Did You Know? HORROR Edition

Being bored at home on your day off is dangerous. You just putz around the internet, clicking on shit, until you stumble upon something. (Oddly enough, I WAS NOT on StumbleUpon.) I found this website called "Did You Know?" that tells us weird, but true, facts. Then while looking that up, I found out that there's a parody site called "Did Yuo Kno?" (Grammar Nazi's, lay your weapons down, it's misspelled on purpose) and the parody site is fucking hilarious! And just know that NOTHING on that site is serious, so if anyone here takes it seriously, get off my blog cause clearly you don't have a brain.

Anyway, I do what I do best and ripped them off and now I present to you Did You Know? HORROR Edition!

If you have any you'd like to see made into a Did You Know? Horror Edition, leave them in the comment section!
-Jason

So The LAMMY Nominations Have Been Announced

It's the day after The LAMMY nominations have been announced and a lot of us are feeling a bit punch drunk for various reasons. Some because they been nominated a billion times, some because they haven't been nominated at all, and some because the ares they thought FOR SURE they'd be nominated in didn't get nominated.

You could listen to the LAMBcast episode to hear the nominations, but you'd have to fast forward through some Tom Cruise talk that was put before it for some reason, and have to deal with Nick's Ralph Fiennes impersonation (That was what he was doing, right?) to get to it. Thankfully, my best friend in the whole wide world Sam over at "Duke & The Movies" put together a list. So mucho thanks to Sam for doing that.

So here's my take on everything.

1. Thank you to everyone who nominated me for Funniest Writer and Best Horror. I really am grateful to have some fans who think I'm funny and horrific at the same time. It does my self esteem problems proud to know that at least SOMEBODY loves what I do.

2. With that said, what the hell? No Podcast nom again? I understood the first year cause we were new. I understood LAST year cause people complaining we were too long of a show. But now? We're in the middle of our third year AND the show is barely an hour long. So I dunno, I guess we're gonna have to get gimmicky on your ass. Look out for The Lair of The Unwanted Sponsored By Hooters! Starring Bambi, Jason, AND Nolahn!!
"So Bambi, what did you think of 'Yor: The Hunter From The Future'?"
"BOOBIES!!!!" *flash*
*Insert 3 million downloads*

I see how you people are...

3. It's a shame some of my friends didn't get nominated. Poor Nolahn didn't even get a New LAMB nom whatever year he started. And I don't think GreatWhiteDope got nominated for anything either. It's a shame cause both are great writers and deserve some recognition. GreatWhiteDope is easily the smarter version of me. He watches the same shitty movies I do but he puts a smart spin on it by telling you all about the movie, the writer, director, stars, what they ate for breakfast each day during shooting, and more! So guys, just know that I'm on your side and I TOTALLY voted for you both.

4. It's pretty well established that Nick at Random Ramblings got shafted. Big time. I won't get into it here.

5. Congrats to everybody who DID get nominated and I look forward to fighting the good fight with my fellow nominees, although I'll be honest, in the horror department...I haven't heard of a bunch of you before. I'm totally out of the loop, huh?

Anyway, voting hasn't started yet but when it does, it'd be fucking sweet and amazing if you LAMBS (and only LAMBS, unfortunately) voted for me in Best Funny Blog and Horrorist Guy In The World!

Wait...
-Jason

Inaugural Cinefessions Summer Screams Challenge-Invasion of the B Movies List

I don't know why I'm doing this. But not only am I gonna be doing Old School Summer, starting June 1st, but during the month of June, I'll be doing this Summer Screams challenge thrown down by Cinefessions. I'm not 100% clear on the rules but all I know is during June I have to list every horror movie I watch in this spot, updating it throughout the month. I guess there's a theme to it as well? I dunno, I didn't get nominated for Smartest LAMB for a reason. Anyway, if you wanna know what's going on, check this page here and follow the rules if you wanna join it. Lord knows I could use some company!

-Camel Spiders
-Evil Things
-Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies
-One Eye Monster
-The Strangers
-Satan's Little Helper
-The Poughkeepsie Tapes
-The Room
-Sleepaway Camp
-Maniac
-Hard Ticket To Hawaii
-Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter
-Bloody Horror
-Bloody Horror 2
-Ted

Wish me luck!

-Jason

What A Horror Movie Trailer Should Be Like

WHAT A HORROR MOVIE TRAILER SHOULD BE LIKE:

VOICE OVER: Legend has it there's a sadistic serial killer on the loose! And he wants to kill! EVERYBODY!

KILLER(Voice Over): I'm gonna kill you!

SCREAM!

 WHAT WAS THAT?!?!
*Chainsaw effect*

MORE SCREAMING!

Dude, bro, I can't wait until I max out with my tan and-OH MY GOD I"M BEING CUT INTO A BILLION PIECES! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

RAWR!!!

Mosquitoes is the least of their problems!

RATED R! For a lot of awesome fucking shit like blood, guts, and boobs.

