hiding her at Foxy's. But Claudia was getting cabin fever and she finds the closest bar which turns out to be a lesbian bar. The lesbian bartender calls Katherine and reports that Claudia is there and soon her goons are sent to pick her up.
Foxy somehow knew Claudia was there and goes in to get her and I'm not shitting you when I tell you this: FOXY FIGHTS A BAR FULL OF LESBIANS! This movie suddenly became great.
Claudia manages to escape from the goons and I guess make it to the airport to meet her husband and kid cause she's never seen or mentioned again. But the goons manage to capture Foxy. They give her some heroin and send her to "the ranch" which is really a shack where two hillbillies live.
She wakes up in Hooterville and one hillbilly ties her to the bed while the other one rapes her. Yeah, the movie about an overpowering black woman features a scene where she's drugged and raped. Thanks, 1970's! Later, she manages to escape by clawing one dude's eye out with some coat hangers and she burns the other guy.
Katherine hears about this and takes action by sending her goons to kill Huggy Link and his girlfriend. Foxy hears about this and teams up with a street justice gang to fight back. Might be the L.A chapter of the same gang that helped "Shaft".
So now the final fight is about to happen. And guess what? Sid Haig is in this movie. Fuck yeah I love Sid Haig. He plays a hairy airplane pilot who's flying a new shipment of drugs into the country. Foxy flirts with Sid and manages to get on the plane.
Sid flies the plane to the drop off place and while Sid is collecting his money, Foxy, who somehow knows how to operate a plane, manages to drive the plane into some mob guys, shredding them like cheddar. The street gang show up and grab the dude Katherine was boinking and Foxy cuts off his dick and balls.
That night, Foxy shows up at Katherines and gives her the jar full of dick and balls. Then Foxy kills the remaining goons and points the gun at Katherine. She begs to be killed but Foxy says "Uh no, I want you to suffer" and walks out of her house.
AAAANNND END MOVIE!
That is probably the lamest ending ever. Yeah, a dude gets his balls chopped off but Katherine was the head villain here, she should've had something of hers chopped off. Instead she lets her live only to suffer. What's to stop Katherine from forming another mob to go after Foxy. I'm guessing there's a sequel out there.
Despite the ending, this was a pretty damn good movie. Pam Grier is super hot and she shows off the goods a few times. You know that always earns extra points with me. And hey, this movie earns more bonus points from me for having Foxy Brown fight a bar full of lesbians. To quote Huggy Link "She's a whole lotta woman!"
-Jason
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