Sunday, October 31, 2010

Zombie Month Wrap-Up/Final Link Love

PHEW!!! What a month! I FEEL like a zombie after all that. What did I do this month, you may ask? Well...

-We kicked things off with a Site review of "Retardead", possibly the most politically correct movie ever.
-I then took on George A. Romero's "Diary of the Dead", which Sean said "more like Diarrhea of the Dead!" BOOM! He nailed it.
-Speaking of nailing it, "Survival of the Dead" was next and oooh boy.
-I reached to include "Trick R'Treat" into zombie month. Still a kickass movie! (I don't know when the actual Meatloaf will be posted. Jorge, who runs the thing, is in wacky L.A time, so he thinks he still has 6 hours to post it. Pfft. It'll be 3AM in REAL time and it'll be too late. Oh well...)
-"Poultrygeist" was the next Site review and I tried my hardest NOT to give it too hard of a time.
-My friend Maria stepped up and wrote a review for "Dead Snow", which was awesome cause she got to use me to describe a character in the movie. Maria's awesome.
-"Oasis of the Zombies" happened. Yeah.
-I updated my Site review of the classic "Dawn of the Dead".
-After much pestering, I finally watched "Bio Zombie", which was totally worth the pestering.
-"Return of the Living Dead" was awesome!
-My update on "Day of the Dead" was not.
-I finally seen "[REC]". Holy hell, that was awesome!
-FUCK "Vampires vs Zombies"!
-Equally fuck "Redneck Zombies"!
-I liked the remake of "Day of the Dead" a bit more, but still a bit lackluster.
-Finally, the ass-tastic "Zombiez" rounded (Literally! HI-OH!!!) out the month.

Man, what a busy month for me. I should take a vacation. In fact...I think I will!

Oh before I go, some links for you!

Nick at Random Ramblings of a Demented Doorknob did a review of a movie called "Hide and Creep". Check that out.

And our good friend over at "Acheteretentretenirsatronconneuse" was busy. He gave us:
Pontypool
Dead Men Walking
Zombie Women of Satan
La Noche de los Brujos
Porn of the Dead (this one extremely NSFW)
Hot Spring Zombie Vs. Stripper

Ok, vacation starts...NOW!
-Jason

Friday, October 29, 2010

December is Reader's Choice Month!

The month of December, whether you like it or not, is usually devoted to Christmas. You spend the entire month worrying what you're gonna get your loved ones. You worry about where you're gonna have Christmas dinner. And god help you if you HOST Christmas dinner. Then, it's all over in a blink of an eye and next you know, it's another year and you feel old, so you go to the liqour store and buy as much booze as you can handle, and then some, and go home, alone, and drink while watching every "Friday the 13th" movie with your cat Mittens and you are so depressed and lonely and you look out the window and wonder how many floors it is, 6 or 7? Does the bottom floor count? Would it still hurt? You-

Oh. Sorry.

Anyway.

Since it's a month about giving and not recieving, I decided to turn the programming of The Site to you as a gift! That's right! YOU GET TO TELL ME WHAT TO REVIEW FOR THE ENTIRE MONTH OF DECEMBER!! How fucking awesome is that?

Now, I've done this before by asking people to give me movies that for whatever reason, that didn't work out so well. I figured people who read about shitty movies seen at least ONE shitty movie in their life and would think it'd be fun for me to poke fun at it. But that's not the case.

So instead, I went and picked some movies that sound interesting to me and I'll have YOU pick which five you think I should take on! I'll list each one and give you a short description, with a link to IMDB so you can look at the poster art. (I'm not giving up my image space that easily!) Then you vote which one and I'll review it!

There's 25 movies in all and I'm gonna post five a week throughout November, with a new poll on each Monday, and having them end on Friday. It sounds easy enough. Let's hope that's the case, shall we? Anyway, I'll start the first five on November 1st, so keep an eye out!

Merry Christmas!
-Jason

New Review: Zombiez


If you hate zombies in your zombie movie, but love asses, this is the movie for you!

Zombiez

Asses!
-Jason

The Soto List: Some of My Favorite Horror Movies



It's that time of the year, when Halloween is so close, you can smell that weird plastic used in kids Halloween's costumes wafting in the air. It's around this time that people are like "Pffft, horror movies! I always LOVE horror movies! SEE?" and they make a list featuring "I Know What You Did Last Summer" and the remake of "The Amityville Horror". Then November 1st, they go back to their movies starring Phillip Seymour Hoffman called "Jake Farts Roses" or something.*

Anyway.

I'm clumping in with this a feature Kai Parker over at The List does once in awhile. He has people write about three movies that don't get a lot of love and thinks people should check out. He wouldn't let me write a lot about them so I wrote a thing out for him and fleshed it out here. I'm sure this is something he didn't want me to do but I told him I don't play by ANYBODY'S rules, man! I'm a rebel, Dottie! A loner! But to check out the awful PG-13 version that the studio insist I cut, check out Kai's post HERE.

Since I focus on bad movies, which sometimes fall into the realm of horror, I thought I'd do a list of some of my favorite horror movies. There's going to be a lot of movies that probably won't make other people's lists but I guess that's what I'm known for, amirite? So here, in no particular order, is my list of SOME of my favorite horror movies.
(Just know, I put in a few main-stays but left off typical ones like "The Exoricst" and "Nightmare on Elm Street". Just wanted to mention that before I get any "Hey what about-" emails.)

20. Bad Ronald-This is first cause it's probably more of a thriller than horror. But nonetheless, it's creepy as fuck. I plan on doing a full review of this at some point, but for now, I'll just give you a general plot outline. Ronald is a weird shy kid who gets made fun of at a party. On the way home, he accidently kills a little girl. He runs home and tells his overprotective mother, who instead of turning his little boy over to the police, hides him in the walls of their house until "things blow over". But when Mom dies and the house goes up for sale with Ronald still in the wall its when SHIT gets REAL, yo!

19. Drag Me To Hell-I recently watched this movie and I fell in love with it. The ending I sorta predicted but I still liked it. The story is pretty easy too: A hot chick pisses off a Gypsy who curses her with a demon that plans on, well...read the title. It's pretty fucked up. And I like it!

18. Sleepaway Camp-Ok, this movie is "campy" (HA!) as hell but the last 2 minutes you will never, ever, ever, ever EV! ER! fucking forget. I haven't seen the movie in about two years and still that last image flashes in my head-



OH FUCK ME!

17. Bloodsucking Freaks-This movie isn't THAT scary, but it left me with an uneasy feeling long after I watched it. It's one of the movies I need to add images to the review, but I've put it off for a damn good reason. The story is some dude named Master Sardu runs some place where he tortures and kills women in weird ways. He also ships women to other countries. It's kinda fucked.

Speaking of fucked...

16/15/14. Inside/High Tension/Martyrs-French make some fucked up movies. I grouped these three together cause when I think of one, I think of the other two. Plus they all have the same level of creepyness. To quickly run them down:
Inside is about a pregnant lady at home after her husband was killed in a car crash on Christmas Eve. She's due any day, but some crazy lady breaks in, wanting to take the unborn baby out of her.
High Tension is about a chick staying at a friend's house when a murderer shows up and kills the friend's family, so now the chick must follow the murderer to save her friend, who's still alive. Kind of an iffy twist at the end.
Martyrs...ugh. Fuck that movie.

13/12. Poltergeist/Paranormal Activity-Something about ghosts and other worldly beings doing shit and being all invisible while doing it freaks me the fuck out. I think stuff like that is way scarier than murderers and whatnot cause I can see them. When something moves on it's own and there's nothing there, fuck me I'm running out the door.

