Let's Remake Plan 9!

Some time ago, I saw a trailer that got me excited! I ruined a-many LAMBcast's talking about this during Trailer Talk (Back when it was "BYOT: Bring your own trailer") when it was announced. This is a trailer for a serious remake of "Plan 9 From Outer Space".



It's due to be relased in 2011 (unless the Mayans were wrong) and I can't wait.

But let's pretend for a moment this remake wasn't happening. There was no monster, no man named Douglas to be found. (I'll explain this reference some day, I swear.) Let's pretend, then, that Hollywood got ahold of the remake script, decided to spend a shitload of money on it, and spent actual time on making a decent film on an interesting idea. (Say what you will about Plan 9, it's a pretty good idea for a story.) Who would play what? And who would write and direct it? I shall answer those questions for you now!

(I want to say that I'm only casting the main people. There are a few roles like some army people, some flight attendants, and a general that don't need a big name actor, unless you wanna be cutesy and give them cameo roles, like Michael J. Nelson as the General or something.)

Jeff-Originally played by Gregory Walcott.
The character of Jeff is suppose to be the strong strapping husband and hero of the movie. He's a pilot and doesn't take any of this alien/rising dead nonsense standing still! So who to cast him in the remake?



Ryan Reynolds. I think he'd be a great Jeff. He's handsome, he's fit, and since he's seems to play in a lot of superhero movies, he can kick some ass. Plus, ladies, imagine him in a pilot's uniform. Yep, you better go get changed.

Paula-Originally played by Mona McKinnon.
Paula is Jeff's wife. She spends most of the movie being scared, being chased, and pretty much passed out. Since it's the year 2010, I imagine this role is probably gonna change a bit and have her a bit tougher and able to stand her own ground. Oh and most likely, she's gonna be unbelieveably hot. This is a tough one but I'll go with...



Scarlett Johannson. I really had a tough time figuring this one but I think it'd work. She's hot, she was awesome in Iron Man 2. And I promise I'm not gonna be casting nothing but people who were in superhero movies. I swear. And plus...she's REALLY married (I think married) to Ryan Reynolds. I know movies with a real life married couple playing a couple in the movie don't do that great, but these two don't seem as annoying as Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez or Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. At least I don't think so.

Inspector Dan Clay-Originally played by Tor Johnson.
Oh man, this is going to really tough. There's no one really still alive to capture this big hulking guy who can't talk right. Granted, this character doesn't need to be a big hulking guy who can't talk right, but I think for old times sakes, it should. So I guess the obvious choice would have to be...



Kane Hodder. This dude is GIANT! And he's scary looking. And he does OTHER things besides play Jason. I think it'd be a perfect fit.

The Wife/Vampire Girl-Originally played by Vampira.
Yeah, you could be funny and cast Elvira in this role. But think about it. Vampira is/was a hot chick with nice tits, kinda pale, and very goth looking. Think about a modern actress that fits that description. I'll give you a minute...hint...Tim Burton...



Helena Bonham Carter. Right? Right? You're picturing it, don't deny it. Yeah, she won't be speaking much (if at all) but who knows? In the remake, they might have a scene showing her before she died.

The Ruler-Played by "Bunny" Breckinridge.
This is probably going to be the most drastic change of character. Bunny Breckinridge was a friend of Ed Wood's and was cast in the movie cause of this. If you couldn't tell, Bunny was gay and it really showed in the movie. So the problem is the casting of this. I'm sure the character of the Ruler, the head alien in charge of this invasion, wasn't meant to be gay at all. It just kinda happened. But when I was thinking of this role, one person came to mind that I think would do a good job with it...and he happens to be gay. Quite famously.



Alan Cumming. He's a pretty good actor. He can play a straight guy. He can play an American (I believe he's British or something). So he could play this character the right way, I believe. He just happens to be gay. So sue me.

Eros and Tanna-Originally played by Dudley Manlove (*snicker*) and Joanna Lee.
They were the two alien helpers/assistants who set motion this Plan 9. I grouped them together cause they rarely have scenes individually. So, we need a guy and a girl who work good together. How about...



John and Joan Cusack. Ok, the characters aren't related...or are they? It's not ever said really. So in the remake, we don't have to say but why not? Plus, John and Joan been in a number of movies togethers where their characters weren't related. Why none of the other characters ever acknowledge that they look alike is beyond me but whatever.

The Patrolman-Played by Conrad Brooks. Also a friend of Ed Wood's. He looked like he was 12 in this movie. People are going to kill me for this choice but try to think about it...



Shia LaBeouf. I know I know I KNOW! He's annoying. He thinks he's too big of a star for such a small part. I KNOW! But I can't think of any other younger actor who's more perfect for the part of a twerpy rookie cop who's kinda useless.

Lt. John Harper-Originally played by Duke Moore. This may not sound like a familar character to you by name, but he had a big part in the movie. He was the idiot cop who kept pointing at everything (including himself) with his gun. If you make him a bit smarter and maybe a bit more cooler you'd get...



Joesph-Gordon "Jo-go" Levitt. I just wanted to cast him in something. So sue me.

I don't get why he's called this but Ghoul Man-Originally played By Bela Lugosi. This is going to be really, really hard. Bela's really only in some small parts of the movie. He famously died during the filming of it and a replacement was casted, with the guy covering his face. I really hate to lose that so maybe in the remake what could happen is when he's alive he could be normal, but he died in a horrible accident, disfiguring his face. When he's reanimated, he's a bit shy about this so he covers his face. How about....



Robert Englund. Yeah, there'll be call-backs to Freddy, but he don't have to be BURNT per-se. Plus, he'll have experience on playing a guy with a fucked up face. Maybe he's not a fan of his real face? You never know.

Last but not least...Criswell-Originally played by himself.
This is the narrator of the whole movie. Now-a-days, movies don't have narrators. So if you kinda change it up a bit, you could make this character a news jouralist or a news reporter or maybe a talk show host. Let's go with news reporter. Someone trust worthy, covering and recapping everything. He's got to have a great voice. I'm talking about...



Bill Kurtis. He's a real news guy. He was the narrator in "Anchorman" but he can do the same thing here, but seriously. Plus imagine him saying this:
"Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember, my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future. You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable. That is why you are here. And now, for the first time, we are bringing to you the full story of what happened on that fateful day. We are giving you all the evidence, based only on the secret testimonies of the miserable souls who survived this terrifying ordeal. The incidents, the places, my friend, we cannot keep this a secret any longer. Let us punish the guilty. Let us reward the innocent. My friend, can your heart stand the shocking facts about grave robbers from outer space?"

Ok maybe not. It'll have to rewritten a bit. But still. Keep in the "this is where and I are going to spend the rest of our lives" bit. If this was a comedy, this could go to Stephen Colbert. Not that I think he can't do serious, but if people see he's in a movie nowadays, they'll expect comedy.

So there you have it. This would probably be the best remake ever! Oh, right. Who would write and direct it. Well why not...



Stranger things have happened.
-Jason

Reader's Choice Poll #4: December 24th Review

This winner surprise me, really. It was a dead heat for most of the week but at the last second someone voted for "Drive-In Massacre", making it this week's winner. I'm kinda glad, honestly. That should balance out the weirdness of the first two weeks.

Onto the next week, as you see by the date, it'll be Christmas Eve when this review goes up, so naturally a Christmas movie is in order. But which one? Here are your choices:

1. Christmas Evil (AKA You Better Watch Out)-
IMDB Says: "Widely recognized as the best of the Christmas horror efforts, Christmas Evil is the story of a boy who loves Christmas. He is scarred as a boy when he learns that Santa is not real. Throughout the rest of his life, the toy-maker tries to make the Christmas spirit a reality. He becomes obsessed with the behavior of children and the quality of the toys he makes. When he is met with hypocrisy and cynicism, the resulting snap causes him to go on a yuletide killing spree to complete this dark comedic horror."

