Hostel Part 2
It's been just close to two years since I seen "Hostel", but thanks to Eli Roth, he reminds us of all the shenanigins that went on. You can just read my review of it here.
So this movie literally picks up where "Hostel" ended, with Paxton on a train missing some fingers. After a bad dream, he tells us this secret orginization will stop at nothing to kill him. The next day, his girlfriend finds her cat eating a bloody stump that use to be Paxton's head.
Well if I Can't Has Cheeseburger, I Can Has Brain?With that uselessness out of the way, we now focus on our three character, Beth, Whitney, and That Chick From "Welcome To The Dollhouse". Dollhouse chick is severely being typecasted cause here she's a geeky chick. She may as well be Dawn Weiner all grown up in this film.
Since I have to watch another (better) movie, I won't spend too much time on this one. I'll just cover the important parts in a neat little dash list.
-Beth, Whitney, and Dollhouse chick meet a lesbian chick in Rome, who talks them into going to Slovakia for a little while.
-Lesbian chick gets the hots for Beth while Whitney and Dollhouse chick get drunk in one scene.
-Dollhouse chick is then taken to the torture factory, hung upside down naked (yes we see Dawn Weiner's tits), and some weird lady comes in, naked, and keepts cutting at Dollhouse Chick until weird lady is literally taking a blood bath.
-Some dude with horse teeth hits on Beth and mentions he coulda saved him. He must be psychic cause later when she's being chased by torture baddies, he comes along and is like "screw you" and leaves.
-Beth is super rich. And hates the word "cunt".
-There's two guys, named Todd and Stewart, who are gonna be the ones killing Beth and Whitney. The entire movie sets it up so we think Todd is the one itching to kill someone and Stewart is having second thoughts, third thoughts, fourth thoughs, etc.
-Eventually, Whitney and Beth are taken to the torture place and meet Todd and Stewart, respectively.
-Todd accidently cuts Whitney's face and chickens out. Because the contract says he must fully kill the person, he gets eaten by dogs.
-Stewart tricks Beth (and us) into thinking he's gonna let her go, but nope. He's actually the psychotic one and wants to let some aggression out caused by his wife on Beth cause they kinda sorta look alike in a way that they don't.
-Beth talks her way out of it and convinces Stewart to have sex with her, but instead she hits him and ties him up in a chair.
-The President of Torture Inc arrives and Beth tells him she's fuckin' loaded and will become a member, cutting off Stewart's dick to fulfil the "must kill someone" clause. The President accepts and Beth is now a member.
-Beth gets revenge on Lesbian Chick by cutting off her head. The kids from the first one use her head to play soccer. One kid even thinks he's David Beckham by pulling the front of his shirt to the back of his neck and celebrating on the ground.
Those are all the important parts of the movie. Which if you reedit the movie, is about 25-30 minutes worth of movie. The entire movie is an hour and a fuckin' half. Trust me, this is even MORE SLOWER than the first one! I'm like "Jesus Eli, how much fuckin' set up you gonna give?" I thought he made "Part 2" cause the first one was slower than molasses, but he gives us even more slow ass scenes? Whatever, I'm done.
House
This is a classic at least in my eyes. I watched this movie a bunch of times in my life and just love it.
It tells the story of Roger, played by William Katt the dude from "Greatest American Hero", who is a writer and a Veitnam vet. His aunt owned the titular "house" and is found dead from apparent suicide inside it. Roger, trying to write a book about his experiences in Veitnam, moves in. And soon the weird shit happens.
He hears noises, gets a visit from his dead aunt, and a weird evil tree creature jumps out of the closet right on midnight. Roger thinks he's losing his mind so he buys a shitload of video equipment to capture the tree monster. As if monsters and ghosts aren't enough, he has to put up with a nosy neighbor Harold, played brilliantly by George Wendt. I'd love to live next door to Norm. Never have to buy beer. Oh and Roger believes that his son Jimmy who went missing some undetermined time ago is still in the haunted house.
And everything happens to Roger in this house. Inanimate objects come to life and try to kill him. A demon takes the form of Roger's ex-wife and when she goes back to being a demon, she is one ugly motha! Roger manages to kill her and he cuts it up cause the body parts were still moving.
In between, we get some flashbacks of Roger in Veitnam and one of his 'nam buddies Ben, played by Richard "Bull From Night Court" Moll! Ben and Roger were doing a sweep when they get attacked and Ben is hurt. Roger goes to save him but Ben begs to be killed by Roger so he don't get tortured by "Charlie" but Roger doesn't and, well...he gets tortured by "Charlie" and eventually dies.
Looks like Dan pushed him around one too many times.When Roger tries to trap the tree monster with the help from Harold, who didn't believe him until this point, he gets sucked into the monster world where he relives Ben getting captured. He jumps back to the house and remembers that a painting his aunt did had a kid trapped in a mirror in the bathroom. So Roger breaks it and beyond the looking glass he finds a large abyss.
Roger climbs through it and he finds a flying skeleton thingy that immdately takes his shotgun. He then falls down the abyss and lands in some water, where he finds himself back at Veitnam. There he finds his kid Jimmy in a cage, where I guess he was this whole time. And it turns out that the ghost of Ben was behind the whole kidnapping thing. Roger saves his son and they arrive back at the house. But Roger must duke it out with Ben, who is pissed that Roger didn't kill him and let him get tortured by "Charlie". Eventually, Roger blows Ben up with a gernade, which sets the house on fire.
At that moment, Roger's ex shows up (the real one this time) and the entire family are reunited. AWW!!! The thing I wondered is, how would Roger explain the reapperance of Jimmy to the cops and the F.B.I. "Oh, uh, he was locked in a cage in Veitnam. I jumped through the mirror and got him. It's all good now!". Ok I doubt he'll say that.
Watching these two back-to-back I noticed that both movies were exactly an hour and 30 minutes long. And a "hostel" is a home of sorts, so this whole thing has been kinda weird. But fa'sho "House" is ten million times better. Just what I needed to wash away "Hostel Part 2".
Well, I'm sure booze would've done the trick too.
-Jason
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