Friday, April 30, 2010

Freddy's Coming For You! A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

Here it be. The final day of this blog-a-thon and the review for the remake that probably should never have happened, but god forbid kids today watch a 26-year-old movie, what with the people having the big hair and listening to walk-mans and watching non-cable/non-reality TV. And people nowadays aren't named GLEN! Or TINA! Or GOD FORBID NICK! I mean NICK! Really?? That's SUCH a 1980's name!

Alright, sorry. I'm almost 30. I about to get shuttled to the retirement home. Before I do, here's my review of "A Nightmare on Elm Street" (2010).

A kid named...fuck I forgot...what's a 2010 name? Blaster? Sure, let's go with that. Blaster is in a diner and he fell asleep. He dreams of being in the diner and soon a man with a burnt face and knives for fingers show up and is about to slash him when Nancy wakes Blaster up. Oh, so Nancy is still around? What about Kourntey? Or Paris? Whatever.

Nancy tells Blaster not to fall asleep again. Then Nancy super hot friend Tina Kris arrives and talks to Blaster. At the other table are some dudes named Jesse and Quentin. Jesse use to fuck Kris but now she wants to fuck Blaster. I can't blame her with a name like that. Jesse is an asshole and he leave violently. Quentin has the hots for Nancy.

Kris leaves to buy some condoms for Blaster when he falls asleep. Freddy shows up and stabs Blaster in the neck, killing him. Kris is forced to hump a lamp post. At Blaster's funeral, Kris notices a picture of Blaster as a kid and sees her in the background. She's confused by this since she didn't meet Blaster until high school.

Kris looks through some pictures of her as a kid and find some missing. Her mother (also hot as fuck) is a flight attendant and is leaving. Kris wants to investigate further so she goes into the attic. There, Freddy is waiting. Before he strikes, she wakes up.

Ugh! What happened to once a kid meets Freddy, he kills thems and they're dead. This chick fell asleep, met Freddy, and woke up like 3 times before she finally got killed. Jesse shows up at Kris' and wants to spend the night cause he's having nightmares too. Kris falls asleep and she dies the same way Tina did in the original, with the asshole boyfriend right there. Scared, Jesse runs away to Nancy's house, when the cops show up and arrest him for murder. Jesse must now stay awake. Not fear of being killed from Freddy, but of being butt raped.

Nancy realizes her Mom is hiding something so she and Quentin investigate. They're both having nightmares of Freddy in a school that isn't their high school and wonder what's up with that? After more digging, Nancy finds an envelope her mother stashed somewhere in the house. In the envelope was a picture of everybody from pre-school. Nancy and Quentin are confused cause they don't remember this happening.

Quentin is now at swim practice and while swimming, he falls asleep (thanks to this movie introducing a concept called micronaps, where your brain makes you sleep even if you're awake) and he ends up in the past and learns the truth.

Fred Kreuger was a janitor at the pre-school and all the kids loved him. Then slowly, all the kids started acting weird and coming home with weird marks on their bodies. All the kids said Freddy touched them. The parents got pissed and chased Freddy to a boiler room, where they burned him alive. Wrap your head around THAT!

So Quentin wakes up and he and Nancy tell their parents they know what they did and think they killed an innocent man. Nancy looks to see what the other students in the picture are up to and they're all dead. One kid, who grew up to be a blogger, blogged about his dreams and how Freddy wants to show him something in the school's basement. So now Nancy and Quentin have to get to the school to look in the basement.

On the way, Nancy has a micronap where Freddy slashes her and she brings out of her dream a piece of his sweater. Quentin is trying to get some stay awake pills but he's turned down, so when they treat Nancy's cuts at the hospital, he steals some adrenaline and injects himself with some to stay awake.

Eventually, they end up at the school and head into the basement. There, they learn that Freddy REALLY did touch them as kids and he's pissed that the kids told their parents. So now it's up to Nancy to bring him into "our" world and stop him. You can probably guess what happens.

So this movie, much like "Halloween" and "Friday the 13th" before it, falls into the problem of "if there wasn't an original, this movie would be alright". I get that they updated the story a bit, but why change the Freddy character? What's wrong with a mass child molester/killer? I guess it is more common that them types are secretive about it and it is normally the nice guy everyone trusts. Which is why I act shady around kids all the time anyway. If I act nice, people assume I'm a molester. Made that one date rather awkward...


They kept in some of the classic stuff like Nancy falling asleep in the tub and the glove popping out of the water, and Tina Kris being dragged through the halls of the school. I wish they kept in Glen's death, which was one of the cooler things about the first movie. Oh and I swear to god Quentin is played by Robert Patterson's brother. And Jesse looked like Jared Leto. I'm not even kidding.

Overall, this movie wasn't too bad. Why it took forever for Freddy to kill the kids is a mystery. Even though they kept in the "bring him from the dream world" thing, the ending was kinda dumb. Plus they didn't figure in the "Home Alone" style traps. That would've been cool. As for Jackie Earl Harley Whatever, he was pretty good as Freddy. I guess if SOMEBODY had to be Freddy, and Robert Englund wasn't around, he would be a good replacement.

Now that I'm done reviewing every single "Nightmare" film, I need to get some sleep...


1 comment:

Sebastian Gutierrez said...

Haha! Blaster! That's good! I disagree with you though. Haley was great as Freddy, bringing a lot of menace to the role. He was actually 'gasp' scary. So good compared to the shit the kids turned in.