11. Paranormal Activity 2-Was way fucking creepier than the first one, that's why it gets it's own listing. I don't care if I'm alone on that.

10. The Changling-Another ghost movie, but this is more related to a scene. So George C. Scott moved into this big ass house by himself when some weird stuff starts happening. He does some digging and figured out some shit went down a long time ago. So he brings in a psychic/medium to hold a seance to contact the ghost in the house. This seance is the creepiest thing ever. The psychic is communicating with the ghost by writing a piece of paper and words start forming. And they're also tape recording this and when it's played back...hang on.

Holy shit, it's on Youtube. I DARE YOU to watch this:


9. The Blair Witch Project-True story, I saw this opening weekend back in 1999. When I got back home, it was dark. My mom wanted me to take the garbage out. Now, I didn't live in the woods or anything, but it was a small city that didn't really believe in street lights. Especially in alleys. So needless to say, that was the fast I ever threw out the garbage. I don't think I even went to the can. I think I just launched it from the back porch and ran back into the room and cried.

8. Popcorn-Drifting away from shit that scared me to some good b-grade horror, I love this movie. A bunch of kids put on a film festival showing 50's and 60's style horror movies, with a William Castle-theme to them. But a psycho killer is going around, killing the kids. It's awesome fun. Check it out!

7. Cat's Eye-This is a horror anthology of sorts. There's three stories and the same cat is present in all three stories. One story features James Woods trying to quit smoking so he signs up for this program that'll guarantee he'll never smoke ever again. Another story focuses on some dude stuck on the ledge of a building. I don't remember that one too well. The last story...oh man, the last story. The cat must fight this evil thing that lives in Drew Barrymoore's wall. It's pretty freaky.

6. Parents-I BARELY remember this movie, but when I seen it as a kid I knew it was creepy as fuck. Randy Quaid and another chick are the Parents. The entire movie is from the point of view of their kid. The kid begins to suspects something is up with his parents, especially after they get into the "meat making" business. This movie is truly terrifying cause out of everything that they can make scary, what's more scarier than making your parents an oject of horror. Yeah, woods, TV's, and old houses you can avoid. But you can't avoid your parents. And anyone who ever tried to breeze through their old hometown knows this.

5. Manos: The Hands of Fate-Now bear with me for a second. The movie itself is horrible. From the acting to the directing to the filming to the lighting to the dubbing. But if you think about the story...it's kinda fucked up. Now, pretend you never seen this movie, either by it self or the MST3K version and read this:
A family, including a very young girl, is on vacation. They arrive at some lodge that mysteriously appeared and they're greated by a creepy servant named Torgo. It turns out this lodge is the home of a cult that worships a god named Manos and the leader, The Master, takes on many wives. The Master, and Manos, sets their eyes on the wife and daughter of the family, leaving the husband to take the place of Torgo after he betrays Manos and The Master.
Now, doesn't that sound messed up? Vacations that go wrong do make horrible movies cause when you die, you're in a strange place. No one wants to die in a strange place. Well, I wouldn't mind dying on the moon, but whatever.

4. Cathy's Curse-This movie is FUCKING TERRIBLE...that I love it. Everything about it is so retarded. It's a ghost possession story but done just wrong. From the housekeeper who pretends to clean up broken glass to the fake mustaches, it's just awesome. It's on Netflix, check it out.

3. Slugs-Oh my god, I love this movie. It's about killer slugs but here's the thing: the slugs...aren't giant. They're normal sized slugs! But they eat people! It's crazy! There's so much here. The hero's name is Mike Brady. Half the cast is dubbed for some reason. There's a guy who looks like Leslie Nielsen who yells out "YOU DON'T HAVE THE AUTHORIZATION TO DECLARE HAPPY BIRTHDAY!". It's GREAT!

2. Hatchet-I need to see this again. I only seen it once, two years ago. But I remember loving it. I want to see the sequel so badly. It's a throwback to 80's old school horror. The story is very simple: a bunch of kids on spring break goes to New Orleans. They take a swamp tour and in the swamp lives the ghost of Victor Crowley, a weird looking killer. Boom, dead kids. It's a lot of fun.

1. The Mist-You have to give it up to movies that focus more on the craziness of the people than the monsters. Although, the monsters do make this a horrifying film. I love this movie. And the end is so super effective. It literally made me GASP!, which is something I don't do often to movie.

So there ya go. Some of my favorite horror movies. I've talked about these movies on here but this is for a new audience that never reads my shit so hi new readers! I know you're not gonna stick around so I could say things that aren't true and you wouldn't know any better. My half-brother is Brad Pitt. I met Hunter S. Thompson in Las Vegas in 1999. I was the guy that came up with the Kindle. This website and blog gets 1 million views a day.

Ok, back to your normal lives.
-Jason
*If you think I was talking about you, don't worry I wasn't. I wasn't talking about anyone in particular. Well, except for you.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Zombie Month: Day of the Dead (2008)



Acclaimed director of "Friday the 13th Part 2" and "Friday the 13th Part 3-IN 3-D!" Steve Miner must've looked at Zach Snyder's "Dawn of the Dead" and said "Boy, I'd love to update a George Romero movie. But the two best ones have been taken! Oh well, I'll settle on the not-as-good third movie."

Thus, a remake of "Day of the Dead" is born.

Now, we all know my thoughts on the original (if it has a Facebook page, I will NOT click "Like This") so I was a bit hesitant to take on this remake. But then I saw the cast. You know who's in this remake?


Ving Rhames!


Mena Suvari!


And...NICK CANNON?!?!

The fuck is Nick Cannon doing here?? Ugh.

Alright, so, this starts off with some people in a small city in Colorado (Not South Park) experiencing flu-like symptoms. The military steps in to blockade any exits out of the city to prevent it from spreading. Ving Rhames is Captain Rhodes and I was happy. Maybe THIS Captain Rhodes won't be an annoying asshole. And I was right. Ving always plays a cool badass who doesn't have to overact to prove his point. Here, he was just Ving Rhames and I was kinda digging it.

Mena is Sarah, a corporal in the army. She meets a new recurit named Bud, who has a crush on her. Hm...the Bud in the original story was a zombie with an army past. Things don't look good for this Bud.

Meanwhile, in a shack in the woods, a group of teenagers are making out. Trevor, Sarah's brother, is stuck with the ice princess Nina. The other two don't really matter, they become zombie chow. Trevor and Nina head back to Trevor's place, where his mom is at, sick.

I have no reason to put this here. I just like it.

So in this movie, if you're sick, you're gonna be a zombie. A bunch of sick people want to leave the city but Rhodes won't let them. So they head back to the understaffed medical center. When Trevor and Sarah's mom gets really sick, they head there as well.

What I love about this movie is pretty much everyone who's sick turn into zombies right at the same time. They all just stop, stare for five minutes, then they decompose and soon attack. This was pretty awesome.

This movie's "Frankenstein" Dr. Logan is a fucking prick. He just kinda hangs back, then he throws a chick at a zombie and drives off. Asshole.

Speaking of assholes, Nick Cannon. Yes, Nick Cannon is an asshole. I know he probably Googles himself all the time and I hope he finds this. NICK CANNON IS AN ASSHOLE!!

Captain Rhodes is eaten pretty early on, which surprised me, so all the asshole parts had to go to Nick there. With everyone trapped in the medical center, Nick just grabs guns and wants to shoot everyone, including zombified Rhodes. He doesn't take orders from Sarah (I guess cause SHE'S A GIRL) and when he puts a big knife at the end of a pole, Bud says "Nice spear" and NIck goes on and on about Bud being a racist.