(Doesn't give a lot away, teases you the right way, and you know some douchebags are gonna die horribly. Fucking awesome!)
-Jason

So I Bought A Blu-Ray Player

For a few months, I been wrestling around with the idea of buying a Blu-Ray player. Here's the short pro and con's list I came up with:

Pro:
Awesome quality
Super popular now
They're getting cheaper now that EVERYONE and their mother has one

Cons:
I own a shit ton of DVD's, I'd have to transfer over to Blu-Ray
Blu Ray's generally are expensive as fuck
I normally don't care about movie quality or how it looks.
Seems to mainstream. VHS MOTHERFUCKER!!

But then I went to my local Target and in their clearance section, they had a Blu Ray player for 40 BUCKS! I was like "WHA?!?!?!" So I had to snatch that shit up. So now...I have a Blu-Ray player!

This one. Looks spooky in the dark!

Anyway, now I get to buy Blu-Ray's! How fun! The first two I bought were (I should save this for the next episode of "Jason's Awesome DVD Shelf" but fuck it) "Evil Dead 2" and "Dawn of the Dead (2004)". And TODAY I rented "The Woman in Black" and "The Devil Inside" on Blu Ray! I'm excited!

So I guess what I'll just do is this:
-Buy any future movies I would've bought on DVD on Blu Ray
-Replace any bad DVD's or *AHEM*notrealdvds*COUGHCOUGH* on Blu Ray. Hence, me buying "Evil Dead 2".

I guess I'll open this up. Any interesting movies I should get on Blu Ray? You all know me and should know what I like. I think? Anyway, lay any suggestions on me! I'd love to hear them.

Reporting from the future,
-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #33: That Green Day Song

BEST EPISODE EVER!

Jason and Nolahn welcome Scott from Frankly My Dear Podcast to talk about motherfucking "Basket Case"! Then Scott takes on The Game of the Unwanted! Stick around!

IT'S PEANUT BUTTER LAMMY TIME!!!!

And so it begins! It is LAMMY Time! To those of you NOT in the know, every year The Large Association of Movie Blogs hosts The LAMMY's, celebrating awesome blogging history and prestige or some shit like that. As you can see off to the right I've won a staggering four times. But this year I think is going to be different. Why?

Because since last year the LAMB has blown the fuck up! It went from having a small handful of members to HOLY FUCKING SHIT HALF THE POPULATION OF THE WORLD IS NOW A MEMBER!! You know how I complain about nobody reading my shit or anyone reading my comments in the old day? Well now I'll be TWICE as ignored! Maybe THREE TIMES! Who knows!

In other words, there's a lot of competition this year and this time around me and Nolahn are gunnin' for the Best Podcast award. Well, consider this your plea from me, fellow LAMB members, on why you should vote for me for these awesome categories:

Best Blog:
Why do all the fancy schmancy uptight blogs and movie review sites always win Best Blog? Why can't a small B-Movie site win? Does it say in the category that "only blogs run my fancy people with fancy movie tastes can ONLY win this category"? Nope! It doesn't! So let's shake shit up and nominate me for Best Blog.

Best podcast: The Lair of the Unwanted
This is our third year doing the show and I think it's time we get some motherfucking recognition! Plus we've redesigned the show so now it's leaner, meaner, and more awesome! THE LAIR FOR BEST PODCAST!

Best Horror Blog:
I'll be honest, I don't know of too many new horror blogs that's came up since last year. I don't have a problem in this category, I don't think, but if there's some new upstart I need to worry about, then I guess it's time to do a "Black Swan" on them. Or..."Talented Mr. Ripley"? "Strangers on a Train"? "My Dinner With Andre?" Something.

Best Blog-A-Thon(g): Shark Attack
I think my Shark Attack Blog-A-Thon(g) has gotten huge over the past few months and I had fun doing it. I had to quit due to me getting burnt out, but that shouldn't stop you LAMB's from voting for it!

Best Running Feature: The Netflix Corner/Game
I hope this counts since I now run it over at The LAMB, but since it came to life here on my site, it totally should. This is by far the most popular thing I've ever came up with and I am happy about it. This should have a chance of winning!

Best Movie Reviewer
"And of course Situdouche dies. Thank god, cause I am now out of ways to combine Situation and douche."
"While they're fucking in 2002, everybody else goes outside where it's 1988 and...hell if I know what happened next."
"I guess a bunch of guys got their boner senses and flocked to this gas station."
Those are all words I WROTE! Now if that isn't the work of a damn good reviewer, then I dunno what is!

