Reader's Choice: Cool As Ice

"Cool As Ice" is one of those movies everyone thinks I've seen already because I tell them I like to watch bad movies. "Oh so you've seen 'Cool As Ice' then. God that's awful, isn't it?" And I had to tell them the truth. "Oh yeah, it's fucking terrible."

What? I can't lose my street cred.

Anyway, now I can finally speak the truth because I have indeed watched the Vanilla Ice movie "Cool As Ice". Boy, I'm so glad they stopped making movies based on pop singers who were hot at the time. If they kept making movies like this, that'd be really fucking annoying.

Yes, at one point in this country, Vanilla Ice was a household name. I'm not saying he's bad, it's just more of a sign of the times. He was a pretty good rapper. And tell me you don't know the lyrics to "Ice Ice Baby". Go ahead and lie to me and tell me you don't. So naturally, someone said "Hey lets put him in a movie!"



And that movie starts off with, of course, Ice playing in a club while a bunch of hot chicks dance around. Ice performs a song about being "Cool As Ice" and there's Naomi Campbell in her pre-phone throwing days. Well, who knows, maybe she threw phones back then. She certainly didn't throw it when her agent called to be in this movie.

Anyway, Ice and his crew is leaving. They get on their hard core motorcycles and head to the next town, I guess. I'm assuming at this point Ice is playing himself and this is him on tour. But he travels without luggage or equipment so I have no idea how he's been getting by.

Eventually, he spots Kathy riding her horse off the side of the road. Ice thinks she's hot and the only way to express this is by doing a motorcycle stunt in front of her, spooking the horse, and throwing her off. Thankfully, she doesn't end up like Christopher Reeves. And this makes an horrible first impression.

We learn a bit about Kathy's home life. Her dad is Michael Gross and she's got a younger brother named Tommy. And then the most pointless news report on the face of the planet plays on TV. Some NATIONAL news program came to Kathy and did a story on her because she rides horses, gets good grades, and loves her parents!

HOLY FUCK STOP THE PRESSES! I'm serious, that was the whole point of the news report. That's like if they did a news report on your every day life.

"Hello, I'm Brian Williams. He likes to get up in the morning, take a shower, then leave for work. There, he earns money."
"That's right, I like money so I work here."
"Fascinating! More as it develops!"

During the report, a guy played by "HEY IT'S THAT GUY" Jack McGee (Seriously, read his IMDB page, he's been in EVERYTHING) is watching and he spots Michael Gross and is shocked that the dad from "Family Ties" has anything to do with this god damn movie.

During all this, one of Ice's friends bike breaks down and they end up in this neighborhood. There, they find this weird house that's decorated kinda...weird. There's spinning globes all over, there's giant books propped up, and actual written words are painted on the walls. It's kinda weird. Anyway, they meed Roscoe, who looked really familiar to me but I think it had something to do with him kinda acting bad and all bad actors tend to blend in. Anyway, Roscoe promises to fix the bike but hilarity ensues when they TOTALLY disassemble the bike! OH NO!!

Ice sees the report as well and this makes him fall even more in love or something. And he's so in love that when they meet again, he steals her organizer full of important papers! And of course Kathy has a boyfriend named Nick, who is a royal asshole. Honestly, you can write this entire movie in your head.

Turns out Michael Gross is in the witness protection program and he use to be a cop, who turned in some bad cops. So now those bad cops are after him. And all because some news station was bored and did a boring story on a girl who does regular stuff.

BREAKING NEWS! "This man also likes to eat food!"
"Yeah, when I get hungry, I like to eat."
"WOW!!! Back to you!"

Kathy goes to this lame club with Nick when Ice shows up, and does a song. Of course, everyone is into it...besides Nick. Nick shows how much of an ass he is by manhandling her. You know "The Godfather" has the famous catch phrase "I'll make him an offer he can't refuse"? Well, "Cool As Ice" tries to one-up them with Ice's brilliant delivery of "Drop that zero and get with this hero!"

Beautiful. I dunno who won for Best Actor in 1992 but god damn, it should've been Vanilla Ice.

The next day, Ice is suddenly in Kathy's bedroom. Stalker, much? He wants to go on a date with her and she reluctantly accepts. And their date is the most random date ever. And it's told over the course of 4 montages. First they go to a construction site where some houses are being built and they run around that for five minutes. Then she tries to teach him how to ride a horse but fails. And then after I said "But he didn't teach her how to ride his bike", they have a scene of her learning how to ride his bike. Then they're in some field of wheat where I swear to god they fucked. They had to have fucked. And finally, they're in some desert, just laughing while he dances. This went on for like 10 minutes! It was insane!

Oh dammit, I forgot a couple of scenes. To sum up the scenes I forgot, after Kathy and Nick got into a fight, Ice took her home. When he went back to the club, he found Nick and Nick's friends destroying the bikes that belong to Ice's friends, so Ice beats up Nick, which sends him to the hospital. And there was this weird scene where the camera just zoomed around Kathy's family. It wasn't explained at all.

Alright, now we're caught up. Michael Gross thinks Ice is teamed up with the cops after him and doesn't want Kathy to hang around him. He tells her the truth about who he is and what he did and she agrees to give him the cold shoulder. But Tommy (the younger brother) wants Ice to give him a ride on his bike, so Ice does so. When Tommy returns home, the cops are waiting and they kidnap him.

Michael Gross still thinks Ice had something to do with all this, but Kathy says "NO!!!!!" and runs out the house. She tells Ice about the kidnapping and here Ice plays CSI as he listens to the ransom demand tape and hears construction noises in the background.

Ice, Kathy, and Ice's crew (with the bike now all fixed up, I wonder if Roscoe had to fix the other damaged bike?) show up at the site, drive their bikes through the cop's hideout, and save Tommy. It's only this action does Michael Gross know that Ice had nothing to do with the kidnapping and that he's ok enough to date Kathy.

After a long 5 minute scene of Ice performing a song at another club and dancing with Kathy, the movie finally comes to an end. I will say this movie is horrible but it's the fun kind of horrible, that you can watch with some during a bad movie night and just laugh at everything.

The clothing is fucking terrible. I have no idea if Ice dressed himself or someone thought this was how he dressed. Everything was just so bright. I was a teenager in the '90s but I never embraced this style. Thank god, cause I was picked on enough growing up.

Yo, let's get out of here. Word to ya mother!


-Jason

The Netflix Corner #11

Welcome to the first Saturday edition of The Netflix corner. I moved it cause people with "day jobs" were complaining. So if you work on Saturdays, well, sorry. I dunno what to tell you. Anyway, this week's Instant Watch suggestion would've been last week's but I wanted to get "Parents" out there first. So now I can present:



Yeah. I reviewed this last week. But I think you REALLY should watch this movie if you like anthology films, horror-comedies, and just gross out humor overall. It's smart AND stupid all at the same time. I fucking love it and I think you will too.

Onto The Netflix Game! We got a newcomer, who promised she'll be around every week. Let's see if she lives up to her promise.

Nick-26
Dan-10
Steve-7
Dylan-5
Rachel-4
Joanna-3
Joe-2

And here are last week's answers:
Hard: This guy really hates his girlfriend's ex-boyfriends.-Scott Pilgrim vs The World
Medium: Some girl must save her boyfriend in three different ways.-Run Lola Run
Easy: A teenager goes looking for a baby and some weird stuff happens.-Labyrinth

Without further ado, here is this week's clues!

Hard: One strong guy really hates another strong guy.
Medium: A stupid girl doesn't realize she's been talking to her crush this entire time.
Easy: A poor guy uses magic to be a rich guy to win a girl.

Good luck!
-Jason

MOTM: The Evil Dead

For those of you not in the know, every month at The LAMB, we get to vote on which movie gets to be Movie of the Month. Then people get together on The LAMBcast and talk about the movie. The last time I participated in this was either "Black Dynamite" or "This is Spinal Tap". Since then, it's been nothing but weird artsy movies no one ever heard of and I was sad. Then I saw "Evil Dead" was listed as an option and I fought for it. Fought hard. I begged all my readers to go vote and clearly, I have SOME pull cause it won, by what I'd like to think as a landslide.

Anyway, "The Evil Dead". I have an interesting history with this movie. I seen the sequel first because it was the one everyone talked about all the time. Then oddly enough, I watched "Army of Darkness" next. It wasn't until a bit later that I watched the original and was completely blown away at how similar it was to the sequel. So what's the story?

"The Evil Dead" is about five friends who decide to go to the creepiest cabin they can find in the creepiest woods they could find. The cabin use to belong to an archaeologist professor guy who was looking for the Necronomicon aka "The Book of the Dead". One of them, I think it was Ash (Bruce Campbell), plays a recording the professor left reciting passages of the book, unwittingly unleashing evil forces in the woods.