2. Santa Claus Conquers The Martians-A MST3K classic!
IMDB Says: "Martians, upset that their children have become obsessed with TV shows from Earth which extoll the virtues of Santa Claus, start an expedition to Earth to kidnap the one and only Santa. While on Earth, they kidnap two lively children that lead the group of Martians to the North Pole and Santa. The Martians then take Santa and the two children back to Mars with them. Voldar, a particularly grumpy Martian, attempts to do away with the children and Santa before they get to Mars, but their leader Lomas stops him. When they arrive on Mars, Santa, with the help of the two Earth children and a rather simple-minded Martian lackey, overcomes the Martians by bringing fun, happiness and Christmas cheer to the children of Mars."

3. Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2-Oh FUCK YEAH!
IMDB Says: "The door of the mental hospital opens, releasing Ricky from its confines. He takes with him the terrifying memory of his brother Billy's death and the burning image of Mother Superior-the powerful figure that brought about his brother's violent demise. For Ricky, starting a new life means avenging his brother's death. By whatever means necessary, whether it be the cutting edge of a shiny steel knife blade, or the electrifying charge of a set of battery cables, Ricky is set in this blind journey of revenge leading ultimately to Mother Superior. As Mother Superior prays in the dark, we suggest she say an extra prayer for herself, because not even her faith will be enough to stop Ricky. But prayers will do little for in the silent part of this night!"

4. Don't Open Till Christmas-
IMDB Says: "A murderer is running loose through the streets of London, hunting down men dressed as Santa and killing them all in different, and extremely violent, fashions. Inspector Harris has decided to take on the unenviable task of tracking down the psychopath, but he's going to have his work cut out for him. Only the suspicious reporter, Giles, seems to offer the Inspector any promising leads."

5. Santa Claws-On the latest episode of "The Lair" I said the fifth title was Silent Night, Bloody Night. But as I was getting the description I found it doesn't really have anything to do with Christmas. So I took it off and replaced it with this one.
IMDB Says: "Raven Quinn is a scream queen with a couple of problems... her marriage is falling apart and her next door neighbor is not the nice guy he seems to be. You see, he is obsessed with Raven and wants to do anything to make her happy. This includes anyone he feels is exploiting her in even the slightest way. He gets nuttier and nuttier and eventually begins dressing up like Santa Claus and killing people with a claw."

There ya go! Five Christmas "classics"! Pick wisely! Lump of coal! Usual Christmas jokes here!
-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #11: MST3K Appreciation Part 2: The Joel Years

We finished up our appreciation of all things Mystery Science Theater 3000 by talking about Joel Hodgeson, who played Joel Robinson for five seasons, on top of being the creator of the whole damn show! To help discuss all things Joel, frequent writer at Invasion of the B Movies Maria stops by to confess her love for Joel.

In one of the more action packed episodes, Jason announces that December is going to be Reader's Choice month at The Site and having the readers pick what movies he should review. Nolahn tells us about all the great things that went down during his B-Movie Bonanaza.

We all also come clean and talk about our favorite Joel episodes, read what the listeners said were their favorites, and respond to our first email! YAY!!

Then after a brief tense flashback, we discuss the history of MST3k, about the creations and it's beginnings in Minnisota, explaining why part 2 is occuring in November.

The movies, and episodes, discussed were "Gamera vs Guiron" (Episode 312) and "Warrior of the Lost World" (Episode 501).

Some stuff to click on:
www.invasionofthebmovies.com/battlefieldearth.html (One of the many Mass Invasions Maria did with Jason and a few others)
www.invasionofthebmovies.com/murdersetpieces.html (To see how I REALLY feel about Murder Set Pieces)
http://bargainbinreview.com/blog/2010/11/09/wrap-up-bargain-bin-review-b-movie-bonanza/ (Video footage of the Bonanza)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9DaTinwfAE&NR=1 (A snippit of the KTMA-era)
www.facebook.com/thelairoftheunwanted (Official Facebook Page of The Lair)
thelairunwanted@gmail.com (Email address)

New Review: Ninja Cheerleaders

The review that was delayed cause of the USPS is now up!

Ninja Cheerleaders

Enjoy!
-Jason

Jason Made A Video #10

Jason doesn't know what to do for the 10th video.

Reader's Choice Poll #3: December 17th Review

Man, December is going to be a weird month for me. First "Dumpster Baby", now "Forbidden Zone". Not that I'm complaining, I think these choices are awesome. So let's do the third one, shall we?

1. Fear No Evil-
IMDB Says: "High school student turns out to be personification of Lucifer. Two arch angels in human form (as women) take him on."

2. Godzilla vs MechaGodzilla-Possibly my favorite Godzilla film!
IMDB Says: "Aliens intend to take over the planet and, just in case Godzilla tries to interfere, have built a mechanical version of him to put an end to his interference. The Earth humans summon the legendary King Seesar to assist Godzilla in the battle."

3. TerrorVision-
IMDB Says: "A civilization on a distant planet has found a way to solve its garbage problem: turning it into energy and beaming it into outer space. A flaw in this system is found when the signal is accidentally picked up on Earth by the Putterman Family's home satellite dish. While this would ordinarily be just another mess, this particular transmission contains a hungry trash monster who quickly begins snacking on various Puttermans. Only young Sherman Putterman has any clue what is going on, but nobody will believe him. Is there any hope for the Earth?"

4. Wasp Woman-
IMDB Says: "The founder and owner of a cosmetic factory, Janice Starlin (Susan Cabot), is concerned with the dropping sale results of her company. The scientist Eric Zinthrop (Michael Mark) offers to her his research with wasp enzymes that makes animals younger, and she immediately accepts to hire him, provided she becomes his human subject. She decides by her own to accelerate the treatment injecting additional serum trying to see earlier results, becoming the lethal "Wasp Woman"."

5. Drive-In Massacre-
IMDB Says: "Two police detectives try to catch a serial killer who is stalking a rural California drive-in theater, randomly killing people with a sword."

Ok, those are the next five! The poll will be up until Friday so don't delay!
-Jason

Sad News!

I need to carefully word this because yesterday, on top of it being Veteran's Day, which is an awesome way to give thanks to all the men and women in the military for doing things I'd never want to do in a million years, it was also National Everyone Is A Sensitive Dumbass and Takes Nice Meaningless Things And Turns Them Into Evil Things Day.

First there was the story that the front page of Google yesterday had a Islamic symbol in their name, right next to an American flag.

Then there's the one about people hating Jim Davis cause they thought he was insulting veteran's in his comic strip, which if you dont' know is about a certain fat orange cat who loves lasagna, hates Mondays, and hates spiders even more. Yes, I'm talking about "Ziggy".

So what I'm about to say, to carefully word this for the same dumbasses, is thanks to the United States Postal Service not running yesterday, I have no review for you today. I'm not saying it's cause of Veteran's Day. I'm glad we have Veteran's Day. But does the post office need to be closed of it? I just want to know.

The movie I was gonna be reviewing was SUPPOSE to arrive yesterday. I was counting on it to arrive yesterday. But nope. I checked my mail yesterday to find it sans Netflix DVD and I did a Darth Vader "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" in my apartment lobby. How I'm still living here, is beyond me.

So anyway, long story short (too late) I'm gonna be bumping this down to next week. Sorry if you waited a whole week to hear my thoughts on Ninja Cheerleaders. Blame the USPS, not me.

I doubt there's any fans of the USPS. I should be in the clear on that one.
-Jason

POST 700!!

700 posts. Jesus. (I know, irnoic with the picture and everything. Sometimes I don't think these things through.)

I've made a bid deal about these types of posts before so I knew I needed to do something special for this one. Unfortunately, I don't really have anything planned. So instead I'm gonna talk a lot about some cool shit! How about that? WOO!!!

1. The director of "Timecrimes" saw the third episode of "Jason Made A Video" where I talked about his movie, then sorta recreated it, and he posted about it on his Twitter. This made me go WHOA! Yeah, I should be use of getting the attention of movie directors, but this guy is kind of a big deal! A lot of people REALLY like "Timecrimes" and I think he's gonna head up the American remake (of course there's an American remake). Hmm..I wonder if he'd cast me as Hector? Hell, I'll even take the Lab Guy part. That'd be awesome!

2. I've done some LAMBcasts that I haven't posted about. The main one I wanna feature here though is the Halloween episode. This is probably by far the most interesting episode ever. Here's some behind the scenes tidbits for you!
I was set to host all along, but I wasn't sure who all was gonna be on with me. Dylan's not a big horror movie guy and Nick said he had something to do. Kai said he'd love to do it, along with James. At the last minute, Dylan emailed me with a new suggestion for a topic (the original was Top Five Favorite Movies to Watch on Halloween) and I passed it along to everyone else.

