Jason on Jason: Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday

*Snicker* Sure. The FINAL Friday. Whatever you say, yo.

So what would it look like if "Friday the 13th" actually had a plot behind it? It'd look something like "Jason Goes To Hell". I'm guessing someone at New Line said "Let's have a Friday the 13th film where Jason finally dies." My response is "Well, he kinda died in Part 8. Why can't THAT be the "final" Friday?"

I guess some people didn't like Part 8 and so a whole film had to be made to find the most elaborate way to kill Jason, while ignoring Part 8 completely. Because we start with a chick arriving at Camp Crystal Lake and she's by herself. She gets naked, gets in the tub, and is about to bath in a horribly rusted bathtub when the lights go off. Of course she investigates and soon, Jason shows up to kill her.

But she manages to quickly wrap a towel and run through the forest with Jason chasing after her. The chick stops for a breather, but here comes Jason! He's about to slash her when...

Lights come on! SWAT guys come out of nowhere! Then they drop a fucking bomb on him, blowing him up in a million pieces. So they just NOW thought to do this? And here's the weird part, I thought no one knew about or believed in Jason yet somehow a whole SWAT team is here to blow him up?

And for some reason, they take the blown up body to the morgue. Why? Just fucking, I dunno, burn all the body parts. Something. But some medical examiner guy is poking around Jason's body when he finds the heart. And it starts pumping. And for no fucking reason whatsoever, the guy just EATS the heart.

Yum. Jason Voorhee's heart. I'd love to see that be a secret ingredient on Iron Chef.

"Tonight's secret ingredient is.......
*whoosh*
JASON VOORHEE'S HEART!!!!! AHHHHHHH CUISINE!!!!!!"

Well, turns out eating Jason's heart makes him possess your body. The examiner's partner picked the wrong time to show up and start making fun of Jason and threaten to poop on Jason's face.

I bet that's a fetish site somewhere. www.pooponmyhockeymask.com. $9.99 for the first 10 minutes.

Anyway, we then go back to the nearby town and the town is celebrating Jason's death. The local news show is running a special report about a guy named Duke who thinks Jason isn't really dead but he knows how to do it. The reporter, Robert, offers Duke $10,000 to do the job.

Then the local restaurant is making hockey mask hamburgers to mark the occasion. We meet Diana, a waitress at the restaurant. Duke shows up and tells Diana she knows what she must do. Unfortunately, her boyfriend is the town's sheriff and he puts Duke in jail.

Also at the restaurant is Steven. Steven use to date Diana's daughter Jessica until something that's never explained cause them to break up. Now Jessica is dating Robert and it looks like she and Steven had a kid that he doesn't know about. Jeez. Diana tells Steven to meet up with her to drop some heavy news on him. I already see where this is all going but I'll let it play out.

One the deputies stays behind to watch Diana for some creepy reason but his shift is over, so he meets up with his date. Jason, who's possessing the body of the examiner, kills the date and drags the deputy to some empty house, where he shaves the deputy, then possesses him. I guess Jason doesn't like facial hair.

Now that Jason is in this new body, he goes to Diana's house and tries to kill her. Steven shows up, tries to save her by throwing the deputy out the window. And it's here that I notice this movie either rips off or pays homages to other horror films. Here, we get a "Halloween" rip off when the deputy falls out the second story window and lands face down. But when Steven looks back out...the body's gone! GASP!

And of course the sheriff shows up, finds his girlfriend dead, and pins it on Steven. Steven is thrown in jail and there he meets Duke. Duke tells Steven that Jessica and their daughter are direct relation to Jason and only Jessica can kill Jason. But Jason wants to kill Jessica and the baby before that happens.

You know what's funny? Steven, when he meets the baby for the first time, says he doesn't know it's name. And neither do we. Ever in the movie. I guess that makes all of us the father?

Anyway, Steven escapes from jail and goes to what's called The Voorhee's house. Wait, he has a house in town? Why didn't he ever just stay there? Again, just like Michael Meyers. Oh AND the whole "He has a sister that he's after" angle. This movie LOVES "Halloween".

Did I mention the sheriff's name is Loomis? Yeah...

Anyway at the house, he hears a noise so he goes and hides when Robert shows up. Robert is on the phone (Zach Morris phone FOR THE MOTHERFUCKING WIN!) and of course he explains to the person on the phone his EVIL plan! He's only fucking Jessica to get closer to the whole Jason angle. He even went so far to STEAL Diana's body and hide it in the house so they can find the body when they film some live event the next day.

Holy fuck, dude! You STOLE A BODY?! God damn! I hope Jason possesses you and everyone spends the whole movie shooting you over and over again.

Oh snap, that's exactly what happens.

There's a point where Steven kills Robert in front of Jessica, who doesn't get the whole possession thing so she thinks he did it out of jealousy. When Jessica runs to the police to report Steven, Robert/Jason shows up and try to possess Jessica. She now believes.

Duke, who I forgot about, escapes from jail. Steven and Jessica goes back to the restaurant, where the baby is at. Robert/Jason shows up and we get some pretty cool kills here when he kills almost everybody in the restaurant. Jessica goes to where the baby is and finds that Duke took it and they're at Jason's house.

Jessica arrives at the house where Duke tells her what she must do, even giving her the knife to do the job. She doesn't want to, for some reason. But when Jason shows up in a new possessed body, they try to kill him but she stupidly drops the knife. D'OH!

When the body Jason is in is no longer any good, the heart just says "Fuck this" and decides to look like a giant tad pole. Actually, it looks like a demented sperm. Steven asks Duke if the Voorhees needed to bring Jason back to life has to be alive and he says no. So we get a shot of the sperm going between Diane's legs...

OH MY FUCKING GOD THAT'S YOUR SISTER!

Man, I have a way of finding these weird incest films. Nick Jobe gets the rape films, I get the incest. Fantastic.

Anyway, Jason is fully "reborn" and he looks like himself again. Steven decides to distract Jason while Jessica finds the knife. So Jason had no problem randomly killing strangers, but he just plays around with Steven? He just throws him around, throws harmless stuff at him, and maybe lightly punches him. The fuck, dude? Rip his throat out! Twist his neck! SOMETHING!

But this goes on long enough for Jessica to find the knife and stab Jason. Then we get a light show. Cause all weird spirital films in the early 90's had to have a light show. The ground opens up, demons grab Jason, and soon he does go to hell. At least we have a title.

And we get the famous final scene of Freddy's glove popping up from the ground and grabbing Jason's mask and pulling it down with him. Hm, I wonder where THAT'S gonna go.

So it's weird watching a "Friday the 13th" film that had so much plot and stuff happening. For like 8 movies it's been nothing but slash slash hack kill kill then Jason is stopped in many different ways. This time, they try to explain the whole thing on how Jason never dies (even though EVERYTHING fucking melted away in New York City but whatever) and what it'd take to finally kill him.

Does it work? Not really. I was somewhat bored with the whole thing. I just wanted Jason and some good kills. It's what I expect in a "Friday the 13th" film. If I want elaborate stories with some good kills, I'd watch another horror series like "Hellraiser" "A Nightmare on Elm Street" or some movie John Carpenter wrote and directed. I can't think of the name right now...



-Jason

The Soto List: 6 Movies To Watch For A Halloween Party (Adult Version)

So the other day I gave you six awesome movies to watch if you're throwing a Halloween party and kids will be present. The last option on that list was for when the kids are gone. But now let's say you clearly imply you don't want kids there. Maybe you want to get sloppy drunk. Maybe you want to get stripper zombies. Maybe there's gonna be copious amounts of drugs around. Whatever, there are NO KIDS here. And you want to show six awesomely weird, fucked up horror movies.

1. So since this is an adults only party, things are gonna start a bit later. Probably around 7 or 8. You been drinking since maybe 11 that morning. You want to start the night off right but not freak anybody out quite yet. What do you start with?

Many people slam the ending, which I can understand cause if you apply it to the rest of the film, it makes no fucking sense. But there's gonna be some people who never seen this movie and they'll be hooked early on. I say just enjoy it for what it is: an awesome horror movie. That starts off with a chick masturbating. To her female friend. Yep.

2. Someone says to you "I want to see some WEIRD shit" or "Jason, you keep bragging that you have some fucking weird movies. I want to see one now!" You (if your name is Jason) say "Ok, you asked for it." And then you put on:

(AGAIN NOT SAFE FOR WORK! GET BACK TO WORK YOU LOAD!)
I don't have words.

