Thursday, April 29, 2010

Freddy's Coming For You! New Nightmare

I'm glad we're now in the titles that aren't 40 words long. Posting these links on Twitter was killing me.

So we are finally at "New Nightmare". Here's my experience watching this at the age of 14:
"Uh huh uh huh uh huh uh huh where's Freddy? Uh huh uh huh OH! Oh. Uh huh uh huh...grr.."

Pretty much my thoughts are the same except this time "I get it". This movie is peppered with in jokes from the series.

It opens with the filming of a Freddy movie and we're on set with Heather Langenkamp and Wes Craven, both playing themselves. In this movie, Freddy's glove is mechanical and it goes haywire. It kills the two Special Effects geeks and starts going after Heather's son Dylan.

Oh crap, a horror movie with a kid. I'm ready to hate this movie.

This all turns out to be a dream Heather's having. In the real world, there's an Earthquake. After the quake is over, Heather's husband Chase leaves for work. And holy hell is Heather a nervous bitch in the first 20 minutes of this movie. I guess for good reason. The following things happen:
-Dylan's prized stuff dinosaur Rex got slashed, Freddy style.
-Heather's wall got slashed, Freddy style.
-She keeps getting stalkerish phone calls.
-She's got a whiny brat for a son.

Heather is also on her way to a TV interview, to talk about life post-"Elm Street". The only thing worth noting was she on "Just the 10 of Us", which I get the feeling I'm the only one that even remembers that. During the interview, Robert Englund comes out as Freddy and addresses the fan boys. And here he ham's it up.

After the TV show, the real producer of the "Elm Street" movies Robert Shaye approaches Heather to reprise the role of Nancy in a new Freddy movie....even though her character died. They seem to only address the fact that Freddy died but not the fact her character died. Anyway, Heather says no.

She returns home and find Dylan having weird attacks or something. Heather calls Chase to come home and even though he says he'll be home in 3 hours, it's suddenly the middle of the night and Chase is driving, trying not to fall asleep. But the mechanical Freddy glove attacks Chase's crotch, causing him to drive off the highway, killing him.

At the funeral, there's another Earthquake and the coffin pops open. Dylan stupidly crawls in there and Freddy appears, taking the kid. This all turns out to be a dream Nancy is having. And at this funeral are several people from all the "Nightmare" movies! There's John Saxon! The kid that played Nick in the first movie! And...other people. Johnny Depp is missing, only cause Wes Craven pussied out and didn't ask him to be in this movie.

So you're probably asking yourself "Ok, so this is suppose to be taking place in the real world, what the fuck is going on?" Good question. Heather visits Wes Craven and he's working on the new script. But he tells her that the whole reason he came up with Freddy was to defeat this demon thing. The demon took the form of Freddy and was subdued by all the films. Now that the films have stopped, the demon is trying to come back to Earth, in the form of Freddy. And it seems to take a liking to Dylan.

Y'know this is why I don't like kids in horror movies. They're the damn cause for everything in movies. It's like "we can't think of any plot devices, so let's make it a kid". Like Chase. He only died cause Heather was like "Dylan's sick". Good job, you killed your dad, kid.

Robert Englund is plagued by dreams as well and he expresses himself through paintings. When the man playing Freddy is having fucked up dreams, you should be worried.

So basically, this Demon Freddy is trying to cross over and he's using Dylan to do so. Heather takes Dylan to the hospital where the entire staff thinks Heather is crazy cause she keeps saying things like "Freddy's after him!" A nurse more or less theatens to take Dylan away from her if she keeps acting up.

Dylan meanwhile is being watched by babysitter Julie and the funniest scene in the whole movie happens here. Heather told Julie to make sure Dylan doesn't fall asleep but these two nurses have other plans. One nurse goes to Dylan and the other is putting something in a needle. Julie stops the one with the needle but the one by Dylan has the real one and injects him with sleepyjuice. Julie is pissed about this and just fucking punches the shit out of the fake needle nurse. It's awesome.

Too bad Demon Freddy is now here and he kills Julie. Dylan, who's now sleepwalking, walks home to get Rex. This involves crossing the freeway. There's a big action scene with Dylan and Heather crossing the freeway and cars piling up. Dylan makes it home where John Saxon is waiting.

Yes, according to this movie, Heather Langenkamp and John Saxon hang out. All the time. Maybe that's true, Wes Craven DID write this movie, but I just don't see it. Whatever. Anyway, here reality slowly starts slipping and soon Heather and John turn into their "Elm Street" characters and Heather's house turns into Nancy's house, with Dylan lost inside somewhere. John leaves and it's up to Heather/Nancy to save Dylan.

Heather goes inside and finds a trail of pills leading to Dylan's bed. Heather realizes this is Dylan's way of telling her where he is so she starts gulping the pills down. Man, this is offensive. A washed up actress from an 80's franchise swallowing sleeping pills like candy. Really?

Soon, she ends up in...wherever this Demon lives. Heather finds Wes' script and it turns into a meta moment where the point in the script is exactly what's happening in the movie at that point. It's weird. Dylan appears and soon enough so does Demon Freddy.

There's a chase scene, a fight scene, and a hiding scene. Demon Freddy is trying to grab Dylan in this small room. Heather comes running at him with a knife she bought with her and literally stabs him in the fucking dick. OUCH! Then she pushes him into the room and then...ok I have a question for Wes Craven.

Wes, are you obsessed with tongues or something? In the first movie (which you wrote), a tongue comes out of a phone. In the third movie (Which you wrote) tongue tie up Joey. And now in this movie, Demon Freddy's tongue is like 20 miles long and starts wrapping itself around Heather. Dylan shows up and stabs at the tongue, causing it to roll up into Freddy's mouth. Then they lock him in the room and turn on the fire. The fire causes Freddy to turn into his demon form, until it explodes. Soon, Heather and Dylan are back home. Heather finds Wes' script, which is for this exact movie, and she starts reading it. The end.

Wow. I have no idea what the fuck I just watched, then wrote about. AGAIN, this movie was just ok. The set up was a bit too long. About 20 minutes in I was like "Ok, Freddy's coming into the real world, let's get on with it." I tried to be patient but it's like hearing a story, but the person explains the beginning over and over again and you're just like "Ok, get to the point already!" I'm glad I'm almost done with this series. I'm not too thrilled by it overall. The next one, I know I like already. Yeah. I said it.


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