B Movie Meatloaf: Flu Birds

This month's theme for the Meatloaf is "Sci-Fi Original Films". (I refuse to use the retarded spelling they came up with), which isn't easy cause a lot of those aren't out on DVD, and all the good titles (Sharktopus anyone?) was taken. So I was really scraping the bottom of the fucking barrel on this one.

This movie oddly enough came out right when bird flu was ending and swine flu was beginning. Look out for Flu Swines this fall!

We start with two hunters out in the woods and one of them is dubbed for some reason. They walk around and argue when some giant ass birds swoop down and kills one and bites the other. The other stumbles through the woods until Ranger Garrett finds him and takes him to the hospital.

Meanwhile, a bunch of "teenagers" are out in the woods as part of a "Kids At Risk" program, where their councilor is forcing them to go camping. For whatever reason, the fat guy, named Porky, is walking around the woods blindfolded. Soon, Porky and the councilor is attacked by said birds. I'll say this about the movie, it didn't take long to set up the plot.



Unfortuately that means I have another hour and 20 minutes before the end. Fuck my life.

Just to get this out of the way, the kids are (in no order): Jackson, who gives everybody a Swayer-like nickname. Jackson is a major asshole and I kept wishing he'd die already. There's also Lola, the slut who hooks up with Jackson. There's Derrick, the black one. The one Jackson calls "hip-hop" cause he likes rap. And there's Ava, who looks like Avril Lavinge in some angles.

Hey hey! You you! I don't like your shitty bird movie!

Jackson declares himself the leader cause he's an asshole and thinks the flare gun is a real gun and points it at everyone. They run through the woods, with Ava carrying a injured Porky. They find an abandoned Fort and hide in that, but they soon realize two things:
1. It's full of explosives
2. It's full of leaking gas.

Gosh, how is THIS gonna play out?

Despite the gas thing, Jackson stupidly lights the flare off in the fort, killing a minor character that was there for 10 minutes. They realize they need to get out before the gas kills them, but the birds are outside. They need a distraction.



Meanwhile, Garrett takes Hunter #2 to the hospital where his old girlfriend Dr. Hale is looking at him. She determines that the hunter has a rare type of bird flu that isn't found in this country. And the only way it's contaigous if it's passed through bodily fluids. So it's an STD then.

By the way, this hunter dude doesn't look right. I would've pulled the plug hours ago if he started looking like this.



Back at Fort Gassy, the stupid kids vote on if they should throw Porky out to the bird while they run. Ava doesn't want to do it but everyone else agrees, so they do and it works. Alrighty then.

Thinking they've finally gotten away from Jackson, I figured everyone else would've ran their own way to safety but no, after Jackson tries to fuck Lola, the birds return and they all team up again. They eventually find the hunters cabin and hide out in there. Unfortuately, they find the hunter's guns and Jackson now has a REAL gun. Aw fuck.

Now I have a shotgun. Ho. Ho. Ho

Dr. Hale called CDC and as a result they sent fuckin' every agency out to the hospital to contain this thing. The leader of the C.I.A, who's French for some reason, is like "nobody can leave!" but Garrett is like "I'm leaving" and Frenchy is like "ok".

Garrett and Dr. Hale leave to look for Ava and the kids, because Ava found a walkie-talkie and used it to talk to Garrett. Sucky thing is, no one knows how to navigate in the forest, so telling him where they're at is gonna be tricky. Nice.

But once they get to the cabin, Garrett knows where that's at and heads that way. But there's all kinds of drama like:
1. Derrick getting bit by a bird, so he's getting sick.
2. Jackson knowing Derrick is sick so he keeps shoving the shotgun in his face.
3. Frenchy is ordering an air strike on the area where the birds are.
4. The birds are outside the cabin and need...another distraction.

I got a new Desktop picture!

*Sigh* Derrick sacrifices himself while everyone runs and Frenchy is about to blow up the area when Garrett says he and the kids are still in the strike zone. Frenchy agrees to wait five minutes (I don't got FIVE FUCKIN' MINUTES, DENNY!) while Garrett finds the kids, try to outdrive an animal with fucking wings, and eventually crash the car. A bird attacks the helicopter Frenchy is in and it crashes. Even though it was carrying explosives that was suppose to wipe out a forest, it just merely goes "Boom" and that's it.

They all head BACK to the fort, where Ava comes up with the plan to blow up the fort using the explosives AND the gas. WOW! REALLY??? But someone has to stay behind. Because Jackson got spit on by Derrick (long story, don't ask) he thinks he's sick and decides to stay around to blow the fort up. Everyone is like "cool. Peace out" and leaves him behind.

Now clearly, Dr. Hale said there was five birds. Two birds enter the fort when Jackson blows the place up. When everyone is walking away from the explosion, they say "that's it. They're all dead."

WHAT?? No! Oh god, they're gonna make a sequel. Ugh.

Anyway, that's it. They all walk away, movie ends. No mention how all this got started or what the fuck was going on or jesus christ this movie was fucking long, even though it was only an hour and 25 minutes.

Well, it's a Sci-Fi original movie, so it sucks ass. The acting is terrible. The CGI is terrible. Everything is terrible. I didn't root for a single person cause everybody was annoying in their own way. I wish the birds ate everybody. Hell, I wish the birds ate ME so I didn't have to watch this shitty movie.

-Jason

I Suck/News and Stuff

So my summer blog-a-thon kinda came to a stand-still in July. I did pretty good for awhile there. So here's what's gonna happen:

1. I'm gonna do one last offical entry sometime this week. It's gonna be "Graveyard Shift" cause it's what Netflix sent to me.
2. I still need to do my B-Movie Meatloaf entry for this month.
3. I also have something mega important coming up for the FIVE YEAR ANNIVERSARY of the site! It's gonna be mega-awesome. And I love saying "mega".

So to everyone keeping up with my summer series, I'm sorry. I think I did ok but it wasn't as much as I wanted.

In the meantime I'm gonna do something on Twitter and my FaceBook group. I realized I'm behind on my movie watching (regular and reviewing wise) so I decided to set up a regime of at least 1-DVD-A-Day. I cleared out my Netflix and refilled it with all types of movies I need/want to see. I'll probably throw some TV shows in there from time to time. And I will count Instant Watch as a DVD. Theater movies probably won't count. So if you haven't added me on Twitter, do so here. Or if you haven't clicked "Like" on the FaceBook group off to the right, do so there. It should be fun.

And finally, this:



I. Cannot. Fucking. WAIT!
-Jason

The Challenge: 1997-Justice League of America

I'm barely squeaking this in for the month but I watched it and now I'm writing about it. For this months Challenge, Nolahn decided to take it easy with me, and had it tie in my miserable failure of a blog-a-thon called Summer of '90's by having me review the made-for-TV/never seen pilot of "Justice League of America". In turn I gave him..."House of the Dead".

Fuck, he's gonna strike back with a vegenace.

Anyway. JLA: The Live Action Series, isn't too bad. It's pretty fucking simple. So simple I can break it down thusly:

The Plot-A guy calling himself The Weather Man is able to create weather on command and threatens New Metro, U.S.A (I thought it was New Metro Republic of Chad!) to destroy the city with a hurricane, tornado, a hailstorm, and finally a tidal wave if the city doesn't pay $200 million. The only people that can stop The Weather Man? The Justice League!

The Characters-There's The Flash, who when he's not The Flash is an unemployed guy who gets kicked out of his apartment. He moves in with Atom, a science teacher who can shrink down to the size of...well you know, and The Green Latern, who seems to have girlfriend problems. There's also Fire, who is an aspiring actress, and their leader who they simply call John despite him being an alien. So these people all got their powers one way or another (I'm sure if you're watching this, you're a fan of the comics and know already. I didn't but I didn't really care either) and now formed the Justice League to help humanity.

We also meet who's gonna be Ice. These people have real names but I'll be damned if I can recall them. One of them is named Ben? Terry? Joe? I dunno, whatever. Anyway, Ice works for Eno (I remember that one), who's played by Miguel Ferrer, who was in...a lot shit. He's pretty cool. Anyway, Eno runs some weather institute and Ice is his right hand girl. Ice falls for him. Too bad he's...oh I shouldn't spoil it. Yeah, you can see it coming but whatever.