Funniest Writer
The year was 2006. The movie "Black Snake Moan" was just about to be released and LiveJournal was the Facebook of 2006. Someone in a MST3K group found out that some chick who was in a movie featured on MST3K had a LiveJournal and a lot of us flocked to her journal. Turns out, she's two things that I promise are not related to each other: 1. A Bitch and 2. A feminist. I'm sure there are feminists who aren't bitches, and I'm sure there are bitches who aren't feminists so I'm not saying there's a connection between the two. Anyway, this chick was dating this guy and he SWORE he too was a feminist. Now this I can tell you is bullshit because there are only two types of guys: 1. Guys who don't need to clam to be feminists to agree that women should be equal at all times and should be respected and 2. Guys who only want to fuck hot bitchy feminists so they PRETEND to be "male feminists". Anyway, you needed to know all of that for me to relay this next part. The Pretend Male Feminist makes a post on his LiveJournal about how "Black Snake Moan" was horrible and shouldn't feature Samuel L. Jackson chaining a woman to a radiator and how dare MEN come up with this movie and you should burn in hell for even THINKING about this movie. But here's the kicker: HE HADN'T SEEN THE GOD DAMN FUCKING MOVIE!!! So...WHAT THE FUCK!?!? What kind of douche does that? Does this guy NOT know the difference between fiction and real life? I mean, it's not a documentary. Sam Jackson didn't REALLY chain Christina Ricci to a radiator. And plus if the fucktard watched the movie, he would've learned WHY this happened: TO HELP HER! I...FUCK THIS GUY! Anyway, 2006 also corresponds with the year I started this blog and I had to write about it. I was pretty proud of what I wrote and decided to send it to the guy only to show him how much of a douche he is and well, he wasn't too happy about it. Anyway, to prove how much of a bitch and a dickhead these two were, a week later they posted on their separate LiveJournal's the two following things and I PROMISE I'm not making up: 1. People don't deserve to have weddings and how dare people ask for help in planning weddings and 2. People who can't have kids don't deserve to ask for help in adopting a child that I'm sure needs a parent. This was the final straw. I literally told them both to go fuck themselves with something rusty and removed them from my friends list. And that was the end of that.

Did you laugh at anything I just wrote? Cool.

Best Cupcakes
I do make a pretty damn good cupcake. Would you like one?

So, Dear LAMB members, if you haven't voted yet AND ONLY MEMBERS OF THE LAMB CAN DO THIS, please consider voting for me in any/all of the above categories. That would be fucking awesome.

Thank you.
-Jason

The People vs Jason Soto: Wolf Creek

A couple of weeks ago over at Man, I Love Films, I took it upon myself to review "Wolf Creek", which was a movie Co-Founder Kai sent to me. If you didn't read the review, just know that I HAAATED IT! I explained why in the review but I've been getting some criticism lately and I feel I need to explain myself a bit further.

I seriously have no problems with movies that take their time setting up a mood or pacing, if it's done right. A movie can take 20 or 30 minute setting up mood before all the crazy violent shit happens. But "Wolf Creek" took FIFTY FUCKING MINUTES before ANYTHING WORTH TALKING ABOUT happened! The first 50 minutes of this movie was (and I'm not kidding here):

-Dude buys car.
-Dude and chicks pack car.
-Dude, chicks, and people party.
-Dude and chicks get in car and drive.
-Dude and chicks take turns driving.
-Dude and one of the chicks like each other.
-Other chick tells dude this.
-Dude and chicks camp.
-Dude talks about aliens.
-Dude and chicks drive some more.
-Dude and chicks pull up into a creepy gas station.
-They get gas.
-They almost get into a fight.
-They leave.
-They arrive at the giant meteor hole
-Their car breaks down.
-They sit in car for awhile.

And then finally our villain shows up, pretends to be helpful, and yadda yadda yadda. With good editing, all that bullshit, which WASN'T IMPORTANT to the story, could've been cut down to 20-30 minutes tops. We get maybe a scene of the villain terrorizing a girl before everyone just scatters and the movie decides to be mean and have the dude act like fuckin' Jesus and show up everywhere to BE SURE these people die horribly.

Now to defend my decision to not finish the movie. It's a LONG fucking movie. I have no idea why it's so god damn long. I was hating this movie and just wanted it to end. And the part I think people don't read in my review is, I turned it off like 5 minutes before the actual ending. I got through 95% of the movie, realized pretty early on I hated the movie, and figured the ending was going to piss me off more cause very rarely in movies I hate do the endings change my mind.

And besides, I went on Wikipedia and read up on the ending. So I know what happens. I just couldn't finish it. I was sick of it by a certain point and was disgusted when the guy just shoots the girl and burns her in the car on the side of the road. Then it went to the dude that everybody forgot and I said "FUCK THIS I DON'T CARE ANYMORE" and turned it off.

I know I've been doing this for a long time but I swear I never claim to be a horror expert. There are people who are smarter than me when it comes to this shit. I'm more of a fan. People like reading my shit cause I'm funny and I put a spin on things, not cause I'm smart. I'll be the first to admit I'm fucking stupid. So I reviewed this movie not as a movie expert, not as a horror expert, not even as a critic, just a stupid American horror fan who likes certain types of movies. If this movie changed your life or helped you find a friend, that's awesome, I'm happy for you. Me? I will never, ever, EVER watch this movie again and I'm only keeping the DVD because it was a gift/prize and I respect the man who gave it to me.

With that said, listen to this awesome episode of The LAMBcast, will you?

The defense rests.
-Jason

Bikini Girls On Ice

Almost every day when I go flipping around Netflix for what to watch I see this movie called "Bikini Girls On Ice" and go "Oh my, that sounds fucking retarded...I must review that soon!" Well, today's the day, folks! And I gotta be honest with you, it's not AS retarded as I thought it was gonna be.