This includes demons, ghosts, and a force we only see in POV shots. More or less all the friends either end up dead or possessed, leaving Ash all alone. And I guess I have to talk about the tree scene. So one girl decides to make a run for it but all the trees in the forest come alive and start trapping her. Soon enough, one of the trees decides to get fresh with her and more or less rapes her. It's a classic scene.

The scenes with Ash alone fighting the "evil dead" is what makes this movie entertaining. I suppose this is why he and writer/director Sam Raimi decided to do it all over again for "Evil Dead 2". Here's what I tell people about the "Evil Dead" series: if you like straight up horror, watch the first film. If you like comedy and screwball antics, watch the sequels. Same story, different genres.

As for the first film, I like it enough but I do perfer the sequels. I will give this film credit for being the launching pad of both Bruce Campbell AND Sam Raimi. It's a cult classic and obviously I love it. I know it won't be for everybody but still, it's a fun movie. I say check it out!


-Jason

Reader's Choice: Rubber

Hamlet:
"O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain!"

Polonius:
[Aside] Though this be madness, yet there is method in't.

An aquaintence of mine very recently told me a delightful story about his siblings visiting the city of El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora la Reina de los Ángeles del Río de Porciúncula (which translates to "The Town of Our Lady the Queen of the Angels of the River Porciúncula) and how he just happened upon a delightful motion picture.

The sibling of my aquaintence said the motion picture, while not one to be found easily in the trade papers you or I often frequent, was one that many of us who is quite fond of such risque cinema should indeed see for yourself. That motion picture is titled: "Rubber".

"Rubber" (or "gaucho" or "goma" if you will) is a motion picture written and directed by Quentin Dupieux, a French gentleman who moonlights as a musician. The motion picture takes us on a daring ride of the macabre and has us, the audience, asking "when is enough?"

The start of the motion picture depicts a gentleman in a policeman's uniform arriving at the scene in the trunk of a car. This is a clear indication that this policeman does not follow the rules of the road and disagrees with the strict seatbelt laws this country has set upon us. "I shall overcome this by riding in the trunk" he surely thought to himself. "For it is there that no one will know that I am, in fact, NOT wearing a seatbelt."

Mr. Policeman as I will call him because his name just happens to escape me at the moment, explains the motion picture directly to us. This is a quaint device. I only wished more motion pictures used this device. Imagine if, say, Jason Voorhees would put down the machete, pick up a cup of Earl Gray tea, and tell us WHY he proceeds to brutally murder helpless teenagers.

Mr. Policeman explains that motion pictures don't make sense and cites many examples, including "E.T", "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre", and a personal favorite of mine "Love Story". The film we will be seeing tonight is one such film that will be pointless and not make sense.

It is then revealed that there is a group of people, holding binoculars, about to watch said film with us. The group consists of the usual bi-standers who watch such films. You have the two bratty teenage girls, the two "movie geeks" if you will, and a mish-mash of other people.

Then our real story begins when we meet Robert, a lonely car tire. Obviously, the tire represents a human being. It is suddenly thrust into a world in which he does not understand. The first object he encounters is a water bottle. Water, being the source of all life, is important for all living things to continue living. But here, the water bottle is empty, much like Robert. He is only a tire, therefore is incapable of expressing emotions and thoughts.

Robert, however, isn't completely without talent. He does have the ability to make things explode by merely "looking" at it. He first discovers this talent with a beer bottle. The obvious message here is that all alcohol is evil and must be dispelled.

In between scenes of Robert discovering his new life and the "watchers" saying things you or I would say if we were to watch this movie together in my den one fine evening, we meet a beautiful young lady who is driving. Her name is unimportant, which clearly means that women, through the eyes of Mr. Dupieux are just people to him. How bold of him, I must say.

The woman, whom I'll name Maria, is driving through the desert when Robert spots her. It is clear Robert is in love with Maria, but alas! He has no penis in which to make love! How will he show his affection to Maria? I know, I shall follow her!

Maria and Robert end up in a hotel and we do get a very naughty scene in which Robert spies on Maria getting naked. We do see her tush but I had turned away. I must save such things for marriage, you know. The "watchers", however, keep on watching. It is clear the watchers represent Joe and Jane Everyday Movie Watcher and are not of the upmost stature like myself. They are the ones who see "Transformer" movies and "Alvin And The Chimpmunks".

It is then the motion picture takes an even more bizarre turn when we meet a skinny nerdy man, who plans on poisoning the "watchers". All the "watchers" take the poison but one man: an older gentleman in a wheelchair. This obviously represents how the filmmakers today just want to poison the minds of Joe and Jane Everyday Movie Watcher and they'll "eat up" anything Hollywood gives to them. The mere fact the poison is put in a turkey, representing them "gobbling" all this up, makes this clear.

But what of the old man? He doesn't look like a dandy chap. He's wearing a plaid shirt (PLAID!) and a baseball cap. Who does he represent? He is a mystery. We may never know the answer to this. Then the film does something most daring.

The actors IN SAID MOTION PICTURE just decide to stop being in the movie. This represents how tired they are of pretending to be something they are not and how much they hate Joe and Jane Everyday Movie Watcher! But thanks to the older gentleman, they must continue! Even if there's only one person in the audience, the show must go on! Excelsior!

Now that the motion picture shall continue, Robert goes on the most brutal killing spree and it's up to our policemen and women to stop him! They try to fool the tire by having a manniquin stand at his front doorstep with a bomb, in hopes of tricking him to blow himself up. It's quite a complicated plan. And even our older "watcher" takes issue with this.

Wouldn't it be great to ask the movie characters why they do the things they do? OF COURSE! This represents the movie watcher NOT TAKING IT ANYMORE! How could I be so blind? STUPID, STUPID! Before I go beat myself up for missing such an obvious metaphor, I shall finish this review.

Robert causes the manniquin to explode but he doesn't die. The policeman, tired of all this tire business, just simply walks into the residents and shoots Robert until he is flat and dead. But, alas, we have a twist ending. Robert...is now a tri-cycle! This obviously represents his "rebirth" by being born into a child's toy.

Robert the tri-cycle moves along his merry way, enjoying himself when suddenly he spots OTHER living tires! He is now no longer lonely and needs the companionship of Maria! Where does Robert and his friend go? To Hollywood. OBVIOUSLY this represents the film heading to Hollywood, the place motion pictures are made. And his friends all represent all the sequels that Hollywood will make from this movie.

And with that we come to a close. Oh this film is such a delight. I love all the double meanings, the metaphors, and symbolism. Of course there will be many detractors who will downplay this film and take it at a "horror" level. Those brutes do not know anything about the art of filmmaking. I applaud Mr. Dupieux for taking a brave step in making this motion picture. Bravo, dear sir, bravo!

It reminds me of something Berowne said in "Love's Labor's Lost" Act 1. scene 1, 72-79:

Berowne:
Why! all delights are vain, but that most vain
Which, with pain purchas'd, doth inherit pain:
As, painfully to pore upon a book
To seek the light of truth, while truth the while
Doth falsely blind the eyesight of his look.
Light, seeking light, doth light of light beguile;
So ere you find where light in darkness lies,
Your light grows dark by losing of your eyes.

Indeed, good fellows, indeed.



-Sir Bosco

Reader's Choice: Zombie Nation

I don't even know who to be mad at: myself for putting this selection in the poll or the four of you who voted for this. I guess I have no one to blame but myself. I had NO IDEA just how fucking horrible this was going to be. If I known, I would've just left it off and replaced it with, I dunno, "A Serbian Film 2: MORE FUCKED UP THAT THE FIRST". But I digress.

"Zombie Nation" is written and directed by Ulli Lommel, who is the worst fucking director on the face of the planet. I rather watch a marathon of Michael Bay films, mixed in with Uwe Boll films than watch a Lommel film. He did "BTK Killer" which should've been some sign from above but did I listen? NOOOOOOO!

I don't plan on spending a lot of time with this. The movie focuses on Joe, an asshole cop who pulls over hot women, arrests them on false charges, and take them to his house. His house? A fucking warehouse. And I'm sure it's the same house/warehouse used in "BTK Killer" as well. Anyway, what makes this so special is he has a partner. And the partner just sits outside, waiting for him.

When Joe returns without the girl AND a heavy duffel bag that he's putting in the trunk, the partner doesn't think anything about it. Jesus Christ, man! Anyway, we find out Joe, obviously, has some mental issues. His mom was some doctor in an insane asylum who abused her patients and abused him. That's about all we get.