Anyway, one night Ice spills water on something we don't see and she gets her powers. Now she can randomly freeze things. Well sometimes. Sometimes she touches a glass and it turns to ice, other times she touches it and it does nothing. The JLA finds out and wants to recruit her.

They put her through training but she can't concentrate with everyone looking at her. She ends up being worthless up until the end.

The Problems-Where to start. Fire doesn't do a damn thing to disguise herself when she's Fire. Everybody else wears disguises but she simply puts on some makeup and "OMG WHO IS FIRE?!?!" At least Superman put something tangible on to hide who he was. This chick is like "Eh, just a tad bit of green here, they'll never know!" There's a subplot where this stalker Martin figured it out based on the earrings he gave her but she's like "NO! That's not me! What are you talking about?!" This gets resolved by alien John, who can change his apperance, appearing as Fire in front of the real Fire. Martin is satisifed and he leaves to jerk off to her picture.

Second problem, throughout the entire show, they keep cutting to these interview style things where the JLA are talking...about stuff that's not happening in the episode! I don't get the point of these! And who are they talking to?? I hope this wasn't suppose to happen in every episode cause if it was I would've burned something.

Ok so eventually it's revealed that Eno is The Weather Man (big shock I know) and he's gonna waste the city by crushing it with a tidal wave. The JLA fly around doing stuff while Ice just mopes around. She eventually realizes she's the only one to stop this by freezing it before it hits the city. The city is saved. Except it's never mentioned how they unfroze it and stopped it from hit the city eventually.

There's a bit at the end where she and Atom is walking around and some kids are playing in some water coming from a fire hydrant. She does her thing and it starts snowing. People are happy about this. I'd be pissed! The kids were playing in water in bathing suits! Now they're gonna freeze to death! Good job, Ice. Give kids hypothermia.

Ok, so there's no images cause the only way to really see this is on Youtube, so if you want you can watch it, starting here. Overall, it wasn't TOO terrible and it was kinda fun. If Miguel Ferrer was gonna be the villian throughout the series I would've watched just for him. But get rid of those annoying interviews. Ugh.

-Jason

Wow! Another Award!

I thought being nominated for three Lammy's and winning two was a big acheivement for me. But lo and behold I won another award! Awesome!



Unfortuately, some baggage comes with this award. I guess it's like being Spiderman. With great power comes great responsibility. So anyway, let's do this!

1. I have to thank the person that gave me the award. Mucho thanks to TheGreatWhiteDope over at TheGreatWhiteDope's Mecha-Blog-Zilla! He's an awesome bad movie reviewer and everyone who thinks I'm funny (all 2 of you) should read him cause he's REALLY funny.

2. I have to list 7 interesting things about me. Fuck, I think I said all the interestings about me in the past awards/memes I've done. Ugh. It's probably gonna get personal...fuck it, let's do this.

A. My mom pretty much raised me my entire life. My dad was still heavy in my life but I only got to see him on weekends during school and anytime during the summer. I love both my parents equally and they are both super awesome and I couldn't ask for better parents. Ugh, I almost cried. Knock it off.
B. I have a 13-year-old half sister. My mom married my stepdad when I was 13 and about three years later my sister was born. Her name is Jenny and she's....a typical teenager. And unfortantly she LOVES Twilight.
C. Despite being a tough guy, I have some fears. Fear of lightning, fear of heights, and fear of dying overall.
D. I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to caffine. I know doing podcasts make me a borderline alcholic. Speaking of...
E. Ever since I did the first LAMBcast, I had to have a drink or two before recording. When speaking to people, I tend to get nervous and withdrawn. So the booze loosens me up a bit. The first LAMBcast I did, the zombie one, I can't listen to cause I fucked up so many things it's embarassing.
F. I want to create my own TV show. I've written a couple of pilots for TV shows I've come up with. One of the shows I came up with, I have about 6 episodes written out completely. I know I just turned 30 and you really gotta know somebody in the biz, but you never know.
G. I think this makes seven. Jeez, that's a lot. Anyway, despite all the cussing and bad-assery, I'm more or less a pacifist. I hate fighting. I never got into an argument with any girlfriend, past or present. I never ended the relationship, I was always the dumpee. I don't like starting fights. Any fights people pick with me I seriously didn't mean to start. When someone does say to me that they hate me or whatever, I get depressed and wonder why. Exceptions: Those two retarded Canadians I dealt with some years ago, and that Gina chick from last week.

Phew. I feel like I just went through therepy. I'll send you all a check. Oh, right one more thing.

3. Now I have to give this award...to FIFTEEN FUCKING PEOPLE! Ugh! This is literally everybody I know:
1. Fletch at Blog Cabins
2. Nick at Random Ramblings
3. Travis at The Movie Encyclopedia
4. Nolahn at the Bargin Bin Review Blog
5. Rachel of Rachel's Reel Reviews
6. Stacie at Final Girl
7. Caitlin at 1416 and Counting
8. Reel Whore at Reel Whore
9. Scott at He Shot Cyrus
10. The Mike at From Midnight With Love
11. Small Town Critic over at Smalltowncritic.com
12. Rick The Hat over at Stop The Planets of the Apes, I Want To Get Off
13. Emily at The Deadly Doll's House of Horror Nonsense
14. Dave over at Dave's Film and DVD Reviews
15. This Guy at This Guy Over Here

Ok, that's not everybody I know. Those are the first 15 or so in my movie blog folder. If you weren't list, don't take offense. I read a shit ton of movie blogs, especially from fellow LAMB's, so I just couldn't get to everybody. Sorry.

To the people above, you all have to do the same thing. I know, it's gonna be tough. If you can't do 15 people, do like....5 or something. Fuck it, I'll change the rules. The hell do I care.

There, now I'm done. I'm gonna go have a drink.
-Jason

New Date My Mom Review

Gosh, I don't know what could've compelled me to do another Date My Mom episode.

Date My Mom: Lesbian Edition

Enjoy!
-Jason

Summer of '90's: 1994-Tales From The Crypt: Demon Knight

Ok, ok, ok, ok, ok...OK!

I'm sorry. I've been slacking when it comes to this blog-a-thon. I'm sorry. See what had happened was I ended up working 9 days a week, plus the busiest time for us (back to school) decided to happen in the summer instead of August, when it should be. And with it being "nice" (actually hot as fuck) outside, the fiancee wants to do something called "going outside" and "do stuff". So a lot of my movie watching time has been spent doing other things.

Anyway, I'm here to do a 1994 flick titled "Tales From The Crypt: Demon Knight".

I'm sure you remember "Tales From The Crypt". It was an HBO show that ran for several years in the late 80's and early 90's. It was sort of like "The Twilight Zone" which each episode being a mini horror movie and the cast had super famous people Lea Thompson, Amanda Plummer, Joe Pantoliano, and Robert Wuhl. Well, ok super famous for the 90's.

It was hosted by The Cryptkeeper, a dead guy who just LOVES puns. In fact, in way, this movie is sort of a pun. I'll explain that. Well, much like any TV show, this is the movie version. It's pretty much just a longer version of a story that would appear on "Tales".

The movie starts with the same intro as the TV show does, a long pan through an old abandoned house. We go through a secret passageway and end up in a secret crypt. Then we come to a coffin and out pops the Cryptkeeper! Then it jumps into a story suddenly.

A chick with big tits killed some dude and she called her boyfriend telling him he did it. She takes a bath to wash the blood off when it's revealed this is all fake! It's for the Tales From The Crypt movie! And the guy playing the dead zombie guy is Dan Fielding aka John Laurelquette!

The Cryptkeeper is directing and he stops to tell us the story that's really our movie. So isn't this more like Tales From The Set of "Tales From The Crypt: The Movie"? Whatever.

So the story is kinda simple really. There's two dudes, one named Brayker and the other simply called The Collector. The Collector is played by Billy Zane, who was channeling 80's Bill Paxton. Maybe it's a Bill thing. (My friend Adam is probably laughing at that right now)

Anyway, Brayker has something that belongs to The Collector: a key. Billy Zane has six keys and he needs the last one. Brayker and Billy play chick with some cars and the cars both explode. Breyker survives and runs to the nearest town. He stumbles upon Dick Miller, the cool older guy from "Gremlins" and asks Dick where he can stay for the night.