Nick, seriously at the LAST MINUTE said he'd do it. Oh and earlier that day, I had like the worst day at work. And it was Dylan's birthday. So take all of that and mix it and you got the weirdest sounding episode ever!! This episode took about 3 hours to record and Dylan sent it to me to edit it down. I got it down to an hour and a half (give or take) and a lot of it was me sounding pissed off, it seeming like everyone was making fun of me, everyone annoying everyone else, and to top it all off, it was my turn to have my website audio blustered. Listening back to it, I can hear the hate and anguish in my voice. But in the end, Dylan Nick Kai and James are still my friends and I'm glad we got through that. So give that a listen!
(As of this writing, they're still my friends. Maybe it's what they WANT me to believe!)

3. I bought some interesting movies this past week. I bought "Frankenhooker", which was made by the same dude that made "Basket Case", so my expectations are high on this one. I also bought "Trick R' Treat" cause that movie was just great. And I also bought "Suicide Girls Must Die!" If that sounds familar, it's cause it's part of the Reader's Choice Poll. But I heard of this movie prior to putting it on the poll. Honestly, even if it's not picked, I'm gonna watch it soon anyway.

That's it, honestly. I don't have much else to say. 300 more posts and I'll be at 1000. Man. That probably won't be until 2018, where I'll be posting it in my flying car while getting a blowjob from a robot named Susie 9000. Can't wait.
-Jason

Jason & Bill Meet The Human Centipede

True story.

Mid-October, I'm doing a trip to Target to get some things. As always, I snoop through the DVD department to see if anything went on sale or what's new for the week. The particular week I went, there was one movie that was new:



MOTHERFUCKING HUMAN CENTIPEDE!!

My exact reaction to this was "WHAT?? WHY IS TARGET SELLING THIS???" Then I had to explain to security why I was screaming in their DVD isle. I have not seen the movie at this point but I knew a few things about it. I knew some fucked up shit happened. I knew it was kinda gross. And probably just not right. So why is Target selling this? Why am I not finding this movie at a flea market or at some crusty shady video store or out of some guys van? Really? This movie is available to the public to buy all willy-nilly? Wow!

So I bought it.

As I was walking home, a thought crossed my mind.

"This movie is too epic to watch by myself. I need to share this experience with as many people as I can."

Knowing that the first weekend in November I was going to be returning to my hometown up in NorthWest Indiana, I decided to see if any of my friends up there would gather to experience the viewing of this instant cult classic.

My best friend Bill was all for it. He was cool with having it happen at his house. I decided to set up a Facebook page and invite all the NWI (Not Netflix Instant Watch, Dylan and Nick) people over. I was gonna buy some brewski's and start all the shenanagins at midnight.

Flashforward to the day before I leave. The Facebook event had confirmed guests: me and Bill. That. Was. It. I don't know if everyone just pussied out, or were not available, or even "not available" meaning "Yeah I rather jump into Lake Michigan naked during December while eating ice cream than watch this stupid movie with them two."

I was hoping maybe someone would change their mind and maybe show up. I bought some other movies and decided hey let's stay up all fucking night watching shitty movies! YA-HA!!!

So I arrive the night of Thursday, November 4th. Still no other people interested. By the time midnight Friday rolled around, I gave up hope. Me and Bill didn't even bother going back to his house. We knew no one was there.

Flashforward again to Saturday night. After visiting my Mom, me and Bill went to get some food and we said "fuck it. Let's just watch it our own damn selves!" Bill said 'FUCK YEAH', which was unfortunate cause we were still in the restaurant.

Now, if you made it this far, AND you watched my latest "Jason Made A Video", you kinda got a glimpse on what we thought of the movie when we return to his house at 1AM that Saturday night/Sunday morning. Here, is my full report, as it was happening. Take this with a grain of salt cause I was a bit intoxicated.

The movie starts and it plays out like a typical horror movie. Some creepy looking guy. Two stupid (and I mean STUPID) girls. Dark night. Woods. Car breaks down. Instead of, say, walking down the fucking road they were on, these two geniuses head off into the woods. There, they find a nice house. They knock on the door and creepy dude answers. He immedately drugs their drinks and they pass out.

They wake up, find themselves tied to hospital beds and learn creepy guy is/was a doctor and he wants to make the worlds first Human Centipede by connecting them mouth to ass. There's a Japanese guy who only speaks Japanese, which makes for an interesting "head" of said centipede.

After a half-hour of waiting, the centipede is unveiled and nobody is too happy with this situation they find themselves in. And it's here that it stops being a B-movie and turns into Jason's worst nightmare. Oh my god, I need to go back in time and redo the Halloween episode of the LAMBcast cause this is my number one of things that freak me out: being a fucking human centipede!

This shit is fucked up, yo! And here's the kicker: the Japanese dude HAS TO SHIT IN THE GIRLS MOUTH!! We don't see actual shit going into her mouth but the emotions are there. Especially when the dude is like "I HAVE TO SHIT I'M SORRY!!"

Despite all three people, or one human centipede, being basically naked, we don't see the girls tits, which was a bit dissapointing cause the girls were hot. As my friend Bill said to me later, considering the situation, would I have really enjoyed it? Probably not. But still.

So the only reason this is even happening is cause creepy German doctor is CA-RAZY!! He doesn't intend to create something the scientific community has never seen before. He just wants a "pet" made up of three sad human beings, two of which are forced to eat shit FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES!!

Stop reading this and imagine this. You wake up, find yourself connected to the ass of someone. And you have to eat shit for the rest of your life. Try not to be disturbed by that. Go ahead and cry. I know I did.

And FUCK YOU people who were all like "Ohh, this movie is stupid. It's not scary or disturbing. It was boring. Blah blah blah." WHAT! THE! FUCK! IS! WRONG! WITH! YOU!! Are you a serial killer? Do you NOT have any emotions or souls? Are you just dead inside?

Seriously. Stare at this imagine and try NOT to get depressed.

Granted, the people in the movie are kinda throwaway characters but still, we're watching HUMAN BEINGS sewn mouth to ass, forced to eat shit, because some creepy crazy doctor guy wants a unique pet. I mean FUCK ME! For those of you NOT phased by this movie, you need to email me your address. I got some roofies and an angry Japanese guy who likes to shit a lot with your name on it.

So the final 30 minutes is REALLY crazy. Some cops show up. Creepy crazy doctor yells at them, tries to roofie them, the human centipede is slowly trying to escape. SPOILER FOR THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE BUT MOST LIKELY YOU DON'T CARE BUT JUST IN CASE!!!

....

Japanese dude kinda decides to just kill himself. The second chick who's the tail end of this centipede is dying of some weird blood thing or something. Or starvation. Whatever. The middle chick is kinda screwed cause now she's got dead bodys on both ends of her. Crazy doctor is killed, along with the cops, and the camera simply pans up and ends. Most likely that chick is dead within 24 hours cause she obviously can't move. Even if some more cops come looking for the other cops, it'll be too late.

Oh, I forgot to mention. Crazy doctor pulled out the girls teeth, inserted an esophogus into their throats, connected to the ass, into their stomaches. No amount of plastic surgery is gonna fix that. So yeah, second girl is screwed. The end.

Now, there's gonna be a sequel. No details on what's gonna happen in the sequel has been revealed besides it's gonna be a FULL sequence. I can't even imagine. I've been laying awake at night trying to imagine 12 people, all connected via asses, squirming around.

God, I never had nightmares until this movie entered my life. And you know what that means? I FUCKING LOVED IT! God, I'm sick, aren't I? I should get some help. And if you read this far, congratulations, you just read a major breakthrough about me. I'm gonna be looking up psychiatrists now. In two years, I'm gonna be a different person. Writing about Diane Keaton movies where Katherine Heigel plays her daughter and it's based on a novel by Nicholas Sparks. And wearing a beret.

Fuck, just kill me now.

-Jason

Jason Made A Video #9: Filmed On Location

In This Video:
-Jason is filming in his old hometown way up in NorthWest Indiana.
-His friend Bill Szany is on to help him.
-They discuss the movie "Motel Hell".
-They play "Fact or Crap"
-Finally, they discuss watching "The Human Centepide".