You know you got a slasher movie on your hands when the opening shows a girl who'll never be important to the movie ever again after this opening scene. She shows up at this broke down gas station, wearing a bikini, and looks for help cause her cell phone went out. She calls a friend using a-GASP-LAND LINE AND DOUBLE GASP IT'S A ROTARY PHONE! I'm sure in real life, this chick would look at this thing and go "Uh...how do I slide to unlock?"

After calling her friend about bikini issues, she goes back to her car to find someone chained her bumper to...something off camera. And because women don't know how cars work, she doesn't understand how to simply undo the chain from the bumper and therefore she's killed by a dude who looks like a greasy Jared Padalecki (the tall guy from "Supernatural"), and then to live up to the title, Sam Winchester puts the girl on ice.

Well, that's one girl in a bikini on ice. Just need one more and the title will make sense.

Now we meet Jenna, who's a smart college girl who normally doesn't wear bikinis. Despite this character flaw, she's pretty ok in my book. She gets offers to join schools all over the country! Like University of Lordia! And Aarvard! WOW! Best I can do is get an offer from University of Honix. Anyway, her roommate Samantha (or Sam) LOVES wearing bikinis! And buys one for Jenna! So she can be part of the awesome bikini group that's happening. So what is happening?

Some hot girls at this college we never learn the name of want to organize a car wash and it's run by this somewhat hot but extremely BITTTTTTCHY girl who wants to do this for...pretty much no reason. I mean WHY NOT? It's an excuse to get hot girls in bikini's. So whatever. Anyway, the bitchy girl bosses around this guy named Blake, who looks like a poor man's Shia LaBeaouf. And you have problems if you're the POOR MAN's Shia LaBeaouf.

So yadda yadda yadda Blake wants to fuck the bitchy chick, one of Blake's friends wants to fuck Jenna, a bunch of other hot chicks in bikinis want to show cleavage. There's a lesbian couple and...

Hello? Hello! HEY!! I know, I got lost too when that scene came up!

Anyway, while going to where they were gonna host this car wash, the bus breaks down at the GAS STATION OF DOOM!!! and decide FUCK IT! Let's have it here! And oddly enough, cars actually come by. I guess a bunch of guys got their boner senses and flocked to this gas station. While the car wash is going on, Jared Winchester there kills some lesser characters, including a dog. When the cast starts getting down to counting them on one hand, it becomes night time and everybody wants to leave. Bitchy girl blames Blake for EVERYTHING for no reason reason, especially when he goes missing.

After this point, it turns into your standard slasher. I'll talk about the killer. His name is Moe. I'm serious. This guy's name is Moe. And after he kills someone, he puts their body on ice. This is never explained. When he kills the bitchy chick (YAY!!!!!), he cuts off her bikini top and then that's all we get. Is he harvesting organs? Is he trying to preserve them so he can fuck them? It's never explained.

Eventually, it's down to Jenna and Sam and they manage to find a car that was down the road, get in, and drive away. But they hear a banging in the trunk and Jenna MUST stop to check it out. Hey guess what? It's Moe. And no, I have no idea how he manage to get AHEAD of them and get into the trunk WITHOUT keys but whatever. Moe kills Sam and knocks Jenna out. She wakes up in a tub of ice, runs from Moe a bunch more, and then the old guy that's in EVERY SLASHER MOVIE that warns about the killer shows up to kill the killer while Jenna gets away. And of course, there's a twist ending. The end!

As you can tell, it's your run-of-the-mill slasher. There's one scene with tits and you barely see them, so it's a bit of a let down. But if you're in the mood for a dumb slasher movie with some hot chicks, then I say check this out. I will say MOST of the girls aren't that attractive but eh, what do you want? They have nice tits anyway.

Christ, I'm not winning any points with the feminists, aren't I?


-Jason

Jason's Awesome DVD Shelf #2

New episode of "Jason's Awesome DVD Shelf", where I talk about a DVD I found, some I won, and others I bought. Enjoy!

ANNOUNCEMENT: Old Skool Summer!

I'm setting up to record Episode 2 of "Jason's Awesome DVD Shelf" (coming soon) and as I was scanning my DVD's I realized there's a shit ton of movies there that I haven't even seen yet, or been meaning to rewatch to re-do a review. Then I realize why:

Fucking Netflix! I have all these movies that I've never seen at my fingertips that I just ignore all the ones I paid good hard earned money on, so what's the point of having an awesome DVD collection if I'm gonna be part of the problem and use Netflix!

So I'm announcing right now that starting in June and going all summer long, I'm going Motherfuckin' Old School on your asses! Fuck yeah! I'm gonna cancel my Netflix subscription and only watch and review movies I have on DVD. And better yet...any movies I WANNA see or review I'm gonna RENT them. I KNOW! RENT A MOVIE?!?! EGADS I MUST'VE LOST MY FUCKING MIND!!!

(Right now all the 20-year-olds who come to my site are like "Wait, you're gonna LEAVE your place to GET a movie? NOOB!")