Dick takes him to a hotel that use to be a church. How that worked out is a mystery but whatever. The hotel is run by CCH Pounder, who plays Irene. There are other people staying in this hotel and it's your stock characters. You got:
-The Whore
-Dude banging the whore for free, named Roach, and he's played by Thomas Haden Church.
-Wally, dude obsessed with the Whore, and he's played by the voice of Roger Rabbit.
-And Jada Pinkett before she was Smith, as a work release prison inmate.

So Brayker checks in and tries to chill out, but Billy didn't die either. He stumbles upon the two cops checking out the car crash when they get a call about someone breaking into a car. It was Brayker earlier so they check it out and end up at the church hotel.

Billy asks Brayker where the key is at and the cops locate it. Just as they are all about to head to the station, Billy goes crazy and kills one of the cops and reveals he's really a fucking demon. Brayker breaks free and de-demonizes the place. The rest of the movie was pretty much remade in "Feast".

By that I mean a group of people are locked in a place and things outside want them dead. But if they can make it till morning, everything will magically be alright. Well, Billy isn't cool with this and he uses his demon powers to enter the minds of some people. He starts with the Whore, who turns into a demon and kills Wally, who was trying to fuck her. P-P-P-P-PLEASE EDDIE! Don't let me get a STD!!!!

Billy creates some zombie demons (hence demon night or knight cause that's what Billy calls himself later on) and the only way to kill these things are by taking out their eyes. It's kind of a cool device really and provides a lot of neat scenes. While Billy waits patiently, Roach is annoying and wants to give Billy Brayker so he can just leave in peace. There's a scene in a tunnel but they have to go back cause Billy shows up.

Eventually, everyone is either killed, or tempted by Billy until it's down to Jada Pinkett. Brayker provides some backstory which is kinda hard to explain. I'll just say it involves the seven keys, all being lined up right, and if done so, all the demons take over the earth and kills all the humans. And something about God and Jesus and the first line of Genesis.



No, not "I Can't Dance".

Pretty much if Billy wins, we're all fucked. And Brayker has been alive since the 1900's cause this power can be passed down to people. This part is kinda convoluted so let's jump to Roach stealing the key and giving it to Billy. Billy decides to kill Roach after all (RAID?!?!) and goes to kick some Brayker ass.

Irene, who lost an arm earlier, decides to blow herself up and take some demons with her. Jada Pinkett gets tempted but refuses. Brayker is injured in a fight with Billy and passes his power to her so he can die. So now it's Jada Pinkett vs Billy. It's kind of a boring showdown cause all she does is spit Jesus' blood (long story, part of the convoluted part) into Billy's face and he blows up. So now Jada Pinkett has to roam the Earth while a replacement Collector shows up after Jada.

So that ends and we go to the premire of The Cryptkeeper's movie. There's several puns involving the word "cut" and the movie ends. Ta-da.

Overall, it's a good movie. I was entertained and liked it. I didn't get all excited or go "HOLY FUCKING SHIT" during any of it, but it's still watchable. Billy Zane is a trip in the movie and I think he made it worthwhile. The convoluted part makes sense in the movie, it's just hard to explain so don't get worried by that.
Now if you'll excuse me, I got a DEAD in the COVEN! HAHAHAHA!!!

-Jason

More like Date My BITCH! OH SNAP!

The following I'm about to tell you really happened. As I mentioned on FaceBook if you follow me or this blog/site, it'd be too damn sad if I was making this up. Nonetheless I will be providing screencaps so you can read for yourself what was said.

Before that though, I'll need to start at the beginning because I got some new fans (yay it went up from 5 to 10! I'm in double digits now!) and they possibly don't know any of this.

Some years ago I started doing on The Site reviews for a MTV dating show called "Date My Mom". I wrote about the premise and why I review the episodes here, so if you don't know anything about any of that, read that. I'll wait.

*cough cough*

Oh, welcome back.

Ok, so the first episode I reviewed focused on this guy named Troy. He went on three dates with three mom's willing to pimp out their daughters to get on TV. One of the three focused on this chick named Gina and her Mom Donna. Now I'm quoting from my review, which I quoted from THE EPISODE ITSELF! This was put on BROADCASTED NATIONAL TELEVISION!

So the mom goes on a date with Troy and shares that Gina is a remote control hog and they both sing horribly especially in the shower. I'm watching this, and writing a humorous review on this god awful show so naturally I pick on these things. I imagine people were amused and I went on with my life.

(By the way, this episode is my favorite thing I ever reviewed. I'll tell you why at a later date.)

So flash forward to earlier this week. I'm minding my own business stalking my ex-girlfriends on FaceBook when I get a message. A PERSONAL message. I rarely get those. I click it and read it's from one Gina. And it said the following (Click on pic to read it bigger...that's what she said):



My response was "...holy shit, what???" I had to look up the episode but when I found it I was excited. A real person that was on that show contacted me! I get to uncover some truth! How very journalistic of me!

But I wanted to start small, why blow my load right up front. So I sent a small friendly message back asking just some basic questions. What I had hoped was she would read my questions and friend me on FaceBook, then I'd get to ask her more questions about this exprience she went through. So the first three questions I asked her was this:



I don't see any problem with the questions I asked her there. So I hit submit and waited patiently for her to respond. and by "waited patiently" I mean I looked through her FaceBook pictures. Damn, she's hot.

The next day I got a new message and it was Gina! Sweet! I got my notebook out, opened up my Word, and prepared to write the blog post of a lifetime. This was the last message she sent me:



Well. That was NOT the response I was expecting. I was kinda stunned actually. I mean, what did I do? I was nice and civil throughout the whole thing. Hell, I was nice to her in the review! I didn't say one bad thing about her or her Mom. I said the mom was nice and Gina was hot in a pre-nosejob Ashlee Simpson kinda way. I guess you could find that insulting but I think Ashlee Simpson was hot before her horrible nosejob! So I don't get it. I didn't say anything that wasn't said by her and her mother. I was nice. I was polite. And I agreed with her, that show is pretty horrible. But check it out! She admits it IS scripted!

So as you probably noticed, she found a way to block me from ever contacting her again. Which sucks cause, what the fuck? Why did she say that? The hell is she talking about?

Then it hit me like a ton of cliches. Here I thought someone was being nice and reaching out to me and wanted to let me in on this MTV show. But it turns out after all...she's just a bitch.

Plus, notice how she ends both messages, even the one where she unnecessarily insulted me, with "God Bless". I take this more as a trendy thing to say rather than her being religious and actually believing in God and stuff.

So to wrap up, why am I even bothering writing about any of this now? Well a few reasons:
1. I think the overall thing is amazing and funny.
2. It makes a good story.
3. It proves Date My Mom is scripted and isn't just a fevered dream I have.
4. The real reason, in hopes that Gina will contact me again and tell me what the fuck her deal is and why she insulted me and made false claims against me, THEN does the chicken shit thing and prevents me from contacting her. I COULD sue her but honestly, my lawyer is busy with another case at the moment. But when White Castles settles....you better watch out, Gina Remote Hog!
-Jason

PS: The Itunes thing is bullshit, thankfully. Unless her stage name is...Ke$ha? Could it be???

You Guys Wanna Watch A Horror Movie?

That's the whole thing. Hope you enjoyed!
-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #7: America Kicks Ass!

America! Fuck yeah!!

Them awesome patriots Jason and Nolahn are back with two red blooded American martial arts films! First there's the Michael Dudikoff classic American Ninja featuring the best ending sequence ever since Blazing Saddles. Then we show that chicks can kick just as much as when we talk about the Cynthia Rothrock film Undefeatable

We also debut a new segment Come Clean: Sponsored by The Foxy Goat where Jason and Nolahn have to answer a question and must come clean. The topic for this Come Clean is Holy Grail Movies. Trailers are found in the links section.

Also in the links section: The brand new FaceBook page for The Lair of the Unwanted. So go there, click Like This and get all the updates and partake in any questions we might have for you.

Without further ado, here's the links!

The FaceBook Page!

Jason's Holy Grail Movie The Boneyard
(Ok, it was 1991 and it was a morgue. I was pressed for time, ok?)