Reader's Choice Poll #2: December 10th Review

Man, you people REALLY want me to review "Dumpster Baby". So be it! The December 3rd review shall be "Dumpster Baby"! With that said, let's get into the next week review! Which of these five shall I review?

1. The Evolved-I bought this on a whim a few years ago but I never got around to it. Just a heads up, it's produced THROUGH Troma. I haven't had too much luck with those.
IMDB says: "Dead dogs, foetus burgers and Nazi clown-chefs; something smells fishy in London; and for once it's not Glover's pants. Detective Danny Glover, Scarborough Police's premier dog-napping-ring buster and general fat bastard, arrives in London to help the clinically psychotic Detective Sonny Boy with a little problem: Who is butchering London's dogs? The answer seems obvious at first, it must be Burger Priest; the Pope's Neo-Nazi clown-chef empire: home of the 'Amen with Cheese', a rancid burger made of fingernails, turds and aborted foetii; just don't ask what goes into their 'Nunion Rings'! Detectives Glover and Sonny Boy engage on a covert mission to uncover Burger Priest's dark secret; but even they are unprepared for the true horror and depth of the fast food franchise's depravity. Assisted by Feety, a heroin-addicted foetus, and Ellen Mellon, a New York reporter who also happens to be an animated ventriloquist's doll, they must reveal the Pope's evil plan and shut down Burger Priest for good. Along the way they learn the truth behind London's drug-addled pregnant teenagers and come face to face with the reality of their own sordid addictions. If this isn't enough, there's a third force at work. Something is stalking and killing Burger Priest's Nazi clown-chef army. Something that crawled out of the ocean, hell bent on revenge. A creature so terrifying men dare not speak its name; the semi-evolved shark terror known only as: THE EVOLVED. If only God existed, maybe he could help you."
That was long. (That's what...oh you know.)

2. Forbidden Zone-I've heard a lot about this movie and I think I had it on another poll before.
IMDB says: "A mysterious door in the basement of the Hercules house leads to the Sixth Dimension by way of a gigantic set of intestine. When Frenchy slips through the door, King Fausto falls in love with her. The jealous Queen Doris takes Frenchy prisoner, and it is up to the Hercules family and friend Squeezit Henderson to rescue her."

3. Meet The Feebles-
IMDB says: Heidi, the star of the "Meet The Feebles Variety Hour" discovers her lover Bletch, The Walrus, is cheating on her, and with all the world waiting for the show the assorted co-stars must contend with their own problems. These include drug addiction, extortion, robbery, disease, Drug dealing, and even murder. While this is happening the love between two of the stars is threatened by the devious Trevor the Rat, who wishes to exploit the young starlet for use in his porno movie business."

4. Shark Attack 3: Megalodon-I've raved about this movie in one of my videos. It'd be worth the review, trust me.
IMDB says: "Twenty-four million years ago, Megalodon was a 20 tonne killing machine with a 10 foot gaping bite. When two researchers discover a colossal shark's tooth off the Mexican coast their worst fears surface - the most menacing beast to ever rule the waters is still alive and mercilessly feeding on anything that crosses its path. Now they must hunt the fierce killer and destroy it... before there is no one left to stop its reign of terror!"

5. Suicide Girls Must Die!-I just bought this from Best Buy and it seems interesting.
IMDB says: "When twelve nude models for the infamous SuicideGirls.com begin disappearing from a remote cabin, the calendar video they are shooting becomes the first reality horror movie."

Ok, there ya go! It's up to you, New York readers! Let me know what you want to see reviewed on December 10th. Poll ends on Friday, so vote NOW NOW NOW!
-Jason

Jason On Jason: Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan

So pretty much, the makers of this movie realized they were doing Part 8 and decided to piss all over the previous films buy making up their own shit that happened to Jason. Sure, they gave the basic "Jason drowned and his mom went nuts" but when they flash back to it, it's nothing like how it happened in parts 1-3.

Hell, the beginning with Jason isn't even tied with what happened to him at the end of 7. If you recall, a psychic chick summoned her dead dad out of Crystal Lake to take Jason down to the bottom. Here, he's underneath some rubble, like he was a victim of a Earthquake or something.

Some "teenager" are on a boat making out when lighting strikes, causing Jason to be reanimated. He climbs on board and kills them both. Whatever.

Next, a group of "teenagers" are getting on a BIGGER boat, cause they're going on a cruise to New York.

WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT!!!

I always got the impression Crystal Lake was somewhere in the midwest. Maybe cause there's an actual city called Crystal Lake in Illinois, but I swear this was mentioned at some point. So now they're on some coastal city where they can cruise up to NYC? You know what? It's part 8. I should just relax.

To MST3K fans: You ever seen the episode "Agent for H.A.R.M"? You know the main guy wo played, well, the Agent for "H.A.R.M"? Well that guy is in this movie! He's sort of an asshole and he's the uncle to Rennie. Rennie has some issues that aren't explained until the final 10 minutes of the movie so I'll just explain them now cause I'll probably forget.

To show Uncle H.A.R.M is an asshole, when Rennie was a kid he threw her into Crystal Lake in hopes of teaching her to swim. She didn't get the hang of it and almost drowned. While almost drowning, she saw Jason as a kid down there and freaked out. Ever since then, she's been afraid of the water.

So Uncle is like "why is Rennie here on this cruise? Blah blah blah I'm an asshole!" Oh and to top it off, Uncle is also a teacher at their school. How nice. Through a magical plot device, Jason shows up as well and becomes a stow away. And well, now Jason is...you know-



So the basic routine happens, instead of a forest they're on a boat. We get some MINOR character developments, like one dude Sean his dad is the captain of the boat so he's expected to also be a boat captain but Sean doesn't want to! He wants to be...something else! YEAH! Screw you Dad! I hope Jason kills you!

Oh, there's an hilarious crew member who's not given a name, he just pops up on screen, literally, to say things like "we're all gonna die!" and "Jason has returned!", then he dissappears.

A bunch of other kids are killed, not even creatively. At least Jason could've went with a nautical theme and killed them with like harpoons, anchors, and poopdecks. (huh huh huh poopdeck)

Whatever. Anyway, through all the killings Jason did, a fire is started below deck and this causes water to fill up the engines. The other teacher, who isn't an asshole, puts the remaining alive students, besides Rennie and Sean of course, into a room and tells her to wait for her there. Two minutes later, the nice teacher tells Sean she has to go back for them and Sean says "No we can't, that room is underwater now."

Oh well, ok. Sure. Glad we saw that happen.

So Asshole Uncle, Sean, Rennie, and Nice Teacher all get on a lifeboat and row away from S.S Titanic 2. They row for awhile until they come across NEW YORK CITY! YAY! And finally!

They get to shore and look for a phone when Jason, who is apparently half dolphin, shows up on shore as well. Oh and the way New York is depicted in this movie is hilarious. I know 1980's New York was different than it is now, but I doubt it was this bad. Every single person they came across was either a murderer, a rapist, a drug dealer, a gang member, a skin head, a punk, or just a bored resident who didn't want to do anything with helping anybody. Almost instantly, two guys comes out, robs everybody, and takes Rennie to rape her. I just remembered they shot her with heroin but this is quickly forgotten.

Before Rennie is raped, Jason shows up and kills the rapists, but giving her enough time to escape. OH SHIT! One of my favorite kills happens! This TOTALLY happened!



God, I love that!

At some point, nice teacher is killed, and so is Asshole Uncle (yay!) and now it's just Rennie and Sean running through New York City, NOT getting help from anybody. They end up in the sewers, which fill up with toxic waste every night at midnight so they have, OMG 2 minutes to get out! NOOO!!!

Does that really happen? Really?

So Jason doesn't get out in time and is washed away by the toxic waste. Rennie and Sean try to enjoy New York, the most unfriendlyst town ever!

The only thing I liked was the head getting punched off scene, but that wasn't enough to save it. There was a whole subplot about the prom queen being a bitch and fucking the uncle but honestly, you didn't come here to hear about that so why even go into detail about that? This movie was lame but probably a lot of fun at a party. Oh well. First New York, next stop...HELL!!