Oh, Bud. So he gets bitten by Rhodes before Nick shoots him and he wants to shoot Bud. Sarah pours bleach on the bite. Bleach: Stock up on it when the zombies attack! Wanna bet that this doesn't work? Well, don't take that bet. I already seen this movie.

Sarah decides to take Rhodes' truck so they run out into the parking lot, fighting zombies. Trevor and Nina left the medical center and ended up at a radio station, which is being run by Jabba The DJ. Also at the station is a couple, but the wife isn't feeling very good. Uh oh.



Sarah and Nick (Why couldn't he have died earlier?) go to a gun store to stock up on weapons. Bud, while waiting in the truck, is zombified. But he doesn't attack cause...he's a vegetarian! Are you fucking kidding me? Is that how zombieism work? Well, Bud is just kinda chillin' there, still crushin' on Sarah. Nick remains to be an annoying asshole.

Sarah hears Trevor on the radio, calling for help after the DJ is turned into a zombie and she heads over to the station. Soon, the sick lady turns and eats her husband but Sarah and Nick turn her into zombie swiss cheese. They pack up into the truck and drive off.

They go to the shack from earlier but it doesn't hold up against zombies too well, so they find some secret passage way into the ground. Ah, see where they're going with this? In the underground lab, they find Logan, destroying evidence. Apparently, he knew way more than he let on.

Turns out he and a group of scientists made this strain of virus that was suppose to be used to capture criminals without killing them. It mutated and now...zombies. Which, most of the lab people are now. Logan is munched on and for some reason they can't go back out the way they came in (never explained) so they must look for a missile silo to crawl out of. But a buttload of zombies are in the way.

So Trevor and Sarah come up with a plan. They tie some gas tanks together and have the zombies stand in front of them so they'll get roasted. Bud sacrifies his zombie life in stopping one of them from eating Sarah before the plan actually works. THANKFULLY, Nick gets eaten. I think I cheered. My neighbors must shake their heads everytime they hear me through the walls.

They leave the underground bunker and drive away. A helpful news person tells us the outbreak is under control...OR IS IT?!?!?!

Well, I don't know what a sequel to this would be so, sure it is.

So I like this about as much as the original, but for all the different reasons. It moved a bit faster. At least ONLY Nick Cannon was the annoying person in this movie. Mena Suvari is nice to look at. And I liked Bud as a human. I think he and Sarah would've made a nice couple. This movie still sucks though.

-Jason

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Zombie Month: Redneck Zombies


I'm slowly winding down on my Zombie-A-Thon and now we're really in the shit. And when I say shit, I mean SHIIIIIIT!!

"Redneck Zombies" is another movie produced through Troma. Lloyd Kaufman didn't do anything but slap his company name all over the place, and film a lame intro to the movie. I won't even mention the intro. To my fans at Troma, no offense.

Essentually, there's three groups of characters in this movie:
1. The Rednecks
2. The Campers
3. The Army

The Army sends one dude to dispose of a barrel of chemicals. Army Dude is driving around when the barrel flies off the truck. Army Dude goes to retrieve it when a fat redneck shows up. Army Dude is like "Later" and leaves the barrel. Fat Redneck is about to, I dunno, fuck it, when the Family Rednecks show up, stealing the barrel from him.

Meanwhile, some Campers show up and start camping.

An overacting Sergent is mad at Army Dude and sends him back to get the barrel. Army Dude takes Violent Dude and Gay Dude.

Redneck Family mess with the barrel and start making moonshine from the barrel. They distill the liquid and put them in jars. Father sends Gay Redneck Son (Yes, I'm aware of the hypocrisy) to deliever the moonshine to their customers.

Yadda yadda yadda, family drink the moonshine, turn into zombies. There's a 20 minute "tripping scene" where nothing but colors flash on the screen. I got it after a minute.

Campers wake up, some get eaten. Annoying Camper is annoying the fuck out of me. UGH!

Gay Redneck Son keeps delivering moonshine to people. This goes on for an hour.

The Redneck Zombie Family attack the campers. The leader of the Campers figures out that the only way to destroy the zombies: deodorant. Seriously. It's a funny idea, I'll admit.

Armed with deodorant, they fight the zombies. Army Dude, Violent Dude, and Gay Dude show up. All three are attacked by redneck zombies within a matter of minutes. Oh and the entire town are now zombies. Much like "Wiseguys vs Zombies". Fuck this movie for making me think of that movie.

There's only one chick left. Notice how I don't know anybody's name. Yeah, I wasn't trying to be funny or clever, I really don't know anybody's name in this movie, besides Paw.

Oh. I didn't talk about The Tobacco Man. I....don't...fucking...know...man. Just...ok.

If you MUST see this movie, don't get mad at me. If you must watch our Final Girl fight her way through zombies, then get fucked by the fat redneck zombie, then get impregnated by said fat redneck zombie, do so on your own merit. I can't tell you what to do. But don't hold me responsible for what you're gonna see.

-Jason

PS: Andrew at Badmovies.org seemed to have a different opinion. Plus he somehow figured the names of the people in the movie. He must've watched this more than once. Or made up names. Whatever.

Zombie Month: Vampires vs Zombies



FUCK THIS MOVIE!

-Jason

PS: Nolahn tried to warn me.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Halloween Special: The Possessed TV 2: Journey Within



In this sequel, Jason must go inside The Possessed TV to do battle with it once more.

Enjoy!
-Jason

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Zombie Month: [REC]

[NOTE: Something truly terrible awful happened to Jason while writing this review. After scanning his hard drive, this review was found waiting in the draft section, which we are presenting to you now, unedited. Thanks! -MGMT]

(Ok, sign into Blogger...oh hey Final Girl did a new post...nah I'll read it after I do this review. Ahem.)

Hey, this is Jason Soto from Invasion of the-

(Why am I doing that? Everybody knows it's me. And the name of this site. Eh, whatever. Keep going.)

Hey, what's up? This is Jason Soto from Invasion of the B Movies! This is the last week in October so I better get through some zombie movies quickly! Today I'm gonna take a look at a movie that I bought on a whim some months ago cause I heard a lot of good things about it! It's called...

(Holder for the poster)

I popped the movie in, only knowing a few things about it before hand. I also knew there's an American remake called "Quarentine", which kind of makes sense. I mean when you look at this title, you wanna say "Rec" but you also kinda wanna say "Record" cause really, that's what "Rec" stands for. Whatever.

(Eh, that part seems rambly. I don't think anyone really cares. I'll edit that later.)

The movie begins with a chick named Angela hosting a TV show called "While You're Asleep/While You're Sleeping". See, I watched the movie with the English dubbing but left the subtitles on for a minute. It was distracting cause the voice said one thing while the subtitles said another. I guess you could say it's like the difference between "Rec" and "Record".

(Ok, NOW I have to that first paragraph in. Ugh.)

Anyway, Angela and her cameraman Pablo are at a fire station, filming their TV show. They're just kinda chillin out, maxin, relaxing all cool and all shooting some b-ball inside the fire station. When a couple of people who didn't feel no good started making trouble in an apartment. One cop got a little bitten and people got cared and said "You're gonna be quarantined for a long ass time in Barcelona!"

(NICE JOB on fitting the first 20 minutes into the lyrics of "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air"! I deserve another LAMMY for that shit!)

So yeah, the fire people get a call, they go into an apartment to answer the call of some crazy lady going nuts. She bites a cop, but they can't leave the building! Soon, the lady bites another fireman and soon people in the building are freaking out.