I don't have any particular movies in mind yet but I know I got a lot of hidden gems on my shelf. Oh, and I'll be doing this for my reviews at Man, I Love Films as well. So look out for that, coming soon!
-Jason

Yellowbrickroad

Normally, I listen to music while writing reviews but I think I'm gonna pass this time. "Yellowbrickroad" is pure definition of a B-Movie. I don't know what their budget was (Me? Research? Surely you jest!) but it couldn't have been more than 50 dollars. And that's not even in insult to the film. 90% of the movie was in the forest, hardly any CGI was used, and it's only soundtrack was public domain music.

Sometime in the 1940's, a bunch of people in the town of Prior got up and started walking North for reasons nobody knows and in present day (2010) a husband and wife team named Teddy and Melissa want to know what was up. So they set forth to begin their own expedition, but since it's the 21st century, they bring along a shitload of people and devices to help track the way, like GPS and...maps?

We're introduced to a brother and sister team of "map experts", a guy who's a wildlife expert, a doctor of medicine and psychology, and some other chick because she's hot I guess. Well, she is hot but I really don't know why she came along besides to annoy the characters later.

They arrive at Prior and instead of finding the start of the trail the old townspeople took, they find a movie theater. Inside the theater is Liv, a local girl who thinks what Teddy is doing is exciting and begs to come with, saying her Grandfather knew some of the people who disappeared. She shows them the real start of the trail and so begins their quest.

It starts out normal enough then one night, they start hearing music in the forest. Sadly, it isn't this:



Or this:



Or even this:



Instead it's, well, 1940's music. And everybody is weirded out and fascinated by this. But around day 2 of hearing it non-stop, it starts driving people a bit crazy. And then things start breaking down when the brother kills his sister over something stupid and it's not just a simple kill, he goes NUTS, even ripping her leg off. Soon it's revealed that the brother was slowly going crazy and wrote down a bunch of gibberish in his logs that were suppose to be used to get back home.

Then things get creepier when the music suddenly gets louder, then softer, then it sounds like someone suddenly removed the needle, and then the sound gets crazy for a good solid five minutes where there's nothing but a piercing screeching noise. It comes to an end when they find the sister's body all mangled and posted like a scarecrow. The brother manages to escape.

Realizing things are getting fucked, some people want to go a different direction than North. This includes the wildlife guy and Liv, who reveals she lied about her Grandfather and just wanted to come along for fun. So they split up, then Teddy and Melissa fuck and then THEY split up and soon the pointless girls eats all the candy and kills herself, leaving Melissa and the doctor alone.

Phew. I know I just dropped a lot on you, but I'm doing it at a much quicker pace than the movie. Eventually, wildlife guy and Liv eat some wild berries, get high, and soon wildlife guy wants Liv to kill him, which she does. The brother kills Melissa, while the doctor kills himself, and Liv kills the brother and-

Fuck, we need a flowchart for this movie.

Make sense now?

Ok, so now it's just Teddy and he's crawling along until...he gets to the movie theater. A creepy guy comes out, tells him he's made it to the end and to go take a seat, his "picture" is about to begin. Then we get some ghosts sitting in the theater while Melissa's dead body flashes on the screen and Teddy freaks out and that's pretty much it.

I know I go on and on about slow paced movies where NOTHING happens for a stretch, but here it actually kinda worked. I will admit my biggest fear is getting lost in the woods and not only were they lost but fucking creepy old timey music started playing and the fact it wasn't explained why the town went down the path to begin with, if maybe this is exactly what happened to begin with, and just the fact people were calmly going crazy. This movie really isn't for everybody and I probably won't watch it again but I think considering the small amount of money they had, they came up with a good spooky story and made an interesting looking film.



-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #32: Oh Japan...You So Crazy

This is a very special episode for many reasons. Jason and Nolahn take on "Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl" and not only do we discover a fetish Jason never knew he had, but Nolahn gives us a first.

Shark Attack Blog-A-Thon(g): Shark Night

So I'm gonna declare right now that this is going to be the last of the shark movies for awhile. I'm getting kinda tired of them and I think I need to review other things. I'll probably come back to them at the end of summer (we'll see) so to close us out for Spring, let's take a look at last summer's "blockbuster" "Shark Night", which was in 3-D.

This movie not only stars Joel David Moore, an actor who needs to fire his agent STAT!, but also singing sensation Katherine McPhee! Yeah, I'm not even kidding about that. I have no idea why she's in this movie honestly. Her character didn't sing. She was pretty much a giant slut though. So maybe that had something to do with it.

Well, the movie starts off like a slasher movie. A douchey couple is alone in the water at some lake when we get a "homage" to "Jaws" when the girl is violently shaken (or is it shook?) then eventually dies. No word on what happened to the guy but who cares! It's time to meet our cast!

There's the black guy who's name was stereotypical black guy name like Jamal or something. There's Sarah, the ever delicate girl who hasn't been with a guy yet, Jamal's girlfriend who is in two scenes, the hunky nerd, and the hunky nerd's friend played by Joel David Moore. The hunky nerd is Mark or Nick or something bland and white like that and honestly, no nerd ever looks like this. It's like casting Ryan Gosling as a nerd.

Anyway, Nerdy Mark helped Jamal pass a test so they're gonna celebrate by going to Sarah's beach house. Where's this beach house? SO FUCKING FAR AWAY IT TAKES THEM 15 MINUTES OF MOVIE TIME TO GET THERE! We get a shot of the truck driving down the highway, then it stops at a gas station where we meet Tucker and Dale.