-Jason

PS: I forgot to mention, Jason seems to have gained the ability to teleport cause there was a scene where literally every place this dude ran to, Jason was there. That was kinda funny too.

Reader's Choice Poll #1: December 3rd Review

Ok, folks, this is for what you think I should review on December 3rd. An explaination can be found here. The links in the titles takes you to the IMDB page, so check out the poser art if that's how you decide on these things. Your choices are:

1. Ghost Ship-Travis of The Movie Encyclopedia seems to hate this movie. I seen it a long time ago and don't really remember there being a problem. So let's give it another shot, shall we?
IMDB says: "After discovering a passenger ship missing since 1962 floating adrift on the Bering Sea, salvagers claim the vessel as their own. Once they begin towing the ghost ship towards harbor, a series of bizarre ocurrences happen and the group becomes trapped inside the ship, which they soon learn is inhabited by a demonic creature."

2. Motel Hell-This movie is famous, at least to me. I seen it one night on TV as a kid and it freaked me the fuck out. My friend Bill swears by this movie.
IMDB says: "Farmer Vincent kidnaps unsuspecting travellers and is burying them in his garden. Unfortunately for his victims, they are not dead. He feeds his victims to prepare them for his roadside stand. His motto is: It takes all kinds of critters...to make Farmer Vincents fritters. The movie is gory, but is also a parody of slasher movies like Last House on the Left." (I don't know about that last sentence...)

3. Skeeter-Doug Funnie's best friend goes on a murderous rampage! Ok, not really. That'd be cool though.
IMDB says: "Another ecological disaster results in mosquitoes growing to the size of bats (very rubbery, non-scary bats). Of course they have to suck a lot of blood. Humans have to find a way to fight back!"

4. Illegal Aliens-Anna Nicole Smith's final movie. How could I NOT cover this?
IMDB says: ""Charlie's Angels" goes sci-fi, with a touch of "Men In Black" thrown in for good measure, when three aliens morph into super-hot babes and arrive to protect the earth from the intergalactic forces of evil. Guided by Syntax, their holographic mentor, these Illegal Aliens are willing to use every trick in the book and every sexy outfit in their wardrobe to accomplish their mission! This film is filled with high-energy action, lowbrow spoofs and the high-camp acting reminiscent of the classic B-Movie genre how else could this film get away with Anna Nicole Smith saving the world? "Illegal Alien's" pokes fun at today's Hollywood and pays tribute to the so-called "Bad Movies" we all love to hate!"

5. Dumpster Baby-All those years ago when I last did a "you pick the movie I should review poll" this was one of the choices that no one picked. Will it be picked this time around?
IMDB says: ...nothing. No synopsis. Huh. Guess you'll have to go in blindly on this one.

6. Fantastic Four (The Roger Corman Version)-This famous bootleg of the failed 1994 Fantastic Four film is like movie legend. You can only find this on the internet or at conventions. Thankfully, I have connections!
IMDB says: "When an experimental space voyage goes awry, four people are forever changed by cosmic rays: Reed Richards, inventor and leader of the group gains the ability to stretch his body and takes the name Mr. Fantastic. His girlfriend, Sue Storm, gains the ability to turn invisible and create force fields becoming The Invisible Girl. Her little brother, Johnny Storm, becomes The Human Torch with the ability to control fire, including covering his own body with flame. The pilot Ben Grimm is turned into the super-strong, super-tough Thing. Together they become a team of super-heroes and use their unique powers to foil the evil plans of villains."

There you have it! The poll will be up until Friday November 5th. So vote! And choose wisely. This is YOUR chance to make ME suffer...

...god I should rethink this whole thing.
-Jason

Zombie Month Wrap-Up/Final Link Love

PHEW!!! What a month! I FEEL like a zombie after all that. What did I do this month, you may ask? Well...

-We kicked things off with a Site review of "Retardead", possibly the most politically correct movie ever.
-I then took on George A. Romero's "Diary of the Dead", which Sean said "more like Diarrhea of the Dead!" BOOM! He nailed it.
-Speaking of nailing it, "Survival of the Dead" was next and oooh boy.
-I reached to include "Trick R'Treat" into zombie month. Still a kickass movie! (I don't know when the actual Meatloaf will be posted. Jorge, who runs the thing, is in wacky L.A time, so he thinks he still has 6 hours to post it. Pfft. It'll be 3AM in REAL time and it'll be too late. Oh well...)
-"Poultrygeist" was the next Site review and I tried my hardest NOT to give it too hard of a time.
-My friend Maria stepped up and wrote a review for "Dead Snow", which was awesome cause she got to use me to describe a character in the movie. Maria's awesome.
-"Oasis of the Zombies" happened. Yeah.
-I updated my Site review of the classic "Dawn of the Dead".
-After much pestering, I finally watched "Bio Zombie", which was totally worth the pestering.
-"Return of the Living Dead" was awesome!
-My update on "Day of the Dead" was not.
-I finally seen "[REC]". Holy hell, that was awesome!
-FUCK "Vampires vs Zombies"!
-Equally fuck "Redneck Zombies"!
-I liked the remake of "Day of the Dead" a bit more, but still a bit lackluster.
-Finally, the ass-tastic "Zombiez" rounded (Literally! HI-OH!!!) out the month.

Man, what a busy month for me. I should take a vacation. In fact...I think I will!

Oh before I go, some links for you!

Nick at Random Ramblings of a Demented Doorknob did a review of a movie called "Hide and Creep". Check that out.

And our good friend over at "Acheteretentretenirsatronconneuse" was busy. He gave us:
Pontypool
Dead Men Walking
Zombie Women of Satan
La Noche de los Brujos
Porn of the Dead (this one extremely NSFW)
Hot Spring Zombie Vs. Stripper

Ok, vacation starts...NOW!
-Jason

December is Reader's Choice Month!

The month of December, whether you like it or not, is usually devoted to Christmas. You spend the entire month worrying what you're gonna get your loved ones. You worry about where you're gonna have Christmas dinner. And god help you if you HOST Christmas dinner. Then, it's all over in a blink of an eye and next you know, it's another year and you feel old, so you go to the liqour store and buy as much booze as you can handle, and then some, and go home, alone, and drink while watching every "Friday the 13th" movie with your cat Mittens and you are so depressed and lonely and you look out the window and wonder how many floors it is, 6 or 7? Does the bottom floor count? Would it still hurt? You-

Oh. Sorry.

Anyway.

Since it's a month about giving and not recieving, I decided to turn the programming of The Site to you as a gift! That's right! YOU GET TO TELL ME WHAT TO REVIEW FOR THE ENTIRE MONTH OF DECEMBER!! How fucking awesome is that?

Now, I've done this before by asking people to give me movies that for whatever reason, that didn't work out so well. I figured people who read about shitty movies seen at least ONE shitty movie in their life and would think it'd be fun for me to poke fun at it. But that's not the case.

So instead, I went and picked some movies that sound interesting to me and I'll have YOU pick which five you think I should take on! I'll list each one and give you a short description, with a link to IMDB so you can look at the poster art. (I'm not giving up my image space that easily!) Then you vote which one and I'll review it!

There's 25 movies in all and I'm gonna post five a week throughout November, with a new poll on each Monday, and having them end on Friday. It sounds easy enough. Let's hope that's the case, shall we? Anyway, I'll start the first five on November 1st, so keep an eye out!

Merry Christmas!
-Jason

New Review: Zombiez

If you hate zombies in your zombie movie, but love asses, this is the movie for you!

Zombiez

Asses!
-Jason

The Soto List: Some of My Favorite Horror Movies

It's that time of the year, when Halloween is so close, you can smell that weird plastic used in kids Halloween's costumes wafting in the air. It's around this time that people are like "Pffft, horror movies! I always LOVE horror movies! SEE?" and they make a list featuring "I Know What You Did Last Summer" and the remake of "The Amityville Horror". Then November 1st, they go back to their movies starring Phillip Seymour Hoffman called "Jake Farts Roses" or something.*

Anyway.