(Ok, I need to list the characters in a clever way. Just to note who they are there was that foppish guy who I think was gay, the bitchy mother and her daughter, the Chinese family, the two old people, and the head of the building or whatever that's called...look that up on Google later, who's also a doctor.)

Things kinda slow down but we a lot of story thrown our way. We find out the bitchy mom's dog got sick and was sent to the vet. Her daughter doesn't feel good. Some weird guy lives in the attic/penthouse (again, depends on how you watch this movie) but he hasn't been around for months.

The army (I guess it's army?) shows up to trap everyone in the building. Dead people, like the crazy lady, comes back to life and attacks people. There's a lot of scenes are just like:

AHHHHHH zzzzzz ooohhhhhh zzzzz whooooaaaaaa fuuuuuuummmmmmmmhhhhhhh!!

I hope you got the text equivilent(Spell check later) of a camera moving around.

One part, Angela annoyed the fuck out of me. The army/whoever sent in a health official to check out the situation (beat that beat! beat that beat!...Jersey Shore joke too lame? Look into that.) and they took the bitten cop and fireman into a room. Pablo finds an open window into the room and records everything. This entire time, Angela is like "Pablo! What's going on? PABLO! TELL ME! PAAAABLO!!! UH!!!" I was like "Shut the fuck up so we can hear what's going on!"

In the room, the cop comes back to life and bites the doctor. The Health guy is a pussy and he runs away like a girl. Then we find out the truth: the dog that belonged to bitchy lady...was a zombie dog!! AWW! I love zombie dogs! They should've shown that! So it's natural to assume bitchy lady and her sick kid are next.

Sure enough, the kid is now a zombie and starts to bite people. She bites another cop and soon, Health guy turns into a zombie. Bitchy woman, who was handcuffed for being a bitch (citation needed), is bitten. In the end, everyone but one fireman, Angela, and Pablo are bitten.

Actually, we don't see the old people get bitten. I guess we just assume they did. Whatever, old zombies aren't as interesting.

Eventually, the last fireman is bitten and turned. Angela goes to the doctors/head of the building apartment to find some keys that'll open a secret passage way when they have to go up to the attic cause all the floors now have zombies.

In the attic we find out some more shit. The dude that lived there worked for the Vatican and...

Ok, this shit always cracks me up. Don't you just love in movies when people who do things save EVERY news article about them or the person involving them and then TAPES THEM TO THEIR WALLS! Every fucking movie does this and it's hilarious! Like anybody would do that in real life.

[NOTE FROM MGMT: Next to Jason's computer was a newspaper clipping that read "Local B-Movie Reviewer Last Seen Leaving Contaiminated Video Store" with a big picture of him. We don't know if this means anything.]

So anyway, we learn through these newspaper clippings that the dude was working on this special case about a "possessed girl". He was trying to cure her. She vanished and not a lot has been seenzz-

(Ugh, I sneezed. I'll fix that later. Need to get this review done. I don't feel so good...)

She vanished and now she might be the cause of all this. Pablo sticks his camera into this crawl space and-

HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT FUCKING THING FUCK ME FUCK ME FUK ME FUCK-

(Put 4 stars here after review is written.)
-Jason

Friday, October 22, 2010

TRAILER: The Possessed TV 2

A teaser trailer for the Halloween Special, coming October 25th, 2010.



-Jason

Updated Review/Zombie Month: Day of the Dead


Another update on another Romero movie. This one, I don't like as much.

Day of the Dead

-Jason

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Zombie Month: Return of the Living Dead


Not only am I doing this for "Zombie Month" but I'm also taking care of a movie on my bucket list. Hey, did you know I have another blog called "Jason's Movie Bucket List" where I have a list of 100 movies that everyone keeps telling me I need to see, so I plan on going through each one and writing about not only the movie but what it's like to finally see it and if it was worth the wait? Yeah, that was a run on question, sue me.

Anyway. Killing two birds with one stone.

In the latest episode of "The Lair of the Unwanted" Nick told us that he doesn't like this movie because all zombies do is say brains and can run fast. This goes against everything he stands for, zombie wise, and thinks it's a disgrace to movie history.

Well I say bully on him because this movie is fucking awesome.

The story is two dudes who work in a medical supply store, Freddy and Frank, go into the basement, where some containers of petrified zombies are stored. They stupidly break one of the containers, causing all this gas to blow into their face, and releasing one of the zombies.

The gas goes through the warehouse, causing dead things to come to life. They call their boss Burt (Clu Gulager) to take care of the situation. One cadaver in the freezer comes to life and attacks them. Remembering "Night of the Living Dead", they tempt to kill the brain...except that don't work!

Not knowing what else to do, they cut it up into pieces and take it to the crematorium next door. Ernie, the coroner, agrees to help burn the pieces. This is where shit gets interesting. The body is burnt, causing smoke to go up through a chimney into the air. The smoke is then mixed with the rain, which comes back down and lands...in a cemetery. Where Freddy's friends are waiting.

Freddy's friends are chillin', waiting for Freddy to get off of work. Oh, hey, LAMBCast favorite Linnea Quigley is here...and of course she gets naked. Why WOULDN'T you love this movie? So they're in the cemetery when the zombie rise up and attack, screaming for "brains".

At the supply warehouse, the zombie in the container appears, also screaming for "brains" and attacking a girl. At the mortuary, Frank and Freddy are getting sick. Ernie calls for an ambulance and when they show up, the result is...they're dead. And soare the paramedics, cause they get chomped by zombies.

Soon, the mortuary is being attacked by zombies, waiting brains. Ernie wants to know why so he grabs a zombie, ties it down, and then asks it why it wants brains. Turns out cause being dead sucks and brains makes them forget they're dead. Makes sense.

Freddy becomes a zombie, trying to attack his girlfriend. Most of Freddy's friends have become zombie chow, including Linnea Quigley. Damn. So if shooting them, or doing anything to them really, won't stop them, what will? On the container is a phone number. They call it and get in touch with the army. The army apparently lost these containers years ago and are happy to have found them. And they got a plan alright: BLOW THE FUCKERS TO BITS!

Of course the smoke of the remains goes up into the sky and it starts raining again...uh oh!

So I disagree with Nick on this one. I think they were just taking the zombie concept and rewriting it. I don't have a problem with fast zombies or zombies that talk. They're zombies. They still eat people. Plus fucking Linnea Quigly. I mean COME ON! This is a fun movie, probably more fun watching it with people. I recommend it. And if you don't listen to me, then there's no point in listening to anybody at all.

-Jason

Hey! Remember This!

Two years ago, on Halloween, I made a short Halloween film. This is that film:



So watch this and remember it. It'll be important later.
-Jason

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Zombie Month: Bio Zombie


This was a movie that everybody on the planet was telling me to watch. After seeing it, I must agree, it is a pretty kickass movie.

There's not a whole lot to it after the main set up. The two main characters Woody and Crazy Bee work in some bootleg video store in a mall. Also in this mall are two hot girls named Jelly and Rolls that work in the beauty salon. We also get an Asshole Husband and his hot but brow-beaten wife.

Woody and Crazy are just roaming the mall, not working, robbing Rolls, doing slacker stuff. Their boss calls them and tells them to pick up his car. While that's happening, some shadowy people are in a warehouse picking up some shadowy stuff, including some chemical that turns people into zombies. The chemical is put into a soda bottle.

Woody and Crazy are driving back when they run into one of the shadowy people. Mistaking his words "soft drink" as a request, they pour the chemical into his mouth and throw him in the trunk and drive back to the mall. At the mall, the shadowy guy is turned into a zombie and escapes the trunk.