No wait, sorry. We meet Red and Dennis, two locals who decide to pick on Jamal for the obvious reasons. But apparently Sarah and Dennis has a history and they leave without lynching anybody. Then they get to a pier where they're greeted by Sheriff Donal Logue. I guess he's friends with Sarah too and thinks her drinking while driving a boat is hilarious.

Then we get the late '80s/early '90s montage of the gang having fun at the beach house, on this lake, that you can only get back and forth from on a boat, oh and for good measure cell phones don't work out here and they never thought about putting a land line or maybe a FUCKING CB RADIO IN THE GOD DAMN HOUSE!

Jamal decides to go water skiing when a shark decides to show up and chomp on him. Everyone thinks Nerdy Mark ran him over, which I can see cause when you're on a lake you don't expect sharks, I suppose.  And for whatever reason, the shark only bites off his arm and swims away. And it doesn't even eat the arm! Mark finds it later so what the fuck was the point of that?

Thank god Mark is a med student because otherwise Jamal would die. Actually, what would've happened if Mark wasn't there? Would Joel David Moore just try to tape it back on his body with duct tape and continue playing beer pong with Katherine McPhee? Would Jamal's girlfriend who is so unimportant that when she died everyone just kinda shrugged their shoulders actually be important to the story? Maybe SHE was a med student who dropped out and would remember something. OH! Or she watched a lot of "Grey's Anatomy" while masturbating to McDreamy or whatever and picked up something in between orgasms?

Maybe?

Sorry, I'm just writing a better movie in my head. Back to this shitfest.

They all get on the boat to get help but the shark starts chasing them and soon knocks out the motor, which causes the boat to lose control. Mark, Sarah, and Jamal all jump out of the boat just in time to watch it explode before it actually touched anything. So that took care of that. What's left?

Well, a boat just happens to come along later in the night (the SHARK NIGHT if you will) and hey look, it's the two rednecks from earlier, Red and Dennis. They seem suddenly sympathetic to Jamal's problem and offer to take Katherine McPhee and Joel David Moore to the sheriff for help. But then A TWIST!! In the middle of the lake, the rednecks turn the boat off and reveal THEY raised the sharks themselves! A-WHA?!?!?!

Now why would they do that? It's explained later and when I tell you, you're gonna want to stab your computer screens. Blind people, if you have someone reading my reviews to you, please don't take it out on them. And I'm sorry, person reading things to the blind person, for all the horrible things you had to say in the past.

So Dennis shoots Joel David Moore and he's able to swim to safety for a moment until a shark JUMPS OUT OF THE WATER to eat him. Yeah... Next, Red and Dennis make Katherine McPhee get naked. Oh fuck me, this is rated PG-13 so we only see her in her underwear. Ugh. Well, it was still nice to look at. OH! And Katherine McPhee managed to hide a knife earlier and manages to stab Red but he totally plays off being stabbed like "PFFT! I can't be stabbed, American Idol bitch!" and throws her in the shark infested waters.

Jamal finds out about the death of his unimportant girlfriend and in a scene that made me call my black girlfriend into the room, had Jamal standing on the shore HOLDING A SPEAR! Yeah, neither one of us knew what to say about that. But she pointed out to me that Jamal was just hiding his bitten arm under his shirt and it was CLEARLY OBVIOUS so that was also good for a laugh.

When Jamal passes out, one of Sarah's friends comes up with the bright idea to strap him to a water ski and go get help. Mid-way through, Jamal looks behind him and finds sharks following them. Realizing life kinda sucks now, he unstraps himself and gets eaten by the sharks. And then one of the sharks just randomly jumps out of the water and eats the guy. I really don't think sharks jump out and eat people on jet skis but whatever.

Ok so Sheriff Donal Logue shows up and instantly I said "He's in on the shark thing, he's on the shark thing, he's in on the shark thing" and wouldn't ya know it, he's in on the shark thing! He knocks Sarah, Nerdy Mark, and Sarah's dog and takes them to the boat. OH! And it's revealed that Sarah use to go out with Dennis before leaving for college and on the day before she left, she almost drowned and as a result a propeller landed in Dennis' face, scaring him forever or some shit like that.

So naturally, Dennis wants to kill Sarah while Sheriff Donal Logue gets to kill Mark. But not before he tells him why they bought sharks to this lake. Person reading my reviews to the blind, get ready to defend yourself. There are cameras strapped to the sharks, yes all of them, and these three geniuses decide to take the footage of sharks eating people and sell them to the Discovery Channel for Shark Week.

That's it. That's what's going on here. That's the WHOLE FUCKING REASON THIS MOVIE is happening to begin with: so these three assholes can be on Shark Week!! FUCK IT blind people, start beating your readers. Sorry, readers.

First off, I doubt the Discovery Channel is going to air people's murders. I know they show people ALMOST dying a lot, especially during shark week, but actual people getting eaten? And then it's not that easy to get on Shark Week. Most of the people on Shark Week are shark experts OR shark victims OR sometimes both! So what the fuck?