Nolahn's Holy Grail Movie RoboGeshia

Thanks and enjoy!
-Jason

Poll Results; New FB Page

All 9 of you have spoken. I have created a FaceBook group dedicated to The Lair of the Unwanted. So now if you want juicy news and updates and to be more interactive (More=SOME interactive, come on write in or something, will ya?) you can get it all in on fancy FaceBook page! Woot or something!

Here it be.

Enjoy and thanks!
-Jason

I Have A Confession To Make

A couple of months ago I decided to go to Disc Replay. I'm sure I mentioned them before. It's a place you take dvd's, games, and CD's and get money, then they sell them. So it's one giant used video/music store. I like going in there cause you can find some gems from people who don't know any better. (The amount of The Asylum films in there is mindboggling because "Wait, this is TRANSFORMERS!")

So I'm rooting around there and I came across "The Descent" for like 5 bucks. I looked at it and much like a movie, I hear sound clips in my head:

"The Descent: BEST MOVIE EVER!!"
"The Descent: SUPER SCARY!!"
"The Descent: SO SCARY YOU'LL SHIT YOUR PANTS, YOUR NEIGHBOR'S PANTS, AND YOUR DEAD GRANDMOTHER'S PANTS!!!!"
"The Descent: AHHHHH!!!!!"

I haven't seen it so I decided to take a chance and purchase it. It was only 5 bucks. Why the fuck not?

So I buy it and take it home. A few days later I pop it in and....

What the fuck? This movie is BORING! I'm sorry, it is.

Now, before you flame me or send death threats, hear me out. I can sit through a movie with a long set up. I'm not the type that needs wiz-bang action happening all the time. But the first HOUR of this movie is nothing but chicks, in the dark, climbing all over the place. No weird monsters. No HINT of a weird monster. Just chicks, some more annoying than others, stumbling around in the dark.

And god damn, the annoying chicks, WERE FUCKING ANNOYING! I couldn't wait for some of them to die. Then I kept wondering when that was going to happen. My interest peaked up when the monsters did show up and started attacking but I think I was just happy SOMETHING was happening.

Again, I'm sorry, ten million people that seem to love this movie. I watched it. I was bored by it. I wasn't scared. I didn't care for it. The beginning with the accident was cool. The rest put me to sleep. The monsters were ok. The ending was confusing because there's a sequel. I don't know.

I guess I'll check out the sequel at some point. I'll tell you one thing though. I won't be buying it.
-Jason

PS: Anyone want a copy of The Descent? For Cheap?

BREAKING NEWS!!

I just came across this.



I want this to be real. I WANT this to be real.

Here's a news article stating that it is real but I've read stuff about stuff being real and it turned out to not be real. You can read the entire article but I wanna point out something specific:

The film has gained a cult following since its appearance on "Mystery Science Theater 3000," spawning several stage adaptations and even a documentary on the film.

STAGE Adaptation?! There was a STAGE ADAPTATION!! Why the fuck was I not informed of this! I want to see a stage adaptation of Manos! Fuck that, I wanna PUT ON a stage adaptation!

Aw, who am I kidding? I'm having a hard enough time finding people to come over to watch a movie, who am I gonna get to be in a stage adaptation of a movie?

Anyway.

My thoughts on this trailer:
-I like the guy playing Torgo. I don't get what's he's doing in the beginning though. And what's up with the chest tattoo? Torgo didn't have that...did he?
-The second wife shown is pretty fuckin' hot. I bet the third wife, the old lady, was someone involved with the first movie.
-I love the remix of the Manos song. The hand dancing, although impressive, went on a bit too long.
-Again, the guy playing Torgo is awesome. When they cut to him during the hand dancing, I laughed at those moments.
-Finally, the bit at the end with The Master spoofing the Bill O'Reilly thing was good. I wonder if this is what the entire movie is gonna be like.

Yes, I can't wait. This better be worth the 3 year wait. Wait...2013? But the world's gonna end in 2012!!! GASP!!!!!!!!
-Jason

PS: For those confused, here's my review of Manos: The Hands of Fate

Summer of 90's-1992: Dr. Giggles

Well. "Dr. Giggles". Hm...

Yeah well...Larry Drake, you see, he was popular? Eh.

Ok, I don't know how to start this damn review. So you're gonna get thrown right into it, ok? Ok.

We're in the town of Mooreshigh and a bunch of years ago, the town doctor Dr. Rendell had a wife who had a heart problem. The more sick she got, the more crazier he got. He got so crazy that he went around randomly killing people and taking their hearts to "fix her broken heart". The townspeople eventually got wind of this and in true "Nightmare on Elm Street" fashion, instead of getting the police involved, or even the F.B.I, they just got together and killed the doctor. It was well known he had a son, Evan Junior, but he somehow escaped.

Flashforward to "present day" (AKA 1992) and Dr. Evan Rendell, Jr AKA Dr. Giggles, has escaped a mental hospital and is going back to Mooreshigh for revenge! We then meet Jennifer, who is dating Max. She has a heart condition (uh oh) and can't do much of anything.

On the final day of school, everyone goes out and parties! Jennifer doesn't feel like getting it on with Max, who has constant blue ball syndrome. Meanwhile, Dr. Giggles is getting set up at his old childhood home and has decided to kill the townspeople, one by one.

The way he kills the people is a treat. He basically uses comically giant sized versions of medical tools. He uses a giant tongue depressor, giant nose scope thingy, he even has a fuckin' band-aid big enough to cover Andre the Giant. Oh and a goofy slasher movie wouldn't be complete without a bunch of groan-worthy one-liners, all medical related.



"You're lucky I make house calls!"
"This will hurt you more than it will me!"
"Sounds like you need a second opinion!"
"Don't worry, it's ouchless!" (Said after killing someone with the band-aid)
"Is there a doctor in the house?"

So clearly, this movie is NOT suppose to be taken seriously, which is good cause there's a shitload of flaws and continuity errors in this movie.

Eventually, he sets his sights on Jennifer's heart problem, flashbacking to his mom's problems. He manages to snag her and take her back to his home/office to operate on him. Earlier, some cops were checking out Dr. Giggle's place and the old timey cop who looked like Lorne Green or Ernest Borgnine tells the story of how Young Evan escaped the house.

Evan Senior pretty much sewed Junior into the dead body of his mother and at the morgue, Junior cut his own way out. They show this in great detail and is a pretty cool scene, honestly. What they DON'T explain is how he ended up in the mental hospital or why he waited so long to get his revenge.

But whatever.

The last 20 minutes is your typical slasher movie with the good guy and the cop trying to rescue the girl and the killer won't die. He even fuckin' explodes and that doesn't stop him. The girl later eventually stops him. Cookie-cutter stuff. But the trip through the typical stuff is a fun ride.

This is far from a "great" movie, but it's pretty damn fun. Larry Drake, who's only two famous roles (That I'm aware of) is the bad guy in "Darkman", and the "mentally challenged guy" on "L.A Law", was pretty good as a one-liner saying crazy ass doctor. He's kind weird looking anyway so playing a scary dude is pretty much right up his alley.




-Jason

The Challenge: Flight of the Living Dead

After Nolahn challeneged me last month to the brain melting film "Wiseguys vs Zombies" (Apparently a new favorite among readers!), he decided to take it easy on me and give me the awesomely titled "Flight of the Living Dead". The fact that both movies feature zombies is a coincidence, I'm sure.

If you been around these parts since 2005, congratulations! And you also know of my love for "Snakes on a Plane". I fuckin' loved Snakes on a Plane! Just everything about it. So it doesn't come to a surprise that other movie studios would try to ge ton this bandwagon and do their own "something on a plane" formula. The Asylum already gave us "Snakes on a Train" but this needs to be on a plane cause really, you COULD stop a train and just simply get off. But a plane? Fuck that, you're screwed. I guess the only other better thing would be on a ship in the middle of the ocean.

Anyway.

So here we pretty much have "zombies on a plane", which would've made for a cool alternate title. And the plot pretty much starts right up at the beginning. Three scientist dudes are transporting the body of a fourth scientist chick who's either dead and/or dying and she's the carrier of some experimental medicine or something that'll bring the living back from the dead.