In the mall, it is closing up. Rolls suspects Woody is the one that robbed her so she plans on getting him drunk so he can confess. This backfires as she gets drunk too and they go into the bathroom to fuck. Meanwhile, Lloyd, a sushi chef with a crush on Rolls, is bitten by the shadowy guy.

When Lloyd turns into a zombie, he doesn't eat Rolls, instead he tries to be all romantic with her, even saving her from the zombies. Meanwhile, shadowy guy breaks into Asshole Husband's cell phone store and the cops are called. The cops think Woody and Crazy broke into the store so they have them cuffed. Then more zombies show up, chomping everybody.

Then it just becomes your standard "must survive the zombies" story, but it's done really well. There is a great scene where all the characters get weapons and then suddenly turns into a video game, where we see character stat's. It's fucking awesome. There's some humorous moments and some touching moments. And Asshole Husband sorta kinda gets what he deserves. The ending's kinda fucked up but it makes things interesting.

Yeah, I didn't get into too much detail cause this is one you should check out. Not only should you check the movie out, for another opinion (that's pretty much the same as mine) check out Nolahn's review over at the Bargin Bin Review.

-Jason

Monday, October 18, 2010

Jason Made A Video: #8



I know I should be bring these videos back around to bad movies. But this was a fun idea I had and went with it.
-Jason

Sunday, October 17, 2010

The Lair of the Unwanted #10: Naughty Zombies



In the first of many double digit episodes, Jason and Nolahn take on two zombie movies that aren't for kids. They get some help from Nick Jobe from Random Ramblings of a Demented Doorknob.

The guys talk about Zombie Strippers and Zombies Zombies Zombies. Also they discuss their favorite zombie movies, go over some feedback, and talk about some stuff on their sites.

Join in on the discussion over at the Offical FaceBook Page of The Lair of the Unwanted at www.facebook.com/thelairoftheunwanted and you can still email them at thelairunwanted@gmail.com

Friday, October 15, 2010

Updated Review/Zombie Month: Dawn of the Dead


I update my review of the original Romero classic!

Dawn of the Dead

Enjoy!
-Jason

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Zombie Month: Oasis of the Zombies

Man, I WONDERWALL why this movie even got made. You need some CHAMPAGNE SUPERNOVA to get through this movie. Oddly enough, no one in this movie will LIVE FOREVER. WHAT'S THE STORY, MORNING GLORY? on this movie, you ask? DON'T LOOK BACK IN ANGER, I'll tell you. SUPERSONIC.

The movie starts with two chicks who should be hot. Well one of them is hot the other not only is the most annoying bitch ever, but she's got a prominate mustache. Mustache Chick is being dragged around by Hotter Girl and keeps hearing shit. Hotter Girl doesn't hear anything and investigates a gun just lying there. Mustache Girl decides to go color her mustache and leaves, only to be attacked by a POV camera. Same goes for Hotter Girl.




After the credits (was directed by Jess Franco, who I heard a lot about. Hopefully, this is his least popular movie) a Burly Guy pulls up to some house somewhere in Europe and meets with some dude. The Dude use to be in the Army and knows where $6 million dollars is buried. Burly Guy, after getting the location, injects some poison into Army Dude and he dies.

Somewhere in England, Robert, the Army Dude's son, hears of his dad's death and goes to get everything sorted out. At Army Dude's house, Robert finds a journal written by Dad talking about fighting the nazi's at some desert Oasis and being the only survivor. I'm not implying Army Dad fought and killed the Nazi's by himself, but that would've been much cooler.

Army Dad is left roaming the desert until some nomads find him and put him on a camel and take him to The Shiek. The Shiek and some chick (Coming to CBS THIS Fall!) nurse Army Dad back to health. Army Dad has an obvious boner for the Chick and I'm reminded that Robert is really learning all this through his dad's journal, so he could probably stop here.

"And then Robert's Mom tore off her clothes, exposing her glistening naked body. I tore off my robe, fully erect. I slowly went up to her and penetrated her-"
"Ok, thanks Dad!"

Long story short, Robert's Dad boned the chick, got her pregnant and she died giving birth to Robert. When his dad came back for another quickie, he finds out she died and is now a father. Isn't that always the way? That's why I don't keep in touch with my ex's.

So Robert now knows there's $6 Million dollars in some Oasis and it's up to him and suddenly his friends to find it!

Burly Guy and his crew arrive there and before you think "oh snap! Burly Guy is going to fight Robert for the money but the zombies get in the way!" don't, cause it don't happen. Within an hour of Burly Guy and his crew showing up, the zombies SLOWLY (I do mean SLOOOOOOOWLY) appear and eat all the crew. They only bite Burly Guy and he somehow drives away.

Robert and his friends show up wherever this is and meet a film crew. Why they team up with the film crew is a mystery. But one of the film crew is Susan, who catches the eyes of one of Robert's friends. I'm gonna stop here to point out two things:
1. The dialouge gets passive aggressive at times. There were lines like "I was looking for you!" "Well here I am!" and "This is a very old house!" "Well enjoy it now!!" Like jeez, what's your problem?
2. One of Robert's friend is named Ackmed. I just like pointing that out.

So Robert and his friends tag along with the film crew and they end up at some place where Burly Guy showed up, screaming about walking dead, then he dies. They burn his body before he turns into a zombie. So another thing about this movie, whenever someone is bit by a zombie, they don't get turned into one. That ruins THAT fun.

Robert finds the Shiek, who's now wearing a fake mustache, and the Shiek tells him where the Oasis is. Despite not wanting ANYONE to go there. Alrighty. Well, I'm kinda glad he told them. This movie was dragging. I came for some god damn zombie action! Fuck!

Robert and his friends find the Oasis and there they find the film crew. Most of them are dead. Only Susan and her Professor (I don't know why the Professor was with the film crew either) are somewhat alive. Actually what happened was Robert's friend who wants to bone Susan finds her, looking like she's dead. They ask if she's alive and they say "I don't know!"

VERY next scene, they're all laughing and Susan is walking around saying "If you don't find your treasure by tomorrow, I'm leaving!" and laughing as well. Well, I guess she is OK. So there are scenes of Robert and his friends digging for the treasure and...where are the fucking zombies?

All the other times, whenever anyone THOUGHT about stepping foot in this oasis, the zombies appeared and munched on people. These jackasses are here for like a weekend and they don't show up? The hell? Oh and get this scene. So Robert's friend, let's call him Dave, and Susan are about to get it on in their tent. Dave AND Susan are naked and they're kissing and whatnot. Then suddenly Dave goes "I gotta go back with my friends."

WHAT?!? Dude, you are SO FUCKING STUPID! You got a NAKED CHICK in your fucking tent and you say "I gotta go back with my friends". WHAT? WHY? It's night time! Nothing is happening! Ackmed is just sitting around smoking and staring at sand, which is what we do as well for 10 fucking minutes in this movie! Fuck Susan already! Jesus!!

Eventually, the zombies appear and they attack Ackmed! NO! NOT ACKMED! He was the best character! He wore a fez! He smoked! He said the "enjoy it now!" line! He can't die!!!




Another question I have is this: The zombies, when they rise to attack, are always coming out from the ground. They've risen and attacked before so who's burying them under the sand when they're done? Are they burying each other? What about the zombie that's left? Does he just sit by a tree? I don't get it.

They didn't even try. This guy is clearly just wearing a skeleton mask.

Whatever. Let's wrap this up.

So zombies appear. But it's too fucking dark to see anything. Literally the last 10 minutes of this movie is just darkness. From the lines being shouted, I figured out that if they make a huge fire the zombies will stop attacking. While making said fire, they attacked some people. Who, exactly, I'm not sure. But the fire gets made and the zombies just stand there...until the sun comes up. Then they simply vanish. Ugh, that was anti-climatic.