3. Now that you showed them what's what, people either want to leave or want something a bit...lighter. It's probably almost midnight at this point, the cocaine just now kicked in, and you saunter up to your awesome DVD collection. After running your fingers across the DVD's you stop at:

This movie is fucking amazing. Again, a perfect midnight movie to watch at a Halloween party with a bunch of drunk coked up adults. It'll take their minds off "Bloodsucking Freaks" and when it's over, they'll be in good spirits again.

4. Then one of them, probably a female, talks about wanting a kid. I blame the booze, but whatever. You go "you want kids, huh?" So you show her this.

Sorry for all the French stuff. Yeah, you'll have to read subtitles but it'll be worth it. In case you don't know or didn't figure it out, "Inside" is about a pregnant chick who gets terrorized by a crazy bitch who wants to cut out the fetus and keep it. Yeah.

5. "YOU KNOW WHAT'S A FUCKED UP MOVIE?!" you scream for no reason, scaring everyone. They look at you kinda weird, especially since you keep chuckling to yourself. "This movie. It's almost 3AM. I can't think of a better time to watch..."

FEED HER!! FEED HER!!

6. The sun is almost up. People want to leave but you deadbolted the door, do one more line of coke, and go "NO! ONE MORE! Then you shall leave! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" You should look into where you got this coke. So what's the perfect movie to cap off this awesome night of fucked up terror?

I KICK ASS FOR THE LORD!

It's about 8 AM, some people have fallen asleep, others snuck out. You are in and out of consciousness. And before you truly pass out for 18 hours, you think to yourself "I had a kickass party. Boobs."
-Jason

I'm Gonna Defend: My Opinion On Katie Featherston

To gear up for what I'm calling "Paranormal" weekend, I'm gonna dedicate this post to an argument I had with Dylan from "Man I Love Films" about the lead actress in "Paranormal Activity". He takes issue with the fact that I called her "hot" while he says she's "cute with a nice rack". With this in mind, I figured I should explain myself.

When it comes to rating the attractiveness of a female, I go by two standards "Hot" or "Not". Whereas many people (I guess including Dylan) goes by "Hot" "Sorta Hot" "Cute" "Sorta Cute" and "OMG WHO BEAT HER WITH AN UGLY STICK?!". So when I say Katie from "Paranormal" is hot, I mean "She's really fuckable".

Ok, that's probably going a bit too far. But to understand what I mean and my tastes in celebrity women, here's a list of chicks I find "hot":
Jenna "Pam From The Office" Fisher
Katy Perry
Kat Dennings
Aubrey Plaza from "Parks and Rec"
Both Britta and Anne from "Community".
Megan Fox (of course)
The Other Chick from "Jennifer's Body" Amanda something. She was also in "Mamma Mia", which isn't really making me want to watch that movie.

And so on. I could go on for awhile, but you probably got the idea. In conclusion, Katie from "Paranormal Activity" is hot.
-Jason

The Soto List: 6 Movies To Watch At A Halloween Party (Kid Friendly Version)

Some people say "You're the best horror expert ever!" and while I try to remain humble and say thanks, I realize they were talking to someone else behind me and I just got in the way. But I still like to think I know a LITTLE something about horror movies and think I could pick out, say, 6 or 8 horror movies for an awesome scary movie festival at my house.

But here's a catch: Now that I'm in the 30's, I know a lot of people with kids. And as tempting as it is to put in the Facebook Invite (Welcome to the 21st century) NO FUCKING KIDS, most likely they'll bring them along to show off their cute Halloween costumes, which is either gonna be a pumpkin or something not scary at all like a pink bunny.

I can just hear all my female readers go "AWWW!"

Anyway, I need to be smart and pick some good scary movies but with the mindset of kids being around. Let's go!

1. So let's say I want to start the party at around 1PM cause we're gonna be watching a shit-ton of movies. It's early in the afternoon, the food is still cooking/hasn't arrived yet (30 minutes or less my ass) and people isn't interested in hearing my story of meeting Tommy Wiseau again for the 20th time. What do I do?! I pop in:


You got kids, monsters everyone knows, and the movie doesn't nessessarily pander to kids or adults. It's the perfect "family" film, as it were.

2. Ok, now it's around 3 or 4 in the afternoon. If you're doing this on Halloween (or the day your city says it's ok for kids to go trick-or-treating, like the Saturday before) most likely the parents will go take their kids out, or the kids will just roam around themselves. Yeah, they'll be fine. There's no creepy people in my neighborhood...except that guy who lives in that house by himself at the end of the block. He never seems to cut his grass...anyway. Now it's just adults for a little bit, we got two hours but you wanna save the good scary stuff for later at night. What now? I recommend:


Ok, you got the bit of nudity at the end (both male and female) which is why this is the perfect movie to put on while the house is kid-free. Plus, this movie is a must-A MUST-for any good horror movie fest.

3. Now it's around 6 or 7. The kids-or some of them-are back and now they're concerned with the candy. While the parents are checking the candy for anything harmful like razor blades, poison, or candy corn, you all need to watch something together, but the kids are amped up at this point. So let's go with something a bit classic, shall we? How about:


It's kid friendly ENOUGH but still pretty good and the kids will probably find it scary. Plus when the scenes where zombies aren't present, they can focus on opening their candy.

4. Now the kids are all wired on candy and running around. It's nothing but high energy craziness! You need something where you don't have to focus too much on plot and maybe matches the same amount of craziness. Let's go with:


I didn't go with the first one cause it's probably too scary. The second one does have scary moments but it's campy enough to watch with a room full of screaming kids running around, beating each other up with pillows or whatever it is kids do nowadays (probably just run around texting each other on Twitter or some such thing. BAH!)

5. It's close to midnight! The kids have crashed from all the sugar and are sleeping in the other room. Some other people either left cause of all the screaming kids, or the parents are concerned their kids haven't returned yet. So now it's just you and your TRUE horror loving friends left. It's time to get into the shit. And that's when I pull out this movie. I'm going with this cause it looks fucking awesome and it's something not ordinary like "Halloween" or "The Exorcist". And if you come to MY house, you expect to watch at least one cheesy movie. And that movie is:


(I love that this trailer is nothing but the same note of music being played over and over again.) Again, I haven't seen this movie yet but I hear it's awesomely bad. I really can't wait to watch it.

6. Ok it's probably around 1 or 2 in the morning. I'm not tired, I got a few people left. All the parents have left with their kids so we can pretty much watch anything. Since we have one movie left in us, I go to my awesome movie collection and pick out:

(FYI THE TRAILER IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK. WHY ARE YOU READING MY SHIT AT WORK ANYWAY?!)

As you can see, there's A LOT of tits and overall nudity in this movie. And this movie is laughably bad. It's a good midnight/after midnight movie to watch cause of the nudity and the horrible zombies. I do recommend this movie if you're able to watch a zombie movie that doesn't take itself serious.

And so that's it. There were a bunch others I had in mind but I couldn't really fit them anywhere. I'll probably do another post sometime this week where it is ADULTS ONLY. That should be fun.
-Jason

How I Met Michael, Freddy, and Jason

With Halloween quickly approaching, and everybody (including people who don't watch horror movies) getting into the horror movie mood, I figured this would be a great time to dive into my past a bit and tell you some of the interesting stories on the first time I ever watched "Halloween", "A Nightmare on Elm Street", and a "Friday the 13th" film. I don't really know how interesting these stories will be, but I promised I'd post more this month, about horror movies and dammit, that's what you're getting. So in no particular order...

Halloween
This is probably going to seem very strange to you. But the very first time I seen "Halloween" was in school. In the 4th grade. During music class. I dunno what 2011 teaching standards are like now (Nick?) but I guess back in 1989 things were a bit more relaxed. Plus this is fuckin' East Chicago, Indiana, not the "wrong side" of the tracks in L.A. Although it's funny to imagine Morgan Freeman/Michelle Pfeiffer/Edward James Olmos showing a bunch of kids "Halloween".

But anyway, yes we were sitting in our music class in the 4th grade watching "Halloween", which if you don't know why that's shocking, you need to revisit that movie and watch it as an 8 year old. Hell, there's boobs in the first five minutes. Now you are probably asking yourself "Why did a music teacher do this?" Her (yes HER) whole point was to show how music is important in movies and how anytime Michael Meyers came on screen, the music got all scary and dramatic. It's an interesting point and was one hell of a way to introduce me to this movie. What did I think about it back then? I thought it was awesome. Some people didn't like it but that's people from Indiana for you.