I could stop right there cause you can pretty much fill out the rest of the movie in your head. Yeah, you don't need me anymore. In fact, I'll close up shop right here and now. I'm done. Review you're own bad movies! Yeah!!!

Nevermind, I forgot I own this for 89 years, or 700,000 miles, whichever comes first. I guess you're stuck with me.

Well, before we get to the zombification (Made up word that'll appear in the 2011 dictionary, I guarentee it!), we have to go through EVERY FUCKING CLICHE KNOWN TO MANDKIND! Let's count the ways:

-Pilot who is flying on his last flight because he's about to retire.
-Slutty stewardess
-An asshole but this movie gave us a bonus asshole! Awesome! (Techically, one of the scientist dudes was an asshole as well so we're in asshole overload here)
-Flight is happening during 2,000 thunderstorms that appear to be happening all next to each other.
-A nun
-A cop? Bounty Hunter? FBI agent? guy transporting a criminal
-The non-slutty stewardess that's gonna clearly hook up with the main guy
-A celebrity who's trying to lay low but his jealous wife is a bitch
-And finally, sing along with me!! (To the tune of "Neverending Story Theme Song") NEVER-ENDING BULL-LETS!! AHH AHH AH! AHH AHH AH! AHH AHH AH!!!

So we dive into all these back stories for about 30 minutes (Asshole dude is cheating on his girlfriend with other asshole dude's girlfriend while second asshole girlfriend is a bitch and doesn't like the first girl, we don't know what the convict did until way later) then the zombification begins.

During one of the billion thunderstorms that's gonna happen in this movie (they apparently never go away over this obscure country they're flying over) they experience bad turbulance, knocking the thing transporting scientist chick carrying the zombie juice inside her. She wakes up and some dude in an "Outbreak" outfit just randomly kills her. Who was the dude? Why did he just kill her? Who knows. But she doesn't stay dead and she eats outbreak dude.

Some more unneeded backstory (asshole and other girlfriend like to boink...A LOT, convict manages to escape and hides out somewhere) until the co-pilot goes and finds out why they have no communication (Outbreak dude shot the box up while killing scientist chick for no reason) and he takes along two scientist dudes to check out the cargo. There, they find scientist chick all zombified (another new word, but this will take until 2012 to be put in a dictionary) and she begins munching on the two scientist dudes.

The co-pilot returns, screaming about having to land but "Two Minutes From Retiring" Pilot says "Fuck no!" and continues flying. Then the cool shit FINALLY begins. After 45 minutes.

The FBI/Bounty Hunter/Whatever He Is Guy and the secret Air Marshall go down to the cargo to look for the convict and there they find zombies. The Marshall shoots, which causes a bullet to fly upwards, through the floor, and kill a stewardess. It was a pretty awesome scene. It was pretty much like that Korn video.

The dead stewardess falls on cheating girlfriend and asshole and cheating girlfriend runs to the bathroom to throw up. There, I thought a zombie was gonna come through a toilet. Imagine how cool that would've been if a zombie came up through the toilet. But no, it comes through the mirror, munching on cheating girlfriend.

During the chaos, all the stewardess keep saying "GET BACK TO YOUR SEATS!" like that's gonna happen. People are getting fuckin' eaten to death and you want me to just sit in my seat. Fuck you, lady, I wanna see!

Anyway, all the munched on become zombies and they pretty much attack everyone on board save for:
-Whatever Agent
-Air Marshall
-Convict
-Non-Slutty Stewardess
-Golfer
-Golfer's Wife
-Fourth Scientist who's actually an asshole.

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit bitten and he in turns bites the pilot. Awww, minutes away. Just once I'd like to see someone say "I am now retired" THEN getting killed.

The Asshole Scientist claims he did nothing wrong but he falls through the zombie hole (The hole the bullet came out of the Korn Video scene got turned into a bigger hole the zombies made to grab people and eat them. It's pretty awesome.) and gets munched on.

Knowing that the pilot is dead and that the United States is going to shoot down the plane, they have to let the Air Force know there are still some alive people, but the radio is still down. So if they get the plane out of auto pilot and fly it like crazy, surely the air force will go "Oh they're still alive and crazy flying doesn't mean a fucking zombie is at the wheel, carry on!"

And out of the group I listed above, guess who can fly a plane? Well, Asshole Scientist is a zombie so he's out. The golfer's wife got bitten by slutty stewardess (That's TWO types of diseases now) so he's gonna sacrifice himself by opening the exit door and sucking out all the zombies (Cause they'll die when they fall. Of course) and wife comes along for the ride. So give up?

It's the convict! He's arrested for stealing some mob guy's plane! Yep. This movie's subplot's is confusing as fuck. And plus where were they flying from? And flying to? Cause I thought I heard France. But the US Air Force got involved. And for whatever reason, Canada tried calling the plane to tell them they can't land. So...where? Explain, movie! Explain! (Inside TGWTG joke)

So they get through the plane full of zombies, get to the cockpit and the air force is about to shoot down the plane when the convict turns off the auto pilot and flies all crazy like. The air force goes "Oh. Nevermind" and clearly just goes home cause they're never seen again.

The convinct lands on a mountain and the remaing people (Agent, Marshall, Stewardess and Convict) walk away into the sunse-er, sunrise. But guess what! The airborne zombies land and...are not dead! Well...they're dead. I mean...not dead undead. I mean-

Fuck it, they're still walking around. Even asshole scientist guy is undead/alive/whatever and they follow the plane survivors to whatever random town is there and cue ending! Seriously, where the fuck did the air force go? They didn't follow the plane to it's crash landing? They didn't send help? What the fuck? Jesus!

Despite that, this movie was entertaining to watch when shit finally happened. This movie really stars no one famous (the asshole scientist guy looked familar but I don't know) and the acting is horrible but it's still a fun watch. It's one of those "watch with other people" movies. Or at least pair it up with the original classic "Monday through Friday" Snakes on a Plane!

Read Nolahn's take of "Flight of the Living Dead".




-Jason

Summer of '90's Announcement!

Don't worry, I'm not cancelling it. I'm making it somewhat better. After doing this for 3 weeks (Jeez, is THAT all?) I've come to a conclusion:

Doing a year a week is fuckin' hard work. Plus you skip out on a lot of other good stuff. Mainly hard work.

So I'm gonna forgo the one year a week thing and just do ANY movie from ANY year in the 90's until August 7th. This will give me more freedom and more chance to catch up on some movies I wanted to cover that I missed out on in the previous weeks. I'll still designate years to each post so you know when it came out. This should be a bit better. I hope.

Thanks for your patience.
-Jason

LAMBCast 27: Doing O.P.P (Other People's Podcasts)

So I'm gonna tell you my side of what happened behind the scenes and during the recording of this episode of the LAMBcast. Then I want you to listen to it and find out why it's possibly my favorite episode yet.

So a few days before, Dylan/Fletch sends an email saying "I have an idea for a secret topic on the LAMBcast. If you want to join in, say so." I was curious so I said I was in only to see what the secret was. He told me that the episode was going to pay tribute to the five podcasts that were nominated for Best Podcast by doing a segment they do on their show or something. He gave detailed descriptions and what was gonna go down. I said "Sure, why not?"

Problem: The only podcast out of the bunch I ever listened to was "The Demented Encyclopedia". So I looked at the list and what Dylan wanted me to do and the only two I listened to were Film Cynics because "we had to talk like they talk" which I guess was radio-like and this guy name Univarn.

Listening to Univarn I discovered the following things:
1. He does a podcast by himself.
2. He talks to himself...a lot!
3. He likes sounding like farm animals
4. He tends to talk in a stream of consciencness so the episode I listened to he talked about walls and his squeaky chair and other stuff I don't remember.

So I had to do an imitation on this guy, while being movie related. So I quickly came up with a top three list of depressing movies to watch before killing yourself. Why not?

Besides the first segment where we had to answer five questions, I was pretty lost. I watched the wrong trailer (Why are there so many movies called "Bagman"?), apparently Simon and Jo talk 900 words per minute in vague English accents, and the Film Cynics are on the radio except...not? I dunno.