Robert and his girlfriend (I'm assuming it was his girlfriend) are the only ones alive. The Shiek finds them and he shows them how to get back to civilization. And...that's it.

This movie was slow as hell. The only parts I did like was when the zombies attacked but that only happened like 3 times. Way to barely feature any zombies in your zombie movie, asshole. If you must see every zombie movie, or even Nazi zombie movie, then I'll recommend this. Otherwise you can just skip it. You're not missing much.


-Jason

PS: This movie made me think of this:


Man, I made a lot of music references in this review.

Saturday, October 09, 2010

Zombie Month: Dead Snow

Yay! My friend Maria has written a review for Zombie Month! She's one of my favorites. Let's hope Adam joins in soon. (No offense to anyone else. You ALL are winners! Gold stars all around!)



(By Maria)
Norway, Nazis, zombies.

These are things that don’t normally go well together. That’s what we have in "Dead Snow", a skiing vacation gone horribly wrong. And a lesson, if your vacation seems a little too much like the beginning of a horror movie it’s probably a good time to check into a nice hotel instead.

A group of Norwegian college students are spending their break up at one of their friend’s cabins in the mountains. It’s a little out of the way and there’s no cell phone signal and I’m pretty sure that no one knows there up there. One of them even remarks how this is just like the beginning of Evil Dead. He’s the movie nerd whose name is probably the Norwegian version of Jason.

Joining Jason of Norway we have the handsome hero type male, Vegard, the smarter male with glasses, Martin, the tough chick with dreadlocks, Hanna, the smart female and the nervous ditzy woman who doesn’t know everyone so well and the weasely guy.

The trouble begins when a crazy mountain man visit the cabin looking for coffee. He sits alone on one couch while they sit on the other together. He tells them the story of how the townspeople nearby got so sick of the Nazis coming to their town and rampaging and pillaging that they ganged up on them and killed them horribly. Then they threw the Nazis’ bodies out onto the fjord. Oh and you should probably start worrying about that one friend of yours that hasn’t shown up yet.

In the morning Vegard goes out in the snowmobile to find Sara, his girlfriend, who decided to ski to the cabin and hasn’t shown up yet. We all know she’s dead because we saw her get killed at the very beginning of the movie. But this way the other friends don’t have a snowmobile to escape! Vegard happens upon the creepy guy from last night. He’s dead, frozen and he’s intestines are no longer in his body.

Meanwhile at the cabin Norway Jason finds a box filled with jewelry, coins and medals with swastikas on them. They immediately start thinking they’ve found a treasure and start playing dress up. Jason has to go and right after he’s done going number two the ditzy girl goes in the outhouse and starts boinking him! How romantic! Little do they know that outside there’s a point of view monster. Ditzy girl is left alone in the outhouse and she, of course, is the first victim of Nazi zombie wrath! Everyone else is left in the cabin barricading the doors with furniture and screaming and crying. Norway Jason stands a little too close to an open window and his death is particularly gruesome.

The next morning it’s decided that the men will distract the zombies while the women run down the mountain to get the car. Vegard has fallen into a hole where he finds a collection of heads. One of them happens to be Sara’s! Vegard manages to fight off one zombie just as another one pops out of the snow. He is not having a good day.

The zombies start picking of our heroes one by one. The pretty blond woman manages to blow a couple up with a grenade while the dreadlocked woman hides in a tree. A stupid bird gives her away and the zombies get her too. Meanwhile the men are back in the cabin. They are trying to fight the zombies off with Molotov cocktails and of course manage to set the cabin on fire. They find the tool shed and they’re saved!

They’ve got big knives and a sledgehammer and a chainsaw! They’ll be fine. The zombies keep coming and they slice through them with the chainsaw like butter. It looks like they just might make it! But there’s a whole battalion of Nazi zombies coming over the mountain. Meanwhile Vegard has been busy! He’s been sewing his neck back together with fishing line and killing zombies with his snowmobile. Eventually there are just too many zombies for him to handle and they get the best of him too.

It looks like the Nazi zombie commander is getting pretty sick of the shenanigans and starts taking matters into his own hands. Hey maybe if you kill the head Nazi zombie the rest will go back to sleep! Or does that only work with vampires? One of the men has been bitten so he saw off his own arm with a chainsaw! He takes one swipe to get through a whole zombie but 30 seconds to get through an arm. Just as he’s done the deed a zombie pops out of the snow and bites him on the wiener! Yes, really. He considers using the chainsaw on that but decides against it.

Aw, crap. Ten thousand more zombies pop out of the snow and the men decide it’s time to start running away. And we’re down to one last guy, the smart one with glasses. He’s got one arm and a bit off wiener and he’s covered with blood, but he just might make it.

Nope, fooled you. Cue Norwegian death metal.

It’s your pretty typical zombie movie. And I think it’s meant to be. Well made though and nice and gory. It did have a couple things taken straight out of "Shaun of the Dead". I did like how there were really only three colors in the movie, red, white and black. All the red blood looked great against the white snow. Maybe I’m just artsy fartsy like that.



If YOU want to see your name in lights, then buy some lights. If you want to see something you wrote on this blog, however, you can watch a zombie movie, then write up a little something-something and send it to me at invasionofthebmovies at gmail dot com and I'll post it! Don't be scared! It's fun! WEEEE!!
-Jason

Thursday, October 07, 2010

B-Movie Meatloaf/Zombie Month: Trick R Treat



Yeah, I'm grouping them together. There's zombies in this movie. There's a shitload of other things too like werewolves, vampires, serial killers, and ancient legends taking the form of a walking pumpkin to strike down upon thee with great vengence and FURRRIOUS ANGER to anyone who hates Halloween.

But I'm getting ahead of myself here.


Apparently this movie was made by some GOOD people, like Bryan Singer and stars GOOD people like Dylan Baker and Anna Paquin. Throw me for a loop! The thing about this movie is it was slated to be in theaters but it was just quietly put on DVD. Kinda sad cause it's a good movie.

So something you should know about this movie is there's a bunch of stories happening. It's sort of like an anthology movie but they're all mashed together in some sorta way. It's kinda neat actually. Just to help my poor memory and not make this the most confusing review ever, I'll seperate all the stories and tell you how they intertwine. Deal? Deal.

#1: The Story of the Bitchy Lady
The movie starts with a couple coming home. The Wife hates Halloween, so much so that even before it turns Midnight, she's taking down all the awesome Halloween decorations. The Husband wants to get it on but the bitch is busy taking shit down so he watches their sex tape. I can't imagine the amount of booze it took to convince her to do that.

So she's taking shit down when we get a Michael Meyers-like POV of someone-or someTHING-running around her. Something attacks her under a cover and soon she's dead. The Husband jerked himself off to sleep so when he wakes up he finds her body hanging in the tree, like a Halloween decoration.

#2: The Story of The Serial Killer Who Played A Pedo In A Previous Movie

Dylan Baker must be some crazy guy. He CHOSE to take the role of a pedofile in "Happiness" and now here he's a principal who's a serial killer. He poisons the candy and when a kid eats one and dies in his lap (seriously) Principal Pedo drags the body to the backyard to bury it.

While in the backyard, hijinx ensue. The Neighbor's Dog (coming up later) is barking at him and The Neighbor yells at the dog and then at The Principal. Later, The Principal is finished burying the body and he's planted a tree. This makes sense for a reason but I don't wanna be responsible for serial killers going around doing this so I won't say why.