A Nightmare on Elm Street
I think I told this story before but I don't remember so here it is again. Again, I was probably a bit too young to be seeing this movie but alas I was 6 years old. Without getting into a huge giant family history, for a year I had to live with my grandparents and my uncle, who was like 12 or 13 at this point. So one night, "A Nightmare on Elm Street" came on and my grandparents were asleep so it was just me and my uncle watching this. Now I should point out that the year I stayed with them, my uncle would terrorize me like an older brother would a younger. So we're watching the movie and he's being oddly silent. Then the movie ends, my grandmother wakes up and tells us to go to bed. Also, me and my uncle shared a bedroom cause it was a two bedroom house. And we had bunk beds. So I was on the top bunk, he was on the bottom (there was a point in my life when I was skinny. It's been about 20 years but I was fucking skinny) and suddenly, my uncle starts making weird demonic noises and then shines a flashlight on the wall and suddenly he has four steak knives in his hands and he keeps saying he was Freddy. I nervously laughed and said quit it until my grandmother yelled at us. And true story, I didn't get a nightmare. Honestly, I never have nightmares. I have fucked up dreams where like my dick turns into a pair of sunglasses but I never woke up in a cold sweat. But anyway, that was the first time I seen "A Nightmare on Elm Street".

Friday the 13th Part 3
Yeah I didn't even start with the first one, where my namesake came from. It was like 1992 or so and I was over at a friends house and it started getting late. I was probably suppose to be home but then a movie called "Friday the 13th Part 3" came on and my friend said "OOH! Jason! It's Jason! We should watch!" I said "Ok, sure" and we watched and it was unbelieveable. If you need a reminder on what happens in that movie, check this out. Or if you want a smart person's perspective, check out James' review. Anyway, I watched the first two but I think they were out of order, then of course I watched Parts 8, 9, and 10/Jason X right when they came out and then my mom told me where she got my name from and I haven't been the same ever since.

So that's it. I dunno if this was interesting. Maybe? Sure. Anyway, look out for a fuckload of movie reviews from me in the next week or so.
-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #22: The Wizard of Oz-ploitation

This month, we are visited by Tom Clift from Movie Reviews by Tom as we talk about two Ozploitation films, movies made in Australia on a cheap budget. The two films we discuss are the spit-tastic "Patrick" and the fucking weird ass film "Body Melt".

Before that though, Jason has two special announcements, Tom discusses his weekly Double Feature game on his blog, and talk about the most Australian thing we've ever done.

Email: thelairunwanted@gmail.com
Facebook: facebook.com/thelairoftheunwanted

Enjoy!
-Jason

The Soto List: Top Ten Horror Movies I Want To See

This being the month of Halloween, I thought it'd be fun to give you guys a run down of the Top Ten Horror Movies I Want To See In The Next Year. Just to let you know, some of these titles will probably show up as a review of some sort, so think of this as a preview of the next year.

10. Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet

As long as it isn't MOLLY Hatchet! The movie features Danielle Harris, who has been in every horror film since the '80s and been in stuff you wouldn't believe. And she's hot. So there's that.

9. Chopping Mall

This was featured on one of my favorite podcasts Outside The Cinema. I've heard of it before but after watching that trailer, I can't wait to see it. It's about killer robots in a mall. How CAN it not be good?

8. Die-ner (Get It?)

Nick Jobe has been trying to get me to watch this movie since he seen it, I dunno, 20 years ago or something. I finally give up and I promise I will in the next year or so. Happy, Nick?

7. The House of The Devil

All my smart horror movie friends go on and on about this movie. I been a bit leary only cause I hear it's 80% set up, which I'm not a huge fan of. But I guess I'll have to break down and check it out. I do like how it looks like an '80s film, right down to the characters wearing those old Walkman's.

6. Return to Sleepaway Camp

I love the first movie, and I haven't seen the sequels yet. From what I hear, this film isn't really related to the others so I could probably just jump ahead. The trailer makes the movie look entertaining enough and I had no idea Issac Hayes was in it. I swear I'll die if he said "Hello Children!"

5. Long Island Cannibal Massacre
There is something resembling a trailer on Youtube, but it's 4 minutes long and I think it gives away the whole damn movie. Not that it matters, cause it looks fucking stupid and awful. But, that's what I do. I guess if anybody asked me what type of movies do I review, I'd direct them to this one. I'd normally be excited about watching this kind of awful movie, but after the debacle that was "Murder Weapon", I've learned to not get too excited and wait till I see the movie.

4. All The Boys Love Mandy Lane

I will find a way to watch this movie this year, if it kills me. KILLS ME!

3. Grave Encounters

ANOTHER found footage movie? Yeah. But this one looks...(shudder).

2. Truth or Dare? A Critical Madness

Again, thanks to Outside The Cinema for exposing me to this one. When I heard their review, I immediately went on Amazon and bought a cheap VHS copy. I haven't watched it yet but I know when I do, it'll be a good time. And this is the best trailer I could find.

1. The Human Centipede 2

Why wouldn't it be my number 1? The plot is pretty interesting, and the black and white angle is different. Why not?

So that's it. Ten completely different horror films (sorta) that I can't wait to watch. What are YOU looking forward to seeing?
-Jason

New Review: TerrorVision

Meet The Puttermans! Mom! Dad! Susie! Sherman! Gramps! And their alien monster pet!

TerrorVision

Enjoy!
-Jason

This October

In case you didn't know, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.



Also, I normally do a month long Blog-A-Thon but the whole Netflix thing kinda fucked that up, so I'm probably gonna just make up for it be doing MORE reviews here on The Blog. Or at least TRY. Plus you have every Thursday at Man, I Love Films to look forward to.

Also, it's my Mom's birthday this month! And without her, you wouldn't have me! So keep that in mind. Yeah!

And also, something awesomely special is going to happen at the end of the month. Actually, TWO awesome special things are probably gonna happen. So stay tuned for that.

Anyway, I'm tired of people telling me what to do. What do you think I should do?
-Jason

Why We Need Video Stores Again

Earlier this week, my internet and cable went out for two whole days. Cable I can go without for a couple of days but you fuck with my Internet, be prepared to feel my wrath! Anyway, this left a lot of down time around here. Me, if I lived by myself, I could just immerse myself in my DVD collection for days, hell weeks if I had to. But since I live with a female who simply doesn't understand that it's cool I own a movie where Chuck Norris fights a zombie ("Silent Rage"), I had to turn to other means to entertain her.

So I went to Redbox. I got "Source Code" cause it was the only movie that didn't feature a former wrestler trying to be funny. I get home and turns out she doesn't want to see "Source Code" and by this point my Internet and Cable is turned back on. She goes to catch up on America's Next Top Runway Chef And Pregnant while I catch up on my interwebz. Apparently some major sports related stuff happened.

Anyway, I had to return "Source Code" and I went off to do that. My plan? Walk in to the McDonalds, and simply return it. Instead, I see some crackhead playing around with the screen while behind her was a lady and her kid waiting patiently. The crackhead turned around, said "Oh" and left. So the lady and the kid went up to the screen.

Hoping they wouldn't take forever, I wait patiently behind her. After 10 seconds, a dude walks in sees where I'm standing and proceeds to stand behind me. So to set the scene for you, two guys are simply standing in a McDonald's waiting to use 21st Century technology that YOU THE PEOPLE DEMANDED to return/rent a movie.

You know, people who demanded these Redboxes, there use to be these MAGICAL buildings called "video stores" where there had every movie, new AND old, in existence. And if you just wanted to simply return a movie, all you had to do was walk in, drop the movie in a slot, and leave. You didn't even have to dress up for the occasion.

But no. Now we're stuck standing around a fast food place while some lady and a kid can't make up their mind WHICH movie featuring a wrestler trying to be funny they want to rent. Jesus, are there THAT many? The kid wanted to rent "Insidious" and I said "Yeah, get that! It's good!" The lady shoots me a dirty look and says "NO! NO SCARY MOVIES FOR MY PRECIOUS JONATHAN!" And she proceeds to rent "The Chaperone".



Poor Jonathan.

So this lady is taking FOR FUCKING EVER to pick her damn movies and all I want to do is return this movie that I even didn't get to see. Finally, she's done picking her movies...but now she wants to use promo/coupon codes. Fuck me, man.

I don't get it. I mean why did we as a society let this happen? What's the fucking difference between leaving your house to go to a big building to get a movie and leaving your house to go to some store/fast food place to get a movie? Both scenarios require me putting pants on. Especially when I go into a McDonald's.