So we spend 45 minutes on this cop plot and I'm left wondering "when do the fucking zombies show up?" What is it with me and horrible zombie movies that don't feature zombies through the whole movie? I mean I had "Wiseguys vs Zombies", "Vampires vs Zombies", fucking "ZOMBIEZ" and now "Zombie Nation".

Well, we are getting to it, believe it or not. The partner finally realizes something is up (NO SHIT! REALLY?!) and reports this to the captain. OH! The police station? Another warehouse. Swear to fucking god. This whole movie is like someone put on a stage play. In fact, if it was a stage play put on by a 2nd grade class, it'd be 200 million times better. Fuck!

The captain, who is friends with Joe, just makes the partner do paper work and sends another guy to be Joe's partner. When this partner also reports something is fishy with Joe, then Internal Affairs gets involved, suspends Joe, and makes him get psychiatric counseling.

For the first hour of the film, we don't see Joe murder the women. But then he picked up a Romanian chick, who's the hottest girl in this movie so she must be a stripper or porn star in real life, who had a voodoo spell put on her. What do you need to tell your audience that voodoo is happening?

1. Black chicks in Jamaican clothing.
2. A pigs head
3. Candles
4. A spider
5. A snake
6. Blood
7. Crosses. Crosses fucking everywhere.

So they put a spell on her, Romanian chick leaves and is immediately arrested by Joe. Then we see how they murder her. I don't watch the show "Dexter" but I know enough about it to know that either this movie ripped them off, or somehow they ripped this movie off cause he's a cop, who kills people, by injecting them with something lethal. I'm sure the only difference is "Dexter" doesn't make you want to rip your brain out and set it on fire.

And another thing, what the fuck is stopping all these partners from just going into Joe's place with their POLICE ISSUED GUNS and stopping him if they KNOW HE'S MURDERING WOMEN INSIDE?! It's all fucking retarded.

Anyway, Joe murders the Romanian chick and she comes back to life...along with Joe's other victims. And here's a twist: they act like living human beings with one exception: they have black eye make-up all around their eyes. So they're part zombie, part raccoon.

And I guess Joe only murdered five people ever cause only five girls come back to life. One of them, who is more Aunt like than hot, wants to see her boyfriend but because when she looks in the mirror....she looks like a zombie....but when you look at her in person...she doesn't....I don't fucking know I didn't fucking understand it. ARRGH!!!

Alright so you know where this is all going. They look for Joe, find him, and eventually kill him. When they report back to the voodoo priestess chicks and tell them they ate him, they freak out. Why? "Cause when you bite a human being, they too become a zombie!"

Wait. I know I didn't mention it but when the girls first came to life, they met two different guys. They bit and killed both of them and really for no reason now that I think about it. So now you're saying Joe AND those two guys are zombies? Care to take care of that? No? Alrighty then.

So for some fucking dumbass reason, all the girls are now cops, but they wear those sexy stripper cop uniforms so maybe this REALLY wasn't a police station after all. I don't fucking know, I'm just glad it's over.

Think of the worst movie you ever seen, multiply it by 20 and you'll only have HALF the horribleness of this fucking movie. DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE! I BEG YOU!! DO NOT WATCHING THIS FUCKING MOVIE! IT'S NOT FUN! NO!!!! JUST...Fuck you Ulli Lommel! FUCK YOU! I hope you Google your name, find this review, and see that I said that. And you know what? Email me: invasionofthebmovies@gmail.com give me your address and we will fight! I WILL FIGHT YOU!!

ARRRRGH!!!


-Jason

The Netflix Corner #10

Today's Netflix Instant Watch recommendation came to me as a surprise. I loved this movie when I was a kid, but it's really hard to track down on DVD. I'm talking about:

Since most people probably aren't familiar, the movie is about a kid who realizes his parents are cannibals, and they're feeding the kid human meat. It's kind of a fucked up story, but you should still check it out.

Onto The Netflix Game! For the first time, three different people got three answers! Here are the scores:

Nick-26
Dan, Steve-7
Dylan-5
Rachel-4
Joe-2

And here are last week's answers:

Hard: A guy sets out to make a movie about another guy, but that guy decides to make a movie about him instead.-Exit Through The Gift Shop
Medium: A married couple has some unexpected guests in their house and need the help of a strange guy to get rid of them.-Beetlejuice
Easy: Kinda like "Hamlet" but set in a jungle-The Lion King

And here's this week's puzzle:
Hard: This guy really hates his girlfriend's ex-boyfriends.
Medium: Some girl must save her boyfriend in three different ways.
Easy: A teenager goes looking for a baby and some weird stuff happens.

That's it. Good luck to everybody!
-Jason

Reader's Choice: Chillerama

Yet another horror anthology film, but this is is oh so different. And excuse me, I have to make a lame joke here. *ahem* Wouldn't be awesome if Wilmer Valderama was in "Chillerama"? There, done.

There's 3 (technically 4) stories, all of them short horror movies being played at a drive-in. The drive-in is closing down and this night is their last night, so the owner Cecil (Richard Riehle) is showing four obscure films as one last "fuck you" to the people that bought the drive-in and forced him to close it.

The first film is called "Wadzilla". Yes, you heard me correctly. It's gonna be THAT kind of movie. Anyway, "Wadzilla" is a play on old 1950's monster movies and it's pretty funny. Laura Palmer's father plays a doctor who gives Miles some medicine to boost his sperm. But the medicine causes his sperm to grow into size and eventually attack New York City.

The ending is really hilarious. I won't say too much but if you ever wanted to see The Statue of Liberty give a strip tease, this is the movie for you. What I loved about this movie is every other scene features all the characters smoking on screen. Of course, this is a light jab at the fact many movies today can't feature smoking and how everybody seemed to smoke in the '50s.

The stuff around the four films follow a group of movie nerd friends and them being in love with each other. Ryan is in love with the drive-in concession stand chick Desi, while Tobe and Mayna have feelings for each other.

The next movie is called "I Was A Teenage Were-Bear". And I'll be honest, this is the weaker of the three (maybe 4) stories. It really doesn't know what it wants to be. It's a beach blanket movie mixed in with a teenage monster movie. There's Ricky, the all-American high school kid who is dating Peggy Lou, but he may have a deep dark secret.

Ok, he's gay, alright? The entire movie is one big gay joke. And funny enough, it's a musical. I'll admit the songs are funny and catchy. Anyway, Ricky is bitten by Talon, the gay greaser guy and he turns into a "were-bear". Since I said this was one big gay joke, "bear" in this sense refers to the big hairy gay guys. There's not too much more I can say about this story.

Also happening around the 3 (4) features is this dude who I thought was Ray Liotta who dug up his dead wife and tried to fuck the corpse. But the dead wife came back to life, bit off his balls, and is slowly turning him into a zombie. To help heal his zombie wounds, Ray Liotta uses popcorn butter, which then gets used on the customer's popcorn.

The third story, easily the best fucking story in this movie, is "The Diary of Anne Frankenstein". So it's revealed that Anne Frank and her family are distant relatives of Dr. Frankenstein (makes sense if you think about it) and Anne finds the good doctor's medical journal.

Then Hitler shows up, kills The Franks, and steals it. I want to mention that Hitler is played by Joel David Moore. If you know who that is, that should give you some idea of how funny this whole bit is. What makes this even more funny is the fake German they speak. Instead of using actual German, they just say gibberish and mix in things like "Goldie Hawn" and "Vincent Van Gogh".

So Hitler uses Dr. Frankenstein's journal to create a Nazi monster. Who looks Jewish. And named Meshugannah. And I'm not even fucking kidding when I say Meshugannah is played by Kane Hodder. You have NO FUCKING IDEA how awesome that is. Anyway, things kinda go wrong and you need to see all the gags for yourself.

Everyone at the drive-in are slowly becoming zombies, but not just any kind of zombies: HORNY ZOMBIES! Fuck, didn't I deal with that yesterday? Anyway, everybody who was in love confess their love and suddenly it's revealed...THIS IS THE FOURTH FILM! OH SNAP!

What's great about this is since the movie features movie nerd characters, all the dialogue is nothing but movie quotes! I mean you got "GET TO THE CHOPPA" to "SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND", it's so fucking awesome. I won't even spoil all this for you. Just go see it now. It is on Netflix Instant Watch.

And that's it. Thanks to the three of you who voted for this. I'm guessing this didn't get a lot of votes cause people didn't know just how fucking awesome this movie was. But seriously, I think I have a new favorite movie.


-Jason

PS: I SO wanted to give this five stars, but since "Were-Bear" was kinda weak, I had to deduct a star. Kinda sad, really.