I'm clumping in with this a feature Kai Parker over at The List does once in awhile. He has people write about three movies that don't get a lot of love and thinks people should check out. He wouldn't let me write a lot about them so I wrote a thing out for him and fleshed it out here. I'm sure this is something he didn't want me to do but I told him I don't play by ANYBODY'S rules, man! I'm a rebel, Dottie! A loner! But to check out the awful PG-13 version that the studio insist I cut, check out Kai's post HERE.

Since I focus on bad movies, which sometimes fall into the realm of horror, I thought I'd do a list of some of my favorite horror movies. There's going to be a lot of movies that probably won't make other people's lists but I guess that's what I'm known for, amirite? So here, in no particular order, is my list of SOME of my favorite horror movies.
(Just know, I put in a few main-stays but left off typical ones like "The Exoricst" and "Nightmare on Elm Street". Just wanted to mention that before I get any "Hey what about-" emails.)

20. Bad Ronald-This is first cause it's probably more of a thriller than horror. But nonetheless, it's creepy as fuck. I plan on doing a full review of this at some point, but for now, I'll just give you a general plot outline. Ronald is a weird shy kid who gets made fun of at a party. On the way home, he accidently kills a little girl. He runs home and tells his overprotective mother, who instead of turning his little boy over to the police, hides him in the walls of their house until "things blow over". But when Mom dies and the house goes up for sale with Ronald still in the wall its when SHIT gets REAL, yo!

19. Drag Me To Hell-I recently watched this movie and I fell in love with it. The ending I sorta predicted but I still liked it. The story is pretty easy too: A hot chick pisses off a Gypsy who curses her with a demon that plans on, well...read the title. It's pretty fucked up. And I like it!

18. Sleepaway Camp-Ok, this movie is "campy" (HA!) as hell but the last 2 minutes you will never, ever, ever, ever EV! ER! fucking forget. I haven't seen the movie in about two years and still that last image flashes in my head-



OH FUCK ME!

17. Bloodsucking Freaks-This movie isn't THAT scary, but it left me with an uneasy feeling long after I watched it. It's one of the movies I need to add images to the review, but I've put it off for a damn good reason. The story is some dude named Master Sardu runs some place where he tortures and kills women in weird ways. He also ships women to other countries. It's kinda fucked.

Speaking of fucked...

16/15/14. Inside/High Tension/Martyrs-French make some fucked up movies. I grouped these three together cause when I think of one, I think of the other two. Plus they all have the same level of creepyness. To quickly run them down:
Inside is about a pregnant lady at home after her husband was killed in a car crash on Christmas Eve. She's due any day, but some crazy lady breaks in, wanting to take the unborn baby out of her.
High Tension is about a chick staying at a friend's house when a murderer shows up and kills the friend's family, so now the chick must follow the murderer to save her friend, who's still alive. Kind of an iffy twist at the end.
Martyrs...ugh. Fuck that movie.

13/12. Poltergeist/Paranormal Activity-Something about ghosts and other worldly beings doing shit and being all invisible while doing it freaks me the fuck out. I think stuff like that is way scarier than murderers and whatnot cause I can see them. When something moves on it's own and there's nothing there, fuck me I'm running out the door.

11. Paranormal Activity 2-Was way fucking creepier than the first one, that's why it gets it's own listing. I don't care if I'm alone on that.

10. The Changling-Another ghost movie, but this is more related to a scene. So George C. Scott moved into this big ass house by himself when some weird stuff starts happening. He does some digging and figured out some shit went down a long time ago. So he brings in a psychic/medium to hold a seance to contact the ghost in the house. This seance is the creepiest thing ever. The psychic is communicating with the ghost by writing a piece of paper and words start forming. And they're also tape recording this and when it's played back...hang on.

Holy shit, it's on Youtube. I DARE YOU to watch this:


9. The Blair Witch Project-True story, I saw this opening weekend back in 1999. When I got back home, it was dark. My mom wanted me to take the garbage out. Now, I didn't live in the woods or anything, but it was a small city that didn't really believe in street lights. Especially in alleys. So needless to say, that was the fast I ever threw out the garbage. I don't think I even went to the can. I think I just launched it from the back porch and ran back into the room and cried.

8. Popcorn-Drifting away from shit that scared me to some good b-grade horror, I love this movie. A bunch of kids put on a film festival showing 50's and 60's style horror movies, with a William Castle-theme to them. But a psycho killer is going around, killing the kids. It's awesome fun. Check it out!

7. Cat's Eye-This is a horror anthology of sorts. There's three stories and the same cat is present in all three stories. One story features James Woods trying to quit smoking so he signs up for this program that'll guarantee he'll never smoke ever again. Another story focuses on some dude stuck on the ledge of a building. I don't remember that one too well. The last story...oh man, the last story. The cat must fight this evil thing that lives in Drew Barrymoore's wall. It's pretty freaky.

6. Parents-I BARELY remember this movie, but when I seen it as a kid I knew it was creepy as fuck. Randy Quaid and another chick are the Parents. The entire movie is from the point of view of their kid. The kid begins to suspects something is up with his parents, especially after they get into the "meat making" business. This movie is truly terrifying cause out of everything that they can make scary, what's more scarier than making your parents an oject of horror. Yeah, woods, TV's, and old houses you can avoid. But you can't avoid your parents. And anyone who ever tried to breeze through their old hometown knows this.

5. Manos: The Hands of Fate-Now bear with me for a second. The movie itself is horrible. From the acting to the directing to the filming to the lighting to the dubbing. But if you think about the story...it's kinda fucked up. Now, pretend you never seen this movie, either by it self or the MST3K version and read this:
A family, including a very young girl, is on vacation. They arrive at some lodge that mysteriously appeared and they're greated by a creepy servant named Torgo. It turns out this lodge is the home of a cult that worships a god named Manos and the leader, The Master, takes on many wives. The Master, and Manos, sets their eyes on the wife and daughter of the family, leaving the husband to take the place of Torgo after he betrays Manos and The Master.
Now, doesn't that sound messed up? Vacations that go wrong do make horrible movies cause when you die, you're in a strange place. No one wants to die in a strange place. Well, I wouldn't mind dying on the moon, but whatever.

4. Cathy's Curse-This movie is FUCKING TERRIBLE...that I love it. Everything about it is so retarded. It's a ghost possession story but done just wrong. From the housekeeper who pretends to clean up broken glass to the fake mustaches, it's just awesome. It's on Netflix, check it out.

3. Slugs-Oh my god, I love this movie. It's about killer slugs but here's the thing: the slugs...aren't giant. They're normal sized slugs! But they eat people! It's crazy! There's so much here. The hero's name is Mike Brady. Half the cast is dubbed for some reason. There's a guy who looks like Leslie Nielsen who yells out "YOU DON'T HAVE THE AUTHORIZATION TO DECLARE HAPPY BIRTHDAY!". It's GREAT!

2. Hatchet-I need to see this again. I only seen it once, two years ago. But I remember loving it. I want to see the sequel so badly. It's a throwback to 80's old school horror. The story is very simple: a bunch of kids on spring break goes to New Orleans. They take a swamp tour and in the swamp lives the ghost of Victor Crowley, a weird looking killer. Boom, dead kids. It's a lot of fun.

1. The Mist-You have to give it up to movies that focus more on the craziness of the people than the monsters. Although, the monsters do make this a horrifying film. I love this movie. And the end is so super effective. It literally made me GASP!, which is something I don't do often to movie.

So there ya go. Some of my favorite horror movies. I've talked about these movies on here but this is for a new audience that never reads my shit so hi new readers! I know you're not gonna stick around so I could say things that aren't true and you wouldn't know any better. My half-brother is Brad Pitt. I met Hunter S. Thompson in Las Vegas in 1999. I was the guy that came up with the Kindle. This website and blog gets 1 million views a day.

Ok, back to your normal lives.
-Jason
*If you think I was talking about you, don't worry I wasn't. I wasn't talking about anyone in particular. Well, except for you.

Zombie Month: Day of the Dead (2008)

Acclaimed director of "Friday the 13th Part 2" and "Friday the 13th Part 3-IN 3-D!" Steve Miner must've looked at Zach Snyder's "Dawn of the Dead" and said "Boy, I'd love to update a George Romero movie. But the two best ones have been taken! Oh well, I'll settle on the not-as-good third movie."

Thus, a remake of "Day of the Dead" is born.