Anyway, once the lady was done, I spent all of 5 seconds returning my movie and on the walk home, I remembered the good ol' days when I rented movies from video stores. But I already had that memory. In conclusion: BRING BACK VIDEO STORES! DAMMIT!
-Jason

Invasion of the B Movies TV #2: Night Life

In episode 2, a teenager named Archie, who works in a funeral home, pisses off four asshole bullies and they make his life difficult. When the bullies end up getting killed, they still find ways to make his life difficult.

My god, this episode took me FOREVER so I really hope you enjoy it.
-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #21: Bad Movies 101: Ed Wood

This month, Jason and Nolahn go back to school and watch a couple of Ed Wood "classics", "The Bride of the Monster" and "Glen or Glenda".

Before that, they Come Clean on who should be the new Worst Director of All Time and get into a three layered discussion on Christopher Nolan. How those two things are related? You'll just have to listen.

On top of all that, Jason was drinking a hipster beer for the first time ever and it shows throughout the episode. Best episode ever? It's up to you to decide because that is where you and I will spend the rest of our lives!
-Jason

New Review: Ants

Did you ever want to read a review where I utter the words "ants attack and kill Suzanne Somers"? Well, you're about to now!

Ants

Enjoy!
-Jason

Horror Thursday: The Poughkeepsie Tapes

Over at Man, I Love Films, I review "The Poughkeepsie Tapes", which is a bit hard to track down. And I'll be honest with you folks, I haven't stopped thinking about this movie since I seen it two days ago. Anyway, here's the review.

Enjoy!
-Jason

Remembrances of Video Stores Gone By

The year is 1987. I move into an apartment above a bar. Thinking back on it, it's like in Westerns where you could rent a room and the room would just have a bed and a sink to wash up in and that was it. The apartment was sorta like that, rented out to all the drunkards that frequented the bar below...and my Mom who was a waitress/bartender there.

Anyway, the street this bar was on was a very busy street. All along that block was a jewelry store, a small Chinese restaurant, a check cashing place (You know you live in the ghetto if your block has a check cashing place), and last but not least a small video store.

My mom LOVES movies, any kind of movies. Comedies, romances, dramas, sci-fi, action, and yes some horror. Since I was 7 at this time, she had to be careful with the movies she'd get but all thanks to her and this video store, I seen such great movies as "Rear Window", all three "Star Wars", "Die Hard", "Terminator 2", and a whole shitload of movies I'm sure many people probably don't remember. Like "The Bedroom Window" which was like "Rear Window" but with Steven Guttenberg. Yes, I promise you this movie really exists, I've seen it roughly 10 thousand times.

Anyway, this video store, in my 7-13 year old mind, was FUCKING AWESOME! The instant you walk in, off to your right, was the horror section. And it took up most of the store. Next to that was the comedy section. I spent most of my days between these two sections. Here, I saw both versions of "The Fly" (Yes, I saw Cronenberg's "Fly" when I was like 10 years old. I know ADULTS who can't handle that shit. And THIS is why I have a tough guy image.), both "Airplane" movies, "A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 3", and "Police Academy".

I loved this video store. It had every movie, a new release every week. It was awesome. Then, of course, it closed around 1993 and I was sad. It didn't matter cause the next year we moved and I found another video store. This video store...had an adult section in the back! OOOH!! I couldn't wait to be 21 to FINALLY go back there! Until then, my Dad's old Playboys would have to do.

This new video store was neat because in order to rent the videos you had to take these magnets up to the counter. And for each movie, there were two magnets: one for VHS and the other for Beta! Yeah! Remember Beta! I was like "WTF is Beta?" and I always would forget which magnet was for which (it was color coded, Blue for VHS and Red for Beta...I think) and I'd end up with a Beta. Yada yada yada, we had to buy a new VCR and we owed the store some money.

And one final memory: the reciept. It wasn't a small piece of paper. It was this HUGE GIANT DOT MATRIX paper thing. God, how many of those I found in my room when I moved in 2000.

Watching the video Matt posted at "Chuck Norris Ate My Baby" made me think about all this and how awesome video stores were. It really is a shame they had to close to make way for Netflix and Redbox. Honestly, nothing beats going into a giant store just full of movies and looking at each one, wondering how awful it is, maybe it'll be great, or remembering the good times you had watching these movies. If I had 3 wishes, one of them would be to take me back to the good old days of video stores galore.

The other two I'd just wish for booze and naked chicks.
-Jason

Invasion of the B Movies TV #1: Murder Weapon

The first episode of my video review series. Two things:
1. I keep saying the name of the movie is "Murder WeaponS" instead of "Weapon". This was a mistake I wasn't aware of until I was editing. I didn't feel like reshooting those parts over, so it's a mistake I can live with.
2. I found out the proper way to say Linnea and I said it the wrong way. So another thing I'll just have to live with.

Also, this is the hardest I've ever worked on a video so I would LOVE some feedback, ANY kind of feedback. PLEASE!

Anyway, here you go. Enjoy!
-Jason

So What Gives, Mr. Funny Man?

If you actually pay any attention to me and The Blog and Site, you probably noticed something: I haven't done a review in awhile. So what gives?

Well, I decided to take a short break, work on Episode 1 of "Invasion of the B Movies TV" then plan out how and when I'm gonna review shit. But don't worry! Reviews will be a-comin' in September! Starting with the aforementioned episode of "Invasion of the B Movies TV" which I am excited about.

Until then, I'll give you the answers to the Netflix thing I posted yesterday. A lot of people got them right.

1. A group of men are trapped in a warehouse as they try to figure out who among them is a giant rodent.-Reservior Dogs
2. A man is in disbelief as an ex-girlfriend shows up and he forces a piano player to play a song.-Casablanca
3. A unpopular kid comes across a special bug, who helps him gain popularity.-Spider-man.
4. A writer and his family move into a giant empty house for the winter where both father and son habor deep dark secrets.-The Shining
5. Based on a true story, a man who has never won a fight must win a fight.-Rocky
6. After the drowning of her son, a mother seeks revenge.-Friday the 13th.
7. A truck driver must put aside his personal beliefs and fight ancient mystical beings in a certain part of town.-Big Trouble in Little China
8. A man with amnesia must remember who he is and find out who killed his wife.-Memento
9. After the death of his parents, a man decides to take the law into his own hands.-Batman/Batman Begins
10. A group of aliens comes to Earth and mess things up.-Basically any evil alien movie. Like "Independence Day", "Mars Attack", "Battle: Los Angeles", and yes Nick "Battlefield Earth".

So that was fun, huh? Yep.

Later!
-Jason

Let's Play A Game

Strolling through Netflix the other night, I was reading up on some movies and came across some that I've seen. While my mouse hovered over the title, the description of the movie came up and I was blown away at how wrong, or obscure, it was. It makes me wonder who exactly writes this shit and if anybody can do it. So just for shits and giggles, let's play a quick game. Below are ten movie descriptions that you MIGHT find on Netflix. Can you guess what they are?
(Note: These really aren't on Netflix, I made all these up. But they might as well be.)

1. A group of men are trapped in a warehouse as they try to figure out who among them is a giant rodent.
2. A man is in disbelief as an ex-girlfriend shows up and he forces a piano player to play a song.
3. A unpopular kid comes across a special bug, who helps him gain popularity.
4. A writer and his family move into a giant empty house for the winter where both father and son habor deep dark secrets.
5. Based on a true story, a man who has never won a fight must win a fight.
6. After the drowning of her son, a mother seeks revenge.
7. A truck driver must put aside his personal beliefs and fight ancient mystical beings in a certain part of town.
8. A man with amnesia must remember who he is and find out who killed his wife.
9. After the death of his parents, a man decides to take the law into his own hands.
10. A group of aliens comes to Earth and mess things up.

This won't be a regular thing, this is just a one time fun thing to do.
-Jason

YOU Make The Call!

To anyone who isn't a LAMB, you probably don't know about this major controversy that's been going around since late 2009 or so. Even if you're a LAMB, probably only a few of you know about this. It's a subject that when anyone involved hears about, they immediately groan and wait for the flame war to die out. What, pray tell, am I talking about?

Is "28 Days Later" a zombie film?

Pretty much is split between Nick Jobe, who says it's NOT a zombie film and on the other side is...everyone else. I feel bad for Nick because I know what its like trying to fight your point and having a gang of people team up and tell you that you're wrong and you suck and you should go to hell. (Reference: Jason Soto v Everyone Who Doesn't Get That Most Comedy Sequels Are Always Gonna Be Like The First Film.)