Reader's Choice: Deadtime Stories Volumes 1 and 2

As you probably noticed on the cover, George A. Romero attached his name to this. Romero has an interesting career. He's made a slew of good films in his younger days, but the older he gets, the more shit-tastic his films become. Many people didn't like "Diary of the Dead", while I thought it was just alright. "Survival of the Dead" on the other hand, sucks balls so badly it hurts.

But here, Romero only produced the two movies I'll be covering today. And he plays the "host". The host bits are easily the most lame things about these films, and there's a lot here to fucking hate. And as you no doubt figured out, this is an anthology series, movies that tell multiple stories. Thankfully, both films tell three stories each so you're not stuck with this mess for too long. Unfortunately, there's two films of this shit. So let's get going.

The reason Romero's "host" bits are lame is because he makes these horrible puns and corny jokes that'll make The Cryptkeeper blush. And he sometimes speaks in rhyme, which makes the whole thing worse. And to top it off, he looks roughly 200 years old. The giant ass Kim Jong Il glasses don't help any either.

Our first story, called "The Valley Of Something Or Another" (fuck, this was 6 stories ago, you expect me to remember) we meet Angela as she's in an office of some rich asshole. The rich asshole wants to know why he should give her money to go looking for her dead husband. She says there's more money in it for him. And maybe a nice peek at her boobs. Well, she never says that but if someone needs convincing of something, and he's an asshole, it wouldn't hurt.

Despite lack of boob showing, the asshole agrees to give her the money to go look for the husband, but only if he comes along. Turns out the husband was part of some scientific crew sent to some jungle to find something and he never returned. Apparently the trees in this jungle grows something that looks like E.T's dick. And actually, you know the film "Cannibal Holocaust"? This is pretty much the exact same thing. Just no missing footage.

The only thing different is the final shot of Angela's head resting on a stake in the jungle and she's talking to the other heads, one of them belonging to her husband. So in away, she found him. The problem with this story was the set up took for-fucking-ever. But this set up was quicker compared to the next story.

The next story is called "Wet". We meet Jack, a down on his luck guy who lives alone in some crappy beach house. He digs for treasures in the sand and sells them for money, which then turns into booze. One day, he's looking around when he spots a box with a skeleton hand inside it. He throws the hand in a drawer and decides to sell the box to an antique's dealer named Swan.

Swan recognizes the box and tells Jack a story of how he killed a mermaid, cut her up into pieces, and put the pieces in the boxes. Yeah, you heard me. Apparently, mermaid's are evil crazy bitches and you have to kill them before they kill you and the only way they'll stay dead is if you put them in these boxes. Jack goes "...ok then" and goes home...to dig up more mermaid parts.

He simply throws the remains into a regular box, buries it, and cleans up the fancy boxes to sell so he can buy an entire liquor store when, say it with me, the mermaid comes to life. She proceeds to give him a blowjob, but the thing about mermaids (that I learned from this movie anyway) is while giving blowjobs, their faces turn into fishes and bite off penis'.

The next day, Swan goes to Jack's place to make sure he didn't do what he did and he finds Jack, minus any legs but has a mermaid fin. So he's a merman? Is that how that works? Anyway, Swan kills Jack and puts his pieces into the boxes when the mermaid, now with real legs, shows up and takes Swan away to Mermaid Island or something. Hm, maybe this is a live action version of "The Little Mermaid". Under The Sea, indeed.

This story took FOR FUCKING EVER, much like the last one. It was roughly 25 minutes long and the action part took up the last 2. It was so boring, I was playing Angry Birds on my tablet during most of it and was still able to recall what happened. Jesus, George. Speed things along, will ya?

The last story, "Housecall", was directed by Tom Savini. And this story is the most annoying of them all. I guess Savini wanted to make this story a throw back to old timey movies but holy fuck he didn't have to be annoying about it. Instead of using full screen, or wide screen, he had the entire movie play out in this small box in the center of the screen. It was like watching a movie through a View-Finder.

This story looked at how long the other stories took to set shit up and said "Bitch, please" and made it ALL SET UP! Oh my god, I could've fallen asleep during this story and still tell you what happened. Pretty much, some lady calls a doctor telling him her son Jimmy thinks he's a vampire.

The doctor shows up and listens to Mom tell all the stories Jimmy told her about sucking all the blood out of the neighbors. And each story is shown in some detail. Actually, we don't even know Jimmy is a vampire until the final 2 minutes. They talk all around it, making it seem like he's a werewolf at first, then maybe he's possessed by Satan, and finally maybe a serial killer. But nope, vampire. And there's a twist ending that I'm gonna tell you cause you probably don't care enough to see this movie.

The doctor is the head vampire. He meant to kill Jimmy but only turned him. But now the doctor kills Jimmy, then bites and kills the Mom. The end. Fuck you, Tom Savini.

And that's it for Volume 1. Three horrible boring corny stories. And you know what's terrible? There's still Volume 2...AND IT'S LONGER THAN VOLUME 1! FUCK!!

So we get George again saying the same shit he said in the first volume. Then he introduces the first story, called "The Gorge". You seen "The Descent"? How about "Alive"? This story is a combination of the two. But you know what's weird? This story...was somewhat interesting.

There's three friends, two guys and a girl. One guy and the girl are engaged to be married. The other guy is the smart ass tag-a-long friend who decides to take them cave exploring as a wedding gift or some shit. They start climbing through the caves when it sounds like a thunder storm is occuring but it's actually a cave in. So all three people are stuck in this cave with no way out. And the male fiancee broke his ankle, so isn't able to walk.

Two weeks later, they're eating bats, then rats, and finally around Day 29, the goofball friend suggests killing the male fiancee and eat him. The girl, desperate, agrees. It's only after they do this when they're rescued. So now the girl and the friend are in a hospital, and they don't wanna tell anyone they ate the guy so they said he died in the cave in or something. Then the girl gets a guilty conscience and suddenly has a taste for flesh.

She kills, then eats the friend, only leaving behind his skeleton and she runs off into the woods, going back to the cave they were at. As much as I was liking this story, they ruined it by the end. For no reason that they explained, they had her turn into a witch. Seriously, a witch. She had an ugly face, a wart on her nose, and was just laughing evilly. I guess turning into a cannibal turns you into a witch.

The second story "On Sabbath Hill" was actually kinda good. Meaning, compared to the other films that is. It's like getting beat up by the same bully 5 days in a row, then on the sixth day he just fucks your Mom. Yeah, kinda like that. The entire story plays out like a rejected Lifetime movie they show on Halloween. There's a professor dude who's married with two kids. He's an hard-ass professor, making sure the students are always in his class and on time. If anyone misses just one class, he kicks them out and fails them. And he's having an affair with the hottest girl in the class named Jennifer.

That night, after he and Jennifer got it on, she tells him she's pregnant with his kid. Of course he wants to have an abortion but she won't. Then she leaves. The next day, Jennifer take a gun from her roommate's nightstand, goes to his class, and shoots herself in the head.

The professor tells the students class will go on as planned and talks about World War II while her dead body rots away there. Ok, not really. But he says there's still class the next day. But all throughout the night, he keeps hearing her voice and even sees her shadow.

Yeah, we all know where this is going.

I really don't know if this story is as good as I think it is or if my mind just gave up at this point and decided to give in to the awfulness. You'd think after all the shit I've seen, I would be use to it.

Anyway, it's not too long when he starts seeing her show up in class and soon starts haunting him. The roommate tells the professor she found Jennifer's diary, which reveals the entire affair, including the baby. And confesses it was her gun, which she stole back during the chaos after Jennifer died. And for whatever reason, the roommate gives the professor the gun. Ok.

So the next day, during class, the professor has a big giant mental freak out when Dead Jennifer starts giving birth to a undead baby. This freaks him out so much that he takes the gun and shoots himself. OOH! You know if this was Harry Potter, he'd just continue teaching that class.

Alright. One more story. And boy, it's a fucking doozy. It's called "Dust". And I'm just gonna jump over the boring shit and tell you Mars dust cures cancer and turns you into a nymphomaniac.

Hm. Ok, I guess some backstory would help. We meet George, a security guard at some scientific research place. His wife is dying of cancer and is gonna die any minute now. One night, George meets Alex, a scientist. Alex tells George that NASA sent them this dust from Mars and needs to test it for stuff. Alex is close to figuring out that it might be able to cure diseases. George thinks it could cure his wife's cancer, so he steals a small vile of the stuff and takes it home.

He mixes it with water and puts it in her IV tube and two hours later, she's healthy. And naked. And wants to fuck. All the time. That's all she wants to do is fuck. It got so bad I thought it was gonna turn into a porn film any minute. Then I wondered what the ending was gonna be like.