Now, we all know my thoughts on the original (if it has a Facebook page, I will NOT click "Like This") so I was a bit hesitant to take on this remake. But then I saw the cast. You know who's in this remake?


Ving Rhames!


Mena Suvari!


And...NICK CANNON?!?!

The fuck is Nick Cannon doing here?? Ugh.

Alright, so, this starts off with some people in a small city in Colorado (Not South Park) experiencing flu-like symptoms. The military steps in to blockade any exits out of the city to prevent it from spreading. Ving Rhames is Captain Rhodes and I was happy. Maybe THIS Captain Rhodes won't be an annoying asshole. And I was right. Ving always plays a cool badass who doesn't have to overact to prove his point. Here, he was just Ving Rhames and I was kinda digging it.

Mena is Sarah, a corporal in the army. She meets a new recurit named Bud, who has a crush on her. Hm...the Bud in the original story was a zombie with an army past. Things don't look good for this Bud.

Meanwhile, in a shack in the woods, a group of teenagers are making out. Trevor, Sarah's brother, is stuck with the ice princess Nina. The other two don't really matter, they become zombie chow. Trevor and Nina head back to Trevor's place, where his mom is at, sick.

I have no reason to put this here. I just like it.

So in this movie, if you're sick, you're gonna be a zombie. A bunch of sick people want to leave the city but Rhodes won't let them. So they head back to the understaffed medical center. When Trevor and Sarah's mom gets really sick, they head there as well.

What I love about this movie is pretty much everyone who's sick turn into zombies right at the same time. They all just stop, stare for five minutes, then they decompose and soon attack. This was pretty awesome.

This movie's "Frankenstein" Dr. Logan is a fucking prick. He just kinda hangs back, then he throws a chick at a zombie and drives off. Asshole.

Speaking of assholes, Nick Cannon. Yes, Nick Cannon is an asshole. I know he probably Googles himself all the time and I hope he finds this. NICK CANNON IS AN ASSHOLE!!

Captain Rhodes is eaten pretty early on, which surprised me, so all the asshole parts had to go to Nick there. With everyone trapped in the medical center, Nick just grabs guns and wants to shoot everyone, including zombified Rhodes. He doesn't take orders from Sarah (I guess cause SHE'S A GIRL) and when he puts a big knife at the end of a pole, Bud says "Nice spear" and NIck goes on and on about Bud being a racist.




Oh, Bud. So he gets bitten by Rhodes before Nick shoots him and he wants to shoot Bud. Sarah pours bleach on the bite. Bleach: Stock up on it when the zombies attack! Wanna bet that this doesn't work? Well, don't take that bet. I already seen this movie.

Sarah decides to take Rhodes' truck so they run out into the parking lot, fighting zombies. Trevor and Nina left the medical center and ended up at a radio station, which is being run by Jabba The DJ. Also at the station is a couple, but the wife isn't feeling very good. Uh oh.



Sarah and Nick (Why couldn't he have died earlier?) go to a gun store to stock up on weapons. Bud, while waiting in the truck, is zombified. But he doesn't attack cause...he's a vegetarian! Are you fucking kidding me? Is that how zombieism work? Well, Bud is just kinda chillin' there, still crushin' on Sarah. Nick remains to be an annoying asshole.

Sarah hears Trevor on the radio, calling for help after the DJ is turned into a zombie and she heads over to the station. Soon, the sick lady turns and eats her husband but Sarah and Nick turn her into zombie swiss cheese. They pack up into the truck and drive off.

They go to the shack from earlier but it doesn't hold up against zombies too well, so they find some secret passage way into the ground. Ah, see where they're going with this? In the underground lab, they find Logan, destroying evidence. Apparently, he knew way more than he let on.

Turns out he and a group of scientists made this strain of virus that was suppose to be used to capture criminals without killing them. It mutated and now...zombies. Which, most of the lab people are now. Logan is munched on and for some reason they can't go back out the way they came in (never explained) so they must look for a missile silo to crawl out of. But a buttload of zombies are in the way.

So Trevor and Sarah come up with a plan. They tie some gas tanks together and have the zombies stand in front of them so they'll get roasted. Bud sacrifies his zombie life in stopping one of them from eating Sarah before the plan actually works. THANKFULLY, Nick gets eaten. I think I cheered. My neighbors must shake their heads everytime they hear me through the walls.

They leave the underground bunker and drive away. A helpful news person tells us the outbreak is under control...OR IS IT?!?!?!

Well, I don't know what a sequel to this would be so, sure it is.

So I like this about as much as the original, but for all the different reasons. It moved a bit faster. At least ONLY Nick Cannon was the annoying person in this movie. Mena Suvari is nice to look at. And I liked Bud as a human. I think he and Sarah would've made a nice couple. This movie still sucks though.

-Jason

Zombie Month: Redneck Zombies

I'm slowly winding down on my Zombie-A-Thon and now we're really in the shit. And when I say shit, I mean SHIIIIIIT!!

"Redneck Zombies" is another movie produced through Troma. Lloyd Kaufman didn't do anything but slap his company name all over the place, and film a lame intro to the movie. I won't even mention the intro. To my fans at Troma, no offense.

Essentually, there's three groups of characters in this movie:
1. The Rednecks
2. The Campers
3. The Army

The Army sends one dude to dispose of a barrel of chemicals. Army Dude is driving around when the barrel flies off the truck. Army Dude goes to retrieve it when a fat redneck shows up. Army Dude is like "Later" and leaves the barrel. Fat Redneck is about to, I dunno, fuck it, when the Family Rednecks show up, stealing the barrel from him.

Meanwhile, some Campers show up and start camping.

An overacting Sergent is mad at Army Dude and sends him back to get the barrel. Army Dude takes Violent Dude and Gay Dude.

Redneck Family mess with the barrel and start making moonshine from the barrel. They distill the liquid and put them in jars. Father sends Gay Redneck Son (Yes, I'm aware of the hypocrisy) to deliever the moonshine to their customers.

Yadda yadda yadda, family drink the moonshine, turn into zombies. There's a 20 minute "tripping scene" where nothing but colors flash on the screen. I got it after a minute.

Campers wake up, some get eaten. Annoying Camper is annoying the fuck out of me. UGH!

Gay Redneck Son keeps delivering moonshine to people. This goes on for an hour.

The Redneck Zombie Family attack the campers. The leader of the Campers figures out that the only way to destroy the zombies: deodorant. Seriously. It's a funny idea, I'll admit.

Armed with deodorant, they fight the zombies. Army Dude, Violent Dude, and Gay Dude show up. All three are attacked by redneck zombies within a matter of minutes. Oh and the entire town are now zombies. Much like "Wiseguys vs Zombies". Fuck this movie for making me think of that movie.

There's only one chick left. Notice how I don't know anybody's name. Yeah, I wasn't trying to be funny or clever, I really don't know anybody's name in this movie, besides Paw.

Oh. I didn't talk about The Tobacco Man. I....don't...fucking...know...man. Just...ok.

If you MUST see this movie, don't get mad at me. If you must watch our Final Girl fight her way through zombies, then get fucked by the fat redneck zombie, then get impregnated by said fat redneck zombie, do so on your own merit. I can't tell you what to do. But don't hold me responsible for what you're gonna see.

-Jason

PS: Andrew at Badmovies.org seemed to have a different opinion. Plus he somehow figured the names of the people in the movie. He must've watched this more than once. Or made up names. Whatever.

Zombie Month: Vampires vs Zombies

FUCK THIS MOVIE!

-Jason

PS: Nolahn tried to warn me.

Halloween Special: The Possessed TV 2: Journey Within

In this sequel, Jason must go inside The Possessed TV to do battle with it once more.

Enjoy!
-Jason

Zombie Month: [REC]

[NOTE: Something truly terrible awful happened to Jason while writing this review. After scanning his hard drive, this review was found waiting in the draft section, which we are presenting to you now, unedited. Thanks! -MGMT]

(Ok, sign into Blogger...oh hey Final Girl did a new post...nah I'll read it after I do this review. Ahem.)

Hey, this is Jason Soto from Invasion of the-

(Why am I doing that? Everybody knows it's me. And the name of this site. Eh, whatever. Keep going.)