So anyway. That's things from my point of view. I hope you enjoy this episode. I really think it turned out awesome and extra bonus points to Dylan for an awesome editing job. (Speaking of, some things I said seemed to be edited out. I remember making a Joy Division reference that I didn't hear and I think I said "fuckin'" during the non-radio radio moment.) With that said, enjoy!



-Jason

Summer of 90's: 1992-Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me

I haven't talked about TV shows and I'm not going to besides "Twin Peaks" only because how fuckin' weird it was.

For those who for whatever reason don't know, "Twin Peaks" was a show co-created by David Lynch and it centered around the murder of a high school girl named Laura Palmer. Her murder was a shock to everyone because she had this good girl image. FBI Agent Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLaughlin) comes in to investigate the murder and, well, weird random wacky shit happens.

In the middle of the second season, they wrapped up Laura's murder and Lynch and ABC, the channel the show was on, decided to dedicate the show to the weirdness of the town, not realizing the appeal of the show was really the mystery of Laura's murder, along with the weirdness. After a few episode of weird "Twilight Zone/X-Files" shit, the season ended on a cliffhanger that was never resolved cause the show was cancelled.

David Lynch, however, wasn't finished and decided to give us a fresh look at Laura's murder by making "Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me", a prequel of sorts to the show. The events of the movie take place one week before Laura's murder.

The beginning of the movie, actually, shows the investigation of a girl Cooper mentioned on the show, Teresa Banks, but this time Chris Issak's is investigating it. Banks was found dead the same way Laura Palmer will be a year from now.

A year goes by and we pretty much follow Laura around doing all sorts of stuff like drinking, doing drugs, fucking, participating in orgies, and participaing in drug runs. She has two dudes, and her friend Donna wants to tag along. It's here we see a SHITLOAD of tits, which I guess is good but also kinda weird since they're techically high school students. But I'm sure the chicks playing them were like 30 something so it's a bit conflicting.

Any event, the movie is too weird to get into extreme detail. If you're a fan of the show, it serves it's purpose to explain some shit while at the same time confuse the ever living fuck out of you. It is sorta too bad this is the last Twin Peaks thing David Lynch did. It was probably the only thing he did that made any sense.

-Jason

Summer of 90's: Catch Up Post

I'm a bit behind on movies and plus I don't have a whole lot to say about the three I have to present so I'll just give them to you in small doses.

1. Under Seige

Holy fuck this movie is awesomely insane. You got Steven Segal as a cook on a naval ship but guess what? He use to be a fuckin' NAVY Seal! So he'll slice and dice...YOUR ASS!! You got Tommy Lee Jones as a terrorist hippy. And you got Gary Buesy back being the bad guy and this time...he's wearing a dress? Well, it's only in one scene but still. He wears a dress. You got Erika Elaniak showing her tits. It's pure Segal and it's awesome. Oh Steven, if only you made more movies like this.

2. Reservior Dogs

I love this movie. After falling in love with "Pulp Fiction" I went and found out Tarantino made this prior and had to check it out. And indeed it is mucho awesome. You notice some things, like the camera in the trunk shot was used in both movies. And two characters named Vega. It's interesting. Anyway, I don't need to go too deep into this movie. You either know about it or you don't. And if you don't, you fuckin' should.

3. Just a link to my Dead Alive review. I love this movie and it was the first new review I posted on my site when I created it in August 2005 (FUCK! It's been 5 years!) and I watched it every year in August cause it's that awesome.

That's it. I'm now caught up. This week has been mucho crazy and balls to the wall nuts. I'll tell you about it sometime.
-Jason

Work Them Polls, Girls!

I'm gonna put up a poll to see what popular opinion there is of this subject. I guess that's the actual definition of a poll but whatever.

So the question is: Would you like to see a FaceBook page dedicated solely for The Lair of the Unwanted?

We want to make the show as interactive as possible, which is why we set up a email address but no one seems to want to send in an email. So maybe if we did it through FaceBook it'd garner some interest? Plus maybe it'll tell how many people actually listen to the damn show besides me, Nolahn, Travis, and Bubba from the Terre Haute Prison. So I'll keep the poll up for a couple of weeks and close it before we record the July episode and if enough people say yes (or some variation of yes), then I'll create one.

Cool? Cool.
-Jason

Summer of '90's: 1991: Link to Point Break

So awhile ago, I was boiled into controversy when the LAMB decided to honor Former Mrs. James Cameron as a director. I forget her name now. Kathy something. Anyway. Turns out she directed a film called "Point Break", a film that I'm suppose to like. I watched it and I was pretty much let down cause it wasn't balls to the wall crazy like I was expecting. I posted my review and went on with my life.

Then out of nowhere, I got comments and emails from people asking me what my problem was and why I didn't like this masterpiece. And...I felt kinda bad. I apparently slammed the best movie of the 90's. EVER! And people took offense. So now that the dust settled and I have been forgiven, I'll give my second opinion here.

Thinking back on it, maybe it wasn't THAT bad. It does have Keanu Reeves. AND Gary Busey. AANNDD Patrick Swayze. I think I just felt the movie was a big long and there was too much set up. I mean, I knew Patrick Swayze's gang was the robbers from the start so why belabor the point so much? Just say it right away.

But anyway. There are some good lines, the action is pretty decent, and it's always good seeing Gary Busey play a GOOD crazy guy. Just for the record, I'll add a star to my original rating. With that said, here is my review for "Point Break".

Enjoy and see you in 1992.
-Jason

WINNER! TWO YEARS IN A ROW!!

So you all been seeing me post about the LAMMY's and how I was nominated in two categories: Funniest Writer and Best Horror/Sci-Fi Blog. Well, I'm sad to announce that I'm only second funniest behind Stacie Ponder at "Final Girl", which makes sense cause she's definately way more funnier than I and Doug combined.

(See, I bet you didn't even get that. "Who's Doug?" you're probably asking, not knowing I'm trying to do a play on words with "funny/Funnie". Yeah, Stacie deserved that award.)

But in an ironic twist, "Final Girl", who's blog name is a horror movie definition, DID NOT win Best Horror/Sci-Fi Blog because...

I did.

I know! How awesome is that!

Unfortuately I was away in my hiding place editing The Lair when the news broke so I couldn't be there in person to accept my award. So I made this video accepting my award. Fletch, the award you sent is pretty damn good.



Alright, well I get to ride on the high that is this win for another year. In your face, Daniel Day-Lewis!
-Jason

Summer of '90's: 1991-Popcorn

I didn't know much about "Popcorn" prior to watching this today. I didn't even know it was from 1991. But when I saw it on the list, I had a flash to when I rented movies all the time and I went to the horror section and I would see this video cover and thought it was about contanimated popcorn that kills anyone that eats it. It sounded like a silly, but interesting, premise.

What it's actually about is SOOOO much more better.

Movie starts with Maggie have a weird dream about a dude trying to stab her with a knife and calling out to someone named Sarah. Maggie wakes up and immedately records the dream on a tape because she's writing a movie about this weird-o dream she's been having. Her mom, played by Dee Wallace Stone, acts kinda shady about this whole dream thing.

Maggie goes to school and she's a film major. The film department is getting screwed up the ass because the school is focusing it's attention on sports. Fuck you sports. Fuck you. So to generate interest in the film department, one of the students Toby came up with a neat idea: have a classic B-movie festival at a theater put on by the department! Not only will they raise money, but they'll show them sports assholes! Show them real good!

Toby gets some help from Ray Walston, who plays an old time b-movie TV host. He brings in a bunch of props and helps with the movies. This was probably my favorite part, the movies being shown. They're called "Mosquito!" "The Incredible Amazing Electrified Man", and finally "The Stench". Each movie was going to have some gimmick to go with it. Like have a giant mosquito fly through the audience, have electrified seats, and actual bad smells waft through the crowd.

The movies are pretty awesome and are pretty much parody's of actual b-movies. "Mosquito!" is pretty much any giant bug monster movie, like "The Deadly Mantis". "Electrified Man" is pretty much exactly "The Indestructable Man", and "The Stench" is pretty much any 1970's Japanese horror film.

In THIS movie, however, while setting up the theater, the students find a film reel and they put it on. The film shows a guy who looks like Charles Manson killing some chick while he says "I AM THE POSSESSOR" over and over again. Three guesses on what the title of this film is.