Here's what I came up with before I saw the ending:
1. She's gonna be so horny that she fucks herself to death, riding a sharp steel spike of some kind.
2. She was gonna start fucking dead bodies, because for some reason they live in a cemetary.
3. She's gonna fuck George to death.

So it turns out the dust wears off and the wife gets sick again. George promises to get more dust, so he takes a giant thermos to work and fills it up with Mars dust. Alex catches him and tells him he can't cause it's risky. George simply bops him on the head with a walkie-talkie and this not only kills Alex but causes his fucking eyeball to pop out of his head. The fuck? Was his eyes held in by cheap super glue?

Anyway, George manages to take Alex's body and puts it in his trunk and he drives home. He puts Alex's body in a freezer and gives the wife some dust. Then they fuck some more. George is getting tired and is about to go to work when I was kinda sorta right about one of my theories:

She fucks Alex. But turns out Alex is now a zombie. I guess if you're George Romero and you make an anthology movie, you gotta have zombies in it somewhere. Anyway, the wife is into this and wants George to join in on the weird necrophilia three-some here. George shoots Alex, and accidently shoots the wife, but they keep on coming towards him.

George runs out and soon, all the people in the graves start rising up. And then...that's it. So...did they all fuck George to death? Let's say yes and wrap this up.

Volume 2 is way better, but not by much. It's probably more interesting and SLIGHTLY better acted. I only loved the crazy ass third story in Vol. 2, but it was too little too late. Just skip Volume 1 and put on Volume 2 for only the third story. Maybe the second one if you have a lady hanging around.

And George Romero, just give it up, huh? Don't fuck up your legacy by putting out constant crap year and year. Ok? Thanks!

Volume 1:


Volume 2:


-Jason

Reader Choice Results

So after much begging and plugging, I finally got enough votes to tally up all the movies I'll be watching in January. And I know certain people were wondering if certain movies will win or not. So let's not delay this any further. Going from the least amount of votes to most votes, I will be reviewing:

Deadtime Stores Part 1 and 2
Chillerama
Zombie Nation
Pinocchio's Revenge
Rubber
Cool As Ice
Birdemic
Die-ner (Get It?)
Starship Troopers
Long Kiss Goodnight

This is going to be the most interesting month ever. Thanks to all who voted!
-Jason

The Soto List: The Top Ten Awesome Things About 2011

So 2011 is about to shut it's door on us and has we move on to the year that'll probably bring the end of the world, I thought this would be a good time to reflect on the year gone by. Sure, why not?

10. I Won My Third LAMMY-If this is the first post you've ever read of mine, The LAMMY's is an award the LAMB (Large Association of Movie Blogs) gives out every year to all it's members. Every year since I been a member I been nominated for "Best Horror/Sci Fi" blog and out of those four years, I won three times. I've been nominated for "Funniest Writer" once or twice but lost to people funnier than me. But this year, I racked up my 3rd win for Best Horror/Sci-Fi and I couldn't have been happier. Next year, I think I'd like to win Best Podcast for The Lair. That'd be awesome! Speaking of The Lair...

9. The Lair of the Unwanted Has Gotten More Awesome By The Episode-I'll be the first to admit the first season of The Lair was shaky at best. The sound was fucking terrible, I have no idea what the fuck I was doing, and I didn't know Nolahn very well so I'm sure the chemistry wasn't there. Now, as it wrapped up Season Two, I think we're firing on all cylinders. Me and Nolahn couldn't be better friends, I figured out how to fix the sound, and I sorta kinda know what I'm doing. And we've had some awesome guests come through. But watch out! Next year, baby!

8. My New Feature-About 10 weeks ago, I started a new feature called "The Netflix Corner" where I spotlight a movie that's on Netflix Instant Watch and then play a game where I give a Netflix-like description about a movie and people have to guess what it is. And in the years past, I've started many reoccurring features that never seem to pan out but this one, man, people took a liking to it. And I'm glad, cause I have fun with it.

7. All The Awesome Stuff I Wrote-This is gonna be the biggest ego-centric entry here. Just a quick look back at some of my favorite posts from the past year.
I reviewed Stacie Ponder's (AKA Final Girl) "Ludlow".
I reviewed "The Bride of Frank" after a friend of my Future Wife's sister kept telling me to.
After a shitty day at work, I watched and reviewed "Cannibal Holocaust".
I wasn't nominated for Most Funniest this year and this was my totally mature response.
31 Things I Learned From Watching Bad Movies
The Troll 2 Drinking Game
I reviewed "Dreamaniac"
Remembrances of Video Stores Gone By
Why We Need Video Stores Again
Me and Nick Jobe wrote an awesome detailed review of "A Serbian Film" for Halloween.
My Shia LaBeouf Post
And finally, my review of "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2".

6. I've Met Some New Friends-Thing about naming names is you're most likely bound to forget somebody. I've met a bunch of people this year through podcasts, Twitter, Facebook, and writing for MILF. Oh yeah, speaking of...

5. I Got To Write For Another Website-Earlier this year, Dylan and Kai shocked the blogasphere by announcing they were quitting their perspective blogs, joining forces, and starting a new site together! That ended up being Man, I Love Films. And in the days before they launched, they came up to me and said "We need someone to write awesome horror movie reviews" and when the person they had in mind couldn't do it, they asked if I could do it instead. I jumped in with both feet and I've been grateful ever since. I'm still nervous that I'm gonna fuck something up but it's been a lot of fun. Plus I get to write about GOOD horror movies from time to time. Oh and, uh, you should probably check out the other stuff posted at MILF. I guess.

4. All The Awesome Movies I Watched This Year-Whenever you get to review some of the worst movies that's ever existed, you tend to come across some...less than stellar films. But often among the turds, you'll find a shining diamond. For example, this year I got to watch a movie called "Truth or Dare? A Critical Madness" with some friends and it was seriously the best experience ever. Then I got to introduce "The Room" to someone and it was just great seeing her reaction to it and now she's obsessed with it. I'll say my work here is done.

3. This Awesome Comment Adam Left-As linked aboved, I wrote a post about how I could've prevented Shia LaBeouf from ever happening and about my journey into Project Greenlight. Adam, who sometimes write reviews here, left this awesome comment and I'm gonna post the whole thing here now:

Ugh. I remember Project Greenlight. I had 2 friends; one who swore that he was the next big Hollywood director and another who thought he was a brilliant writer. They wrote a script, which I won't write the title of here because these fuckers probably still google it once a week because they thought it was sooooo awesome they wouldn't shut up about it for 5 years after it was over. For all I know, they're still trying to secure funding for this shit.
Before they submitted their script, they had me read it and give them feedback. My payment for this service was a pack of cigarettes.
Anyway, their script was a ridiculously pretentious vampire "art" movie that had no action, was impossible to follow, and seemed to focus on some asshole vampire (who was too deep for his own good), brooding over whether or not he should turn a particular child into a vampire while sitting on freeway overpasses being sullen. His mother and girlfriend were also vampires and his mother told long, boring stories in a 24 hour coffee shop (this monstrosity was actually written at The Steer) that were supposed to be profound but were just painful to read. (Keep in mind that these assholes began writing this in the late 90's, when an idea this stupid wasn't actually too far off from the shitty vampire movies of our late high school years).

All I know is when I told them the dialogue sucked and that their was no action and nothing at all to draw anybody into the movie, they, of course, told me I just didn't understand their creative genius.
My favorite part of their criticism of my criticism was when the "director" told me that I just didn't understand film noir. Perplexed, I asked if this was some sort of stylized crime drama set in the 40's or 50's, or maybe supposed to be in that style and I just wasn't reading that in their script. He looked at me like I was retarded and said no. He had no idea what film noir was! Not that I have a firm background in it to this day, but you shouldn't throw around names of sub-genres if you are just guessing what they mean by taking French for a semester freshman year. (BTW, this asshole once put you in a lead role in a high school play).
Anyway, from what I remember, they both read the other scripts and gave them low ratings even though there was some supposedly awesome zombie comedy in there that blew their fucking minds. They didn't want to give it a high grade because they didn't want the competition. As you can imagine, their FUCKING AWFUL script got shitty reviews. But, obviously, the people reading it didn't know a thing about film noir.

Then I said it sounded worse than "Twilight" and he responded back with:

From what I can tell, the main difference between Twilight and their vampire movie is that Twilight has a plot and characters. It might be a shitty story with terrible characters, but still. Their movie had virtually no plot. I don't even think the characters had names; like the main guy was VAMPIRE and his mom was MOTHER and the child was THE CHILD. And seriously, virtually nothing happened. I can't stress this point enough. No vampire attacks. No group of intrepid teens hunting the vampires. All the conflict was internal and it wasn't resolved. It was just the main character sitting alone and being morose about his sad existence of sitting alone and being morose. I cannot stress how much I hated this "story."

