Friday, April 23, 2010
Freddy's Coming For You! Day 2: Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy's Revenge
I'm only up to the second movie and I can confidently say this is the worst movie in the series. I'm sure the later ones are going to have some redeeming qualities, but this one...this one should have never existed.
I'm guessing the problem is they had no fucking idea how to follow up such a classic. I mean the ending was kinda ambigous. Plus I guess Heather Lagenkamp (Where's she at in your Hot Women of the 80's Tournament, Fletch? HUH? HUH??) didn't wanna be in the sequel for some reason, so they had to hire this asshat guy to take the lead.
The film starts with a school bus driving down the road and I notice it's being driven by a normal looking Robert Englund. I already see where this is going. The bus is dropping off kids one by one until it's only Jesse, our asshat lead, and two chicks who make fun of Jesse cause he's annoying. The bus decides to take a detour: TO HELL!!
Ok, not really. But that would've been cool. Instead the bus goes to the desert and the driver turns to Freddy Krueger. Parts of the ground starts dissappering and before it falls through the earth, Jesse wakes up.
Jesse and his family moved into Nancy's house and Jesse is the new kid. He already met a girl named Lisa (Let's see how long I can restrain myself before making the obvious joke most people are making now) and he sort of has a friend named Grady. The problem with the movie happens in this bulk of the movie: NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS!
I said the first movie shit happened constantly and we were engulfed by the story. Here, the story takes a backseat to Jesse and Lisa trying to hook up, Jesse and Grady running afoul of their gym coach, and Jesse constantly waking up covered in sweat. Jesus, this dude sweats more than ME.
We sorta bounce back from time to time to Jesse walking to the basement and finding Freddy's glove. Freddy shows up and says he needs his help and then Jesse screams like a girl and wakes up. After that, I don't know what the fuck happened.
Some point after that, Jesse and Freddy merges and we get hilarious lines like "He's in me!" or "He's trying to get inside me!" Lisa, who instantly believes this new kid she only met for two days, looks into this Freddy guy and learns all the stuff we already know.
There's a subplot about Jesse's house being hot all the damn time and his family more or less hating Jesse every day. His dad pretty much threatens to send him to rehab, or at least the A&E show "Intervention". Then, among the boring stuff, a bird fucking explodes. For no reason, really. It's not ever explained. It's only funny cause later, the Dad thinks Jesse somehow blew it up. I don't know why or how he would do that. If I could randomly blow up birds, I'd take it on the road.
There are more pointless scenes until Jesse leaves his house one night and ends up at a bar. What kind of bar?
There, he runs into his gym teacher and instead of Jesse blackmailing him, the teacher takes Jesse to the school and makes him run laps. After he's tired of that, he makes Jesse take a shower at the school. While that's happening, stuff just moves on its own like this is "Poltergeist" or "The Exorcist". Balls start flying around (the sporty kind, not THOSE kind, perv) and soon the gym teacher is being strug up by jump rope, tied up to the shower wall, and whipped with a towel. I wish I was making that up. Then Freddy appears and kills the teacher. After the teacher is dead, Jesse is now there. No fuckin' clue, man.
More boring stuff, the teacher is found dead, Jesse freaks out. Lisa falls in love with this guy. And Lisa throws a party. Despite him acting weird, she invites Jesse, who just sits around, looking mopey. Lisa decides to console him by giving him some. This backfires when Freddy's tongue comes out of Jesse's body.
Jesse freaks out and leaves. He goes to Grady's and asks him to watch him while he sleeps in case anything weird happens. The fact he just broke into Grady's is weird enough. But soon enough, Jesse wakes up and we find out that this entire time he's been transforming into Freddy. And instead of using the glove, the knives just come right out of the fingers. That's kinda cool I guess.
Jesse/Freddy kills Grady and Jesse returns to normal and he goes to the only place he could go: the most populated place ever aka Lisa's house. There, while Lisa is consoling him (again), Jesse turns into Freddy. You know, the way Jesse transforms into Freddy you could almost say:
Yeah, I had to go there. I tried to resist. Sorry.
So Freddy's loose and, hoo boy this version of Freddy fucking sucks. You wanna know what his supposed "revenge" is? Simply knocking over knick-knacks on shelves.
Yeah! Freddy hates that there! Fuck that plate!
Locks lock on their own, the swimming pool turns into a hot tub (sans time machine), and anything gas related explodes. Some dude tries to "talk Freddy down" but Freddy just runs away. God, this movie sucks.
Lisa somehow knows where to find Jesse/Freddy: the boiler room where Freddy worked, which is now abandoned. Lisa walks around, things light on fire for no reason, and soon Freddy appears. Instead of a big showdown like the first movie, all Lisa does is kiss Freddy. Freddy falls down, explodes, and Jesse suddenly appears. Jesus, talk about anti-climatic.
So now it's sometime later and Jesse is going to school. He gets on a school bus where Lisa and a slut friend is waiting. The bus starts careening out of control and Freddy bursts out of the slut. The end.
Ugh, this movie. It's not even fun to watch. I was just bored for most of it. I'll be happy if I never have to watch this movie ever again. In fact, I'm gonna scratch the hell out of the side this movie is on the DVD so I never watch it again. There.