The teacher, Mr. Davis, seems to know a lot about this lost film. Fake Charles Manson over there is named-get this-LAYNARD GATES. Laynard. You know, those things you wear around your neck. I know, right? Well anyway, Laynard was a cult leader who gave his followers acid. Film critics laughed at his weird ass movies so he made The Possessor in retaliation and finished the ending live, which consisted of Laynard stabbing his wife and killing the rest of his family, then himself. The bodies were never identified so for all they know Laynard is still out there....

After a montage of getting the theater set up, Momma Dee Wallace Stone is all worried about Maggie. When she takes a werid phone call that tells her to go to the theater, Dee shows up alright...packing mothafuckin' heat! You don't FUCK with Dee Wallace Stone!

So Dee Wallace Stone is outside the theather and the letters start popping off one by one, until a ghostly apprarition makes the words "The Possessor" show up. Oooh, scary! Dee Wallace Stone goes into the theater to kick some ghost ass but sadly she is one-up'd by a manniquin. D'oh!

It's now the next night and it's time for the movie festival. People are packed into the theater and they're all dressed all weird. They have a goodie bag with 3-D glasses and a pin to hold your nose closed for "The Stench". And I gotta say, speaking from experience of going to B-Fest on two different occasions, they got the rowdy crowd feel just right.

During our central plot, we see snippits of the films and they are a hoot. I have to give it up to the writer and performers for doing such a bang-up job mimicing such awful movies. When we do get to the central plot, the killer (who may or may not be Laynard) kills off Mr. Davis using the fake prop mosquito, after the showing of "Mosquito!", then he electrocutes Wheelchair Guy, who's operating the shocked seats, during "Electrofied Man". Unfortunately, the murders stopped after that, which is a shame cause I was dying to see how they'd kill someone using stench.

After the killings there are some amusing scenes featuring Maggie and her boyfriend Mark. Mark, by the way, takes more beatings than Ben Linus on "Lost". It's pretty amazing.

So should I spoil the ending? Nah. I'll end it with these questions:

Is Laynard really back from the dead or does one of the main character have a secret?
How would they have killed someone using odor?
Why is Maggie so god damn hot?
Did Dee Wallace Stone survive?
Will Benson ever figure out how to tell The Tates the secret he's been keeping?

All this, and more, will be answered when you watch..."Popcorn"!




-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #6: MAKEUP!

SHOUT IT! SHOUT IT OUT LOUD MUTHA FAKOS!!

In this episode of "The Lair" Jason Big Stanky Ass Soto and Punchy Taynt Nolahn discuss some summer projects they're each taking on. Jason is doing "The Summer of '90's" where he talks about every movie and music video the 1990's had to offer. Nolahn is racking up his Crap of the Titans by taking on a bunch of famous bad movies you never want to see again.

Then they discuss "KISS Meets The Phantom of the Park" and the Insane Clown Posse, sorry, INSANE CLOWN POSSE, movie "Big Money Hustlas" or "Big Money Hustla$" or BIG MONEY HUSTLAS!" So if you are a Juggalo, A JUGGLAO, feel free to drop us an email at:
"THELAIRUNWANTED AT GMAIL DOT COM" or "THELAIRUNWANTED@GMAIL.COM" or "thelairunwanted@gmail.com", whichever is easier to reach us. If your dial up internet can handle it.

A whole shitload of links for ya, be sure to check these out:

http://www.invasionofthebmovies.com/wiseguysvzombies.html

http://www.thefoxygoat.com/


http://he-shot-cyrus.blogspot.com/2010/06/frankly-my-dear-podcast.html

http://www.rachelsreelreviews.com/2010/06/reel-insight-episode-1.html

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/group.php?gid=87311316206
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/profile.php?id=666503217
http://www.thecommunemovie.com/buy.html

http://www.agonybooth.com/recaps/Never_Too_Young_to_Die_1986.aspx

Enjoy!
-Jason

PS: I had to deleted the first two episodes from Podomatic because I ran out of room. They should still show up on iTunes if you wanna go back and listen to them. If that doesn't work, email me and I'll send them to you. Thanks!

Summer of 90's: Suburban Commando (From Nostalgia Critic)

I was gonna watch and review the Hulk Hogan vehicle "Suburban Commando" then I remembered The Nostaliga Critic did an awesome kickass review of this movie and there's no way I could top it. So I'm gonna link to his review on his site. Ladies and gentlemen I present:

The Nostalgia Critic Reviews Suburban Commando

Enjoy!
-Jason

Summer of '90's: 1990-Total Recall (As I Try To Recall It)

I was TOTALly gonna watch this movie then write about it but I have seen it a few times and I think it'd be great if I could just RECALL what the movie is about based on my memory. That should be fun! Here we go!

Arnold Swartzenegger is a guy in the future. He's bored with his life, so he hears about this company called Rekall, spelled wrong cause spelling things wrong is PHUN! So he goes to this company and they tell him the scenerio he'll be playing, which is he becomes a big hero and at the end he gets the girl.

But in the middle of it, something goes wrong and the machine starts malfucntioning. Arnold leaves and then he finds out his life is all sorts of fucked up. He learns that he's actually a secret government spy and everyone is out to kill him: his best friend, his wife played by Sharon Stone, and even himself!

Arnold is told by a suitcase playing a video of himself to wrap a wet towel on his head, then pick a huge red glowing booger out of his nose with some pliers, then he's gotta go to Mars cause Mars Needs Bodybuilders! And to be librated with air or something.

But he's gotta go in disguise, so he goes as a giant woman and this works for .00001 seconds until the disguise just randomly blows up. So now Arnold is on Mars, he meets up with the chick from "Falling Down", and then some dude shows up telling him none of this is real and that he's still stuck in the Rekall machine. Arnold doesn't believe him so he kills the dude.

Arnold runs around Mars, gets trapped outside Mars, nearly suffocates, then some guy with a small dude in his stomach appears and says stuff to Arnold. I remember then some old guy chasing Arnold around and he fell down a lot. Then Arnold and girl from "Falling Down" turning the air on for Mars, then enjoying a sunset together on Mars annnnd end film.

Directed by Paul Verhooven aka "Director of Showgirls".

I had to watch this movie a few times cause the first time I seen it I was I think 11 or 12 and I didn't fucking understand it. Then when I got older I watched it a few more times and I thought it was amazingly cheesy. And I think having not seen it in awhile, I did a pretty good job remembering it. Right?

....right?

-Jason

PS: OH and there's a chick with three tits. Awesome.

Summer of '90's: 1990-Sorority House Massacre 2: Nighty-Nightmare

With 1990 winding up here, I just have to-HAVE TO-talk about this movie. I've seen this movie more times then I care to admit. And yes, it is a sequel to a movie, which I haven't seen, but I'm sure I really don't need to see it cause this movie is just great on it's own. Much like "Silent Night, Deadly Night".

In this movie, five random skanks decide to randomly start a sorority in an abandoned house...in a residental neighborhood. I forget the skanks names, it's not important really, but one of them has the worst accent ever. I don't even know what she's suppose to be. British? Australian? Brazilian? Martian? No fuckin' idea.

Anyway, the skanks get settled into the house, soon the clothes start coming off, there's a gratutious shower scene, and the drinking starts. Then right when it gets dark outside, the neighbor across the screet decides to introduce himself and he is easily the best fuckin' character in the whole entire movie.

I swear to you his name is Orville Ketchup, despite the ending credits calling him Orville Ketchum. But EVERYBODY in the movie is clearly saying "Ketchup" so his name is Orville Ketchup, ok? Anyway, Orville Ketchup is this weird looking guy who's pretty anti-social and he decides to tell the skanks a story.

The story is about the former resident of the house this sorority is now in named Hocksetter. One day Old Man Hocksetter decided to go nuts and kill some other random skanks and all of this is told through a helpful flashback. Eventually the cops showed up and killed Hocksetter in his place.

And with that, Orville Ketchup just leaves. Thanks. Say hi to Mean Mr. Mustard.

So then the fun begins when one of the skanks shows up dead and everything thinks its Orville Ketchup...even though they see him outside the house trying to get in. Orville Ketchup tries all kinds of ways to get into the house and no matter what, the girls find all sorts of ways to stop the guy: throw him off the roof, slam his head into a bunch of wood, even give him a swirlie in the toilet.