I have been asked a couple of times what do I think about this subject matter and my answer tends to piss people off: I don't know, but it is a post-apocalyptic film. Since both sides of this heated debate don't seem to know where I'm coming from, here's why I can't make up my mind.

Why It Could Be Considered A Zombie Film:
If you look back to the early films that started this whole zombie craze, mainly "Night of the Living Dead", you have a core group of people holed up somewhere while stumbling beings are outside trying to attack/eat you. Every zombie film since "Night" has followed this. Including "28 Days Later". The difference is the core group of people are constantly moving, and the stumbling beings run 200 MPH.

And what happens when one of those beings attack you? You become one of them. Much like zombies. Now Nick, before you hire hackers to take my website and turn it into a German Fetish site, let's look at:

Why It Could NOT Be Considered A Zombie Film:
Zombie, by definition, is a being who was DEAD, then came to life. The beings in "28 Days Later" have not died at any point. They get infected by, I forget, tainted love blood? By some monkies? Sometime like that. Then they bite each other, infecting each other and so on and so on. You COULD argue that there is no cure to this and you shoot them (in the head) to kill them. I agree with that. But if you don't get bitten, you're ok.

Now, I never seen "28 Weeks Later" so maybe some of this is explained. I do know there is a cure at some point, then of course some fucking stupid kid fucks it up. Ugh, I hate kids in movies. But the important part is, the people are never dead, just really angry to the point they aren't human anymore. Does that make someone a zombie? I don't think so.

What I DO know is, after the monkey bites whoever and that whoever bites whoever and so on and so on and so on, 28 Days Later, the world (or at least England) is one giant shithole. So therefore, it is a post apocalyptic film. I dunno how "28 Weeks Later" handles this. Are they like "Well everybody, things are ok now? Go back to work and your lives and...what not? Tally-ho! Cheers! God Save The Queen!" So this kinda throw a wrench into my theroy but really, I don't have much go on here.

So now, dear reader, I throw it to you. What do you think "28 Days Later" is? A zombie or not-zombie film? Can you at the VERY least agree it's a post-apocalyptic film? Sure it's no "Road Warrior" with a spikey guy yelling "JUST TURN BACK RIGHT NOW!! THIS GAS IS MINE!!!" but still.

As for me? I stand by what I said. I don't really know. If it is a zombie film, it's an interesting change into the zombie genre. And it's 200 times better than "Survival of the Dead". Fuck THAT movie.
-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #20 & Horror Thursday: The Burning

We've really went "Over The Top" with this episode! Jason and Nolahn welcome their resident '80s expert Dylan Fields of Man, I Love Films to talk about all things '80's, including our two films "Over The Top" with Sylvester Stallone and ROBERT LOGGIA!, and "The Gate" with a young Stephen Dorff.

Before that, we talk about our own projects happening our sites, and discuss what we miss most about the 1980's. And stay tuned to the end of the episode because Jason announces who won our contest of which movies do we do in October! And there's some slight controversy too!

Email us at thelairunwanted@gmail.com or check us out on Facebook facebook.com/thelairoftheunwanted

ALSO! It's Thursday! So check out my review of "The Burning" over at Man, I Love Films!
-Jason

Teaser Trailer: Invasion of the B Movies TV

I FOUND THE GREATEST THING EVER!!!

Unfortuntely there's no trailer for it. And it's EXTREMELY hard to find. And it's not on official DVD. And it's on Amazon on VHS...for $25. So...why is this the greatest thing ever?

Let's hop in my bath tub time machine and go back to yesterday. I watched a little film called "Dreamanic" and it was the worst best thing I ever seen...besides the fucking ending. I forgot to mention in my review that it was directed by a guy named David DeCoteau. This name sounded very familar to me but I moved on with my life.

Ok, now we're back to the present. Very recently, I shown some friends of mine a movie called "Silent Night Deadly Night Part 2" starring the greatest actor ever, Eric Freeman.

Who DOESN'T wanna watch a movie starring this guy?!

So I got to thinking: What OTHER movies has Mr. Freeman been in? I think it's time I find out. So looking at his IMDb page, I find...he hasn't done much. I am a sad panda. But...let's look into the few movies he has done. Clicking on a 1989 film called "Murder Weapon"...



HOLY FUCKING SHIT DAVID DECOTEAU DIRECTED IT! And it stars everyone's favorite actress Linnea Quigley! ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!

The guy who made "Dreamaniac" DIRECTED the guy from "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2" along with Linnea "I Love Getting Naked In Every Movie" Quigley?! This is like...my dream movie!!

And I can't find a trailer. There are scenes from the movie on Youtube, you think I'm gonna watch those? FUCK NO!!! So now I have to go through nefarious means to find this movie.

While I'm on the subject, it turns out this David DeCoteau directed a SHIT TON of movies I've seen and heard of. Including a bunch of homoerotic films called "The Brotherhood" and "Voodoo Academy". Holy shit, I hit the B-Movie payload.

So while I work on "getting" "Murder Weapon", just sit tight. A review will be forthcoming. Will it live up to my expectations? Probably not. But fuck it, this is fun nonetheless!
-Jason

B-Movie Meatloaf: Dreamaniac

Since I joined this B-Movie Meatloaf thing over at StrictlySplatter.com, I learned a lot of things. I learned all about how The Asylum works. I learned that most direct-to-video sequels aren't always all bad. And this month, I learned about the sub-genre "shot on video horror". When this request came in, I said to myself "So...like The Blair Witch Project?" Turns out...not quite.

From what I gather on Wikipedia, they're movies specially made for VHS back in the day. It was pretty cheap to produce. And if this movie is any judge, I say they needed to save as much money as possible. Speaking of this movie, here's "Dreamaniac".

First off, I was hoping someone in the movie would say the title so I know how exactly it's said. I'm sure it's "dream maniac" but since the two words share on the one "m" it looks like "dream-aniac". I dunno, the title doesn't make much sense anyway so fuck it.

Ok so the movie starts off with-

No wait. I need to backtrack already. I can't just jump into the movie because the movie doesn't even jump into the movie. The opening credits, I'm not shitting you, last THREE AND A HALF MINUTE! I counted! It took 2 minutes to do all the fucking people IN the movie, then we get the directors credit finally and now the movie can start.

Ok so the movie starts off with naked man ass. Boy, that was worth the wait. A guy walks down a hallway naked into the bathroom where he finds a naked chick in a bathtub full of blood. They meet and start making out. But that's just a dream.

The guy wakes up and he looks like Justin Long's older pothead brother. He's Adam. He's...house sitting? I think? In a house. He's into heavy metal (this movie's version of heavy metal is the "METAL" button on the Casio) and I guess witch craft. I didn't get the witch craft thing until the end of the movie.

So Adam has a girlfriend named Pat. She comes over and they have sex. Wow a sex scene 5 minutes into the movie. What is this, "The Room"? YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, PAT! I guess she just came over for sex cause she immediately leaves. She does remind Adam about a party that's happening tomorrow night.

But on THIS night, he reads some weird passage out of a book and soon starts hearing noises in the attic. There, he finds the girl he dreamt about earlier and he freaks out. He thinks he's dreaming again, so he burns himself to wake himself up. Actually, I think the actor accidently burnt himself and the filmmakers just went with it.

The chick shows up in the room and proceeds to give Adam a blowjob. Wow. But things take a turn for the worse when she bites his dick off. I guess THIS ends up being a dream cause it goes to the next day and Pat and her sister Lori show up to set up for the party.

I have to point out this line of dialouge. It'll give you a great example on what this movie's like. So the sisters are talking and Pat wants to know why Lori is joining some sorority. Lori goes "The same reason why you got a tattoo of a taco". And then the scene ends.

WHY DOES SHE HAVE A TATTOO OF A TACO?! You bought it up, movie!!

Anyway, Pat wakes Adam up, who isn't feeling that good. He doesn't want to have the party but I guess he's getting paid...to have the party? It wasn't explained very well. Slowly, the other people show up and if you imagine what a typical preppy person from the '80s looked like, that's who all showed up for this party.

I only got a few of their names. The biggest bitch was named Francis and she use to date Lori's boyfriend Brad. Francis makes sure to remind Lori of this fact every chance she gets. Then one random dude shows up with a chick...it's the chick from Adam's dream!! Adam freaks out and runs upstairs. Here, the chick calls herself Lily. I want to point out that Lily looks kinda like a '80s version of Kesha (Yeah, I didn't do the stupid $ thing). This place is about to blow indeed.