While The Principal was burying the body, his kid kept shouting at him about carving a pumpkin. The Principal, don't forget he's a serial killer, goes into the house and you THINK he's going to kill the kid. But nope. He's actually got some dude's head on a table. And he's showing his kid how to be a serial killer. Aww!!!

#3: The Story of Anna Paquin

Anna Paquin and her friends are shopping for slutty Halloween costumes. Well, her friends get the slutty costumes. Anna Paquin gets Little Red Riding Hood. No clevage for Anna, I guess. The slutty friends all head out to some party in the woods while Anna is left alone. She needs to find a guy. Somewhere in the middle of this story, there's some guy in black leather with vampire fangs who killed some chick but nobody helped her (including Bitchy Wife from the beginning, see this story is happening earlier) so she died and blended in with the other non-dead dead people.

Ok so Anna Paquin is looking for a guy but one of her slutty friends (might've been her slutty sister actually) found a guy for her: a guy in a giant baby outfit. Nice. So Anna is on her way when the Leather Vampire finds her and bites her. Oh but there's a twist. A few in fact.

1. The Leather Vampire? Is Principal Pedo from earlier!
2. Anna kicked the Principal's ass.
3. She didn't take a self defense class: She's a motherfucking werewolf!


I know that Anna Paquin is on that show "True Blood" and I'm sure all the True Blood tards are gonna make some joke or reference to all this so I'll let them do it. (Looking forwards to Nick's comment the most.)

Alright, so the whole "need to find a guy thing" was just a thing the werewolves in this group (btw all the werewolves are all the hot girls in this town. Go fucking figure) and Anna Paquin never killed before so "this is her first time". Hm, her first time is with a pedo. AND she's Little Red Riding Hood. SYMBOLISM!

So Principal Pedo is eaten.

#4: The Story About The Kids Who Tell A Story About Kids
This story kinda took awhile and was really my favorite up until the last story. So a bunch of kids with names like, I don't know, Bieber, Cody, Fresh, and Macy. (I remember the one girl named Macy cause I was like "So I guess her mom likes to shop or something"). Anyway, the kids are trick or treating AND collecting pumpkins for something. They are a few short so they stop at this one girl's house name Ronda who's like the little girl version of "Rain Man". Ronda made all these neat pumpkins and she agreed to give them some. AND she gets to tag along to whatever it is they're doing.


So they go out to this rock quarry and there Macy tells the story on what happened at this quarry. Thirty years ago all the towns crazy messed up kids were going to a secret school out of town and they were being driven by some bus driver. One day the parents paid the driver to take them to the quarry. The driver stops at the quarry and starts giving the kids candy. One of the kids freaks out and breaks out of his chains (cause all the kids were chained) and tries to start the bus to go home. He manages to get it moving...forward...into the quarry. There, the kids died but the bus driver escaped...

So Macy and her friends are here to put 8 pumpkins down in the water in the quarry to honor them or whatever. Macy, Bieber, and Cody go down first, leaving Fresh and Ronda to come down last. Fresh and Ronda go down last and they hear the other three screaming, then silence. Ronda decides to check it out and she finds the bus sticking out of the lake. Soon, Fresh is screaming and ZOMG ZOMBIE RETARDS!! MORE ZOMBIE RETARDS!! They're eating Fresh and they chase Ronda. Ronda screams and runs and trips and falls and splits her head open.



Oh. It was a joke. Macy, Bieber and Cody were all pulling a joke on Ronda. Why I don't know. But not finding it funny anymore, they decide to leave when...THE REAL ZOMBIE RETARDS SHOW UP! So they attack the pranksters and Ronda just kinda leaves them to be eaten as she goes back up.

#5: The Story of Sam

Throughout all the stories, we kept seeing this kid with a big head with a potato sack over it's head, looking like some demented Raggidy Andy doll. He was just standing there, looking on, dragging his candy. So we kinda get some info on this kid in this story.

We focus on The Principal's neighbor. He doesn't like Halloween. He lives alone with his dog and he just shuffles around, drinking. Soon, something breaks in and starts doing trick or treat pranks on him like egging his house and killing his dog and using the dog's blood to write fucked up shit on the walls. The Neighbor grabs his gun and goes after this thing and soon it's revealed to be the kid with the giant head. According to the imdb.com trivia, this kid's name is Sam. It's not said in the story but the people that made this movie wrote a short story involving this kid.




Oh and it's not really a kid. It's really a walking pumpkin. The Neighbor shoots at him and it looks like it's dead but it's not. Soon he starts pulling hismelf together and is about to kill the Neighbor when Sam finds a candy bar on The Neighbor. Taking this as a gesture of good will, Sam leaves the Neighbor to live and leaves.

Now the Neighbor knows better so he celebrates Halloween by giving out candy. Oh and the Neighbor? He's the bus driver from the other story. Yep. I think M. Night secretly wrote this. So The Neighbor/Driver sees Sam standing there when Sam sets his sights on the Bitchy wife and hears her anti-Halloween rants and well...you know.

So Sam is suppose to be like the embodiment of Halloween. If you hate Halloween or fuck it up, Sam will kill you. Thankfully, I celebrate Halloween every year. So I won't be visited by Sam.

I fuckin' loved this movie. It was awesome. I loved how the stories kinda weaved together. It all made sense. The acting was great. The effect were awesome. Gah, it's like...NOT a b-movie. I didn't know that! Oh well. It's too late to pick another movie for the Meatloaf so this will be the one GOOD movie, I guess.

-Jason

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Zombie Link Love #2

I know I only produced three reviews. More are coming. Plus a few people who said they'll write something up need to...write something up. In the meantime, to get your zombie fix, here are some links, including some from yours truly!

Our friend over at "Acheter et entretenir sa tronconneuse" (The Chainsaw site) gives us "The Horde".

Allison at My Film Habit returns with her review of "Black Sheep".

Nolahn's double feature zombie reviews are "Hell of the Living Dead" and "I Am Omega". One of those is an Asylum movie. Probably never guess which one.

And some from me are:
I Was A Teenage Zombie
The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies
And of course, motherfuckin' Dead Alive

Ok, that's it for now. When I get some more in, I'll share them. You know you can join in on this, right? Sure ya do!
-Jason

Monday, October 04, 2010

Sunday, October 03, 2010

Zombie Month: Survival of the Dead


What's worse than a bad zombie movie? A bad BORING zombie movie. Ugh. "George A. Romero's Survival of the Dead" is a bad boring zombie movie. So bad that I'm not gonna spend too much time talking about it.

There's a guy I didn't talk about in "Diary of the Dead" who stopped the students in the RV. He was a National Guard and he pretty much stole all the supplies they got from the black militants. Well, "Survival" focuses on that guy. His name is Sarge. He was in the National Guard when the zombie outbreak started. He decided he had enough of that shit and went AWOL. After stealing the kids supplies (we revisit this footage), it's now 6 days later.

On Plum Island off of Delaware, a whole shitload of Irish people are dealing with the zombies. One dude named Patrick wants to kill the zombies but another dude named Seamus wants to keep them around. This disagreement, plus the fact that Seamus has more guns, causes Seamus to exhile Patrick onto the mainland. Some people go with him but some of his posse stay behind, including his daughter Jenny.

Flashforward to six weeks later. Sarge and what's left of his AWOL team: Baldy, Tomboy (A lesbian chick), and Cisco, a mexican, are roaming around. They find some hillbillies hunting zombies and they soon take care of the hillbillies and the zombies. They come across The Kid, a kid, and he tags along.