Well, Mark manages to escape from Sheriff Donal Logue by setting him on fire then feeding him to the sharks, Dennis covers Sarah in chum and puts her in the water, and when Mark shows up to save Sarah, Dennis accidentally stabs Red. OH NOW knives effect him. Jesus. The ending's just whatever, you know Mark saves Sarah and the shark eats Dennis in an ironic twist and to further showcase how fucking retarded this movie is, the shark jumps out of the water one last time.

And that's "Shark Night". It's laughable at times but not enough to make it worth watching. It's just stupid, annoying, and a giant waste of time. I feel sorry for people who paid to see this in 3-D cause it was just a waste of money. Even the stuff that's worth seeing in 3-D couldn't save this movie. Just dumb and avoid at all costs.



-Jason
(PS: My apologizes if the guy's name wasn't Jamal. I honestly couldn't remember and it was more offensively stereotypical than that.)

The Post In Which I Guess How Nick Jobe Will React

So if you don't know, for some reason, Mr. Nicholas Jobe over at Random Ramblings of a Demented Doorknob, is in the middle of his 50/50 where he asked people to suggest movies for him to watch. Coming up in May, it'll be my month! I got excited and gave Nick my list of movies and now that it's coming up next week, I can't wait! But anytime I suggested a movie to Nick, I tend to oversell it and he ends going "Meh" and gets pissed off at me. So I'm not gonna say anything to Nick about any of the movies.

At least to him. Instead, I'll try to figure it out in this post and at the end of the month, see if I'm right! And hopefully Nick will resist the urge to read this until the end of the month so he too can see if I'm right.

First up, he'll be taking on "The Re-Animator".

Why I Think Nick Will Like It: He LOVES zombie films and this is a fucking awesome zombie film. But...
Why I Think Nick WON'T Like It: He seems to only like traditional zombie films and this isn't a traditional zombie film. In fact, he told me he hates "Return of the Living Dead" only because the zombies talk. And in this movie, the zombies talk but they do a WHOLE lot more. So maybe all the craziness will win Nick over.
My Verdict: He'll like it but have problems with it.

Next: "Lone Wolf McQuade"

Why I Think Nick Will Like It: He likes dumb action films, at least most of the time. And it's really ridiculous.
Why I Think Nick WON'T Like It: I'm not sure if he's seen a Chuck Norris film before and if he knows how stupid they can be. Plus as much as I love Nick like a brother, he does have the problem of not turning his brain off at times and this is a movie you don't need a brain for. BUT! There's the one awesome scene that I won't describe in case Nick does read this that I think he'll go "Oh ok, this movie is awesome".
My Verdict: This will have the middle of the road rating, which will upset me cause it's fucking Chuck Norris vs David Carradine! C'mon!

"Monster Squad"

Why I Think Nick Will Like It: It's good goofy fun.
Why I Think Nick WON'T Like It: I think I made a mistake actually. You actually need to see this movie when you're a kid, then forget about it for 20 years, then rediscover it as an adult. It's more of a nostalgic film than anything else and Nick won't have that factor cause, well, he didn't see it. Watching this movie for the first time as an adult is probably going to be tricky. But again, he'll probably surprise me.
My Verdict: Gut feeling tells me he'll hate it but we'll see.

"Escape From New York"

Why I Think Nick Will Like It: It's fucking Kurt Russell as a bad ass! This is the epitome of a bad ass motherfucking movie. If he hates this movie, he has problems.
Why I Think Nick WON'T Like It: Due to everybody telling him "YOU NEED TO SEE THIS MOVIE NOW!!!" and having the overhype-ness running around in his brain.
My Verdict: He'll probably have to watch it again. I know he hates those words.

"Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives"

Why I Think Nick Will Like It: It's fucking goofy as hell! It's unlike any other "Friday the 13th" film that even if he hates the series, he should love this movie.
Why I Think Nick WON'T Like It: He better like it! God damn it!
My Verdict: BEST MOVIE EVER!!!

Ok, those are my guesses. We'll see how he does at the end of the month. In the meantime, I was on the newest episode of The Demented Podcast where we talked about "Scream" and "Behind The Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon" and I attempted The Tower again. I'm just gonna tell you now, I fucking SUCKED at  The Tower, but you can go here and try to find the episode.

ALSO! As you know, I was on The Vlog, so Nick got all of us "actors" together to do commentary on the overall series and it was a fucking load of fun. You can listen to the craziness here.
-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #31: Trollin' For Fun

In this episode of The Lair of the Unwanted, Jason and Nolahn bring on Lindsay and Jess from French Toast Sunday to talk about a fan favorite "Troll 2". Then they take on The Game of the Unwanted! OOH!!!

Shark Attack Blog-A-Thon(g): Sharktopus

Oh...Roger Corman. How I love thee. You been making movies since the 1950's and you don't show any signs of slowing down. And I love how that name is so popular that I shouldn't have to explain who the man is. He's so famous that regular smucks who want to make, say, a giant shark/octopus movie go to him for tips on how to make it under budget. Cause really, who's gonna give a movie about a hybrid shark/octopus ANY money? Syfy? PFFT!!