Lily finds Adam and tells him she's his now. Pat finds them together and gets pissed. Francis and Brad sneak off to have sex. Oh this is hilarious. They made it a point to show Brad getting completely naked in the bed. Then it cuts to them in bed, fucking, and you can see through the sheets Brad wearing these white briefs. Nice.

Ok, so now you're wondering what the fuck is going on and what the point of all this is? I was asking myself the same thing. We get our first kill at the 35 minute mark when a Valley Girl, like, TOTALLY, gets stabbed. Gross. They didn't show the killer, so I think they wanted us to think "OMG! Who could the killer be?! I'm sure it won't be Adam!" But only a SMART horror movie would that.

The next kill we see Lily doing it. And this scene was hilarious. She made a guy take all this clothes off besides his tightie whities and then started tying him up. But she had him hold the one end while tying him, so pretty much all he had to do was let go and the whole thing would fall apart. Whatever. She plugs something in and he's electrocuted. And this causes the power to go out.

Lori gets sick and runs to find a bathroom. She instead runs into Francis and Brad in bed. I said "DO IT!! DO IT!!!" and sure enough, she threw up all over them. YES!!! I'm fucking digging this movie, despite it being fucking terrible.

Ok, so a few people are getting killed. Lily finds Brad and proceeds to blow him. Adam walks in on this and just stands there. Lily bits Brad's dick off (I guess that's her "thing") and Pat walks in on this and freaks out. She figures out something is up with Adam and Lily and wants out.

There's a guy who I'm sure is gay and he's the comic relief. He ends up taking care of Lori while Pat runs around, trying to figure out what to do. Oh, then out of nowhere: FUCKING ZOMBIES! The tightie-whitie guy shows up and attacks Pat. Francis finds Adam and starts making out with him, but he slits her throat. Then SHE comes back to life. And Pat simply puts a pillow over her mouth. Uh, you can't suffocate a fucking zombie!

Now it's down to gay dude-oh wait he's now dead-ok it's down to Lori and Pat. The gay dude read two sentences in a book and before he died told Pat that Lily is a succubus aka a female demon that preys on men, mainly in their sleep. Ah, so that's what's going on. Thanks gay dude!

The only way to kill the succubus is to rip thier head off or stab them in the heart with a stake. Uh, they're not vampires. Whatever. So Pat and Lily attack Adam with...a steel drill? Ok sure. He then goes into acting overload as he runs around the house going "NO!! WHY?!?! AHHH!!!" *spit blood* "WHY?!?! AHHHH!!" *spit blood* Dude! Why you spitting so much blood?!

Anyway, Pat runs the drill through Adam's neck until it's removed from his body. Sure, why not? Now it's time for Lily. She's about to attack Lori when....some random dude who never introduces himself walks into the house, tells Lily to stop and apologize like she just peed on their rug, and simply leave.

....

.......

.............

FUCKING WHAT?!?!?!?!?!!?! FUCK!!! WHAT?!?!??!?!?!

OH! OH!! Check THIS SHIT OUT!!!!

EVERYTHING I just told you....WAS PART OF A NOVEL ADAM WAS WRITING!!!! I am NOT fucking with you! This was a novel! He finishes writing, calls....fucking somebody, and tells him "HEY! I'm done with my pulp novel!" NO!! That's not a pulp novel!! It's a horror novel!! You motherfucking asshole!! I hope some random chick shows up at your door and stabs you for no reason...oh wait, that DOES HAPPEN!!!

Ok. I want to like this movie. I like it despite it being motherfucking terrible. Then the ending hits. I mean I've seen some bad movies in my day, but this is the most lazy thing I ever seen. "UH...how can we end this movie?!" "I know, let's make her NOT a succubus, even though we have all that set up already!" "NO! Let's make the whole thing a NOVEL!!" "HEY!!! LET'S DO BOTH!!!!" "YEAH!!! Now pass the cocaine!!"

So how do I rate this? I'm gonna have to give it a middle grade. Here's my recommendation: watch this with a bunch of people and make fun of it. But do it during a movie night with 3 or 4 other movies. Have LOTS of booze available. And make this the 3rd or 4th movie. You need to be somewhat hammered to watch this movie otherwise "y'all" (Thanks NICK!) will murder each other. Awesome? AWESOME!

-Jason

Hell Night

The theme for this month's "Lair of the Unwanted" is "celebrating the '80s", so I decided to embrace that for every movie I watch this month. Looking around on Netflix for a film to review for "Man, I Love Films" I decided to see what 1980's film I can do and I stumbled upon "Hell Night", which stars Linda Blair, her tits, and Vincent Van Patten.

Between "The Exorcist" and "Exorcist 2" Linda Blair developed quite nicely. Sadly, I don't mean her acting. Her acting in "Exorcist 2" and in "Hell Night" leave much to be desired. I'm not even sure why she's in this film. I guess they needed a big name for this shitty movie and Linnea Quigley wasn't available.

(Side note: Can you believe there are GUYS, and yes I mean MALES, who HAVE NO IDEA who Linnea Quigley is?! I mean...how is that even possible? It's borderline child abuse in a way.)

Anyway, "Hell Night".

Things start off at a college party and a fratnerity. I'm not too up on my Greek Alphabet but it doesn't really matter. It's "Hell Night", which means anyone pledging the fraternity has to go through some form of initiation. As we tackled on a previous episode of "The Lair", most hell nights last a week. But here, this is only for one night.

We meet Linda Blair's character (I forget her name) and she's not really interested in joining the sorority but is being dragged along by her friend Denise who sometimes remembers to speak in a Foreign accent. The two dudes being initiated are Seth (Vince Van Patten, who learned how to talk since the 1970's) and Jeff.

So here's the set up, which is painfully set up cause it takes 20 fucking minutes (bet I can do it in 2):
A rich family lived in a super fancy house outside of town. The wife gave birth to four kids who all have some genetic problems. The dad is sick of his freak family and decides to kill them all, then himself. But Dad forgot to kill a kid so he's left alive and went missing. Supposedly, he's roaming the deserted house after all these years.

Guess where the bulk of this movie takes place at?!?! BINGO!

Our four pledges are locked in the house and have to spend the night there without attempting to leave. The four just kinda shrug their shoulders and split up. Seth and Denise go upstairs and start fucking while Jeff and Linda Blair don't. The head of the fraternity sneaks back with a geeky guy and some chick to play some pranks on the pledges which involves the Halloween mix tape you play on your front yard, dummies made up like dead guys, and fake masks. It's all really stupid.

And it's here that things SLOOOOWW the fuck down. Linda Blair and Jeff talk, A LOT, while Seth and Denise talk and fuck, A LOT, and the people outside sneak around, A LOT. Randomly, at the 27 minute mark, a whithered hand reaches up from the ground, killing the chick. The geeky guy 10 minutes later climbs up the roof and gets his neck broken.

Then there's this scene, which raises several questions. Denise gets up and starts messing around with stuff in the bedroom. At this point, we've seen everyone pretty much go to bed. Denise looks in the mirror and as one of the tricks, the head of the fraternity is wearing a mask to scare her and shows up in the mirror. Denise sees this and thinks nothing of it and goes back to bed.

So questions:
1. What if she never woke up? Would this asshole just be standing there all night, going "come on, look in the mirror! COME ON!!!"
2. Who the hell sees a guy in a horrible mask and doesn't have some sort of reaction to it?
3. What country is she suppose to be from because at this point she forgot to put on her accent!

Things slightly speed up when the head of the fratnerity is chased around the house by the last deformed family kid until he finally dies. Seth wakes up to go to the bathroom when Denise is killed. Seth finds her body and freaks out and decides to high tail it out of there.

There's a long drawn out scene where he climbs over a fence but he makes it to the other side. He runs into town for help. Meanwhile, Jeff and Linda Blair are left on their own.

There is a pretty creepy scene where Jeff and Linda Blair are chillin' in a room and the camera doesn't focus on this but you see it happen. The rug in the middle of the room slowly starts rising up, taking the form of a man. The rug then starts slowly (I do mean slowly) heading towards them until Linda Blair is told by the director to look that way and scream.

So let's talk about Linda Blair's tits for a moment. Depending on the scene, she shows a lot of clevage or doesn't show anything at all. Like, when she's just talking or chillin' she's all covered up like so:



But when she's scared or screaming she's showing her clevage like so:


And it goes on like that. One scene, you almost see her nipples, it was crazy.

Anyway.

Seth makes it to the police station but because he's a damned kid, they don't believe him. He then breaks into a gun locker, steals a gun, and climbs out a window. Man, who knew stealing from the police was so easy? While Seth is in a stealing mood, he steals a car, tells the owner to call the police and send them to the house, and he takes off.