2. The Awesome Episode of The LAMBcast I Hosted-Also known as "THE BEST EPISODE OF THE LAMBCAST EVER!!" Sometime in August, Dylan said he was too sick or tired or something to host a couple of episodes so I stepped in to host one episode and I decided to do a favorite of mine: Roll Your Own Top 5! And I took this opportunity to bring in Nolahn for this first ever LAMBcast experience. Add James, Tom Clift, and that Sam guy who'll never read this and you have yourself an awesome episode. Seriously, check it out here!

1. All My Readers-Sometimes it feels like I'm not super popular or get a lot of hits. I don't get much feedback and sometimes when I put a poll up, I have to beg people to participate in it. But in the long run, I am grateful to you guys who do take the time out to read it and I should be lucky to even have one person reading all this shit I write. So to you guys, I say thank you very much and of course Happy New Year!
-Jason

The Netflix Corner #9

I hope you all had an awesome Christmas. I did. With that lame opening said, let's get to it.

I reviewed this movie for Man, I Love Films this week and it's my recommendation because this movie is strangely awesome. Of course, I'm talking about "New Years Evil".

Now, onto The Netflix Game. I thought for sure we'd have a stumper on our hands, but Steve always surprises me. Here's the current scores:

Nick-26
Dan-7
Steve-4
Rachel, Dylan-3
Joe-2

And here are last week's answers:
Hard: Big guy forgets who he is and thinks he's someone famous.-Santa With Muscles
Medium: This guy just wants to have the best Christmas ever! Dammit!-National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Easy: He needs to learn his lesson in time for Christmas. (Only taking ONE answer for this one.)-Scrooged

And here ya go:

Hard: A guy sets out to make a movie about another guy, but that guy decides to make a movie about him instead.
Medium: A married couple has some unexpected guests in their house and need the help of a strange guy to get rid of them.
Easy: Kinda like "Hamlet" but set in a jungle.

There ya go! Have fun!
-Jason

I Battled A Royale!

If for some strange reason, you're not familiar with The Demented Podcast, it's a bi-weekly podcast by Nick Jobe and Steve Honeywell. They talk about two movies in a genre, then play this really hard but fun game at the end. I did so well on my episode that I was invited back in their big tournament called The Battle Royale. Give a listen before reading what I have to say about my appearance:



So did you listen? The fuck is the matter with me? All I can say is I got caught up in everything and got way too fucking cocky (or penis-y) and just fucked up. You have NO IDEA how awful I felt. And I fuckin' knew the answer but no! But oh well. It was still a lot of fun and I'll be back on their show next season. Hopefully I'll do better.

Hopefully.
-Jason

A Yearly Holiday Tradition

I didn't film a new Christmas special this year so I'll just re-show you last years special. It's still pretty good if you ask me.



Anyway, Merry Christmas!
-Jason

2012 Will Be My Year...And YOURS!!

So 2012 is literally a week away (or so) and there's all kinds of neat nifty things I'd like to accomplish before the world ends in December. One of them is to make The Lair of the Unwanted a Top 10 LAMB Podcast AND win a LAMMY. But while I work on all that, I decided it's time to give back to my readers. And how do I do that?

YOU TELL ME WHAT TO REVIEW! YAY!!!

Yes, it's Reader Recommendation time again! And this time it's gonna be a doozy. I'm gonna give you guys TWENTY (20) movies and the top 10 votes I will review. I posted links to the trailers to some of the movies, if you needed a clue on what they were. After watching some of them, I have some movies I hope will win, but this is all up to you guys, the reader!

Die-ner (Get It?)

Starship Troopers

Cool As Ice

Rubber

Zombie Nation

Chillerama

Birdemic

Pinocchio's Revenge

Graduation Day

The Dentist

Deadtime Stories Part 1 and 2

Simon Says (not Simon Sez)

Seed

Visiting Hours

Bane

Open House

The Evolved

Make A Wish

Long Kiss Goodnight

The Task

I will allow for multiple votes so you can vote for whichever ones you want. I will keep it open until New Years Eve and on New Years Day I will tally up the votes and announce which 10 movies I will be reviewing in January. Fun? Yes. Ready? 

GO!

-Jason

The Netflix Corner #8

Merry Christmas! So this Netflix Recommendation is probably cheating, but it's a annual Holiday tradition here in this household, where we watch "Mystery Science Theater 3000: 521-Santa Claus". Probably my favorite Christmas TV show episode ever.

But onto The Netflix Game! Dan came back after guessing the hard option and MIGHT have a shot of taking Nick down. Maybe. Here's your updated scores:

Nick-26
Dan-4
Rachel, Dylan-3
Joe-2
Steve-1

Last week's answers:
Hard: Two men go searching for a new Santa Claus.-Ernest Saves Christmas
Medium: A lovable drunk guy helps out a kid.-Bad Santa
Easy: Two best friends go searching for a Christmas tree. Misadventure ensues.-A Very Harold and Kumar
3-D Christmas

Alright, I hope this week's isn't too hard for you. Good luck!

Hard: Big guy forgets who he is and thinks he's someone famous.
Medium: This guy just wants to have the best Christmas ever! Dammit!
Easy: He needs to learn his lesson in time for Christmas. (Only taking ONE answer for this one.)

Have fun!
-Jason

Festive Up In This Bitch!

It's officially December 20th, which means Christmas is soon at hand. I don't know what the weather is like around you (probably nice, since 80% of the people I know live out west where it's fucking 75° all year long) but here, instead of cold and snow, it's been around 50° and raining. If I wanted a depressing wet Christmas, I'd move to Seattle.

BOOM! Insulted Seattle. Cross that off my bucket list.

But anyway, it won't be a white Christmas but it's still Christmas. And I need help getting into the Christmas spirit that doesn't involve Christmas songs about Jesus, Santa, or creepy date rape songs. So why not read some movie reviews of Christmas movies? Yeah? Sweet!

I already linked to Dope's awesome review of "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2" yesterday...but it bears repeating.

Nolahn reviewed the REMAKE of "Black Christmas", which starred a lot of hot chicks. SPOILER ALERT FOR THURSDAY: I will be reviewing the original at Man, I Love Films.

Over at CouchCutter.com, he reviewed the often forgotten '80s horror movie "Elves". Oh "Elves". You weird wonderful fucking movie.

Emily at Deadly Doll's House watched a Tori Spelling movie. That in itself is amazing, but the movie she reviewed is called "A Carol Christmas". Three guess on what the fuck the movie is a retelling of. Yeah.

Over at Man, I Love Films, Wayne from "Reel Whore" reviews "Die Hard". What? It's a Christmas movie!

And finally, I'm not sure if you're aware of this but since I closed down The Site, I been slowly transferring all those reviews to Blogger. I've started a separate blog to host them. I have them linked up above where it says "Archive" but if you wanna read all my old Christmas reviews here they are:

Silent Night, Deadly Night (Mass Invasion)
Santa Claus (Mass Invasion)
Jack Frost
Santa's Slay
The Star Wars Holiday Special
Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny

And that'll do it! I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and whatever else you may celebrate!

Ho!
-Jason

Merry Christmas From Blogger!

"Oh crap!" I thought one fine day in December in Indianapolis, Indiana, the home of the Super Bowl, as EVERYTHING IN THIS GOD DAMN TOWN KEEPS TELLING ME, "I forgot to include a link to The Great White Dope's awesome review of 'Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2' in my 900th post wherein I reviewed said movie. I know! I'll just make a new post about it! That'll be easier!"

As I foolishly thought this thought, I went to my Dashboard and clicked on "New Post" and as I was about to write something funny, clever, and possibly witty, I noticed something. "The fuck?" I said outloud, to nobody besides all these stuffed animals that I pretend talk in awesome videos I make for the Internet. It's a wonder nobody tried to have me committed yet. "Why does the post look different...where's the link?! Where's Compose AND the HTML buttons? THE FUCK!?!" I then calmed down and decided to take to said Internet. Surely, my fellow Blogger friends will tell me they're having the same problem. I leave a status on Facebook asking people to tell me if they are having the same problem with Blogger, and sit back and wait for thousand upon thousand of replies saying "No, Jason, you awesome handsome devil you! It's only you!" or "Yes, Jason you really cool guy that I'd love to hang out with all the time, I too am having the problem!"

Sadly, none of those comments came. So either I'm going insane or the entire world is. Both seem possible at this point. So I decide to wait it out.