But the body's keep piling up until it's one girl and bad accent girl. Then the truth is revealed and this is fucking stupid but I swear this is what happened:

The bad accent girl...IS POSSESSED BY HOCKSETTER!! And the only person to stop him/her is...ORVILLE KETCHUP! Orville Ketchup pulls out a soul destroying gun and shoots bad accent girl, but not before she kills the other girl. Then a mover shows up with some cops and the cops shoot Orville Ketchup pretty point blank in the body...AND HE SURVIVED!!! He just has some scratches on him and he's ok! Movie's over!

It may sound like the most retarded movie in the world, and it is, but it's also fucking awesome. I'm telling you, Orville Ketchup needs to be in more movies. He's the greatest. He's this weird guy who can't die and he's suppose to be a good guy. I mean..WHAT??

As of this writing, its only available on VHS, which I am clutching to my A-Cup bosom as we speak. If anyone does have a DVD copy of this, please, pass the wealth.




-Jason

Summer of '90's: 1990-Soultaker

"Soultaker" was featured in a pretty famous episode of "Mystery Science Theater 3000". It was not only the episode that kicked off their tenth (and final) season, but it featured the return of Joel Hodgeson and Frank Conniff. Sadly, Joel didn't partake in the riffing but it was awesome to see both Mike and Joel standing side by side, making off-the-cuff jokes about comparing each other and whatnot.

The movie on the other hand...oh boy. Starring Joe Estevez (Martin Sheen's brother) and written and co-starring a chick named Vivian Schilling. It tells the story of a group of friends who die in a car accident and are not being chased by a "soultaker", sort of a Grim Reaper of sorts, played by Joe Estevez.

The group of friends include Zach, his ex-girlfriend Natalie, and their friends Brad and Tommy. Brad doesn't like Natalie cause she's "slightly more rich then they are", which is like saying "I hate that person cause he has slightly more shoes than I do".

They're driving to the ever fun Summerfest when The Angel of Death (Robert Z'Dar) tells Joe to take the souls of our four heroes and he only has 12 hours to do so before...I don't know, their soul's expire or something. So Joe causes a car accident, which I think is cheating if you ask me, and succeeds in taking the souls of Brad and Tommy but it's Zach and Natalie that Joe has a hard time with.

Then there's the sub-plot of Joe remembering his wife in his previous life and she just happens to look like Natalie. Did I mention the chick playing Natalie wrote this movie? Just in case that wasn't clear. So the rest of the movie is Zach and Natalie NOT KNOWING THEY'RE DEAD and they go get help from Natalie's Mom, who's really just Joe in disguise, so there's some pretty creepy moments.

Eventually, they discover that Zach and Natalie's bodies are on life support at the hospital and they have to get back into their bodies before their parents pull the plug. So this leads to RUNNING IN THE HOSPITAL: THE MOVIE! It must be fun to run in a hospital.

I won't tell the ending cause frankly it's stupid and retarded. I recommend watching this movie in MST3K form cause it's MUCH more enjoyable. The movie itself is just weird, kinda slow, and just overall stupid. Plus having the screenwriter cast as the main chick is just so vain. I guess she thought this movie was about her.

-Jason

Summer of '90's-1990: Darkman

Fuckin' LOOOOVE "Darkman". I seen this when it came out on video and I was blown away. Watching it again 20 years later, I'm still blown away. And amazed that this movie stars Liam Neeson AND Frances McDormand.

This is a Sam Raimi movie and it shows. This was probably what he showed Marvel when he was interested in directing "Spider-man" because this entire movie feels like a comic book movie. The style, the background scenes, hell even the overall story is almost like a mash-up of every comic book hero ever.

The story focuses on Peyton Westlake (Neeson) who is a scientist working on making realistic skin for burn victims and whatnot. He's successful but the skin can only last for 99 minutes before it melts away. But he discovers that in the dark it lasts a long time. Peyton is dating Julie (McDormand), who is an attorney for some sleazy building developer named Strack. Julie discovers some sort of illegal thing going on with Strack and rather stupidly goes right to him about this.

Strack isn't happy about this so he sends his right hand man named Durant (Larry Drake, yes THAT Larry Drake) to Peyton's place to get this memo. Durant trashes Peyton's lab, kills his assistant, and pretty much fucks up Peyton's body, badly burning him. As a final "fuck you", Durant and his men blow the shit out of his lab. Peyton goes flying and lands in a nearby water source.

Sometime later, Peyton is found and put in a hospital where they cut off all his nerve endings so he doesn't feel the pain of being horrible burnt. The cause of this, however, leads to Peyton getting pissed off a lot and kinda sensitive. He wakes up and escapes the hospital and after salaving what's left of his equipment, moves to an abandoned warehouse and starts a-new.

Eventually, he moves on to revenge and starts making faces of Durant's men and fucking with their lives. He poses as one goon and takes Durant's money, so then Durant goes to the real goon's house and kills him, not believing his story of "it wasn't me" even though Durant saw him on the counter AND on the sofa.

Finally, Peyton is able to make a fake version of his face and he goes out to find Julie and...not tell her what happened. O....K. While he's getting his groove thang back on with Julie, he's planning revenge on Durant and his men by fucking up more shit.

After Peyton tries to pretend to be Durant and take some more money, in which the REAL Durant shows up, and Julie tells Strack Peyton is alive, life gets hard(er) for him. Durant followed Julie to the abandoned warehouse to plead with Peyton to let her see his real self (after she finds out he's been using his equipment to make fake faces) and kidnaps her and tries to rid of Peyton. Peyton alludes them and eventually stops Durant. Now to save Julie.

Peyton disguises himself as Durant but Strack figures it out and tries to pay off Peyton, but Peyton is like "Fuck you" and a fight ensues. It's a pretty awesome fight. Hell, the chase scene one scene back was awesome too. This entire movie is just awesome. I'm stopping here cause if you haven't seen "Darkman" you need you get on that.

Sadly, there were some sequels that don't have Liam Neeson nor were written or directed by Sam Raimi so I'm sure they're crap. I'll give them a watch eventually but for now, let's just enjoy this awesome original movie. Oh and look out for a cameo by Bruce Campbell. Can't miss it.

-Jason

Summer of '90's-1990: Troll 2

To begin the movie portion of my Summer-long blog-a-thon, let's start with, oh I don't know...Troll 2?

Troll 2 is such an epic movie that not only did I make it my second ever Mass Invasion, but it was also the 100th movie reviewed on the site. What's even greater is this movie is so bad there's a documentary on how bad it is. I present to you "Best Worst Movie"



But that's not what this is about. You wanna read some stuff about the movie itself. Thankfully, this movie has been covered all over the place. So take your pick:

Me and My Friends Review It
Nolahn, my podcastin' partner in crime, reviewed it at Bargin Bin Review
Andrew at BadMovies.org reviewed it
And Fatally Yours reviewed it

If you reviewed "Troll 2" and you want it linked up here, drop me a line in the comment section. Now if you excuse me, I got some hopsitality to piss on.
-Jason

EPIC POST IS EPIC!

Ok guys and ghouls, here's the moment you all been waiting for: What epic thing have I been talking about for awhile now? Well here it is!

Starting June 7th and going all the way til August, I will be celebrating the '90's! Every week I'll focus on a year within that decade and talk about different stuff. Such as:
-On The Blog and The Site I will review bad movies from each year. Also post links to reviews I already posted.
-At "Jason's Movie Bucket List", whatever movie on the list falls in that particular year I'll watch it.
-And over at "Two Trick Pony" I'll talk about...everything else. Including music videos, other good movies, and personal stuff.

I been putting this together for a couple of months now and I think it'll be fun. So if you aren't already, make sure you follow the other blogs to further enhance the experience. I'll also set up a homepage on The Site full of linky goodness in case you miss something.

And also you, YES YOU, are welcome to participate. Is your favorite movie from 1993? Wanna write about it? Or you already wrote about it? Email the link to me and when I get to that particular year, I'll post it. And even though I spent awhile planning it, I still got some bugs to work out and other things I need to figure out, which I'll probably do so as I go along, so bear with me.

Anyway, this should be fun. The Summer of '90's! Awesome, dude!
-Jason