Meanwhile, Jeff and Linda Blair are running around the house when they find the deformed kids hiding place. And let me tell you this scene went on FOR FUCKING EVER!! I swear I fell asleep for five minutes, woke up and they were still walking around, looking.

The deformed kid shows up, attacks but doesn't cause any harm and they lock themselves in another room. Seth returns and when he gets to the house, the kid attacks and I swear the kid looks like a fucking werewolf. I thought that's what was happening but nope, it's not. Seth shoots the kid until he's dead. I went "YAY!!" cause now this boring movie can end.

But no. This movie wasn't annoying enough. It had to do something that didn't make any god damn sense. THERE'S ANOTHER DEFORMED KID!!! Where the FUCK did he come from?!?! The frat guy at the beginning clearly said all three kids were killed and one was left. Now, granted, maybe the kid fucked up his facts, but at least EXPLAIN when you show us the other kid. UGH!!

Anyway, the forgotten second kid attacks and kills Seth. He chases Jeff and Linda Blair around until they get to the roof. Jeff falls down and is killed. Linda Blair is left to act horribly by herself. By the way, the other kid? Totally looks and acts like Frankenstein. I fuckin' swear!

Linda Blair finds the key that opens the gate, opens it, and gets in the car and drives away when Frankenstein appears on the roof of the car. He punches through the window, which I guess distracts Linda Blair cause she forgets how to drive. Thankfully, she forgets how to drive right into the sharp gate that got destroyed in the process. So Frankenstein is dead and the movie simply ends.

Right, this was 1981, it wasn't a rule to have a twist ending in a horror movie yet. Anyway, this movie fuckin' sucked and was boring as hell. I was going to post this for my Thursday review but I think I need to do something a bit more mainstream for those guys. So this review can sit right here, where it belongs.

And the rating I'm giving it is only because of the creepy scene with the rug and, of course, Linda Blair's tits.

-Jason

I Also Have Adventures When I Leave The House

My friend and podcasting partner Nolahn does a thing on his blog called "Adventures in Leaving The House", where he talks about the various things he doesn't when he's not home. In the past, these things included going to a tropical paradise and seeing some cool movies. My adventures when I do leave the house are a little...different.

Today when I left to go get some lunch, the following two things happened to me:

1. I saw a sign posted at a bus stop near my house. Curious, I went to check it out and I saw the following sign:



Yes, I took the sign down. Me being the guy that spends most of his day on the Interwebz, I'm familar with Anonymous and that whole "movement" they got going on. And you know what? Good for them. I just never expected to see this here in my boring ass state. Usually the target for these things are big cities like New York and L.A. The only thing we got going on here is the Super Bowl will be here in January and the roller derby Regionals is gonna be here in October. I doubt those are things Anonymous are very interested in. So Anonymous, if you're reading this (I'm sure you are after Googling yourselves) you can do whatever it is you want to do only if you can do it at a certain building that may or may not sound like the name of the place I work at. Deal? Deal.

2. When I got to where I was having lunch, a whole bunch of blind people came in. Wearing baseball jerseys. I was like "...ok?" And after looking at their logo, I came home and Googled it and apparently the National Beep Baseball Association is in town this week for their World Series! Wow! So what is National Beep Baseball? It's like baseball for blind people. I was wondering how this worked out and after reading their official website, it makes a lot of sense. So that's cool.

Hmm...I wonder if there's some correlation to the two events...
-Jason

Catching Up With Jason and Invasion of the B-Movies

Wow! July, huh? Man...what a busy month! Boy howdy. And now look! It's August! Which means here in Indianapolis it'll be 2 degrees and 80 feet of snow any minute now! Boy, can't wait!

I've been awfully quiet this past month and I figure I owe you all an explaination on what I been doing exactly. So here is everything I been doing since July 1st:

-Getting pissed off at Netflix and trying to figure out the future of the website.
-Working on a top secret project with a fellow LAMB.
-Watching mediocre comedies, like "Hall Pass". Ok, "Hall Pass" would've been better if it did more. It was like...something was missing the entire time but I couldn't place what. I also think I might've watched the "rated" version. I get the feeling the "unrated" version might be better. Also, it seems like they didn't know what to do with Owen Wilson's character. He's either a typical horn ball guy or a sensitive guy who's only been with one woman his entire life. Make up your mind!! Anyway...mediocre comedies.
-On the 4th, I watched a ton of fireworks from the parking lot of a hospital. Long story.
-Decided to take up pottery, but turns out Demi Moore was busy.
-Had a conversation with Charlie Sheen. That took up half a month.
-Made the mistake of walking past an airport and saying the words "bomb". I had to explain to the F.B.I I was only talking about the "Transformers" movies.
-Trying to memorize ALL the lyrics to "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air". Ok here we go:
"Now this is the story all about how my life got flipped turned....ummm...." Goddamn it!!
-Trying to get M&M's to melt in my hands.
-Watching every season of "All My Children" before the big series finale. Man, it was CRRRRRAZY in Season 87 when Erica was....oh I shouldn't spoilt it.
-Finding out who the fuck Delroy Lindo is.
-Catching up on Cate Blanchette films. Yeah......
-Trying to find money to donate to the goverment. I found $15.98. That should help!
-Figuring out what the fuck "dougie" is.
-Filling out paperwork to get my face blurred when that episode of "Cops" airs.

So that's about it. Hopefully, August won't be as crazy. Plus it marks the 6th year anniversary of The Site! Yay!
-Jason

Behind The Scenes at Invasion of the B-Movies!

To celebrate the 6 year anniversary of Invasion of the B Movies, I made this Behind The Scenes video showing you the entire process I go through when I review a movie. It was a lot of fun making this video, and I cut a lot of boring stuff that I felt wasn't really important after all.

And stay tuned for more new stuff to pop up on The Site!
-Jason

I'm Excited!

If you're tired of hearing me talk about "Paranormal Activity" well too bad cause I'm gonna talk about it!

I remember when the first movie was released. It was 2009. September of that year, we went on Vacation to L.A and while somewhere (I forget) we saw these passes for a "Special Screening of a new horror film" and they needed an audience to view it. Unfortunately, it was the night before we were due to fly out at 6AM or something so we couldn't go.

Turns out this viewing was used in the official trailer for "Paranormal Activity". Damn.

Last year, "Paranormal Activity 2" came out and we were there opening night. Everyone knows by now the horrible story of us watching the first film in theater. This time, the experience wasn't as bad because everybody was interested in what was happening on screen. Even though I saw a lot of mistakes in the film, which I won't point out cause I'm not that much of a nitpicker.

Now here we are, 2011 and we got the third film in the series. I knew based on the ending of Part 2 there was going to be a part 3 but I wasn't sure what was going to happen. Well, if you haven't already, here's the trailer. Watch it and there'll be a test on it.



So based off the trailer, we know it's a prequel, which (SPOILER ALERT!) is funny cause Part 2 was more or less a prequel. So a prequel to a prequel. Interesting. I like how they focus on what happened to them when they were kids. And it was 1988, when home video cameras were new, costed $3000, and weighed 90 pounds. So this should be interesting.

I will be there opening weekend (night if I can manage it) and hope there isn't any douchebags around to ruin it. You know, two years ago, I wouldn't have ever figured out that this would be a popular series, considering how much people seemed to hate the first film. Me? I was pretty creeped out by the whole thing. Plus the chick that played Katie was hot. So yeah...

Anyway, my last question is where do you think it'll go for here? I mean, we could get like 1960's Zappurder-like video but since those cameras had no sound, I wouldn't know how that'd work. Maybe old drawings of this demon in a book? I dunno. I guess we'll see.

For now, I'm curious about something. What happens if I hold up a mirror to the above trailer during the "Bloody Mary" part? Hm...let's find out!

Ok, nothing yet. Nothing yet. Noth

The Soto List: TOO SOON! Edition

Apparently, there are all sorts of things that, right after they happen, isn't really nice to make fun of. An example I can think of is just yesterday, when it was revealed that Amy Winehouse died, I saw at least two jokes about "going to Rehab" or "I guess her house shouldn't have had wine" or whatever. But what about movies taking these tragedies and maybe being slightly dissrespectful? Here are some examples:

30 Minutes or Less

The Movie: From what I got from the trailer, it's about a guy (Jesse Eisenberg) who's a pizza delievery guy and he ends up going to a house, kidnapped by some guys (Danny McBride and Nick Swordson) and they tell him he has to rob a bank or else they'll blow him up. Hilarity ensues.