Chapter 2: The Next Day

It is now the next day. I go to New Post and...nope. Nothing. Son of a fucking bitch!

Chapter 3: Another Day Goes By

 Day three. Check again. Nope! Chuck Testa! I decide to mess around with it. I did recently change my layout, maybe it had something to do with that? I go to the LAMB, which DID NOT change and...nope. It's gone from there too. FUCK! Now what? Suddenly, what do my wandering eyes see? "Switch to New Blogger Interface". Oh Blogger, if this was a ploy to get me to try the new interface, I'm gonna get SOOOO mad and-

Chapter Four: Guess What? It Was A Ploy

FUCK YOU, BLOGGER!!! You can't make me! You can't make me!! "But if you want to include links, or change the HTML in your posts, or do anything else, you're gonna have to!" Blogger said, in a rather sleazy tone. I knew if Blogger could talk, it'd sound like Ron Jeremy. Ugh. So fine. I guess I have to use this god damn awful Interface that's confusing and hard to understand. Oh...it shows me traffic? Ok, I kinda like that. I guess. Anyway, thanks for the gift, Blogger.

And now for what I was trying to do in the first place: The Great White Dope wrote an awesome review of "Silent Night Deadly Night Part 2" and you really should check it out if you didn't like my review of it. And frankly, my review was more of a fanboy look at it, while Dope's was more of a critical smart guy look at it. I think Dope has an IQ of like 498. Maybe he can tell me how to fix this Blogger interface thing.
-Jason

The Netflix Corner #7

In a film that seems to have people split, I'm gonna have to go with:



I had so much fun watching this movie. I have to wonder if the people who didn't like this movie took it too seriously? I mean, I'm sure they didn't. But it's an awful lot of fun. Weird characters, strange situations, fuckin' Rutger Hauer! I mean, what more do you need, man??

Onto The Netflix Game! Last week we had some new players! I'm always glad to see that. Let's see how the scores look:

Nick-23
Joe-2
Rachel, Dylan-3
Dan, Steve-1

Last weeks answers:
Hard: A kid gets a Christmas gift that immediately causes a whole bunch of trouble.-Gremlins
Medium: An out of towner messes up a robbery.-Die Hard
Easy: An angry person ruins a towns Christmas. Maybe.-How The Grinch Stole Christmas

Here's this week's clues. Have fun!

Hard: Two men go searching for a new Santa Claus.
Medium: A lovable drunk guy helps out a kid.
Easy: Two best friends go searching for a Christmas tree. Misadventure ensues.

Good luck!
-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #24: Something Something Beach Party

In this episode, Jason and Nolahn take on two beach movies...sort of. Movies covered are "Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine" and "Surf Nazis Must Die". Also we come clean about our favorite movie scene on a beach and so much more. Well, not too much more.

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2

So this right here is my 900th post. I knew I had to make it something special so why not devote it to the most AWESOME Christmas movie I've ever seen. Why this movie isn't played for 24 hours on a loop on some channel I'll never know. In fact...I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING THIS CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

Anyway, "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2".

This is probably going to more about talking about the movie than reviewing it. This movie does hold a special place in my heart. I've talking about it non-stop. I've shown it to friends. So it's time I dive into the history of this movie. While talking about it.

First off, if you haven't seen the first movie, DO NOT WORRY! The people behind SNDN2 (as the kids say) got you covered. The first 45 minutes flashback to all the events of the first movie. The flashback is being presented by Ricky, the younger brother of Billy from the first movie. Don't think too much about how he knows all this stuff despite being only a baby AND not being there. Maybe he read a lot of newspaper articles and police reports.

The first time I seen this movie, it was like 1998 or 1999. My friend Bill had a shit ton of movies he and his Mom got from a video store that was closing and this was one of them. I guess he watched it before showing it to me cause he was super excited to have me watch it. And as we were watching it, I said "yes, this is a mighty fine film." And I was grateful for all the unneeded flashback stuff.

Anyway, after the flashback of the first movie, we focus on Ricky and his problems. His story is he was sent to many foster homes trying to adjust cause he kept having problems with nuns and the color red. Hmm...I wonder why?

Here's the thing about this movie. The first movie was about Billy and his problems of Santa Claus raping his mother and killing his parents and feeling the need to punish bad people, no matter what your definition of "bad" is. But here, Ricky actually kills people that kinda deserved it. Like his first kill was in a field somewhere and a couple is out having a picnic. Soon, the guy starts getting fresh with the girl and tries to rape her. She manages to stop him in time. Realizing he's not getting any, the guy walks away. And Ricky runs him over with a car.

Then there's the scene where Ricky kills some mafia goon guy who looks like Al Bundy in an alley. I was kinda rootin' for Ricky. I should mention that Ricky is played by Eric Freeman. Everyone here knows how ape shit I went over him but honestly, he's the best actor in the world.

When me and Bill watched it, we kept quoting all his lines non-stop. He just has a way of saying shit. Such simple things like "I had to GET a JOB!!!" and "RED CAR! GOOD POINT!" You need to see it to get it. And I'll be happy to show it to you.

Eventually, Ricky falls in love with a girl named Jennifer and he's happy for a long time. He still has a temper, like in a hilarious scene in a movie theater where Ricky kills some loud mouth asshole who keeps talking through the movie. Oh and get this. The movie they're seeing? Is about a guy who dresses up as Santa and kills everybody.

Hilarious.

I've lost count how many times I've seen this movie. Every time I watch it, I see something different in it. It's why I'm kinda bummed the DVD is not easy to find. But my friend Bill gave me the VHS copy he got and I'm proud to have it. Ah, hard to find movies on VHS.

Jennifer's ex-boyfriend, who looks like David Bowie at odd angles, shows up to bug her. Ricky isn't too happy to see him so he kills him. And this kicks off the most hilarious killing spree ever. You've probably seen one part of it but here, in it's entire glory, is the ENTIRE killing spree.



God, I love that. I was surprised, when I discovered the internet, the whole GARBAGE DAY! thing became a popular meme. Sometimes, I love the internet.

So this is why Ricky is now in jail. He kills his doctor/shrink/lawyer whoever he was talking to and simply walks out of jail. Alrighty. He decides to hunt down Mother Superior, who caused him and his brother so much trouble growing up. And Mother Superior must've had a stroke OVER a fryer cause her ENTIRE face is like melted off. Anyway, Ricky shows up dressed as Santa (of course, it's a sequel to a guy-dressed-as-Santa-killing-people movie) and, well, kills Mother Superior. Yay!!

There's an ambiguous ending whether or not Ricky is killed by the cops. Judging from what I heard about parts 3-5, it doesn't really matter. Maybe one day...

Obviously, the best part about this movie is Eric Freeman. If you watched that clip up above, you'll see why. His acting, his eyebrows, his voice. Needs to be seen to be believed. And if you're still not convinced, come over to my house and I'll make you watch this movie.

-Jason

And so the countdown begins! 100 more posts until 1000! WOW!

The Soto List: Really?! Edition

I don't normally do mainstream stuff here but I do watch a fair amount of mainstream stuff in my "off" time. But 2011 seemed to be a lackluster year for movies, even for me. There's been a shitload of movies that I looked at the trailer and said "Yeah...not even I would touch that". "Jack and Jill" immediately come to mind. (Can't wait to read Nick's awesome DVD review of THAT!)

Along with the stuff I've seen and all the crap, are movies that I saw and went "well that looks stupid/lame/not very good" and then all of a sudden, people start losing their shit over it! And I sit back and go "really?! THAT'S good?! Are you sure?" cause I'm convinced it's one big conspiracy to trick me to watch horrible movies that I wouldn't normally watch. What movies am I talking about?

5. Transformer 3: Something Something Dark Side of The Moon
The first two movies are the biggest pieces of shit movies that I've ever seen. Part 2 the worst. So when the trailer for part 3 came out, I rolled my eyes, said a loud "ugh" and went home and urinated on my voodoo doll of Michael Bay. Then the movie came out and people were like "DUDE! This movie...is actually good!" It's got a 6.4 out of 10 on IMDb (this is why I don't use Rotten Tomatoes for stuff like this, part 3 has 35%, part 1 has 50%, but part 2 has 24%. I don't...whatever.) and all my online friends, who I NORMALLY listen to, said "no really, it's not that bad." I'm sorry, I refuse to believe that. And I was planning on skipping the third one because the first two fucking suck royal cock AND because it doesn't have Megan Fox, the only reason I barely tolerated the first two to begin with. But, because of YOU GUYS, I will have to give this a watch. But my expectations are low!