Anyway. "Sharktopus".

Film starts in L.A as a bunch of hot people run around a beach. Two girls are arguing over texting while on the beach. One girl gives up and goes into the water. Many gratuitous shots of girl getting wet when we see....a regular shark. Oh. Maybe it's gonna fuck an octopus and-

Oh no. The sharktopus, or S-11 as it's called in the movie, appears, kills the shark, giving the hot girl enough time to get back to land. We find out S-11 was created by Eric Roberts and his hot daughter Nicole. They created it for the Navy as a way to chase bad guys in International waters. But it's not suppose to kill anyone just hunt them and scare them a bit.

But Eric Roberts said "fuck that shit! I'm Eric Roberts!" and redesigned the sharktopus to KILL! KILL! KILL!!!!! So needless to say, it breaks loose. Eric Roberts wants the creature back and will do ANYTHING to get it back ALIVE! So he hires this guy named Andy who use to work for him back in the day. But Andy demanded he actually gets paid to work so Eric Roberts fired him. Blah! Eric Roberts only hires slaves! Don't you know anything?

(God if anyone ever Googles "Eric Roberts slave" I'm gonna be a hit!)

Anyway, they send for Andy, who's partying it up in a pool with some babes. They tell him S-11 is out and Andy is like "give me half a million dollars and I'm in!" Meanwhile, the Navy wants Eric Roberts to hurry the hell up and capture the thing before it kills too many people and word gets around that the Navy let a creature loose.

We then meet Stacy, a hot reporter chick and her camera guy Bones. Stacy is looking for this guy named, I dunno, Drunky, who reported the sharktopus to her and now she's here to get her story. Drunky tells her everything she wants to know after Stacy made it rain. I'm not even kidding, she did a total "dude in a strip club" move when she was giving Drunky money.

In between these scenes, we get shots of the sharktopus killing random people, mainly on beaches and mainly while dangling from somewhere like a bungee cord and a zip line. And for whatever reason, Eric Roberts said "fuck this" and spends the rest of the movie on a yacht, just talking to Nicole on the phone while the movie turns into "24".

The following takes places between "chomp" and "gulp".

Nicole uses her laptop to track the S-11 and it doesn't do any fucking good cause she's always like "I lost the signal!" then it pops up behind them. One of Andy's friends gets killed by the sharktopus and he loses his mind and decides it's time to kill the fucker.

While Drunky takes Stacy to where he found the sharktopus, Stacy decides all of a sudden she doesn't believe in sharktopus'. WAIT! Then why the fuck are you there?!? Well, she believes again when it pops up, attacks some people on a beach, and then later eats Drunky.

We also meet Captain Jack, a DJ who opened his own radio station on his boat. He's played by Ralph Garman, if you know who that is. I guess it's super easy to start your own radio station. And he's got a hot producer chick who wears a bikini. She tells Jack about the sharktopus but he doesn't believe her until he gets eaten by it. NO! Who's Kevin Smith gonna tour with now?!

Eric Roberts just keeps getting drunk on his yacht, which I'm sure wasn't originally in the movie but y'know it's Eric Roberts, what the fuck you gonna do? When he finds out Andy is gonna kill the S-11, he goes to find Andy to stop him. But sadly, the sharktopus kills him. Before he dies, he tells Nicole how to kill the sharktopus, which involves some weird techy thing inside it's brain.

So all our "main" characters meet up finally and they team up to stop the sharktopus. But then the movie did something I wasn't expecting. It kills Bones and then Stacy! I was like "WOW!" we spent a lot of time with these people and they just die right here at the end?? AMAZING!

Andy manages to shoot the sharktopus and distract it while Nicole figures out Eric Robert's password. Try "booze"! That's probably it!! It's not, but you know what it is cause it's what he's been calling Nicole the entire movie: pumpkin. Yeah, he's one of THOSE fathers!

Anyway, the sharktopus explodes and that's it. Oh, there are two meta moments in the movie, one involving Jack and one at the end here. The one with Jack has him telling his hot producer chick that the whole "sharktopus" would make a great movie and it should be about a former researcher/Navy SEAL hired to track it down. And the one at the end is about the ending of the movie. It's kinda weird but awesome.

So this movie isn't anything special but holy fuck is it a lot of fun! It's really bad. I mean REALLY bad. It's full of corny lines, and Andy has a lot of scenes where he goes "DAMN YOU SHARKTOPUS!!" and everything. It's funny. I only wish this wasn't made for TV cause it could've used some nudity and some "fucks" or "motherfuckers" in there. But other than that, I say check this out sometime! It's fun!



And Nolahn of the Bargain Bin Review was nice enough to do a review of "Deep Blue Sea" for his site. I waited too long to post it and I apologize to him but now here it is in it's full glory!
-Jason

Pull Up A Chair, I Got Loads To Tell You

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Jason's Awesome DVD Shelf #1

Yes, I'm gonna try another video series. But this one should be easier. I explain everything in the video so check it out.



-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #30: That '70s Exploitation Show

In this episode of The Lair of the Unwanted, Jason and Nolahn discuss a film.