Saturday, January 09, 2010

Jason (And Later Mary) Get B.T.K'd!!: BTK Killer

Due to personal family issues, Mary isn't able to provide hilarious commentary and all the things this movie got wrong about the B.T.K Killer, so I'll just be posting the review and when she feels up to it, I'll make an updated post with her comments on it. And for whatever reason, when I watched the DVD, the captions were on with no way of turning them off. I dunno what that was about, I guess they think deaf people would love this movie. Anyway, here's "BTK Killer".

Onto Part Two of our look into the movies of the B.T.K Killer, called oddly enough, "BTK Killer". (No periods, which is ironic considering this movie spends roughly five minutes making a point to say "B Period T Period K Period".) Looking at the two that I had left, I saw they were both made in 2005. I forget when the Kane Hodder one was made, so I guess 2005 was the year of BTK.

The movie opens with a naked chick tied up and she has a plastic bag over her head, but two eye holes. There's a naked dude off in the distance doing something. Soon, the naked dude starts rubbing the head of a slaughtered pig across the chick's body, including her va-jay-jay, while we get a delightful shot of her peeing. This entire shot is filmed artsy, which means it changes angles and even the screen gets turned upside down.

Turns out this is a nightmare news reporter Laci is having. She's been reporting on the BTK killer and is scared she's gonna be next. It's here that the production values on this movie is revealed. Whenever I watch a movie shot poorly, I have to think of a way to describe it and I always come back to the same description: Public Access Style. I'm pretty sure people in Wichita Kansas wanted to make a BTK movie and teamed up with their cable access to do so. That's the only explanation for EVERYTHING that happens.

Laci is tired of reporting on the BTK but her boss Jack makes her, so she does. Watching her news report is one Dennis L. Rader and his wife, who is nameless in this movie. Fuck if I remember what her name was in the last movie. Anyway, Wifey is all like "Oh no, BTK is back!" And Dennis stood up and said "Dr. Dre, mutherfucka!!!!" Obscure reference FTW!

Then the movie flashbacks to the '70's when the first set of BTK killings occurred. We get a young Dennis in his home with Nameless wife and his two sons Dennis Jr and Darren. Dennis Sr is showing the boys a basket of rats and starts talking about how rats are cool. This scene goes on for awhile for no real reason.

Then we focus on the first killing this movie decides to show us. During one of many irritating voice overs, Dennis mentions he killed seven women and how many will it take before it becomes national news? That's a good point, you'd think seven women being killed by a serial killer would've been national news by now. But whatever.

So we meet Nancy, some chick in bed. Dennis simply breaks a window and through the magic of editing he's standing by her bed. He ties her up and asks for the car keys. When he looks at the spot Nancy said, he doesn't find them and pulls out the wicker basket of rats and tells Nancy how cool they are.

During this scene, we get non-stop footage from a slaughter house. Actually the footage runs behind this scene so we're watching two things happening. And this happened during EVERY FUCKING MURDER SCENE. I'm guessing the people that made this were members of PETA and/or were vegetarians.

And Dennis goes on and on about slaughter houses and asks Nancy if she been to one. Then he plays with the rat some more and more or less waves it in front of her. Then he stuffs the rat into her mouth. Hey, isn't this how mob bosses kill informants? Well, I guess the waving of the rat is the "torture" part and now she's "killed". Kinda.

We then get a small glimpse into his life with him at a church in "present day" and this is the shittiest church I've ever seen. It's pretty much someones living room. Then it goes back to the '70's and we're in the same living room church and Dennis is giving crap to the minister about what passage of the Bible they're reading. Ok.

Our next victim is a psychiatrist named Dolores. Dennis stands outside her house/office/whatever and stares at her for ten minutes while he has a soliloquy about how he hates her cause she thinks she's so cool and her pale skin sucks. After what felt like for-fucking-ever, he simply walks in and plops down a slaughtered cow head on her table. Dolores looks at all of this as normal. I think she's been a psychiatrist for too long.

Dennis does the whole slaughter house thing with the same disturbing images shown underneath this footage. I think this movie is trying to get me to be a vegetarian or some shit. Fuck and I was gonna have steak for dinner tonight. Anyway, after some talk about slaughter houses and about Dolores' family, and that Dolores is Latin for "Pain", he chokes her. Then he simply walks out.

So this movie review is only 12 paragraphs in and I covered about 45 minutes of this movie. The entire movie is about an hour and 15 minutes. This should tell you something.

There's a quick scene at Young Dennis' house and some lady is over for dinner. Dennis makes Junior tells the lady about the history of the boy scouts and he does and WE HEAR THE ENTIRE FUCKING THING. I won't even tell you what it is, you'll thank me. Anyway the lady looks like she'd rather eat dinner with a meth addict than be here.

So our next victim is some chick named Miss Hatch, at least that's what he calls her. She looked really young and super hot. She was on the phone when Dennis is edited into her house. Dennis assumes the role of her boyfriend on the phone and hangs up. Then after tying her up, he amps up the randomness of things he waves in front of her.

First are scorpions. She squirms. Then a tarantula. She squirms. I gotta say, this is some shitty ass torturing. I know women are normally creeped out by these things but really? Is this really torture? Let's hope the "Saw" people don't see this movie. Saw 7 will have traps full of dead fish that need to be gutted.

So the final thing Dennis pulls out are, I shit you not, worms. Regular worms. This makes Miss Hatch freak out even more and he simply places them on her shoulder. And yes the slaughterhouse footage is still running over this. So finally he places the worms in her mouth and THIS FUCKING KILLS HER! Ugh...

There's some more scenes of Present Day Dennis mixed with Past Dennis both writing letters to the news. We get another scene with Laci having the nightmare again. It's a bunch of jumbled scenes. I hate this movie. Then we get to the funniest setting ever.

So the scene with the psychiatrist took place near a hallway that had a row of lockers and one of those Egyptian Tombs things. I dunno if that was suppose to be her house or office or what. This scene makes no fucking sense. It's CLEARLY a U-Store It kinda place. It's just a big open space with random crap all around. And this chick Vicki walks in.

By the way, this movie fucked up with the number of victims. They clearly say he killed seven people before Nancy. But here, Dennis says Vicki will be his tenth. Somebody can't count! Anyway, Vicki is in her U-Store It and Dennis arrives.

Slaughterhouse footage, check. But this time no animals. The only thing he got this time is raw meat. He shoves raw meat into her face, then forces it down her throat, which kills her. Now what kind of fucking torture is that? Seriously! So Vicki is dead and Dennis is gone. Some random dude holding carpet samples walks in and finds her. I don't fucking know.

So now we stay in the present and the title card says "March 2005 ONE FATAL MISTAKE!" What, this movie being made? Again in Dash Style I'll present what happens in this scene in the actual order that it happened. Ready?

-Priest is talking to dude about marital issues.
-Dennis comes in and asks if he can use the Priest's computer.
-Priest says ok.
-Cops show up at Priest's house/church and asks who has access to the "churches" computer. Priest says himself, some chick named Margaret, and of course Dennis.
-Laci reports that the police have arrested Dennis for being the BTK Killer.
-Mrs. BTK is upset.
-Dennis, in prison garb, is talking to Priest. Dennis insists he isn't the BTK killer and Priest believes him.
-Movie ends.


[It is at this point that Jason's brain officially broke. We are trying to reconstruct it now but it'll take some time. Thank you very much. -Jason's Doctor]

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