4. Rise of The Planets of The Apes
I saw the trailer for this and said "that looks fucking stupid" and "why was this made?" I mean do people REALLY care how the apes took over? Isn't it enough the apes took over eventually? And wouldn't this just mean the first hour and 20 minutes is just people says "oh apes will never take over the world" and the last 10 minutes going "oh shit they totally CAN take over the world. My bad." But then the movie came out and everybody wouldn't shut up about it. The funny thing is, people were surprised. I refuse to believe this movie is really as good as everyone makes it out to be.

3. Drive
I was like "this looks like a boring remake of 'The Transporter' and...fucking Ryan Gosling? He's not an action guy? The hell? Fuck this movie." Then it came out and, holy fucking hell jesus christ I'm out of motherfucking curse words because everybody wouldn't shut the fuck up about this movie. I watched the trailer again and said "well, maybe there's more in the movie than the trailer is letting on" which is a good thing. But the trailer didn't make me want to watch it. It looked boring as fuck. And Ryan Gosling? I mean....FUCKING RYAN GOSLING?!?

2. Crazy Stupid Love
This is a famous argument I got into on The LAMBcast some months ago. We had to watch this trailer and talk about it. I watched it and said "eh, I don't do romantic dramas" and everybody said "WHAT?! It's a comedy!!! It's "40-Year-Old Virgin"! What do you mean "romantic drama"?! Convinced I watched the wrong trailer again, I said "Um, the one with Steve Carrell? He's divorced? He's trying to get back into the dating scene?" Yes, THAT movie. Ok...where the fuck is the comedy in that? How is that ANYTHING like "40-Year-Old Virgin"? Seriously, I think everybody is just fucking with me at this point. I still refuse to watch this because, again, I DON'T DO ROMANTIC DRAMAS! AND it's got Ryan Gosling in it. Case closed.

1. Fast Five
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! I FUCKING REFUSE TO BELIEVE THIS MOVIE IS GOOD!!! The first movie FUCKING BLOWS! There shouldn't have been a sequel, let alone GOD DAMN FOUR of them, AND it's the 5th one in the series that people love?! The fuck kind of sense does that make!! NO! I'm sorry, everybody. You HAVE to be wrong about this. There is NO FUCKING WAY this is good. Fuck THAT shit!

So there you have it. Those are my 5 movies from 2011 that I can't believe people like. I'm sure there's some more smaller ones but these were the ones that sprung to mind. And if you took offense to anything on this list, well, sorry pal. You're gonna have to convince me otherwise.
-Jason

R.I.P 2005-2011

And the website is officially gone. Turns out I have to wait until after the 12th to repurchase the dotcom name because I didn't go through their complicated transfer process. I'm fine with that. So just a reminder, if you have my dotcom name, change it to here for now. Or just leave it. Whatever.

Meanwhile, I will be working on transferring all the reviews to the Archive. It's gonna take awhile cause I have over 150 reviews. Plus all the "Date My Mom" stuff, shorts, and whatever else I had.

Anyway, to anyone who did go there, thanks. I hope you stick with me here at the blog, cause I will be doing more reviews. Honestly. Why you looking at me like that?
-Jason

The Netflix Corner #6

Howdy all! This week's movie recommendation is gonna be a favorite '80s movie of mine. And that's gonna be "House".



No, not the TV show. OR the weird Japanese film. The film starring William Katt AND Norm from "Cheers". AND Bull from "Night Court". If only Alan Thicke made an appearance. Anyway, if you haven't seen "House" check it out!

With that done, time for The Netflix Game! I can't believe no one got the hard one last week. I didn't think it was THAT hard. Anyway, here's your scores and answers.

Nick-23
Joe-2
Dan, Steve-1

Hard: In order to prove himself, this guy must do dangerous things.-Hot Rod
Medium: A man is sent into a prison to look for a very important person.-Escape From New York
Easy: An inexperienced man tries to have sex. Hilarity ensues.-40-Year-Old Virgin

And this week:
Hard: A kid gets a Christmas gift that immediately causes a whole bunch of trouble.
Medium: An out of towner messes up a robbery.
Easy: An angry person ruins a towns Christmas. Maybe.

Good luck!
-Jason

A Memorial To Remember

Here's a trivia track for you:
-Movie references: "Easy A", "Heathers", "The Sixth Sense", and "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2". (Not the garbage day scene.)
-The picture of me was from a set of pics I took when I was working on a book a few years ago. They are of me in front of my movie collection.
-I actually know the words to the first two songs because I hear them EVERY! SINGLE! DAY at work. The third is just one of my favorite songs.
-The angles used to film me are all from Cokie's Point of View. Which is why it's so low.
-The song used at the beginning is "I Hope You Die" by The Bloodhound Gang.

That's it. I'll have more still this week, leading up to the final day of the website on Thursday. So stay tuned!
-Jason

The Prince of Pennsylvania

This is one of those movies I don't know what to do with. It's not bad enough to watch at a bad movie party. It's not good enough for everybody to have seen. It's not hilariously bad to make people watch. It's just simply...there. And I own it. On VHS. As a screener. I didn't even know this movie was released until I did some research and saw Roger Ebert did a review of it, and it's available on DVD through Netflix. But I figured I'd at least talk a bit about it.

Let's go back to 1988. Or 1989. Whatever. I was either 8 or 9. And I had a cousin who worked in a video store. As a result, she'd bring home all these screener tapes of movies that were coming out on video. Most of them were popular, like "Rain Man" and some weren't. Like "Prince of Pennsylvania". And for WHATEVER reason, she decided to give me "Prince of Pennsylvania".

I remembering being confused by it as a 9-year-old but what did I care? It was a free movie. I was happy! Since then, I've rediscovered it about 3 or 4 times. It sits in my VHS collection today but again, I don't ever plan on showing it to people. So just to get it out of the way, here's what this movie is about.

It stars Keanu Reeves. Yeah, how about that? You know who else is in this movie? Fred Ward! And Bonnie Bedelia (Mrs. John McClane)! What a cast, huh? Ok so Keanu is the teenage son of Fred Ward and Bonnie Bedelia. He doesn't go to school. He steals. He spends his time in a junkyard taking things. And he likes fucking an older woman.

Not much else happens. Bonnie Bedelia ends up cheating on Fred Ward with his friend (kinda like the "The Room" but with less football playing). Fred Ward and his friend work in a coal mine and they end up trapped in the mine for 16 hours. Because they thought they were gonna die, the friend confesses to the affair...but then they survive. Awkwaaard!

There is one funny moment in the movie when Fred Ward gets home and confronts the wife. He has an epic meltdown and starts yelling about all the things he bought her, including the VCR. She claims she didn't want a VCR, so he yells, pulls it out of the wall, runs outside, and throws it into a pool. It's really the only reason to watch this movie.

So despite the movie starring Keanu and he looks like this:


the movie doesn't focus too much on him. That is, until he realizes his dad sold some valuable land and is hiding the money. So Keanu and his older girlfriend decide to kidnap the father and have him tell them where the money is. But this is Fred Ward, so he doesn't give in that easily.

To get him to talk, Keanu takes Fred Ward back to the mine and threatens to blow it up if he doesn't tell him where the money it. It's revealed to be hidden inside a locked port-a-potty. Then there's a 20 minute chase scene down the mine, before it blows up and they think the older girlfriend is dead.

The movie more or less simply ends with Keanu walking down a hallway, cuffed to a refrigerator door. It's...not worth explaining. But that's it. That's "Prince of Pennsylvania". Sounds interesting, doesn't it?

Not really. It could've been funnier. Or more interesting. Or something. Not even Keanu sounding like a surfer in Pennsylvania could save this. I say don't bother watching it. But will I ever give up my copy? Probably not.

-Jason

The Netflix Corner #5

Oh my god, this movie is on Instant Watch! Now NOBODY has an excuse to not watch this! I'm of course talking about motherfuckin' "Lone Wolf McQuade"!



It's well documented all over the internet how much I fuckin' LOVE this movie. It should be declared the National Movie of America, it's so badass. So that is my choice for this week's Instant Watch.

Now onto The Netflix Game. I really wish more people would participate. Well, let's see how this week goes. But first, last weeks answers and scores:

Nick-21
Joe-2
Dan-1

Hard: America declares war on another country after the country does something offensive.-South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut
Medium: A guy is called to help save a girl who's acting really strange.-The Last Exoricsm
Easy: A group of people must solve a murder that could be one of three solutions.-Clue

Ok, here's this weeks. Good luck!

Hard: In order to prove himself, this guy must do dangerous things.
Medium: A man is sent into a prison to look for a very important person.
Easy: An inexperienced man tries to have sex. Hilarity ensues.

That's it. Have fun!
-Jason