The True Story: This really happened, except it wasn't funny. A real pizza delievery guy was kidnapped, then some hours later showed up at a bank, attempted to rob it, but was arrested by cops. When they discovered the bomb, they tried to get it off except...they didn't in time. Yeah...

Ok, I still plan on seeing the movie but when I first saw the trailer I said to myself "Really?" I'm still waiting for any pending lawsuits to appear.

Elephant

The Movie: A super detailed look into the lives of a bunch of students at a school, which becomes the scene of a school shooting. I want to like this movie for a few things it had the balls to include, but I also find myself super bored with it.

The True Story: Columbine. I probably don't need to say anything more. I dunno if the real Columbine shooters had sex with each other prior to the shootings, which is just kind of an odd thing to include.

Remember Me

The Movie: I...don't know. Robert Pattinson is in it. So is Claire from "Lost". There's a scene where they shower together. But why am I mentioning it?

The True Story: 9/11. Now, there are PLENTY of 9/11 related films, like Uwe Boll's "Postal". But I feel "Postal" was done on purpose to piss people off. This is really, really fucking retarded.

Ok so for real, I guess Edward there is in love with Claire and either they break up or thinking about breaking up. He's at work, thinking about shit. The day he's at work? September 11th, 2001. And he works in one of the Twin Towers. Oops. I mean, who would've guessed THAT would've happened in a movie like that! That's like watching "The Notebook" and finding out the ending takes place during Hurricane Katrina or something. It's just so out of place.

Paul McCartney Really Is Dead: The Last Testament of George Harrison

The Movie: Ok, you ready for this shit? Paul McCartney has been dead FOR YEARS! The Paul McCartney we all know and love is a IMPERSONATOR! Set up by the British government! And the other Beatles went along with this! And John Lennon wanted to tell the world but couldn't, so he put in ALL SORTS of clues on every Beatles album. Whoa!

The True Story: George Harrison's death. Released sometime after his death, this doctumentary has the nerve to say that right before George Harrison died, he recorded a last will and testement stating that he's been carrying a secret for years and now he's gonna reveal the secret. The film plays the "real" recordings with the "real" George Harrison telling us how it was done.

Ok, this movie is so full of shit that as I was watching it, flies began covering my TV. The guy doing the voice of George Harrison was not believable, and all the stuff mentioned in this film is so fucking retarded I have to think this was all a joke. You want an example?

Ok so, Paul died in a car accident sometime in the '60's. He was giving a ride to some girl when he died. The girl survived, but was sequestered by the British government and forced into hiding. She lost a leg in the accident. YEARS later, the girl wanted to reconnect with the guy who is now "playing" Paul. Her name? Heather Mills. I am not fucking with you, they mention that in this movie. I'm not the biggest die hard Beatles fan in the world, but I felt insulted by this movie.

Ok, I can't think of anything that'll top that, so I'll stop there for now. I'm sure there are more, and there's going to be more (how about Godzilla caused the Tsumani and Earthquake in Japan??). Some people, huh?
-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #19: America Kicks Ass 2: Ass-Kicker!

Jason and Nolahn take on two more American (sort of) kicking ass movies! The Jean-Claude Van Damme/Dennis Rodman pairing of "Double Team", then the gymnast enthused film "Gymkata"!

Before that though, Jason talks about winning a LAMMY award three years in a row, Nolahn talks about his B-Movie Bonanaza, and then they Come Clean by revealing who they would pick to represent America in a Commie-Ass Kicking fight! Jason's answers are a bit...controversal.

And this is the last chance to enter in the "Pick The Theme For October" contest. Send all entries, and any hate mail for Jason, to thelairunwanted@gmail.com.

Under Siege review
Under Siege 2 review
-Jason

The Troll 2 Drinking Game

In a couple of weeks, at my house, I'm having a little get together with some friends and we're gonna watch "Troll 2". I said in the invite that we're gonna play a small variation of a Troll 2 Drinking Game, that I'm making up now. We're only gonna do a few cause I don't want everyone to be completely wasted and I only have so much room for people to sleep over. Before I get to it, my lawyer as advised me to include the following disclaimer:

Please drink at your own discretion. You do not have to drink alcohol to do this drinking game. Any beverage of your choice will work. Do not play this game with alcohol and drive home or do anything stupid. I do not want to be sued because I have no money. This is only for fun.

There, I think I'm covered. Next, if you are going to drink alcohol, what type should you drink? I asked my resident booze expert Adam and this is whathe said:
"The ones I can think of are Cream de menthe, apple schnapps, and green Chartreuse (as opposed to yellow). And there's absinthe, but that's expensive and you need an absinthe spoon and other stuff. Your best bet is to probably google Halloween drinks or St. Patrick Day drinks and see what's in your budget. There's always beer & green food coloring, but you'd have to use a light colored beer."

So there you go. Now that you got your beverage of choice, let's play The Troll 2 Drinking Game!

Take a drink whenever

-the main kid Joshua says "Grandpa", "Grandpa Seth" or any variation of Grandpa.
-someone mentions Nilbog.
-something that's happening on screen is confusing to you, and doesn't relate to anything that happened or will happen.
-something green appears.
-you see the troll/goblins in their real form.
-there's any gay overtones.
-it appears the actors are struggling with their lines.
-there's any mention of meat.
-Grandpa gets Josh in some sort of trouble.
and finally, finish whatever you're drinking if you understand ANYTHING that happening in this movie.

So there's the Troll 2 Drinking Game. Remember to play responsibly and have fun!
-Jason

New Review: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory

This week, me and Nolahn take a look at the sequel.

Under Siege 2: Dark Territory

You won't believe who's in this film!
-Jason

What's A Soto To Do?!?

As I'm sure everybody heard by now, Netflix is changing their subscription packages. Last month, I changed mine to one DVD and unlimited streaming, which was probably a mistake cause now I'm a week behind on the Lair, but that's my own damn fault. But now with their new package, if I keep the one DVD and unlmited streaming, I'll have to pay 16 bucks a month...oh and in case you didn't know Netflix charges TAX so it's more like 17 bucks.

That sucks.

So I'll probably just keep the $9.99 route and go with one or the other. Here's the thing: 90% of the movies reviewed on The Site I get from Netflix. And since I can't get screen grabs from the Netflix Instant Watch...something has to give.

Sure, I could just give up the streaming and get 1 DVD...but we just spent a small amount of money to set up the living room TV to watch the streaming on Netflix. I hate to just give that up so quickly. I'm not 100% sure what I'm gonna do yet but I'm leaning towards stop doing reviews on The Site, only do them on The Blog and keep The Site around to house The Lair, the older reviews, and maybe once in awhile do a "Date My Mom" or whatever.

I know there are other things I could do, like buy the movies I intend to review, go to Redbox, or go to a still open video store. Here's my cons on those options:
1. Too expensive
2. Redbox fucking sucks.
3. The closest open video store is like 25 minutes from me.

Again, I dunno what I'm gonna do. I have until September to figure this shit out. In the meantime, I'll try to roll out as much as I can.

Speaking of, my new Horror Thursday is up. I reviewed "The Signal". Check it, yo!
-Jason

Look At Me: Being All Influential!

I'm sure this will apply to somebody here.

From a press release:

[They] will be doing a live Q&A with Insidious director James Wan and writer Leigh Whannell on July 11th around 9pm PST / Midnight EST, which will be live-streamed directly to our Insidious Facebook Page.

Also, we are ONLY sharing this news via blogs and online media outlets: If you tune in to the Q&A on our Insidious Facebook Page and leave a comment on the Ustream tab using #InsidiousLIVE, then you will be instantly entered for a chance to win a free DVD copy of Insidious.

Additionally, as a respected influencer of the film community, we would love to ask if there were any questions that you or your readership specifically wanted to ask James and Leigh. We could fast-track them and make sure our moderator calls out your site during the Q&A. Please let me know if this would be of interest.

Ooh! i'm a respected influencer of the film community! Alright!! I guess it took me winning THREE awards to achieve that! But anyway, if anyone seen "Insidious" and has any questions for the guys who made it, leave them as a comment or email me at invasionofthebmovies@gmail.com and I'll pass them along.

I haven't had the chance yet, but I do want to see it.
-Jason

New Review: Under Siege

Maria and I, in a two week event, took on Steven Seagal at his best.

Under Siege

And Gary Busey at his least craziest. Seriously.
-Jason

Horror Thursday: House (1977)

This week, I look at the weirdest thing to come out of Japan.

House

And that's saying a lot.

Enjoy!
-Jason