Hey, what's up? This is Jason Soto from Invasion of the B Movies! This is the last week in October so I better get through some zombie movies quickly! Today I'm gonna take a look at a movie that I bought on a whim some months ago cause I heard a lot of good things about it! It's called...

(Holder for the poster)

I popped the movie in, only knowing a few things about it before hand. I also knew there's an American remake called "Quarentine", which kind of makes sense. I mean when you look at this title, you wanna say "Rec" but you also kinda wanna say "Record" cause really, that's what "Rec" stands for. Whatever.

(Eh, that part seems rambly. I don't think anyone really cares. I'll edit that later.)

The movie begins with a chick named Angela hosting a TV show called "While You're Asleep/While You're Sleeping". See, I watched the movie with the English dubbing but left the subtitles on for a minute. It was distracting cause the voice said one thing while the subtitles said another. I guess you could say it's like the difference between "Rec" and "Record".

(Ok, NOW I have to that first paragraph in. Ugh.)

Anyway, Angela and her cameraman Pablo are at a fire station, filming their TV show. They're just kinda chillin out, maxin, relaxing all cool and all shooting some b-ball inside the fire station. When a couple of people who didn't feel no good started making trouble in an apartment. One cop got a little bitten and people got cared and said "You're gonna be quarantined for a long ass time in Barcelona!"

(NICE JOB on fitting the first 20 minutes into the lyrics of "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air"! I deserve another LAMMY for that shit!)

So yeah, the fire people get a call, they go into an apartment to answer the call of some crazy lady going nuts. She bites a cop, but they can't leave the building! Soon, the lady bites another fireman and soon people in the building are freaking out.

(Ok, I need to list the characters in a clever way. Just to note who they are there was that foppish guy who I think was gay, the bitchy mother and her daughter, the Chinese family, the two old people, and the head of the building or whatever that's called...look that up on Google later, who's also a doctor.)

Things kinda slow down but we a lot of story thrown our way. We find out the bitchy mom's dog got sick and was sent to the vet. Her daughter doesn't feel good. Some weird guy lives in the attic/penthouse (again, depends on how you watch this movie) but he hasn't been around for months.

The army (I guess it's army?) shows up to trap everyone in the building. Dead people, like the crazy lady, comes back to life and attacks people. There's a lot of scenes are just like:

AHHHHHH zzzzzz ooohhhhhh zzzzz whooooaaaaaa fuuuuuuummmmmmmmhhhhhhh!!

I hope you got the text equivilent(Spell check later) of a camera moving around.

One part, Angela annoyed the fuck out of me. The army/whoever sent in a health official to check out the situation (beat that beat! beat that beat!...Jersey Shore joke too lame? Look into that.) and they took the bitten cop and fireman into a room. Pablo finds an open window into the room and records everything. This entire time, Angela is like "Pablo! What's going on? PABLO! TELL ME! PAAAABLO!!! UH!!!" I was like "Shut the fuck up so we can hear what's going on!"

In the room, the cop comes back to life and bites the doctor. The Health guy is a pussy and he runs away like a girl. Then we find out the truth: the dog that belonged to bitchy lady...was a zombie dog!! AWW! I love zombie dogs! They should've shown that! So it's natural to assume bitchy lady and her sick kid are next.

Sure enough, the kid is now a zombie and starts to bite people. She bites another cop and soon, Health guy turns into a zombie. Bitchy woman, who was handcuffed for being a bitch (citation needed), is bitten. In the end, everyone but one fireman, Angela, and Pablo are bitten.

Actually, we don't see the old people get bitten. I guess we just assume they did. Whatever, old zombies aren't as interesting.

Eventually, the last fireman is bitten and turned. Angela goes to the doctors/head of the building apartment to find some keys that'll open a secret passage way when they have to go up to the attic cause all the floors now have zombies.

In the attic we find out some more shit. The dude that lived there worked for the Vatican and...

Ok, this shit always cracks me up. Don't you just love in movies when people who do things save EVERY news article about them or the person involving them and then TAPES THEM TO THEIR WALLS! Every fucking movie does this and it's hilarious! Like anybody would do that in real life.

[NOTE FROM MGMT: Next to Jason's computer was a newspaper clipping that read "Local B-Movie Reviewer Last Seen Leaving Contaiminated Video Store" with a big picture of him. We don't know if this means anything.]

So anyway, we learn through these newspaper clippings that the dude was working on this special case about a "possessed girl". He was trying to cure her. She vanished and not a lot has been seenzz-

(Ugh, I sneezed. I'll fix that later. Need to get this review done. I don't feel so good...)

She vanished and now she might be the cause of all this. Pablo sticks his camera into this crawl space and-

HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT FUCKING THING FUCK ME FUCK ME FUK ME FUCK-

(Put 4 stars here after review is written.)
-Jason

TRAILER: The Possessed TV 2

A teaser trailer for the Halloween Special, coming October 25th, 2010.



-Jason

Updated Review/Zombie Month: Day of the Dead

Another update on another Romero movie. This one, I don't like as much.

Day of the Dead

-Jason

Zombie Month: Return of the Living Dead

Not only am I doing this for "Zombie Month" but I'm also taking care of a movie on my bucket list. Hey, did you know I have another blog called "Jason's Movie Bucket List" where I have a list of 100 movies that everyone keeps telling me I need to see, so I plan on going through each one and writing about not only the movie but what it's like to finally see it and if it was worth the wait? Yeah, that was a run on question, sue me.

Anyway. Killing two birds with one stone.

In the latest episode of "The Lair of the Unwanted" Nick told us that he doesn't like this movie because all zombies do is say brains and can run fast. This goes against everything he stands for, zombie wise, and thinks it's a disgrace to movie history.

Well I say bully on him because this movie is fucking awesome.

The story is two dudes who work in a medical supply store, Freddy and Frank, go into the basement, where some containers of petrified zombies are stored. They stupidly break one of the containers, causing all this gas to blow into their face, and releasing one of the zombies.

The gas goes through the warehouse, causing dead things to come to life. They call their boss Burt (Clu Gulager) to take care of the situation. One cadaver in the freezer comes to life and attacks them. Remembering "Night of the Living Dead", they tempt to kill the brain...except that don't work!

Not knowing what else to do, they cut it up into pieces and take it to the crematorium next door. Ernie, the coroner, agrees to help burn the pieces. This is where shit gets interesting. The body is burnt, causing smoke to go up through a chimney into the air. The smoke is then mixed with the rain, which comes back down and lands...in a cemetery. Where Freddy's friends are waiting.

Freddy's friends are chillin', waiting for Freddy to get off of work. Oh, hey, LAMBCast favorite Linnea Quigley is here...and of course she gets naked. Why WOULDN'T you love this movie? So they're in the cemetery when the zombie rise up and attack, screaming for "brains".

At the supply warehouse, the zombie in the container appears, also screaming for "brains" and attacking a girl. At the mortuary, Frank and Freddy are getting sick. Ernie calls for an ambulance and when they show up, the result is...they're dead. And soare the paramedics, cause they get chomped by zombies.

Soon, the mortuary is being attacked by zombies, waiting brains. Ernie wants to know why so he grabs a zombie, ties it down, and then asks it why it wants brains. Turns out cause being dead sucks and brains makes them forget they're dead. Makes sense.

Freddy becomes a zombie, trying to attack his girlfriend. Most of Freddy's friends have become zombie chow, including Linnea Quigley. Damn. So if shooting them, or doing anything to them really, won't stop them, what will? On the container is a phone number. They call it and get in touch with the army. The army apparently lost these containers years ago and are happy to have found them. And they got a plan alright: BLOW THE FUCKERS TO BITS!

Of course the smoke of the remains goes up into the sky and it starts raining again...uh oh!

So I disagree with Nick on this one. I think they were just taking the zombie concept and rewriting it. I don't have a problem with fast zombies or zombies that talk. They're zombies. They still eat people. Plus fucking Linnea Quigly. I mean COME ON! This is a fun movie, probably more fun watching it with people. I recommend it. And if you don't listen to me, then there's no point in listening to anybody at all.

-Jason

Hey! Remember This!

Two years ago, on Halloween, I made a short Halloween film. This is that film:



So watch this and remember it. It'll be important later.
-Jason