After finding an armor truck full of money, they drive away. Kid finds a video from Patrick telling them to visit him at the Harbor and he'll send them to Plum Island. Turns out this is just a way for Patrick to rob unsuspecting people trying to escape from the zombies. He sends them to the Island still, but without any valuables.

Sarge is like "Fuck that" and he fights back. After some explosions, Patrick is left and he gets on the Ferry going to Plum Island. They arrive and find most of the islanders are zombies chained up to farm equipment and mailboxes. Patrick's daughter is dead and she spends her dead days riding a horse.

Ok, yada yada yada, Cisco drank zombie blood and Tomboy kills him. Seamus and his men capture Tomboy. Patrick rounds up his former posse. And it basically turns into "The Irish Version of the Hatfields and the McCoys with Zombies". There's been a fued between Seamus and Patrick for years and this zombie crap isn't helping any.

Seamus is trying to get the zombies to eat something besides humans but it's not working. Seamus is kind of a dick, keeping his zombie wife chained to the kitchen. The odd thing is, much of the movie they want us to be unsure who is right, Patrick or Seamus. But Seamus is clearly the bad guy, what with his big black cowboy hat and chaining his wife to the kitchen. I dunno, I was falling asleep.

Ok so, Sarge and what's left of his team (Baldy got shot), team up with Patrick and there's a shootout. Seamus releases all the zombies he's captured and a full out zombie war breaks out. Soon enough, both Seamus and Patrick end up dead. Jenny is shot after she makes a breakthrough: zombies WILL eat horses. I guess they were that hungry.

Sarge, Tomboy, and Kid get back on the ferry and leave with the money. Now Seamus and Patrick are zombies dueling it out forever and ever. Ugh. It's over with.



I'm sorry, this just sucked. This is WAY worse than "Diary of the Dead". I couldn't maintain any interest and I just didn't care. I kinda wanted Tomboy to turn straight but that wasn't happening. Oh well. Avoid this one at all costs.

-Jason

Saturday, October 02, 2010

Zombie Month: Diary of the Dead


Every fucking time, it happens. There's a character in a movie named Jason and he's either weird, psycho, a killer, or a giant douchebag. "George A. Romero's Diary of the Dead" is no exception. Here, a guy named Jason is a giant douche. I should start a cause or something.

So this movie apparently got a lot of notoriety for being bad. Like BAAAAAD! Like people got violently upset over this movie. Me being 1. A bad movie watcher 2. A zombie movie fan and 3. someone that likes to punish myself, I decided to check out how bad it is. And I just went and bought it. Cause, fuck it. I own "Battlefield Earth". Let's stink up my movie collection, I say!

The gimmick for this movie is the entire movie falls in the hand held "P.O.V" category as we're watching the events of a zombie outbreak unfold. We start off with a newsreporter getting eaten by the first zombies (I guess) and soon it spreads like wildfire.

We get a voiceover from a chick named Debra saying the following movie we're watching was made buy a guy named Jason and this movie is called "The Death of Death". Creative title, asshole.



We then go on set of some cheap student film monster movie about a mummy attacking, I dunno, a Medievel princess. The chick, Tracy, is from Texas so a Texan Medievel Princess. Nice movie, asshole.

Sorry. His name is Jason and he's a dick. Ugh.

Anyway. On set in the woods they hear the news about the zombie outbreak (I do wanna point out now that the "zed" word is never mentioned in the movie, much like any other Romero zombie movie. Before anyone asks.) and the dude playing the mummy Ridley takes a hot chick named Francine and says "DEUCE! I'm going to my mansion!" He invites people to come along but no one goes with. Party with a rich dude and a hot chick? FUCK YEAH! But no one goes for some reason so whatever.

At this point Jason decides to glue the camera to his fucking face and make this zombie outbreak documentary and he has everyone introduce themselves. We meet Mary, a quiet chick who's driving the giant RV, Gordo (Really? Gordo?) Tracy's boyfriend, Eliot, the nerdy guy who would probably be me in this situation, Tony some weird quiet guy who starts off as the asshole, and finally the Professor. The Professor is the type of Professor who's hardcord British, loves Chauncer, and nothing beats a good burbon in the morning.

It then goes into "The Road Adventures of College Students Through A Zombie Outbreak" as the RV travels to different points in Pennsylvania. First they're trying to get to Debra's parents house to check in on them. On the way, she and Jason fight cause all he wants to do with film stuff.

Now, I get what he's going for. If I had a camera, I'd be doing the same thing. At the same time, I know when to film stuff and when to put the camera down and help out when my friends are being attack by zombies.

First, Mary runs over some dead dudes but she feels guilty about this so she tries to kill herself. She failed so they take her to a hospital where some staffers try to attack them. Mary eventually dies and becomes a zombie so Gordo has to kill her. Gordo kinda gets into the killing (a bit too much actually) but the Professor calms him down and gives the gun to Tony. Yeah, he's more of a sane person.



Next their RV breaks down and they meet a nice Amish dude named Samuel. Tracy, cause she's from Texas, knows how to fix a gasline and does so. Zombies attack, gasline is fixed, Samuel is attacked but he does the coolest thing in the entire movie: he shoves a scythe through his own head until it goes through the zombie's head. It's fucking great!




Then they need gas so they stake out a gas station when some militant black dudes show up with rifles bigger than me. Everyone eventually cools down and we come to find out the black dudes are taking their land back. (Their words, not mine.) They stockpiled a bunch of shit, especially gas. The lead black dude agrees to give them gas and supplies.

After one of the black dude's guys becomes undead and they kill him with acid (another pretty cool scene), they leave for Debra's parents house. There, she finds her parents and little brother dead and undead. The Professor, armed with a bow and arrow kill the parents. Debra takes all this ok and they decide to head to Ridley's place, which he promised was a fortress.



They arrive at his mansion and find the door open and Ridley acting fucking weird. Elliot goes upstairs to take a shower and Tracy goes to change clothes (she spent this entire movie with a corset cause she was still a Texan medevil wench). Debra and Tony learn that Ridley's parents and the house staff became zombies and attacked Francine. Ridley did the only thing he could do: he put them in a swimming pool. I'm not even fucking kidding.



I...don't know why. Tony sees that Ridley was bitten and soon enough he turns into a zombie and attacks Elliot. Outside, Jason proves he's a ROYAL dick by not helping Tracy unload the RV but instead films her doing so. Why are you filming this? This is the stupidest thing in the world to put in your movie. Just put the damn camera down and help her unload.

Eventually, Ridley shambles into screen and starts chasing Tracy, which looks like the opening scene when we met these two. Tracy eventually kills Ridley and says "don't mess with Texas!" and steals the RV and leaves the movie. Um, ok then.

Inside Ridley's house is a panic room so everyone agrees to hide out in there until this blows over. Jason wants to film everyone but he's attacked by Ridley. I guess Tracy didn't kill him. So much for Texas. (No offense, Nick.)

They eventually kill Ridley and Debra kills Jason before he turns into a zombie. Soon, everyone hides out in the panic room. Debra is editing Jason's movie. And outside the panic room the zombies break in...

There's one last shot of rednecks hunting the zombies. There's a pretty cool scene where they tied one chick up on a tree by her hair, then shoot her so only the top of her head is left hanging there, still "alive". And that's it. I think this is social commentary but whatever.



Truthfully, and I'm gonna be burned on the stake for saying this, I didn't think this movie was THAT bad. It's not the best zombie movie. It's not the best Romero movie. But for what it is, it wasn't too bad. I didn't find it irritating like everybody else on the fucking planet found it. Granted, Jason got on my nerves so maybe that had something to do with it. I don't know. It's just kinda whatever to me.


-Jason